Season 2010 is up and running and, once again, Football Invective.com offers its exclusive insights into the greatest game in the world. 

 

This year, new and complex issues will captivate the football world, whilst at the same time, some old perennials will continue to provide entertainment and amusement for all aficionados of the great game. Let's begin with:

 

Tiger Watch

 

 

After five years of the much-vaunted Terry Wallace Five Year Plan (and exactly five years after Football Invective.com first predicted it would all end in tears) Richmond Football Club has learned its lesson, despatched the failed coach, had a good hard look at itself and, in its infinite wisdom, decided to unveil .... another Five Year Plan! 

 

This plan, creatively dubbed 3-0-75, promises to produce in the next five years:

• 3 finals appearances (a 50% increase on the past 28 years);

• zero debt (let's hope they don't ask Wayne Swan for advice on that one); and

• 75,000 members (Benny Gale must be very disappointed with Richmond's Round 1 attendance of 72,010 - obviously 2,990 passionate paid-up members couldn't be bothered to even turn up to Richmond's first game).

Instead, Football Invective.com predicts that the 3-0-75 plan for the next five years might look something like this: 

• 3 sacked coaches; 

• zero rungs climbed up the ladder (with the exception of a gallant 9th place in Year Three); and

• 75 truckloads of manure delivered to Punt Road (this averages around 1 truck every 1.466 weeks during the next 5 seasons. Certain garden supply businesses are already offering bulk discounts in return for long-term contracts with Tiger cheer squad members).  

Last year, even the feral Tiger Army became too disillusioned to turn on the club during the latter stages of the Wallace Reign of Error. Tiger HQ had gone to Defcon 1 after six straight losses in the first six rounds, and the football world was rubbing its hands with blood-thirsty anticipation at the prospect of all the carnage of a classic Tiger fan turn. But this time, the much-vaunted Tiger army was so so beaten into psychological submission that even 'the most passionate fans in the league' refused to turn.

 

After failing to do their patriotic duty to their club and the football world last year, will the sleeping giant that is the Tigerban be re-awakened, and once again threaten to hold to account the  under-achievers in the Tigerland football department? Is it once again time to re-set the Tiger Watch clock, in anticipation of another Tiger fan turn? The new CEO has done his bit by once again raising expectations to impossible levels and the new coach's first outing was suitably underwhelming - now all the fans have to do is just be themselves. This year's Tiger Watch could be one for the ages.

 

As an aside, Football Invective.com is this year claiming another world-first innovation in sporting coverage by implementing Tiger Watch Mark 2. This involves regular updates on another sporting institution by the name of Tiger. Throughout the year we will dutifully report every instance in which certain spurned cocktail waitresses emerge from the woodwork to turn on their former squeeze. And, just like Tiger Watch 1, we will not hesitate to make our own gratuitous predictions as to exactly when, why and how many will turn.

 

 

The Age of Tash

 

With the retirement of Richo, Football Invective.com fears that the Tash may once again be banished from the football field for many years to come.  

 

 

However, we place our faith in the revival of this noble cause with none other than Max (Chuck Norris’s long-lost half brother) Rooke. Rooke has been somewhat out of character during the off season, trading in his rugged hirsute looks to commence a career as a clean-shaven male model:

 

 

We sincerely hope this is just a passing phase on the part of the one-time wild man, and that he chooses to return to his former purpose in life - namely, a one man crusade to reverse the evolution of mankind, whereby he cultivates excessive quantities of facial hair in order to slowly turn from man to ape and in the process grows a tash to give him a half-man, half-werewolf appearance – surely the most scary site in AFL/VFL football since Lethal decided Neville Bruns was too much of a pretty boy for his liking and game him some free panel beating.

 

 

On a related note, rumours have been circulating that Max Rooke is in fact 1/8th Demon. Initially, this was thought to be a result of the Norris lineage, but apparently this has nothing to do with ancestry and is a direct result of Rooke eating half the Melbourne forward line during a pre-season match at Skilled Stadium a couple of years ago. This rumour appears to have some substance - for example, has anyone actually seen Clint Bizzell or Travis Johnston in the last two seasons, because Football Invective.com certainly hasn't.

 

Colberting

 

With the GC and GWS on the horizon this year could see the dastardly black art of colberting taken to a whole new level. And once again, the original colberted club, Geelong, finds itself at grave risk of being on the wrong end of a pointy stick, as G. Ablett and J. Selwood are tempted with giant gold-plated carrots to auction off their souls in return for a move north.

 

Little Gary now faces a dilemma that will define his place in history, and his place in the eyes of the Cats faithful. In 2010 he must choose one of two paths, either:

 

1.    Choose the path of his father - one that will enable him to be a life-long revered demigod amongst the good folk of Sleepy Hollow, and enable every personal foible he ever commits to be instantly forgiven by the adoring masses; 

 

     OR

 

2.    Become the successor to Leigh Colbert himself, abandoning his club at the prime of his career, and leaving him destined to live a life without purpose, without love and without soul, and endure the humiliation of little old ladies in hand-knitted Cats scarves leaning over the fence and whacking him with their umbrellas every time he takes to the field at Skilled Stadium for his new team.

 

 

Many Victorian clubs will rightly regard the entry of GC and GWS with grave suspicion, as they risk opening the floodgates to a veritable epidemic of colberting. The only clubs likely to welcome the new teams will be Port Adelaide (which will no longer have the embarrassment of the lowest attendances in the league) and Fremantle (which will no longer be the biggest laughing stock in the league).

 

As an aside, Football Invective.com recently visited the Louvre in Paris, and was APPALLED at what it saw. Naturally, Football Invective.com showed its disapproval in the usual way (with apologies to The Pantsman):

 

 

Meanwhile, note the brooding, disconsolate fellow on the steps of the pavilion, as he despairingly contemplates the soul-less, heartless existence that is the lot of every colberter.

 

"Can't believe the Louvre would name one of its pavilions after this bloke" was the initial reaction of Football Invective.com. Our next thought was that we would be SFA (Stunned, F*cked and Amazed) if the next time we return to the Lourve we don't discover that the aforementioned “Pavillon” (French couldn’t even get the spelling right) no longer resides there but has instead deserted Paris and is plying its trade in the Medici Museum in Florence.

 

Let the War Begin