Round
8, 2009
After
a Round 7 full
of upsets, Round 8 was rather less volatile... on the field. In a round that
delivered more predictable results than the outcome of a Britney Spears
pregnancy test, Richmond again came to the rescue for lovers of football
tragedy and football comedy alike. With the Tigers coaching box looking like
Karl Stefanovic after a big night at the Logies, the Yellow and Black came
from 5 goals down against Port to be 16 points ahead in the final term, only
to let it slip from their broken hands as the Second Coming of Warren
Tredrea produced 7 goals and the match-winner deep into time on.
It's been a bad week for football clubs who've employed tarts that'll do
anything for money, as both the Prahran and Richmond supporter bases have
found out recently. But Football Invective.com queries why the fact that a
football club brought in a stripper to entertain its players is somehow
'controversial' enough to constitute front page news in the Herald Sun. In
other earth-shattering news for the Hun's front page, a controversial
Melbourne bucks night also brought in a stripper, a controversial Melbourne
bar mitzvah brought in a rabbi, and a controversial Melbourne primary school
brought in the Wiggles.
Whilst
the Two Blues have only lost their tag as the least heterosexual club in
football after their mis-adventures
with the young lady entertainer, Richmond have now lost seven matches
and all credibility under their Head Colberter Terry Wallace. In fact,
Richmond could hardly have been any worse off if they'd hired Miss Nude
Australia to run training for the lads - at least that way the club might
have retained some dignity.
Wallace
- Going, going - not gone?
Given
that the genesis of Wallace's 5-year term at Richmond was his brazen
colberting of the Dogs in 2002, Football Invective.com has spent the last
five years campaigning for an appropriate piece of colberting karma,
comparable to that inflicted on Judas Iscariot after he colberted the
Nazareth First XI, only to suffer a severe neck injury before he could cash
in on his next contract. It's simply another example of football's oldest
law - remember kids, Colberting
Doesn't Pay.
Following
Sunday's loss, rumours began to circulate that Wallace was about to become
the latest victim of the RFC (Richmond Football Crisis). Attention naturally
turned to his successor in the most uncomfortable of all football seats.
Reports from Punt Road were that former NRL player Matty Johns had thrown
his hat in the ring - in a statement, Johns said:
"I've
got a bit of time on my hands these days, and I reckon I've still got a lot
to offer a football club. My Aussie Rules footy skills are probably up to
Richmond standard, as when it comes to man management I've got a lot of
experience at getting all the boys to put in."
Other
candidates who were mentioned for the Richmond coaching job have included
(in descending order of credibility) Nathan Buckley, Mick Malthouse,
Humphrey B Bear, Paris Hilton and Gary Ayres. While almost every former
Richmond coach can now be found facing the corner of their padded rooms
muttering gibberish in a clearly unhinged state, FootballInvective.com repeats
its call to Bring Back Tommy Hafey. The only man in the AFL with bigger
guns than Chris Tarrant, Hafey is clearly all that now stands between
Richmond and further embarassment.
As
Tuesday morning dawned, it seemed the writing was on the wall in the Jack
Dyer stand. The lesser football media began reporting the news of Wallace's
imminent execution and the football world was both alert, and alarmed.
The
Football Invective.com Batcave is located in close proximity to Punt Road,
in what would be described as the Exclusion Zone if Punt Road was Chernobyl.
Those in the immediate area could only brace themselves for the imminent
explosive fall out, and several hearses seen driving south along Hoddle
Street that morning were mistakenly believed to be on their way to Tigerland.
But it all turned out to be a false alarm, as two hours later the Tigers
announced that Wallace would continue
to coach.
The
most anticpated judgement day in years turned out to be a fizzer. From the
club that brought you Danny Frawley, Tony Free, Terry Wallace and a 1-7
win-loos record now comes the ultimate coaching indignity this week. Even
though their skill level maybe down, we all thought that at the very least
the Tigers still had the skill to sack a coach correctly. The only person at
the club who showed any signs of traditional Richmond values was Kane
Johnson, who apparently suggested
that Wallace should go, only to be overruled by everyone else.
This
once again raises the question of what has happened to the once proud Tiger
Army? All Tiger supporters should hang their heads in shame for the role
they have played - or, to be more precise, failed to play - in the execution
of their coach.
-
Where
was the violence inflicted on the coach’s box?
-
Where
was the spitting on players and coach a la the last days of Danny
Frawley in 2004?
-
Where
were the angry talkback callers melting down Melbourne airwaves after
every loss?
-
Where
were the special deliveries of chicken manure at Punt Road?
-
Where
was the frothing, seething, violent anger that we have come to know and
love from Richmond’s finest?
Instead,
it was left to the board to bring the axe down, without any hint of public
pressure from ‘the most passionate fans in the league’. Then, when the
board failed to bring down the axe, there was not a hint of accountability
or retribution from the masses.
It
is indeed fitting that in a week in which the Tamil Tigers gave their
unconditional surrender and showed themselves to be a meek bunch of
has-beens that can no longer inspire any fear or exert any influence, so too
did the once proud (and feared) Tigerban.
Tiger
fans now appear to be in the grip of a perverse kind of Stockholm syndrome,
where they empathise with the hopeless coaches that have taken the club
hostage. They used to resist (the Frawley years) but now they must
think that resistance is futile.
