To
paraphrase Winston Churchill, never
before in the field of football endeavour have so many Richmond fans had such inflated expectations. Never before have
they been so quickly shattered.
The
build-up was perfect. The arrival of a new (non prodigal) favourite son who
despite struggling with his own issues of personal redemption was thought to
have no trouble shouldering the slight added burden of single-handedly
bringing about the redemption of the Tiger Army after 29 years of pain.
Record membership and a bold prediction of premiership glory by Kevin Sheedy
has Richmond fans drooling before the big game.
87,000
expectant wannabes turned up to see the Judd v Cousins match-up, including
even West
Australians in Eagles jumpers who flew over from Perth to see their two
former heroes square off (let it go guys, they're gone!), whilst
rumours were circulating that several of Cousins' former
mates from the Perth bikie community came over to see their boy
return, after a stop-over at Sydney airport the previous weekend.
Football
Invective.com was there at the season opener, and saw what Sigmund Freud
labelled The Six Phases of
Tiger Emotion as the night unfolded:
Pre-game:
Phase 1: Deluded Optimism
As
the team runs out the Tiger army belted out their song and
"Yellow and Black!" with more gusto than has been seen in years:
Times
are good, and the fans are feeling good.
First Quarter: Phase 2:
Defiance
Richo has the first shot at goal that threatens to send the frothing,
expectant army into meltdown, put it hits the post. As the ball ricochets
off the timber, this triggers the mood shift to Phase 2.
Carlton's
first four goals come from Richmond clangers in defence. Eddie Betts gleefully accepts a Tiger gift and
risks inciting a homicide as he graciously acknowledges the Richmond
supporters behind the goals. But Richmond fans are not (yet) disheartened.
The essence of self-delusion is a refusal to confront a clear reality. At
quarter time their boys might be down, but it's just a temporary aberration
on Sheedy's path to premiership glory.
Second Quarter: Phase 3:
They turn
Whilst
Tiger fans are known for their delusions, they are even more renowned for
their impatience, and halfway through the second quarter their patience runs
out. Cousins delivers a superb low-trajectory
pass which finds two Tiger forwards on their own, only for them to both fly
for the mark and spoil each other. Even Cousins himself seriously considers
turning, or at the very least, doing a Richo. Richo drops back into defence
to cover others' deficiencies, which he accepts with his usual uncritical
good grace. The writing is on the wall in
1,000 point font when Tony Shaw and Rex Hunt condemn the Tiges on 3AW:
Rex: "It's the Tigers' biggest
problem is their disposal - that's really letting them down tonight."
Shaw: "Well, it's a problem
they've had for the last decade isn't it."
If
a week is a long time in politics, 60 minutes is an even longer time for
Richmond emotions. From the heights of optimism to the depths of despair in
two quarters. They've turned.
Third Quarter: Phase 4:
Anger sets in
Simon Wiggins takes off like a Saturn V
rocket to take his third mark of the day. Chris Judd and his new
Mini-Me, Marc Murphy run amok. In the first game of Year 5 of Terry Wallace's
Soviet-style Five Year Plan, the Plan is now looking about as successful as
Mao's Great Leap Forward. Richo gets the ball 60 metres out, plays on and
kicks long in an attempt to kick a team lifting goal. As the ball sails
forth he runs back to the middle of the ground punching the air in triumph,
only to be pulled up 20 metres later to be told that, once again, it has hit
the post. The Most Passionate Fans in the League can take no more, and by
3/4 time over half the fans in the Richmond members section had gone, including
even Tom Hafey.
Fourth Quarter: Phase 5:
In shock
In
a night full of shocking turn ups, the final twist in the saga is the
biggest turn-up of all for neutral observers, as Richmond fans give the
football world something they have never given before - Silence. Absolute
silence.
As
Cousins limps off at the 8 minute mark, those Tiger fans left in the crowd
cannot even find the words to criticise the medical staff who kept him on
(the new favourite son himself is, of course, beyond criticism). Though at
least Cousins can take heart that his
mate Angelo Venditti was cleared
of murder this week, as subsequently reported:
Mr
Venditti asked that his privacy and that of his friends and family now be
respected.
