The
greatest game in the world returns for Season 2009, and so too does the only
website that can do it justice. Football
Invective.com is back with a bang in 2009 - more controversial than a
Pauline Hanson nude shot, more revealing than a gangster moll in 'Underbelly', more volatile than a team bonding session with
Setanta O'hAilpin.
Football
Invective.com is a web site that prides itself on its erudition and
forward-thinking nature. So to start this magnificent new season in the only
fitting manner, we hereby set forth our chronological calendar of predictions for the year ahead - from those sublime, skilled
and superlative performances on the field to the (much more amusing)
calamties, conceits and cock-ups off it.
So in a year in which too
much football will never be enough, we proudly present the latest addition to our timeless annals of sporting
commentary, the Season 2009 Football Invective.com Crystal Ball.
The
MCG is packed to the rafters as 90,000 success-starved sports fans
salivate over the once-in-a-lifetime meeting of minds. But the most anticipated match-up in years threatens to be an
anti-climax after Terry Wallace leaves Cousins on the bench for the
entire first quarter. The dark days of the Danny Frawley era are
vividly recalled when several hundred members of the Richmond Grog
Squad storm the Members' stand at quarter time and smash all the
windows in the Tigers coach’s box in an attempt to ‘persuade’
Plow to bring Cousins on. When he's finally brought on, Cuz’s first kick is a raking centre
clearance which pin-points Richo in the square, who slams it through
for a goal, sending the rabid Tiger army into a frenzy. Richo then
promptly does a Jason McCartney and announces his retirement
forthwith, saying he’s been waiting 16 years for a team-mate to hit
him on the chest, and now that he’s experienced it once there’s
nothing else left for him to achieve in football.
April 4
The AFL’s push for a Western Sydney team gets
off to a flying start with football journalists from all over the
country invited to the gala opening of the new Aussie Rules facility
in Blacktown. The Western Sydney side’s biggest local advocate,
Blacktown Mayor Leo Kelly cuts the ribbon at the front gate and
invites the visiting journos in to view his new “boutique” ground. Unfortunately, no Sydney journalists could make it as
they were all too busy covering race riots, state government corruption scandals and
A-list parties. The Melbourne journos who do attend are unimpressed when their
first view of the “boutique” ground reveals it to be a rectangular
shape with rugby goalposts at both ends.
Mayor Kelly is slightly
taken aback when this small anomaly is pointed out to him, and has
some trouble explaining it away. “Of course I said this team can’t
possibly fail” he fumes. “But that doesn’t mean that any of us
here actually know anything about your bloody Mexican aerial ping pong
game.”
Mayor
Kelly: Easily confused
April
11
Carlton
v Essendon at the MCG. Another appalling last quarter fade-out by the
Bombers, whilst the Blues find yet another way to humiliate their old
foes. This time Carlton comes back from 61 points down at
three-quarter time by kicking 10.2 to 0.0 in the last quarter. Brendon
Fevola leads the charge with 5 last quarter goals, but once again
finds himself in hot water after he relives his Greville Street
exploits and takes a leak on a goal post during the game. A spokesman
for Carlton assures the football world that "Brendon has been
counselled about his behaviour and the club has made it clear that he
is now on his last chance."
April 19
Anthony Koutoufides kicks some serious ass on
tonight’s episode of “Gladiators”. At the end of the show, the
host compliments him on his performance, and his rippling physique.
“You look fit enough to still be playing AFL” the host swoons.
“Wouldn’t that be nice. I wish I could have kept playing
forever”, Kouta replies.
April 20, 5:00am
Following in the illustrious footsteps of its 2008
front-page scoop declaring the James Hird comeback, the first
edition of The Rage splashes
with another explosive front-page story by Rohan Connolly declaring
that Anthony Koutoufides is about to make a comeback to the AFL’s
playing ranks. Connolly confirms the veracity of the story with an
exclusive “Carlton insider” (a hopelessly besotted female cheer
squad member who told him “I’d just do anything to have him
back here again”) and leaps into print declaring “This can only
mean one thing - Kouta’s Back!".
April 20, 9:00am
Contrite and embarrassed over the inaccuracy of
its front-page splash, The Rage discreetly pulls the Kouta story from
its website. From the kitchen out the back of his Souvlaki Hut, Kouta confirms by telephone interview with Channel 7 that, no,
he’s not contemplating a comeback.
