The Origin, the Death and the Re-birth of the Shinboner Spirit

 

 

After North Melbourne was accepted to the Victorian Football League in 1925, almost instantaneously a patient, beautiful and ultimately magnificent soul emerged for the club from the meaty sawdust floor of each and every one of Dryburgh Street’s famous and eclectic butchers. This spirit had no particular name, but the North Melbourne community knew that She was special, and that this intangible force fully embodied the ideals and aspirations of their unfashionable, yet nonetheless thriving suburb. They wanted a name that would reflect their roots, yet at the same time make clear to all that only the finest virtues would ever be adhered to in any quest for advancement and betterment: important values such as honesty, fairness, patience, strength of character, mind and body.

 

North Melbourne’s finest citizens named Her, the Shinboner Spirit. And She was pleased, for She knew that She had been accepted on Earth.

 

The Shinboner Spirit became the guardian angel for all of North Melbourne’s populace, weak and strong, rich and poor, man and woman. This fortitude which She instilled in her people made all North Melburnians believe in the same ethos – that only the patient can truly succeed, that only those who venerate their roots can ever find a sense of inner tranquillity among the chaos generated around them, that only those who invest in simple values such as honesty, fairness and loyalty can expect the windfall. The Shinboner Spirit saw absolutely no reason to exclude the greatest football team in the world from her protection and nurturing, for Her love for all things North Melbourne was indefatigable; thus the royal blue and white became the public advertisement for her infinite power, benevolence and goodwill.

 

Football historians wax lyrical about the fact that North Melbourne’s first quarter of the century in the competition was a bleak and patently unsuccessful one. And from an objective point of view, they would be right. However, despite the innumerable valiant floggings the club copped at the hands of the uppity and the arrogant at Princes Park, Victoria Park and the MCG, North Melbourne people remained circumspect. The Spirit was with them always, and the club’s followers knew that real, lasting success would only come with patience, sacrifice and a strict adherence to the virtues which had guided these people through life. The Spirit had taught them this. Hence the club’s theme song, which happily chimes: ‘North Melbourne will be premiers in 1993.’ This was no desperate throwaway line by a bunch of fair weathers who were waiting to throw in the towel – it was merely confirmation of the patience all Shinboners needed, in the knowledge that the Days of Reckoning would arrive.

 

The Spirit also taught North followers to neither envy nor covet the riches of success that the power clubs had enjoyed, but to simply focus on the task of building lasting glory. The Shinboner Spirit knew that whilst She Herself had unlimited reserves of virtue and beneficence, humans unfortunately do not. She knew that North Melbourne people needed to taste some success, to know that their hard work and courage was to pay dividends. In 1950, the Spirit brought the great Les Foote (Shinboner I) to the centre of Arden Street, leading to the club to its first ever Grand Final. Everyone rejoiced, as for the first time in the club’s history, North Melbourne people had seen the fruits of years of endeavour, and had not been disappointed. That a premiership did not arrive that season was unfortunate from a worldly perspective, but the Spirit ventures in and out of this world, and sometimes Her ways are mysterious and magical.

 

Again, North Melbourne people were to toil without obvious gain for twenty more years. However, non-North Melbourne people had begun to respect the Kangaroo ethos. Everyone knew that down at Arden Street they were doing it tough. Down at Victoria Park and Punt Road there was money and resources aplenty, but North people just didn’t care, because they knew that money and resources couldn’t buy them Spirit. In any event, by the power vested in the Spirit, who had acted in the hearts and minds of club chairmen and other prominent football identities, in the early 1970s the ten year rule was introduced in order to equilibrate the competition - a just reward for North Melbourne people. North had always been outbid and outmuscled in contract negotiations with top players – now, this new rule would finally allow North people to see their dreams consummated.

 

The 1970s was officially Phase 1 of the Spirit’s plan for North Melbourne and the football world. The likes of John Rantall and Doug Wade were persuaded gently by the Spirit to do her bidding – neither player was accused of colberting, as the ten year rule mandated that this was not colberting, but merely a means by which to elevate North Melbourne via ethereal means to its rightful status as the embodiment of all that is good in football. 

 

North supporters had seen the light and were now glowing in its energy and life, as a host of superstars dominated the competition as true Warriors of the Shinboner Spirit. Dench, Cable, Barassi, Schimmelbusch, Greig, Crosswell, Keenan, Kekovich et al. were not only supremely talented, but their contributions were deified by the Spirit that had chosen them to reveal to the world Her glory and Her power. All were courageous. All were brilliant. But, at the same time, all were humble – it had been the Spirit who had been the source of their capacity to captivate the football world. Even Malcolm Blight, the greatest South Australian (and, by definition, Australian) ever, would readily concede that only the majesty and righteousness of the Shinboner Spirit could match anything the greatest state in the world had to offer. By the way, Glenn Archer will always be the Shinboner of the Millennium, but even the Spirit recognises that Malcolm Blight is bigger than even the greatest accolade ever awarded for a league footballer, for He is immortal. And the Spirit also created Mick Nolan to remind all of us that gasometers are indeed beautiful too.

