Colberting Does Not Pay: Just Say No. 

 

 

Dear Footballinvective.com,

 

One could only be amazed at the scale of colberting that seems routine these days in AFL football. However, have you ever paused to consider what happens when the colberting actively benefits the colberted party (a blessing in disguise, as it were). Or, alternativele, when the colberting backfires on the institution/individual who committed it in the first place, ie, when the colberter gets his just desserts? 

 

Which players and identities have been burnt by poetic justice? When has the one-time shunned colbertee emerged from the colberting flames a footballing phoenix, whilst the colberter is duly punished by the anti-colberting spirits? Sample this team of colberters, for whom the dream became a nightmare...

 

BACKS: 

 

Michael Mansfield - colberts Geelong for the Princes Park retirement plan - pretty much says it all, really

Darren Gaspar - colberted the Swans for Tiges - Tiges pay too much again for an overrated hack and becomes the sitting duck for more Punt Road bile than any other player...except Richo, of course; Roos and Rocket meanwhile, are able to sleep easy at night in the process

Danny Hughes - colberts Dees for the South Australian dream - Cornes swiftly turns to the Smart and Hart Show for some defensive strength, whilst the Dees board chuckle mischievously at the veritable Trojan horse they have sent across the Murray Bridge

 

HALF BACKS: 

 

Barry Young - colberts the Dons [whilst on the cusp of a single season of greatness] for the Hawks and CASH - Sheedy dispenses with another hack Sheedy player, whilst the Hawks pay the price for their stupidity by Young putting in a match-losing performance in the 2000 semi-final against the Roos, directly giving away three goals (the Roos won by less than two)

Leigh Colbert - colberts Geelong for 'premierships' (how many is it now, Colbert?) - Sleepy Hollow finds a Harley, the Scarlett Pimp and some self-respect

Adam Heuskes - colberts the Lions for Port - good riddance to bad rubbish, as clean-living Port folk were introduced to flagrant transvestitism

 

CENTRES: 

 

Des Headland - colberts premierships for Freo (most unusual career move). Headland finds that life's not the same when Voss, Lappin, Power, Aker and Black aren't around to provide you with more soft touches than a jumbo bag of cotton balls. And Lethal left him in no doubt as to what he thought of his disloyal colberting antics.

Nick Stevens - colberts Port and a certain premiership for the bargain basement Blues - Stevo must feel like Susan Renouf at Dimmeys at the moment, whilst Chocko just got on with business.

Terry Wallace - colberts Hawk glory for the Dogs - it's been all downhill ever since for Plow. Wallace is to colberting as Ted Bundy is to killing - serial. Meanwhile, the Hawks didn't seem to miss him at all (despite what he would have us all believe) and went from strength to strength to notch up a lazy three further flags.

 

HALF FORWARDS: 

 

Greg Anderson - colberts the Dons for the (Gay) Pride of SA - more Sheedy player trade antics as the Crows get dudded by a super coach in his prime, rebuilding for unlikely premiership success in '93

Anthony Rocca - colberts Swans for Pies. Swans food and catering budget halved the following year, whilst Anthony will be remembered only for being Sav's little bro, THAT behind against the Lions in the '02 Granny and the athletic endurance of a ventilated ICU patient (puffing hard but going nowhere)

Peter Mann - colberts Roos for Freo. Roo fans jubilant; the purple haze were so happy with him that he quite astonishingly won the inaugural club B & F - Angry Docker Fan was thus forced to find out the hard way

 

FORWARDS: 

 

Jeff Hogg - traded feral incompetence at the Tiges for meek impotence at the Lions - thus allowing for the emergence of Richo - the football world in this case was the beneficiary.

Peter McKenna - colberted the Pies for Carlton and in the hope of some premierships, thinking that his propensity for big game choking would miraculously disappear at Princes Park. Instead, regular season choking became par for the course, much to the delight of tortured Pie fans

Nathan Brown - colberts the Dogs for a dose of Punt Road manic-depression. Looked like a dream move at the start of 2005, but no club (let alone the destitute kennel that is Footscray) needs a guy on over half a million per year with a leg that looks like a prop from 'Jaws II'. Meanwhile, the inwardly frenzied Tiger lament continues unabated.