Mr
Venditti asked that his privacy and that of his friends and family now be
respected.
"Including
my good friend Ben Cousins who was exposed to smear and innuendo that was
both untrue and unfair," he said.
"He
should be allowed to continue with his rehabilitation off the field and his
brilliance on it."
The
Cousins camp has a win in Round
1 after all
Post-match:
Phase 6: Retribution
Whilst
the game and Sheedy's premiership hopes may be over, this final phase is
just beginning. Signor Venditti will be feeling thankful that the 'smear and
innuendo' and general public shaming that goes with being an accused
murderer will be nothing compared to the likely fate of the Richmond
coaching staff at the hands of the angry Tiger mob.
Tiger
fans spend the following days doing what only Tiger fans can, as the pressure
starts to mount at Tigerland. First
in the firing line will surely be the club doctor who treated Cousins for a
hammy strain at 3/4 time and then sent him back on. Stalin vanquishing his failed generals to
the Gulag in 1941 will look like a counselling session compared to what
awaits this poor bloke when the Tiger Army gets hold him. As if smelling the
appetite for blood, Cousins came out in public and vainly pleads for Tiger fans "not
to blame Richmond medicos".
Then
comes the inevitable spleen-venting from Tiger fans clogging talkback radio
lines and even the letters page of the Herald Sun:
But
the ultimate objective of the chastened Tiger Army is not public
disparagement of their team in the media, but the only alternative they know
- regime change at the top. Only a complete purge of the unbelievers who
have tolerated 4.1 seasons of Wallace-led mediocrity will do. The situation
mirrors that of the Taliban seizing power in 1996 - a feral, rabid army of
true believers is on the march, and those currently in power know that there
is no chance of getting out alive.
Like
the Taliban, the most committed Richmond supporters - let's call them the
Tigerban - are a fiercely tribal,
fiercely warlike people, for whom there is only One True Faith. But their
scorn for the Infidels who do not share the One True Faith is matched only
by their intolerance of other Tiger fans who do not share their own fanatical,
fundamentalist approach to the Faith.
Like
the Taliban, they rejoice in battle and abhor peace. Unlike
other cultures, when the battle is over they do not turn their swords into
ploughs. Instead, they just wait for the opportunity to stick their swords
into Plow.
Now
that the post-Round 1 jihad has been declared by the Tigerban, Terry
Wallace is in grave danger of becoming the Dr Mohammad Najibullah of Punt
Road. For those unfamiliar with the history of Afghanistan, Dr
Najibullah's Wikipedia
entry tells how he was the country's last president to the
takeover by the one-eyed fanatical army of the Taliban in 1996. The final
paragraph on Wikipedia says it all, and serves as an ominous warning to
Terry Wallace:
"His blood soaked body was hung
in public from a traffic light post. His secretary and bodyguards were
hanged the following day.A high ranking member of the
Taliban militia, Mullah Mohammad
Rabbani, said Najibullah deserved his fate. "He killed so many
Islamic people and was against Islam and his crimes were so obvious that
it had to happen. And he was a communist", Rabbani said."
The
hanging of Dr Najibullah and his brother
by
the Taliban in Kabul in 1996
In
the case of Terry Wallace, expect fanatical Tigerban adherents to give him a
similar send-off message:
"He
killed so much deluded Tiger hype and was against Richmond and his crimes were
so obvious that it had to happen. And he was a Hawthorn
player."
"There
is only one God, and only one Prophet. Sheedy is God! Cousins is the
Prophet!"
Some
may have seen reports this week that police
are currently cracking down on bikie gangs to restore order to the streets and
airports of Australia. But they will not dare try to stop the Tigerban when
it is on the march.
After all, bikies can be deterred. You cannot deter jihadists.
This
year Carlton's motto is "They know we're coming". For the
Tigerban, their motto is now "Terry Wallace knows we're
coming". And before the seasons is out, they will have arrived.
And
in other less colourful matches this week
Hawthorn
and Geelong met in the Grand Final re-match. Like
a scared kid returning to Freddy Kreuger's house, Cam Mooney returned to the
scene of his worst goal-kicking nightmare and showed he still has the yips.