April 21
Unperturbed by his paper’s dropping of the
story and Kouta’s own words, a defiant Rohan Connolly stands
by his story. When asked why he didn’t try to verify it with
Koutoufides himself, Connolly sharply retorts “Well he would have
just denied it, wouldn’t he.”
April 26
The AFL unveils its latest fixturing innovation,
scheduling a match in a new timeslot between Sunday afternoon and
Sunday twilight. AFL spokesman Gillon McLachlan dubs it the “Sunday Afternoon Tea” timeslot and says it
is “all about tapping into that that new
niche of discerning consumers that our market research tells us are
only interested in consuming AFL product if the first bounce is
between 3:57pm and 4:11pm on a Sunday."
May 1
Following on from his Carlton tanking
'revelations' last year, and desperate for some more publicity - any
publicity - Tony Liberatore goes public
with another shocking revelation. In an exclusive interview (with his
mother, shot on home video as no TV station was interested) Libba
claims that the Bulldogs deliberately tanked in the final quarter of
the 1997 Preliminary Final. Libba goes one step further and claims
that the goal umpire who awarded him that behind was also in on
the scam. When no TV station shows any interest in airing his
interview, Libba broadcasts it to the world as a podcast on his blog (www.iwantattention.blogspot.com)
which receives a grand total of 9 hits. Naturally, the mainstream
media ignores the story - all except that dedicated journalistic sleuth
Caroline Wilson. Wilson leaps into print claiming that un-named “sources” have confirmed the story,
so it must be true.
Libba
- Colberter
May 2
‘Showdown XXVI’ is another classic contest,
full of free-flowing, lairising SA football, with half a dozen Mark
of the Year nominations and two dozen bruising shirtfronts. In a
tight finish the Crows win an epic exhibition of champagne football
21.9.135 to Port Power 20.10.130.
Unfortunately however, the crowd for
this latest Port home game is down slightly, to a
disappointing 768. A number of Port fans were unable to make it to the
game when they were involved in a 10 Torana pile-up at the Gepps
Cross junction on their way to West Lakes. Several more were unable to
attend due to being held hostage by bikies in Parafield, whilst all
the Crows fans complained that Football Park was too far from the
Barossa and McLaren Vale, where they all spent the day buying
chardonnay instead.
May 4
Unfazed by the disappointing Showdown
turn-out, the SANFL announces its biggest
and boldest plans yet to redevelop AAMI Stadium.
This lastest
proposal includes two new grandstands with LCD action replay screens in every seat, a
Simpsons-style monorail to transport fans to
the ground from the farthest reaches of the Max Basheer car park, and
a
personal bar fridge stocked with Farmer’s Union iced coffee under
every seat.SANFL Chief Executive
Leigh
Whicker says the
location of the stadium has nothing to do with its declining
attendances and boldly declares that “it’s all about
giving the fans what they want –
where we want.”
May 5
Rumours sweep the football world that the World
Anti-Doping Authority is to conduct a drug testing blitz of AFL clubs
this week. Ben Cousins turns up to training sporting a bald head.
“I’m a big Midnight Oil fan and I just wanted to show how much I
admire Peter Garrett” Cousins says. Mike Sheahan uses his column
the next day to defend Cousins, and pleads with the football world to
“just give Benny a go”.
May 6
Andrew "Comrade" Demetriou jumps back on to his
left-wing political
soapbox, delivering a speech to a Fabian Society meeting that is
uncannily similar to his 2005
Australia Day address. Once again, Demetriou bemoans the evils of
social inequality, complaining that “we are more inclined to self-interest than
sharing… Can we continue to believe we are a just and sharing and
inclusive society?… I want a government that applies our riches
fairly to all.”
May 7
Demetriou and Gillon McLachlan are all smiles at
the glittering launch of the AFL’s 2009 "Centre Square" Grand
Final package – a steal at just $2,995 per person. “It’s
exclusive, it’s indulgent, it’s the future of football” beams
Demetriou.
May
9
Carlton
plays Fremantle at Carrara in a specially-promoted game to 'showcase' the
AFL to sceptical Gold Coast locals. Unfortunately, the AFL's image is
left slightly tarnished and the 2,011 fans in attendance left in deep shock at
Brendon Fevola's latest indiscretion, when he takes the field wearing the
same giant strap on 'apparatus' that he wore on Mad
Monday 2008.
