Pre-season Invective

 

 

Football Invective.com is back in 2008, bigger and better than ever: More hard-hitting than a Rhys-Jones knuckle sandwich; More shameless than a Wayne Carey house party; More controversial than Harbhajan Singh at a Black Consciousness meeting.

 

As has become the custom in the pre-season, Footballinvective.com’s first edition is dedicated to the big off-the-field issues that have captivated the football world in the  off season. And right now no issue is bigger than the alleged ‘plan’ by the AFL Politburo to create new teams in two football backwaters that don’t need them and don’t want them – the most ill-considered plans for expansion since Saddam Hussein decided Kuwait should be the “13th province of Iraq”.

 

 

After two years of selling its soul (and one-third of its home games) to the Gold Coast, the Kangaroos finally saw the light and decided against a permanent move to this football heathen land. The AFL talked big and pretended to offer big bucks to the Roos, but when the deal was closely scrutinised it was about as credible as John Elliott and Wes Lofts writing a Salary Cap Compliance Manual.

 

Consider the details of the re-location proposal offered to the Roos. Comrade Demetriou and the AFL politburo offered the Roos a relocation 'package' with

a) no credible stadium

b) no source of funding to build a credible stadium

c) no government approval to build a credible stadium

 

What sensible business in its right mind would ever accept a deal so full of uncertainty? Perhaps the comrades in the Politburo have been spending too much time on the Gold Coast and have adopted the business practices of the stereotypical Gold Coast white shoe property developer. After all, offering the Roos an undeveloped patch of land whilst making pie-in-the-sky promises to develop it later on had all the hallmarks of a classic Gold Coast property scam. 

 

It was like some white-shoed spiv in the Bjelke-Peterson era offering the ‘deal of a lifetime’ on a hundred acres of undrained swampland on the Gold Coast hinterland, with the promise that his ‘mates’ in the government would take care of it all. All that was missing was Russ Hinze, some brown paper bags and some crooked coppers and this would have been a text-book Gold Coast business swindle.

 

A classic Gold Coast white shoe property deal:

 

Turn this:

 

 

Into this:

(with no money and no planning approval)

 

The narrow majority of the Roos board was right to reject the AFL’s offer to trade in the heritage of the Shinboner Spirit and 25,000 Victorian members for the lifeless, soul-less existence of being funded by 25,000 poker machines at the Southport Sharks Pokie Club (which also allegedly runs a football team on the side).

 

For the past decade the Kangaroos have had the misfortune of being run by boards which have shamelessly tried to sell the club interstate to whatever the latest fashion appears to be (Sydney-Canberra-Gold Coast). Not surprisingly, the people in these ‘development markets’ felt justifiably colberted by the Roos when they then packed their bags and ran off to the next city, though they should hardly be surprised. North’s commitment to each market was about as genuine as some low-rent hooker who promises to ‘love you long time’ so long as the money keeps flowing.

 

Unfortunately for the Roos, their previous ‘leadership’ led by Graeme Duff (who, like his namesake on The Simpsons must have had the AFL singing to themselves ‘Can’t get enough of that wonderful Duff’) was set to capitulate to this spivvish scam of an offer. Fortunately for all aficionados of the Shinboner Spirit, the Duff regime has been purged, and is now replaced with a regime that is committed to having a fair dinkum crack at making the team viable in Melbourne.

 

But the job will not be easy. James Brayshaw faces his most daunting task since Darren Lehmann challenged him to a drinking contest during their time together in the SA Shield team, but we wish him well. Footballinvective.com has always been a most respectful devotee of the Shinboner Spirit. In 2008 we will once again be defending the noble spirit of all true Shinboners, and mercilessly mocking those meretricious Machiavellians in the Politburo who seek to drive the gutsiest club in Melbourne from its rightful home.

 

Brayshaw – All the way with JB

 

 

Fool's Gold - the Sequel

 

Having been spurned by the Roos, the Politburo in their Docklands Kremlin then convinced themselves that they must proceed to establish a new 17th team from scratch on the Gold Coast. First it was the Comrade saying he wanted a team in 2015, then it was Mike Fitzpatrick saying it would be in 2010. Now, so we are told, it will happen in 2011.