Though it's hard to line up for goal and kick accurately with a Stewy
Dew-sized monkey on one's back.
The
best move of the game was Max Rooke onto Luke Hodge - a genius move which
gave Geelong the perfect avenue to goal, and shut down the Hawks' key playmaker.
What a pity it was only 6 months too late. This move once again exposes the
pure folly of leaving Mathew Stokes on Hodge during the GF. If Stokes was in
'Star Wars' he would be an Ewok - plenty of fight in the little bloke but he just
gives away too much height and class to a larger opponent. Hodge, on the
other hand is a football equivalent of Boba Fett - a highly resourceful and cunning
opponent who, as Tom Lonergan's chin discovered, has no qualms about
resorting to questionable tactics to get the job done.
Over
in Adelaide, the place was gripped by the biggest controversy to hit the
city since Melbourne pinched the grand prix - AAMI
stadium finally allowing beer in the outer. Whilst Crows supporters contemplate boycotting
Footy Park in protest against beer being drunk in seats, Port fans
welcomed the opportunity to drink at a place other than under a tree in
their local park.
It
was a glorious day for Port razzle dazzle, led by Daniel
Motlop, who inspired another classic Commetti-ism from the great
commentator: "I think his gameplan is
that if he doesn't know what he's going to do then there's no way his
opponent will ever figure him out either."
At
the other end, Matty Lloyd was held goal-less and must be wondering whether
he should have followed James Hird's example and now be spending more time
with his family and fending off comeback rumours from Rohan Connolly.
The
Gold Coast Sustainables
In
news that was greeted with the predictable enthusiasm we have come to expect
for AFL teams on the Gold
Coast, the AFLgranted a conditional licence
to the Gold Coast to field a team. Comrade Demetriou declares that the AFL will contribute $60 million
towards the team, barely one minute before he claims that:
"The
Gold Coast has proven its ability to support and sustain an AFL team in this
region,"
Interesting
logic from the Comdrade - a 'sustainable' team needs a handout of only $60 million to 'sustain' it.
By this measure Melbourne and North Melbourne are currently running budget
surpluses of $59 million. $60
million can buy a lot of football happiness, and Melbourne clubs must surely
be thinking that $60 million could buy a lot of compensation for real clubs
with genuine (but perhaps not 'sustainable') suffering from
dud stadium deals.
But
it's not all doom-and-gloom and perhaps the new team will be able to provide
the football world with some entertainment after all. As soon as its licence
was announced the fledgling club declared its intention to fill the void
left by the demise of Richmond's over-inflated expectations by creating some
of its own. With a Sheedy-esque level of premiership predicting boldness the
new franchise announced a highly ambitious plan to
win a premiership in 2014. Guy McKenna and a bunch of giggling
adolescents in oversized basketball singlets were on hand to hear this
prediction, and Football Invective.com's eagle-eyed photographer was there
to capture their response:
McKenna
responded with a shocked and angry 'WTF?' look on his face, whilst the
adolescents were less tactful and simply could not restrain their
laughter.
Western Sydney, meanwhile, is aiming to win its
first flag in 2015. This is an even bolder objective for this franchise, given that it doesn't expect to sign up its first member until at
least 2016.
Hero
of the Week: Eddie Betts: Five goals for the little bloke to
comprehensively smash the big, grand, yet oh-so-fragile edifice that was
Richmond hope. Magnificent post-goal lairising after each one only rubbed it
in even more:
Cult
Figure of the Week: Alipate
Carlile, Port fullback who is the early leader in the annual AFL award for
the player
with a name most like a Jane Austen character. Totally dominated Matty Lloyd
and then outscored him by when he ventured forward to kick a goal whilst Lloyd was busy
collecting grass samples.
Clanger
of the Week: Matthew Lloyd - Not a single shot at goal, and not even a
chance to throw his grass samples in the air. Lloyd right now resembles a failed dot-com
company - the biggest thing in town in the late '90s and 2000, but now a
shadow of its former self, that will never relive those heady days.