A
spokesman for Carlton once again re-assures the football world that "Brendon
has been counselled about his behaviour and he is definitely, most
certainly, undoubtedly on his last chance now."
May 12
It’s Budget night in Canberra and the Federal
Government announces a new economic stimulus package, including big
tax cuts for all income earners up to $150,000. A spokesman for the AFL
Players Association condemns that tax cuts as “not nearly enough”,
saying that “99 per cent of AFL players earn over the threshold and
will miss out.”
May 13
An angry Treasurer Wayne Swan appears on morning
radio to defend his tax package against the AFLPA’s critique.
“They clearly don’t know what they are talking about” he says.
“It’s only 97.1 per cent of AFL players who are above the
threshold. The Players Association needs to get its facts right before it
shoots its mouth off like that.”
May 15
The Federal Government’s inquiry into a possible
Bill of Rights for Australia delivers its final report, recommending
the enactment of a new Bill of Rights to protect an expansive
range of political and social rights.
A spokesman for the AFL Players
Association says the AFLPA is appalled by the inadequacy of the
proposal, saying “any fair dinkum Bill of Rights must surely include
the right of professional sports people to take recreational drugs
without fear of detection or punishment. We intend lodging a complaint
with the UN Human Rights Commission at this egregious breach of a
fundamental human right.”
May 20
The AFL’s push for a 17th team on the
Gold Coast receives its biggest boost yet. At a glittering
announcement in the pokie machine room at Jupiters Casino, AFL chiefs and
Queensland Premier Anna Bligh announce that they have secured private
sector funding for a $200 million rebuild of Carrara. The redevelopment
includes a high-rise apartment block on the flood-prone swampland that
currently serves as the carpark, a huge shopping mall that is so big
that it encroaches onto the playing arena (thus requiring the
excision of one forward pocket at the southern end), plus "boutique" spectator seating for 600 corporate boxes and 4,000
fans.
AFL Chief Operations Manager Gillon McLachlan says the AFL was
pleased to prove the sceptics wrong after it was claimed that funding to rebuild the stadium would be impossible
to find in the current economic
climate.
“I am very proud to announce that the AFL has secured
funding for this project from a major Gold Coast property development
and venture capital syndicate – Special Projects Investment Vehicle
Pty Ltd, which has a history of high profile property development
deals in the Gold Coast region,” McLachlan says.
The chairman of SPIV Pty Ltd,
Mr Max Wight-Schumann, is also present at the announcement and hails it
as “a magnificent day in the history of Gold Coast property
development... Following the Fitzgerald Inquiry we didn’t think
we’d ever be able to pull off a deal like this again. This puts us
back on the map. Joh and Russ would be proud if they could see us
know.”
May 30
Michael Gardiner is seen drinking with known
underworld identity Alfonso Barbaro in a dodgy Lygon Street bar.
Saints spokesman Alistair Hogg says
the club is not worried. “what
Michael does in his private time, as long as it's not affecting the
club, is really not our concern.”
May
31
Ben Cousins is seen walking out of a Chapel Street
hair dresser with a shaved head. “I’ve converted to Buddhism –
it’s a Dalai Lama thing” he says. “Just give Benny a go”
pleads Mike Sheahan that night on 'On the Couch'.
June 5
Nathan Ablett is spotted getting off a Jetstar
flight from the Gold Coast at Avalan Airport. An eagle-eyed
photographer from the ‘Geelong Advertiser’ snaps an enthusiastic
and fit-looking Nathan jumping into a car and being driven in the
direction of Moorabool Street Geelong.
June 6
The front page of the Geelong Advertiser is
adorned with the huge headline “Nathan’s Back” and a photo of
the boy once known as the Third Coming getting into the car at Avalon.
There is barely any space left on the front page for the actual story,
which reads “The whole city was abuzz last night with the news
that Nathan Ablett is officially back at Geelong .... (continued page
7)”
Page 7 then reads “….to visit his family
for the long weekend.”
June 10
The bitter falling out between Rod Butterrs and
Grant Thomas continues. Butters serves Thomas with a writ to recover
the $1 million he still owes him and says Thomas’s coaching ability
“made Tim Watson look like Kevin Sheedy”. Thomas is furious at
being unfavourably compared to Watson and counter-claims by suing Butterss for
defamation. He claims Butterss is “the worst thing to hit Moorabbin
since Robbie Muir ran amok in 1984” and “about as credible as
Fraser Gehrig’s comeback”.