 

FOLLOWERS: 

 

Peter Moore - "MOORE FILTH", the Collingwood banner cried; the cornerstone of Barassi's 'five year plan' was good for the Dees, but the injuries beat him in the end, and the Dees were still garbage anyway - a futile colberting by the big ruckman.

Nathan Buckley - colberts the Bears for Collingwood. Karma, pure karma, as Michael Voss more than adequately fills the vacuum of leadership left by the ex-Port star.

Kane Johnson - colberts the South Australian dream for the Tiges' captaincy - a poisoned chalice, if ever there were one; the Crows gratefully dispose of another uppity Victorian, and are always better off without another one of those

 

INTERCHANGE: 

 

Other colberters who failed to thrive, to the joy, merriment and betterment of the betrayed and violated, include:

Shane Woewodin - in an average midfield at the Dees he was able to look good (everything is relative, after all). However, when playing alongside N. Buckley every week, he soon came to be seen in a different light.

Warwick Capper - colberted Sydney, and the fatherly mentoring of Tommy Hafey, in pursuit of big bucks and the white shoe lifestyle on the Gold Coast. Like just about everyone who made the switch to the Bears in the 1980s, Capper can quite rightly consider himself conned.

Terry and Neale Daniher - colberted by South Melbourne in the late 70s, when the Swans failed to see their potential and traded them to the pre-Sheedy Essendon for a single unknown player, who then went on to become, well, a single unknown player. Is this the greatest player trade clanger of all time? And are the Daniher brothers the two most successful colbertees of all time?

 

COACH:

 

Denis Pagan - colberts the Roos for the 'glamour' of Optus Oval - like cancelling your trip to New York because you've heard this new ship called the 'Titanic' is departing just two weeks later.

 

 

 

Ten Colberters throughout history who have copped divine retribution for their invidious, malevolent actions (in no particular order):

 

1. Adolf Hitler - should never have crossed Georgian Joe. Bad move, as Trotsky would surely attest.

 

2. Mark Latham - ALP can now re-build.

 

3. Gough Whitlam - simply out-colberted by Sir John Kerr in a free-for-all colberting bonanza.

 

4. John Kerr - ALP abandoned a colberter to the cause; the conservatives always saw him as the colberter he was, and thus, never accepted him. Thus a win-win for the Australian political system, a truly bipartisan outcome (who keeps calling it a 'consitutional crisis'?)

 

5. Andrew Peacock - colberted Howard one too many times. Ambassador is just not the same as PM, and we all know it.

 

6. Richard Nixon - colberted W. Mark Felt. Very bad move, as 'Deepthroat' covers himself in glory.

 

7. Fernand Mondego - Edmond Dantes (aka The Count of Monte Cristo) opens up a huge can of woopass on the man who dared to colbert him - and became bloody rich in the process.

 

8. The Conservative Party - colberted the 'Iron Lady'. Madge goes on to win a seat in the Lords, whilst the Tories can't win a seat in the Commons.

 

9. Omar Suarez - attempted colbert on Tony Montana in 'Scarface', when he sets him up to be killed by some Colombian drug lords in a bogus deal. Unfortunately for Omar, Tony escapes the chainsaws and Omar eventually ends up hanging by the end of a rope in Cochabamba, Bolivia tied to Alex Sosa's helicopter. Meanwhile Montana (albeit for a short time) goes on to dominate the world, and everything in it.

 

10. Tony Montana - really should never have thought he could colbert Alex Sosa, but was simply too high on coke to give a shit by this stage.

 

 

Until next time kids, always remember this: 

 

Colberting Doesn't Pay. 

 

Just ask Leigh Colbert.

 

 

 

- Ahmed, Dandenong South