 

The Spirit was pleased. Thereafter, unfortunately, Shinboner spivs arrived at the club in the 1980s to cash in on the worldly success generated by the Spirit’s heavenly works. Corporate bandwagon jumpers and miscellaneous hangers-on misled the North Melbourne faithful, who soon became guilty of worshipping a false god. They had forgotten their roots. They had forgotten the sacrifices. Blood, sweat and tears were replaced by greed, money and avarice at Arden Street. The real world had betrayed Arden Street. And the Shinboner Spirit wept for all humanity, as all that was pure was being contaminated in front of her eyes. Hopeful youngsters like German, Larkin, Spargo and McCarthy could not hear Her speak above the din created by the hordes of malefactors and wrongdoers who were intent on killing Her off. Thus, their careers were never to be as successful as what might have been. North Melbourne was without their kindred spirit, and neither the Krakouers nor the mega-successful John Kennedy Senior could do it without Her.

 

However, despite the failures on the park, She was re-building for a new future. Denis Pagan led the likes of Longmire, Schwass, Martyn, Stevens, Rock, Archer and a certain Wayne Carey to 98 under-19 premierships – solid preparation for the Second Coming of the Shinboner Spirit. No flash cash, just solid recruitment of talented young players who She knew would be receptive to Her voice and vision.

 

However, the events of the 1980s had made the Spirit wiser. She realised that Her work was taking a lot of time, and that She needed a trusted helper to make sure that the football world was cognisant of Her work, that the interests of North Melbourne were always at the forefront. But also, to remind the football world of the consequences of betraying, colberting, or undermining the Spirit. And from the rib of Michael Martyn, the Shinboner Spirit created Her evil, maleficent twin, the Shinboner Curse.

 

Unlike the Shinboner Spirit, the Shinboner Curse is an unmitigated bastard. He doesn’t give a crap about virtue. Doesn’t care for airy-fairy crap. Not into hugging trees or singing ‘The Lord is My Shepherd.’ The Curse actually thinks that his virtuous twin sister has too much of an oestrogen surplus going, and that sometimes She just cries too much. He loves Her like the sister she is, but sometimes She can just be a bit of a drag. Like the Spirit, the Curse plays and works VERY HARD. His commitment to the Shinboner cause is unquestioned and simply unbreakable. However, the Shinboner Curse is real bad news for all anti-North Melbourne forces – He crushes anyone who attempts to stand in the way of His Sister’s work, and commits all sorts of sins to condemn those who undermine the Kangaroo cause to a life of purgatory, self-recrimination, and in the most extreme cases, hell. Here follow some pertinent examples, each highlighting the Curse’s unforgiving nature to those who have crossed him in recent times. The Curse can kick some serious butt with his extraordinarily ruthless super powers. Consider the following:

 

1. Melbourne flog North by over 100 points in the 1987 Elimination Final. Shinboner Curse, just a fortnight later, pushes Jim Stynes across Gary Buckenara’s mark.

2. Dermie robs North of a place in the 1990 finals, kicking the sealer in Tucky's 400th at the Southern Stand-less MCG after gratefully accepting a Wayne Carey hit out in the left forward pocket. Shinboner Curse humiliates Hawthorn by allowing Melbourne to beat them not once but twice at the end of the season, destroying the Hawk quest for a three-peat. Dunstall and Brereton suffer dual ignominy of having been given a bath by Tony Campbell and Stephen Newport twice in one week.

3. Schimma oversees the 20 goal thrashing to the Crows at the commencement of the 1993 pre-season; Shinboner Spirit was faced with a huge moral dilemma as to how to treat a club favourite son. Not so, the Shinboner Curse…

4. Nathan Buckley spurns North Melbourne for Collingwood in contract negotiations for the 1993 season – need we say more?

5. John Elliott throughout his tenure as President of the Carlton Blues intimated (nay, bellowed at every Presidents’ Luncheon) that the Kangaroos were sitting ducks (pardon the pun) for a Blue takeover. Shinboner Curse weaves His magic again, as Elliott ends up as a mini-Enron and becomes one of the most discredited public figures of all time.

6. THAT game in 2001 versus the Dons, when Sheeds’ men came from 135 points down in the first quarter to eventually win by a lazy 10 goals. Despite that particular match being quite possibly the game of the decade, Essendon could not go back-to-back, as Shinboner Curse made certain that the mental and physical toll on the Don players would be too great for premiership success to ever be possible. As a double whammy, Shinboner Curse busted them for salary cap rorting too, forcing Windy Hill to dismantle a winning squad.

7. Shaun Rehn copped stiff retribution for his match-winning 1998 Grand Final performance. Little does he know that the Shinboner Curse (the prick that he is) sprayed a fine Teflon coat on the rubber knob in the centre circle. One knee reconstruction coming up…

8. Also, Shinboner Curse taught Blighty a lesson for 1998 too, sending him to St. Kilda for a little touch up to the ego, despite Her pleading for the Curse to leave Blighty alone. 