Nick Riewoldt kindly offers to appear
as a character referee for Thomas, saying that “I owe all my
success in football to Grant. He helped me avoid the fate of being a
talented coodabeen who never fulfilled his full potential and never
got the chance to play in a Grand Final.”
But the last word goes
to Malcolm Blight, who when asked about the latest shenanigans from
his old foes proudly proclaims that he “couldn’t give a rat’s
tossbag” what they do to each other.
June
12
The AFL’s push for a Western Sydney franchise
receives a boost with the league announcing the first major sponsor
for the proposed team.
In a press conference at Bankstown Town Hall, the
AFL announces that it has secured a 5-year sponsorship deal with a
company described as "a leading player in the New South Wales
automotive industry, and a major employer in the Western Sydney
region".
The
company is Lakemba Car Rebirthers Pty Ltd, which the AFL describes as “at
the forefront of one of the fastest-growing sectors in the booming
Western Sydney economy, and is famous throughout the local suburbs for
providing the full range of wholesale, retail, and aftermarket
services to the local automotive industry.”
AFL spokesman Gillon McLachlan praises Lakemba Car
Rebirthers as “a local family business which epitomises the values
of Western Sydney”.The AFL also praises the company for its social
conscience, saying it is famous for providing work
opportunities to local unemployed youth.
A
spokesman for Lakemba Car Rebirthers, Theo Ramraidazri, who declines
to appear on camera, says the sponsorship deal is a true ‘win-win’
outcome for both his business and the AFL. “Yeah mate, the
footy club gets the moolah, and me and my bros get exclusive access to the car parks on
match days. It’s sweet mate.”
McLachlan
says he is delighted to announce the deal. “We’ve always said
that this will be a franchise that will be in touch with its local
community. This deal proves that it will be a uniquely Western Sydney
club, and that its members and supporters will be able to immerse
themselves in the rich culture of Western Sydney at every match. It
won’t just be about the game – it will be about the full match-day
experience. We
hope this new sponsor can do for football in Sydney what they do to
people’s cars”.
June 15
Jim Stynes announces his latest “Debt
Demolition” fund-raising initiative to save the Demons. Drawing on
even more market research and consultants' reports which suggest that Melbourne
needs to tap into its wealthy yet apathetic demographic of silvertail
supporters, Stynes and Dean Bailey despatch all senior list players on
a mission to hang around rattling blue and red tins and yelling “Go
Dees” out the front of Mount Hotham chalets and amongst
the lines of four-wheel drives parked out the front of Scotch College
at 8:45am and 3:30pm. The new campaign is dubbed “Save our Blue and
Red Skins
and Silver Tails” but unfortunately it backfires when well-heeled
Toorak tractor divers at Scotch recoil in horror at the sight of
Nathan Carroll knocking on the windows of their Mercedes M Classes
and BMW X5s:
June 20
Sydney plays Collingwood in front of a
disappointing crowd of only 5,000 at the Homebush Olympic Stadium, despite the
AFL offering free admission, a free meat pie and a $1,000 voucher to
blow at any Western Sydney pokie club to any person attending the
game who lives west of Balmain. Collingwood cheer
squad chief ‘Joffa’ confirms that 4,800 members of the crowd were
Pie fans from Melbourne (who had driven up the Hume Highway in 1,200
stolen cars) leaving only 200 Sydney locals who attended.
Lakemba Car Rebirthers has its most profitable day
ever, as it is inundated with 1,200 cars bearing Victorian number plates.
June 25
The alarming slide in the Footy Show’s ratings
continues. In a last desperate attempt to create some interest in the
show, Sam Newman skulls a bottle of Jim Beam on stage, lights a Billy
Brownless fart with a blow torch, rogers ablow-up sex doll adorned with Jason Dunstall’s face and
performs half a dozen tricks from ‘Puppetry of the Penis’.
Eddie
McGuire is appalled at Sam’s performance. “I just cannot believe
he could be that unprofessional” McGuire fumes. “We specifically
agreed before the show that he would also prank call Caroline Wilson
and have on-air phone sex with her, but he inexplicably left that bit
out. Sam is clearly losing his touch.”