 

But whilst the dates for the start-up of this new 'franchise' (let's face it, it's not worthy of the title of 'club') are rubbery, so too are the figures surrounding how it will be financed (and who will actually support it). However, this should not be surprising, as it is merely in keeping with the traditional business practices of the Gold Coast region, and the traditional approach to running AFL teams on the Gold Coast - does anyone remember the Brisbane Bears??

 

When it comes to business deals (and footy teams) the Gold Coast has always been a sunny place for shady people. This new franchise looks like being no different.

 

The Gold Coast Hall of Shame - Previous Gold Coast spivs who attempted to run an AFL team:

 

Skase – FAILED

 

Pelerman – FAILED

 

Cronin – FAILED

Comrade Demetriou -DOOMED TO FAIL

 

The debacle of the Brisbane Bears circa 1987-92 was a veritable blight on the game, and something that we thought had been confined to a distant era. Surely no football administrators could be foolish enough to attempt something so half-baked once more?

 

Well, think again.

 

Comrade Dimetriou and the Politburo now seem intent on following in the illustrious footsteps of Christopher Skase, Ruben Pelerman et al by flushing money down the drain on a hopelessly untenable Gold Coast franchise.

 

The AFL and the lesser football media have continued to talk up the possible involvement of the Southport Sharks in the venture. This led Footballinvective.com to actually visit the Sharks web site to investigate the veracity of the lesser football media's repeated claims about its allegedly huge membership and its supposed ability to bankroll an AFL team. For anyone who’s interested, you too can visit the Sharks at their web site: www.southportsharks.com.au

 

Whilst you are there, you can even  apply to become a member of the Sharks by downloading the following membership application.

http://www.southportsharks.com.au/becomeAMember.asp

 

According to the application form, membership of this ‘football club’ costs a mere $5. And, according to the application form, your $5 gets you the following:

• “Frenzy Foodcourt”

• “Two aquariums”

• “Olive Cocktail Bar”

• “Wobbygong Kids Funzone”

• “Two Gaming Rooms”

• “State’s Number 1 Keno Venue”

Whilst this tantalising array of membership benefits may appeal to velour tracksuit-wearing pokie players and expat Victorian kids with a nostalgic love of ‘Wobbies World’, Footballinvective.com does not believe it is sufficient to sustain a viable AFL team. Do we really expect the thousands of Southport Sharks 'members' who pay their 5 bucks to gain access to “the state’s number 1 Keno venue” will be lining up every week to buy tickets to see the new Aussie Rules team in town?

 

But, most revealingly, Footballinvective.com searched in vain on the 4 page membership brochure for any reference to actual football matches, or for that matter, the word “football” itself. Not surprisingly, neither were to be found. If only the lesser football media could be this inquisitive (and do the 5 minutes of research that it requires) then perhaps they would not be so quick to believe that a glorified pokie barn is a worthy holder of a 17^th AFL licence.

 

 

Fool's Gold Part 3 - Western Sydney

 

 

Not content to talk up the prospects of merely one unviable tin-pot footy team, the Politburo Chairman Mike Fitzpatrick last month announced that he actually wants to set up another one, this time in Western Sydney in 2012. This announcement took some people a bit by surprise. Apparently Fitzy forgot to tell the Swans, and judging from the shambolic efforts of the Commission ever since, it looks like he forgot to tell half of them as well.

 

The AFL has been more than a little confused about the details of this 'bold vision' (as Caroline Wilson described it). For starters, it did not even know where the team's home ground would be. First, Mike Fitzpatrick said it would play at the Olympic Stadium at Homebush, in which case an average AFL game at that venue would have resembled an average NRL game – ie. 75,000 empty seats. Two weeks later, Comrade Demetriou said it would instead play at a ‘boutique' ground in Blacktown:

"THE AFL is developing a low-cost, no-frills model for its new teams in south-east Queensland and western Sydney

 

"AFL chief executive Andrew Demetriou confirmed a Virgin-style football team was on the league's agenda...

 

"If you can recreate a York Park-type of stadium in the western suburbs so most of the games were played at a suitably sized stadium, this is much more viable then we thought in the past."