This
week Travis Cloke had
a shot fired at the North Ringwood house where he lives with his parents.
For most of the past three decades, it would have been reasonably certain
that such an incident was the work of the Tigerban seeking belated vengeance
on Cloke’s dad for colberting Richmond in the early ‘80s. But now that
the Tigerban have laid down their arms, police have been forced to look
elsewhere for possible suspects.
Richmond
supporters now need to take a long hard look at themselves in relation to
their failure to rise up and do their duty to overthrow the under-achieving
Wallace and his ‘Five Year Plan’. Instead of looking to a new coach as
salvation, they need to take a good look in the mirror first. Tiger fans -
heal thyselves.
NRL
sinks even lower
As
if last week's revelations weren't a big enough blow for the credibility and
dignity of the NRL, this week the league's 'most famous' popped for some
shameless gloating in the pages of the Daily
Telegraph. And we thought some AFL groupies were a bit out there:
Confessions
of football groupie Charmyne Palavi
IF
YOU believed Four
Corners, I'm supposed to be the NRL's biggest groupie, a wannabe WAG
who dresses up, heads out to clubs and hunts down players to have sex
with.
I
don't deny I've had liaisons with many, many footballers, but what annoys
me about these tags and the way I was portrayed on that show is the idea I
prey on them like some of the starstruck women I've seen out there.
I'm
no angel, but I've seen this game play out from both sides: First as the
partner of a pro footballer for nine years, then as a single woman who can
have sex whenever, with whomever, I choose.
In
light of these confessions from Ms Palavi, Football Invective.com's
full-time research unit has looked further into her claims and managed to
find her Facebook page:
If
male readers would like to acquaint themselves with Ms Palavi, Football
Invective.com suggests to following 3-step process:
-
Send
Charmyne a friend request
-
Change
your Facebook status to "[Your name] is a randy rugby league
player"
-
Let
the good times roll.
Hero
of the Week: Warren Tredrea - Stole the show, and the game, with 7
goals, including the winner in dismal conditions at Footy Park. Tredrea now
admits that two years ago he had written himself off and, given his injuries
at the time, this was a fair call. His battered body resembled that of the
Terminator after the truck exploded and he was left crawling on his hands.
But just like the Terminator, the sequel was as good as the original, and
this week the T2 model returned in triumph to to terminate the Tigers and
nearly, just nearly, terminate Terry Wallace. Unfortunately for lovers of
football drama, Terry Wallace's Judgement Day will have to wait.
Tredrea:
T2 - Judgement Day
Cult
Figure of the Week: Lou Richards - If the football world was left
scratching its head by the non-sacking of Terry Wallace this week, there was
even more cause for bewilderment at the snubbing of Lou Richards for Legend
Status in the AFL Hall of Fame. After all, if they can put Ross
Oakley in the Hall of Fame for his off-field 'achievements' then surely
Lou Richards justifies Legend status for all he has done off the field.
Not
surprisingly, the Louey snub created nationwide indignation, with both the
Premier and Prime Minister supporting
Football
Invective.com’s call for Lou to be granted legend status.
Lou
was the voice of football for decades, who inspired generations of fans (not
least of which was a young Football Invective.com) with his dulcet
commentary tones and incomparable on-air charisma (not to mention his cameo
appearances with Jack Dyer and Bob Davis in ‘The Club’ and ‘The Great
McCarthy’). He was the face and voice of Channel 7 back in the days where
it was a respected football broadcaster. In fact, Football Invective.com has
previously
argued that the start of Channel 7’s demise as a credible football
media outlet can be traced directly back to its decision to abolish ‘World
of Sport’ and colbert Louey in 1987.
The
nay-sayers argue that despite his legendary influence on the greatest game
in the world he somehow doesn’t qualify because he wasn’t in the
Collingwood team of the century. But surely his place in the Football
Invective.com commentary
team of the century is sufficient.
This
week Lou’s family announced that he had turned
down an offer of a ‘lifetime achievement award’ instead.
On behalf of a grateful
football world, Football Invective.com hereby offers Lou and the Richards
family the first induction as an Official Legend in the Football
Invective.com Hall of Fame. Why get upset about not being an
officially-sanctioned AFL legend when you can receive the only award in
football that is even more prestigious?
Louey:
Dead set Legend
Clanger
of the Week: So many clangers to choose from, but as the Highlander
said, there can be only one. Could it be Mitch Morton, who tried to be the
hero by taking a runnign shot at goal with a minute left and the Tiges up by
3 points, only to spray it out on the full and turnover possession? Could it
be the three Richmond players who left their men in order to try 'block'
Treadrea... from 25 metres in front of him, only to have Port end up with
more loose men than the Sydney mardi gras at the final, crucial stoppage,
enabling Ebert to bomb a 50 metre Hail Mary pass into the hands of a not
suprisingly incredulous Treadrea, who duly put through the winner?
But
whilst these incidents indirectly cost their team the game, clanger of the
week this week goes to a bloke who directly cost his team the game. Eric
MacKenzie misdirected a straightforward kick out to the un-contested Kieran
Jack, only for Jack to slam through the winning goal. Apparently Jack, the
former rugby player, was worried that his kicking would not be up to AFL
standard. If MacKenzie's kicking is anything to go by, he's got nothing to
worry about.