June 26
Channel 7 is thrilled to announce its latest
'innovative' experiment in football coverage. Following on from its ground-breaking
innovations in football coverage in 2007 and 2008, namely putting a
microphone on a team runner (thus enabling the audience to have their
enjoyment of the game spoiled by hearing a bloke yelling “Man up! Man up!” 100 times during the game) and then putting a microphone
on the goal umpire (thus enabling the audience to have their enjoyment
of the game spoiled by hearing a bloke yelling “All clear! All
clear!” 50 times a game), Channel 7 introduces its latest
“innovation” – this time they have strapped a microphone to the
pie boy who sells pies in bays 7-12 in the Southern Stand. TV audiences now
get to experience the pleasure of having crucial passages of play
interrupted by a squeaky-voiced adolescent yelling “Hot pies, cold
drinks, chocolate bars” every 30 seconds. Fortunately for viewers,
the 13 year-old pie boy’s voice breaks at the 10-minute mark of the
third quarter, and they are spared the rest of his “exclusive
insights” for the rest of the game.
June 28
The AFL Commission announces that it has
definitely, certainly, finally, absolutely not made up its
mind about a future night Grand Final.
June 29
The push for a Tasmanian team continues to gather
pace when a high-powered delegation from the Apple Isle visits AFL
House to put their case. The delegation comprises two-dozen Tasmanian
corporate leaders, the entire state cabinet and Princess Mary of
Denmark (“Tassie’s greatest export since Baldock and Hudson”).
It pledges to underwrite the team with 20% of the state’s GDP, pay
for 30,000 memberships per year and donate $100 million to Channel 7
to cover their team’s matches on TV. The AFL is
unmoved, saying
“our
series of measurements economically and demographically point to Western
Sydney as the key priority at this point in time."
June 30
A “Who’s Who” of NSW football identities
descends on Western Sydney to conduct the region’s biggest-ever
school footy clinic, to which 500 local primary and high schools are
invited. Unfortunately, however, Paul Kelly, Tony Lockett, Paul Roos and
Warwick Capper are disappointed with the turn-out of only two kids and one
border collie wearing Penrith Panthers jumpers. Andrew Demetriou,
though,
is unconcerned, saying the low turnout simply proves the AFL must to
more to establish a team in Western Sydney. "To do nothing is not an
option" he maintains.
July 4
It’s July in Melbourne and the height of the
footy season, which can only mean one thing – time for another
controversial incident involving a Collingwood player, alcohol, a
brush with the law and moronic behaviour in an automobile. This time
it’s Heath Shaw and Alan Didak who attempt a drunken carjacking
after a big afternoon on the booze at the Spearmint Rhino. Unfortunately for the two Magpies, they display a Kane
Johnson-esque level of bad luck in their choice of target, with the
car turning out to be an unmarked police car, whose humourless
occupants fail to see the funny side and also happen to all be Carlton
supporters.
July 4
Barack Obama is tragically assassinated by
right-wing fanatics during an Independence Day party in the Deep
South.
July 5
The Shaw-Didak affair blows up into a predictable
feeding frenzy in the lesser football media. The Herald Sun shows
admirable restraint by not beating up this latest Collingwood story out of all proportion. Instead, it only dedicates its
first five pages to coverage of the incident, thus relegating the
Obama assassination to page 6.
July 15, early morning
The Rage once again has tongues wagging with its
front-page banner headline declaring that Kevin Sheedy is about to
announce a comeback as captain-coach of Richmond. According to the
article by “Chief Football Writer” Rohan Connolly, Sheedy recently
told his mother-in-law’s next-door-neighbour that “I loved playing
just as much as I loved coaching” and “I’d like to make a
contribution to Richmond in some capacity in future”.
“This can
only mean one thing” Connolly concludes: “Terry Wallace can pack
his bags – Sheeds is coming back.”
Connolly:
On the Ball
July 15, late morning
Punt Road is besieged by passionate Richmond fans
picketing the ground and promising not to leave until Sheedy is
appointed captain-coach. Richmond board members are unable to
understand what all the fuss is about when a visit to The Rage’s web
site in search of the Connolly story at 9:01am proves fruitless.
July 26
Another Geelong-Hawthorn blockbuster at the MCG.
The two teams are unbeaten for the year (their Round 1 match having
been a draw), the MCG is a sell-out and the match is broadcast live
into Victoria, SA, WA and Tasmania, attracting TV ratings of 87% in
each of these states. Meanwhile, Channel 7 shows a re-run of ‘Chitty
Chity Bang Bang’ in NSW and Queensland, with lucky viewers able to
watch a delayed telecast of the Hawks-Cats clash starting at 3:15am.
