2010 is up and running and, once again, Football Invective.com offers its
exclusive insights into the greatest game in the world.
year, new and complex issues will captivate the football world, whilst at
the same time, some old perennials will continue to provide entertainment
and amusement for all aficionados of the great game. Let's begin with:
five years of the much-vaunted Terry Wallace Five Year Plan (and exactly
five years after Football Invective.com first
predicted it would all end in tears) Richmond Football Club has learned
its lesson, despatched the failed coach, had a good hard look at itself and,
in its infinite wisdom, decided to unveil .... another Five Year Plan!
plan, creatively dubbed 3-0-75, promises to produce in the next five years:
finals appearances (a 50% increase on the past 28 years);
debt (let's hope they don't ask Wayne Swan for advice on that one); and
members (Benny Gale must be very disappointed with Richmond's Round 1
attendance of 72,010 - obviously 2,990 passionate paid-up members
couldn't be bothered to even turn up to Richmond's first game).
Football Invective.com predicts that the 3-0-75 plan for the next five years
might look something like this:
rungs climbed up the ladder (with the exception of a gallant 9th place
in Year Three); and
truckloads of manure delivered to Punt Road (this averages around 1
truck every 1.466 weeks during the next 5 seasons. Certain garden supply
businesses are already offering bulk discounts in return for long-term
contracts with Tiger cheer squad members).
year, even the feral Tiger Army became too disillusioned to turn on the club
during the latter stages of the Wallace Reign of Error. Tiger HQ had gone to
Defcon 1 after six straight losses in the first six rounds, and the football
world was rubbing its hands with blood-thirsty anticipation at the prospect
of all the carnage of a classic Tiger fan turn. But this time, the
much-vaunted Tiger army was so so beaten into psychological submission that
even 'the most passionate fans in the league' refused to turn.
failing to do their patriotic duty to their club and the football world last
year, will the sleeping giant that is the Tigerban be re-awakened, and once
again threaten to hold to account the under-achievers in the Tigerland
football department? Is it once again time to re-set the Tiger Watch clock,
in anticipation of another Tiger fan turn? The new CEO has done his bit by
once again raising expectations to impossible levels and the new coach's
first outing was suitably underwhelming - now all the fans have to do is
just be themselves. This year's Tiger Watch could be one for the ages.
an aside, Football Invective.com is this year claiming another world-first
innovation in sporting coverage by implementing Tiger Watch Mark 2. This
involves regular updates on another sporting institution by the name of
Tiger. Throughout the year we will dutifully report every instance in which
certain spurned cocktail waitresses emerge from the woodwork to turn on
their former squeeze. And, just like Tiger Watch 1, we will not hesitate to
make our own gratuitous predictions as to exactly when, why and how many
Age of Tash
the retirement of Richo, Football Invective.com fears that the Tash
may once again be banished from the football field for many years to
we place our faith in the revival of this noble cause with none other than
Max (Chuck Norris’s long-lost half brother) Rooke. Rooke has been somewhat
out of character during the off season, trading in his rugged hirsute looks
to commence a career as a clean-shaven male
sincerely hope this is just a passing phase on the part of the one-time wild
man, and that he chooses to return to his former purpose in life - namely, a
one man crusade to reverse the evolution of mankind, whereby he cultivates
excessive quantities of facial hair in order to slowly turn from man to ape
and in the process grows a tash to give him a half-man, half-werewolf
appearance – surely the most scary site in AFL/VFL football since Lethal
decided Neville Bruns was too much of a pretty boy for his liking and game
him some free panel beating.
a related note, rumours have been circulating that Max Rooke is in fact
1/8th Demon. Initially, this was thought to be a result of the Norris lineage,
but apparently this has nothing to do with ancestry and is a direct result
of Rooke eating half the Melbourne forward line during a pre-season match at
Skilled Stadium a couple of years ago. This rumour appears to have some
substance - for example, has anyone actually seen Clint Bizzell or Travis
Johnston in the last two seasons, because Football Invective.com certainly
the GC and GWS on the horizon this year could see the dastardly black art of
taken to a whole new level. And once again, the original colberted club,
Geelong, finds itself at grave risk of being on the wrong end of a pointy
stick, as G. Ablett and J. Selwood are tempted with giant gold-plated
carrots to auction off their souls in return for a move north.
Gary now faces a dilemma that will define his place in history, and his
place in the eyes of the Cats faithful. In 2010 he must choose one of two
Choose the path of his father -
one that will enable him to be a life-long revered demigod amongst the good
folk of Sleepy Hollow, and enable every personal foible he ever commits to
be instantly forgiven by the adoring masses;
Become the successor to Leigh
Colbert himself, abandoning his club at the prime of his career, and leaving
him destined to live a life without purpose, without love and without soul,
and endure the humiliation of little old ladies in hand-knitted Cats scarves
leaning over the fence and whacking him with their umbrellas every time he
takes to the field at Skilled Stadium for his new team.
Victorian clubs will rightly regard the entry of GC and GWS with grave
suspicion, as they risk opening the floodgates to a veritable epidemic of
colberting. The only clubs likely to welcome the new teams will be Port
Adelaide (which will no longer have the embarrassment of the lowest
attendances in the league) and Fremantle (which will no longer be the
biggest laughing stock in the league).
an aside, Football Invective.com recently visited the Louvre in Paris, and
was APPALLED at what it saw. Naturally, Football Invective.com showed its
disapproval in the usual way (with apologies to The Pantsman):
note the brooding, disconsolate fellow on the steps of the pavilion, as he
despairingly contemplates the soul-less, heartless existence that is the lot
of every colberter.
believe the Louvre would name one of its pavilions after this bloke"
was the initial reaction of Football Invective.com. Our next thought was
that we would be SFA (Stunned, F*cked and Amazed) if the next time we return
to the Lourve we don't discover that the aforementioned “Pavillon”
(French couldn’t even get the spelling right) no longer resides there but
has instead deserted Paris and is plying its trade in the Medici
Museum in Florence.
the War Begin