Shane Warne's Ashes Diaries

 

 

2nd Test, Adelaide:

 

SK Warne Match Report 2nd Ashes Test

 

Day 5 of the second test.

 

We're 1 nil up and If I was playing for England today I would be thinking... slow and steady lads, slow and steady. But I'm not thank God and his son Jesus Christ, I'm Australian, and I've woken up with a horn that a dog couldn't chew, and I'm not sure if it's because I can't wait to get that cherry in my hand and get stuck into the soap dodgers... or if it hasn't gone down since phone sex with Rianna Ponting last night. Anyway, no one in my room to stick it in, no time to get on the text messages, so I best jump in the David Gower and work up a nice lather and give the cleaner some work to do on the tiles.

 

Hot breakfast this morning, quite by accident. Put the lit end of the ciggie into my gob while changing hands to down an Iced Coffee. Pup Clarke thought it was a hell of a joke until I told him I used his poofy white skivvy to mop up after a phone conversation with his sister last night. All the boys are full of beans this morning though at breaky. Pigeon was telling everyone the odds he'd got for us to win this morning, and how he's whacked all the money he won on McGilla not being selected straight on us.

 

Prick could have shared his bookie with me, I happen to think we'll get up today too. Particularly with the team they've got on the park. Giles couldn't turn a steak into shit. Jones couldn't keep a farking secret, or buy a run. "Bell end" wouldn't know what I was chucking at him. In fact Kay Pee and that bloke with the stupid name that doesn't usually get a game are their only hope.

 

Arrive at the ground and while the rest of them are keen to get into the nets for a warm up, I've got plans to test out the Adelaide sewage system by sending one of the biggest Richard the Thirds Adelaide has ever seen into it. I'm only 15 minutes into this fine little session, not even up to the centerfold spread yet, when I hear a muffled voice talking about the history of test cricket and how if you look back, the chances of Australia getting a win are so remote it's not worth considering, and how England just need to go steady, nothing silly needs to be done, a draw here will do just fine with 3 tests still to go, maybe we can wear down an ageing Aussie side... then, along with that monster turd I was talking about, the penny has dropped... I'm in the wrong farking change room, and I'm listening to Freddy Flintstone give his pre-match "inspiring" speech.... note to self, NEVER complain about Punter’s speeches again.

 

So with the knowledge that we now had the game in the bag, out we trot to the centre. I've grabbed the new ball and told Punter I'll sort this lot out.. Punter’s told me to pull my stupid head in and wait till I'm told.... this is what happens when you give a short man from Tasmania a bit of authority, he tries to make you pay for all the inbreeding jokes ever created. Still, I'll bide my time, we've got all day. 10 minutes into session 1 and Punter can't even look at me when he throws me the rock... of course I let him know he's made the first good call for the game, and I've asked him to trot down to fine leg please.. even he laughed at that one while jogging to first slip. An hour or so later and I'm well on the way to completely stripping any sense of pride the unwashed have built in the past 4 days. Strauss was easy, nice catch by Mr Cricket by the way, this bloke is so good to me, and the team for that matter, I almost feel guilty about pegging his new girlfriend. “Bell end" run out by me, even when getting run out this poor bastard has my name next to his in the wicket column.... Kay Pee, I enjoyed this one, certainly wiped the stupid smile from his South African dial.....Giles, from one spinner to one that isn't, this was a forgettable one..... and then Hoggard, felt sorry for this poor prick, I've never seen anyone this ugly before, I can see why he grows that hair.

 

So that's that... we had 168 to knock off in the final session, which was always going to happen. 2-0 to us, Punter named man of the match, but we all know I deserved it. Beers will flow in our rooms, tears will flow in theirs. The Ashes are back, and thank god they didn't have them for long enough for anyone to realise!

 

Love to your missus

 

SK Warne

 

 

 

3rd Test, Perth:

 

SK Report Day 5 - 3rd Ashes Test 06/07

 

Up at 6am for my morning jog, 12kms this morning and done in a tick under 40 minutes, then sat down with the lads for breakfast. On the menu this morning was a slice of four grain toast, with extra light country spread butter, freshly squeezed juice from Riverland oranges, and a side of fresh fruit. Then a shower, some light stretching exercises and off for the team yoga class before our net session.... or at least that would have been the start to my day if my name was Kevin Poofter Pietersen... instead, just the usual fart, splash some water on the chevy chase, Winnie blue and an iced coffee for me... nice.