Andrew Demetriou refuses to be swayed by Channel 7’s snub, saying
this latest incident simply proves the AFL must do more to establish
new teams in Western Sydney and Queensland. "To do nothing is not an
option" he rages.
August 5
Michael Gardiner and Ben Cousins are seen leaving
a fortified Hells Angels compound in Campbellfield. Saints president
Rod Butterss is not worried: “What
Michael does in his private time, as long as it's not affecting the
club, is really not our concern”.
August 6
The Hells Angels compound is besieged by 1,000
feral Richmond supporters, who say they won’t leave until the Angels
draft Cousins as a fully-patched member.
August 13
The annual lesser football media period of
speculation about an expanded interchange bench begins again. Kevin
Sheedy predictably weighs in with a proposal to expand the bench to 9
players. Not to be outdone in the ‘expansion’ stakes, Mark
Williams pops up with his latest plan to expand the finals series to a
Final 13. The expansion auction continues unabated – Mike
Fitzpatrick floats his latest brainwave to expand the AFL to 20 teams
with a second new franchise in both the Gold Coast AND Western Sydney
in order to "create genuine local rivalry in these markets".
Just
when we thought the expansion auction couldn’t get any wackier, the
AFL Players Association chips in with its own proposal to expand the
AFL’s player drug policy from 3 strikes to 10 strikes. “Player
privacy must come first!” pleads a spokesman for the AFLPA.
August 26
Ben Cousins announces he has secured a new
sponsorship deal for the Tigers, with an exclusive male back crack and
sack wax boutique, ‘Mr Spiffy’s’ of Commercial Rd, Prahran. As
part of the deal, Cousins is to be appointed a full-time ambassador
for Mr Spiffy’s, which will entitle him to a free weekly wax that
will keep him completely free of body hair.
Mike Sheahan is in no
doubt that the deal is “Good for Football, and good for the Richmond
Footy Club. Isn’t it great to see the sponsors finally giving Benny
a go."
August 18
Jason Akermanis once again uses his newspaper
column to make controversial allegations involving AFL players and
drug taking. This time he airs the allegation that West Coast Eagles
players once took cocaine at a big party, one of them got off his face
in Las Vegas and its former captain was a drug addict.
“Issues like
this need to be brought out into the open” Aker solemnly declares.
“Thank goodness the football world has someone as courageous,
selfless, fearless and handsome as me to blow the whistle on stories
like this. After all, the public has a right to know.”
August 19
The lesser football media politely points out to
Aker that his latest whistle-blowing 'revelation' is actually nothing new. Eddie McGuire can’t resist putting in the boot in, saying
“Aker couldn’t break a story if he ran over one in his car”.
A fuming Aker promises to “get Eddie, and get
Channel 9” over their public ridiculing of him.
August 21
It’s Friday night football and the Dogs are set
to play the Cats when the crowd at the ground is shocked by the news
that Jason Akermanis, despite being named in the starting line-up, is
refusing to take the field, as a protest against Eddie McGuire
and Channel 9. Aker says he is now refusing to appear in any football
game that will be screened on Channel 9, in the mistaken belief that it still has
the TV broadcast rights.
August
22
Hawthorn
plays Richmond at the MCG. Lance Franklin goes on the rampage, and has
10 goals (and 19 behinds) on the board by half-time. Terry Wallace
reaches into his tactical bag of tricks and puts Richard Tambling on
him for the second half. Plow figures that he can't possibly have been
wrong at the time of the 2004 draft, and is still convinced that
Tambling is the better player. Buddy goes on to break the Fred Fanning
record of 18 goals in a game. Wallace fails to front up to the
post-match press conference after he is unexpectedly detained
by a full-length mirror in the dressing room, but a spokesman for the
Tigers says Wallace still believes that Tambling is "greatly under-rated by the football
world".
August 27
Another major drug controversy arises when several
AFL players’ medical records find their way into the lesser football
media. An intrepid Channel 7 journalist, doing his best Agent 13
impersonation, hides out in a rubbish bin at the back of a Heidelberg
drug treatment clinic for several days sifting through its rubbish as
it is emptied on top of him.
“An appalling breach of media ethics
– gutter journalism at its worst!” fumes Craig Hutchison on the
Footy Show. “He’ll be hiding a camera in a suitcase and stalking
players at airports next”.