9. Denis Pagan failed to show Shinboner Spirit the respect and honour She deserved. Shinboner Curse saw to it that Carlton during his reign would be as good as the Swans back in 1993.

10. Hawthorn during the 1980s and early 1990s were undefeated against North Melbourne for seventeen matches in a row. Shinboner Curse is having the last laugh, last time I checked.

11. Round 7 2005  – Tredders leaves the General Leigh looking like an Evil Knievel stunt gone horribly wrong, with a dozen makrs and half a dozen goals. Round 18 2005 - Shinobner Curse struck back, forcing Tredders to lower his colours to … wait for it, Shannon Watt. (ha ha)

After being blessed by the Spirit with the tactical nous and forethought to lead the Roos to dual premiership success during Her Second Coming, one would have thought that Pagan owed the Spirit some loyalty. She gave him Carey the King as the ultimate tool with which to consummate Her bidding. Yet Pagan saw fit to sell his soul for the equivalent of a jam donut and a strawberry Big M over on Royal Parade. His heart turned black, so much so that he wished to make dead the Spirit - that which had made him grand and respected in the first instance. And without gumption, regret, guilt nor compunction, Pagan assassinated the Shinboner Spirit on that Saturday in Round 16 2004, aka The Abomination. And North Melbourne people wept.

 

But Pagan forgot about the Shinboner Curse, and He was so sad, yet bent on revenge, that He had lost his bestest Sister. So he said to himself, “F**k this! I’m bringing Her back. It’ll be bloody tough, but She’s worth it. Humanity needs Her. And I’ll make that bloody dirt bag Pagan pay for this.” The Shinboner Spirit lay slain at Princes Park, as the Blue Hordes danced sacrilegiously on her tombstone. Shinboner Curse wanted blood, and no-one would stand in His way.

 

In season 2005, Melbourne and Geelong, two pre-season premiership fancies have been devastated by the Shinboner Curse. Melbourne has been winless since beating North at Manuka, whilst Geelong’s arrogance and hubris since that thrashing at Unskilled has been reduced to the meek resignation that has afflicted the club for forty years. In the meantime, the Shinboner Spirit had transcended this world, and was undergoing an intense spiritual overhaul, in order to reveal Herself again, unvanquished and rejuvenated. Twice against the Crows, and against the Eagles in Round 15 this season, the Spirit re-appeared to her beloved subjects, as Thommo turned on the one-grab marking, and Shagger and Boomer starting booting goals again. However, Shinboner Curse knew His Sister better than anybody, and told Her it wasn’t time, She was still weak and fragile. Shinboner Curse personally intervened, making certain that Leigh Harding hit the post in the last quarter against the Indian Ocean Pretty Boys, allowing the Shinboner Spirit to recuperate more fully.

 

In Round 18 at Manuka Oval however, the Shinboner Spirit re-emerged, blinding the Power with her ebullience, glory and splendour. Shinboner Curse was still worried about Her, but as She watched the North Melbourne players toil without soul or purpose, She took pity on them, and saw Her moment. The turning point in the match was halfway through the third quarter, as the Shinboner Spirit smashed the ball into the face of Daniel Harris, revealing Herself to the nuggetty onballer. To that point in the game Harro looked like he had been on enough zopiclone to floor a herd of rhinoceroses. Harro was so amazed and pleased to have his old friend back that he went on to completely dominate the clearances, setting up innumerable North forward moves thereon. The Spirit went on to touch them all. Corey Jones couldn’t help but kick straight. Colbert and Sinclair showed true Shinboner courage, standing in the way of more than one rampaging Warren Tredrea lead. Archer, the Shinboner of the Millennium, knew that She had returned to bless them all again, and that everything would be as it was before Pagan had desecrated Her so mercilessly. Archer was content again.

 

However, the player the Spirit touched most of all was Troy Makepeace. She had shown him great despair in the Eagles game, having contributed to the dual BOG performances of both David Wirrpunda and Phillip Matera. He had thought at that time that the Spirit was gone forever. He had doubted. But She works in mysterious ways, and on Holy Sunday at Manuka he was shown football nirvana.

 

She chose Makepeace firstly because of his exultant and inherently virtuous name, but secondly, to prove the doubting Troy that Her resurrection had been complete. Makepeace set up Sav Rocca with five minutes to go, who for the first time in his career converted a set shot that mattered. [Hail O Great Spirit of Arden Street, for your miracles are truly incredible!] This finally gave the Roos the lead against the Power, who were simply spellbound by the divine miracle which they were blessed enough to witness. That miracle was complete when Makepeace kicked THAT glorious left foot 50m sealer after receiving yet another bullet like Harro in-and-under handpass from underneath a pack.

 

Shinboner Curse however, had the final say. Michael Wilson’s last ditch right (wrong) foot effort went just wide of the right hand goal post.

 

She was pleased. The miracle of the resurrection was complete.