 

Team meeting this morning was at the hotel boardroom number (as Ritchie would say) teeeew! Punter is already on his soapbox when I get there my standard 15 minutes late, and is banging on about us not taking anything for granted: "we still have 5 wickets to get" he says, "it might rain later they are telling us" he says, "they have a lot of quality batting to come" he says.... well that was enough to crack the room up, Alfie has hit the floor laughing hysterically, Mr. Cricket allowed himself a giggle or two, and I must admit, I hadn't laughed so much since I heard Freddy Flintoff cried like baby after the Adelaide test.

 

After 5 minutes of laughter, Punter now realises there is no point continuing the meeting, as nothing he'll say in the next hour or two will be taken seriously, so he starts wrapping things up by asking if anyone has any questions, I say "yes Punter I have one... can you believe Marto is STILL paying shorter odds to top the batting this series than any pom?”... well that was it again, everyone has cracked up, Pigeon has run out the room, still not sure if he was heading to the toilet, or if he was trying to get a piece of that bet. Punter shakes his head and mutters "change rooms.... 5 minutes".

 

So we're all getting changed into our creams, and who should lob into the change room, dressed in white three quarter pants, knee high socks, deck shoes and a purple polo shirt.... Yup... SCG Mc Farking Gill, Punter quickly announces that "Stew would like to address the group before we head out to battle today". Well every bloke in that room looked at each other, and exercised every ounce of self control, to not make the third outburst for the day, there were lots of muffled coughs, plenty of fidgeting went on, as we all anticipated the inspirational words that were about to be delivered.

 

SCG looked at each man in the room, and held a gaze for around 3 seconds before moving to the next man, I was about to burst... was this bloke serious?, I was thinking "please hurry up tosser, I really can't hold this any longer"... then it happened, his first words, with a straighter face I have never seen before, .... "where's Marto??".... well fark me, if you thought we laughed earlier, I laughed so hard I had to change my undies, pigeon broke a rib, even Bing got the joke and had a chuckle.

 

So out to the centre we trot, in the best mood I think we've ever been in. "Let’s have number 6 lads," Gilly shouts. "One more and we're into the tail". Punter adds. "Give me the rock and we'll be on the piss in 20 minutes" I say, "Kay Pee" puffs out his chest and says, "prutty confudent ornt yew Shayne"?... "so confident Kay Pee, that I've already arranged to meet your missus for lunch" I say.

 

After giving the quicks the courtesy of starting the day's play, Punter finally throws me the cherry and says, "wrap this up by tea, and I'll buy you beer" to which I reply, "you're all heart skip, but I'll be well and truly on the scotches by then."

 

My first pole for the day was Freddy Fuckup Flintoff, isn't this bloke in rare form?, great decision by the ECB to hand the pressures of the captaincy on to one of the two blokes that can play.

 

Then out trots Geraint Owen Jones. As he nears the crease Pigeon starts laughing again, and when pigeon laughs, everyone laughs, he just has one of those laughs... then Haydos catches his breath at second slip and asks Pigeon why the cackle?... Pigeon says, "Is that zinc cream he's put on?... does he seriously think he's going to be here long enough to get sunburnt?”... Crack up 4 for the day, then Punter runs him out in a way that only a sneaky Tasmanian could. Surprisingly, Geraint trudges off with a "0" next to his name, "Bad luck" cackles Pigeon as he jogs past, "you got a ripper"... Crack up 5.

 

Our new bloke got their new "ring in" that again, looks anything but Pom. My next pole was Harmless, and as he's trying to work out where the player’s gate is, I've told him to get into Freddy's ear about a promotion up the order next test, as he's averaging more than Geraint. Then I make light work of, and give a free lesson in spin bowling to the terrorist, and that's all she wrote..... how farking easy was that??... 3-0 with 2 to play, Ashes officially back home, Poms are dumb and founded out, I'm on the sauce with the boys and on with Kay Pee's missus a bit later, and 1 Pommy pole to bring up 700, AND ... I'll be in my home town to do it. If that's not enough to warrant a massive swim through and a couple of sluts... WHAT IS??

 

Love to your missus

 

SK