August 30
St Kilda takes on 16th-placed Melbourne
in Round 22 in the Saints’ last chance to make the finals.
Unfortunately for the Saints, Michael Gardiner does a Nathan Thompson
and pulls himself off the field halfway through the final quarter,
leaving no ruckmen left to take the centre bounces. As a
result, Melbourne wins the next 5 centre clearances and kicks the last
5 goals of the game to get up by 1 point, meaning the Saints miss
the finals on percentage. After the game Gardiner explains that he had
to run off the field in order to take a very important phone call.
Police later trace the call as having come from a suspected underworld
identity who was at the scene of a fatal King Street shooting at
three-quarter time.
Saints co-captain (one of seven under the latest
St Kilda 'leadership' policy) Nick Riewoldt continues to tow the party line
at the post-match press conference, saying “Well,
yeah nah, What Michael does in his
private time, as long as it's not affecting the club, is really not
our concern”.
September 3
The lesser football media plumbs new depths of bad
taste with Rohan Connolly’s latest front-page splash in The Rage:
“Ted Whitten and Jack Dyer to announce comebacks”.
According to
Connolly’s sources, Whitten once said on ‘World of Sport’ in
1978 that he wished he hadn’t retired as early as he did and Dyer
had turned to the bloke sitting next to him during the 1980 Grand
Final and said that he "wished he could have been out there that
day". “This can only mean one thing” Connolly concludes,
“Mr
Football and Captain Blood are back!”
September 21
Brownlow night, and Melbourne's most glamorous
stars and starlets strut their stuff. The increasingly modest Rebecca
Twigley again disappoints those hoping for a re-run of 2004 when she turns up in a Taliban
burka. Nathan Buckley’s wife’s
outfit is, once again, to female fashion what Roberta Williams’
vocabulary is to female etiquette. Jo Bailey continues to be the
football world’s yummiest mummy.
Carlton officials confirm that
Brendon Fevola is “now definitely, most certainly, totally,
utterly, categorically on his last chance” after he can't find
the mens' room and takes a dump on stage whilst the
votes are being read out.
Gary Ablett is tragically
denied the Brownlow by one vote when he only receives two votes in the
Round 17 game against Hawthorn in which he had 45 possessions and
kicked 5 goals. Luke Hodge instead takes the 3 votes in a game in which he had
18 possessions and spent the entire third quarter on the bench.
Andrew
Demetriou and the AFL can't understand what all the fuss is about when
footy fans complain about a lack of atmosphere at the Grand Final.
"What could be more atmospheric than the post-match concert at
'Centre Square' after the game" he retorts.
Geelong
finally redeems itself after the dark, dark day of the 2008 Grand
Final. Cameron Mooney kicks 6 goals and no behinds. Harry Taylor regains
his manhood by taking out Stuey Dew, Mark Yeates style, at the opening
bounce. With scores level with 15 seconds to play Mark Blake shows
uncharacteristic agility with a desperate Wayne Harmes dive to keep
the ball in play in the back pocket. His tap finds David Wojinski who
does a Phil Manassa run down the length of the field. With 2 seconds
left he pumps the ball long to Gary Ablett, who takes a Leo Barry mark
in the goal square with one second left. From the same spot on the MCG
from which The
Great Man won the '94 Prelim Final, he slams through the winning
goal after the siren, with the ball being marked in the crowd by Bob
Davis.
And
Football Invective.com lives happily ever after.
December 25
Christmas presents for
everyone and Santa's generosity leaves many members of the football world
thinking all their Christmases have come at once:
Michael Gardiner gets a
lead role in the third series of “Underbelly”;
Andrew Demetriou
receives a letter containing an expression of interest from one
solitary Western Sydney resident who wants to see a team there;
Rohan Connolly
gets a 'hot tip' from Mark Latham saying that he's contemplating a
comeback to politics;
Mick
Malthouse gets some free relaxation therapy at a Daylesford health
spa;
Melbourne Football Club
gets a bailout from the IMF;
Tony
Liberatore gets his Brownlow Medal back (even Football
Invective.com felt sorry for him over that one);
Leigh
Colbert gets 30 pieces of silver;
Ben
Cousins gets another haircut;
Malcolm
Blight gets absolutely nothing (not even Santa can find something
to give the man who truly has everything);
Football
Invective.com gets assassinated by an angry lynch mob led by Rohan
Connolly and Mike Sheahan. But it was all worth it.