In other words, the Comrade reckons this new team will be so popular that it needs to only play at a ground smaller than a SANFL ground, and is likely to have a supporter base smaller than an average SANFL club (and with only 1% of the passion).

 

What Demetriou considers a 'Virgin-style' club sounds more like an Ansett-style club in terms of its ultimate fate.

 

Blacktown - 'Boutique' (ie. tin-pot) ground

 

For anyone who has ever visited Blacktown (such as Footballinvective.com) they might also question why the AFL has decided on this particular suburb as the home of its new team.

 

The AFL claims that Blacktown is 'centally-located' in Sydney's west, but Blacktown is ‘centrally located’ in the same way that Waverley was once touted as the ‘demographic centre’ of Melbourne. And if you thought Waverley was hard to get to, just try getting to Blacktown from anywhere else in Sydney (BTW: bonus points if you can get out of there with all the wheels still attached you your car).

 

The Politburo also chose Blacktown because it has no local NRL team. This makes about as much sense as the NRL choosing to establish a second Melbourne team at ‘centrally located’ Waverley because the AFL no longer plays there. As any Melburnian outside the walls of the Docklands Kremlin would appreciate, The NRL would have about as much chance of converting local families in Mulgrave with 5 generations of Aussie Rules loyalty as the AFL is going to have converting 5 generations worth of rugby league supporters in Western Sydney.

 

Last week the AFL invited the mayor of Blacktown to the Docklands Kremlin to wine and dine him and get him to say he supports it. Well of course he would. Which local mayor would not gleefully embrace an offer from a cashed-up multi-billion dollar enterprise to throw buckets of free money at his local area and give himself the chance to big-note himself on the national sporting stage? This bloke is now being touted by a brown-nosing Caroline Wilson as "the greatest cheerleader for the AFL's still tiny footprint in Sydney's west", which just goes to show that the AFL's publicity stunt had its desired effect -  ie. pulling the wool over the eyes of the lesser football media.

 

If the NRL suddenly started spruiking its ‘strategic expansion’ to Waverley its credibility would not be enhanced one bit if it trotted out the mayor of the City of Greater Dandenong to endorse the venture. By the same token, the support of the mayor of Blacktown hardly constitutes a break-through in establishing a support base for the Aussie Rules deep in the heart of enemy territory.

 

Footballinvective.com was skeptical enough when the AFL could only find one potential supporter of its Western Sydney team. This scepticism was magnified even more when Fitzpatrick confirmed that the Politburo does not even believe this team will encourage more local kids to even play the game:

On the possibility of AFL luring western Sydney juniors away from league, Fitzgerald said... "I don't think it'll make too much of a difference, to be honest."

Unlike Fitzpatrick, you don’t have to be a Rhodes Scholar to see that if a new team is not even going to actually increase the number of kids playing footy (let alone produce anyone who plays in the AFL) then it's simply not worth bothering with.

 

In a further attempt to boost the viability of this tin-pot franchise, the AFL has also appointed a Mr Dale Holmes to "develop" the Western Sydney "market". Yet even Holmes' realises that a team will not be viable:

"His grand ambition is that in 25 years, 1% of western Sydney's two million or so people will buy annual memberships for the new team."

Footballinvective.com is no mathematical genius, but according to our calculations, 1% of 2 million is 20,000.

 

In any other city, 20,000 members is well below what is considered the viability threshold for a club. If a Melbourne team had that few members it would surely be put on death row or urged to re-locate by the AFL on the grounds that 'the market can't support it'. Yet this bloke Holmes reckons (in his best-case scenario) that it will take until 2037 (25 years after it enters the AFL) for his tin-pot team to build up a supporter base that is well below what is considered the football poverty line in 2008.

 

Footballinvective.com does not know much about this bloke Holmes. He is described as "having worked in the financial-services industry for 15 years." Did he sell sub-prime home loans perhaps? Now he wants to set up a sub-prime footy team.

 

 

So where’s the money coming from?

 

Given that the AFL clearly thinks that there will not be enough members or supporters to make its two "no frills" club viable, it is now promising to subsidise the two franchises itself, with figures of $100 million being cited for the Gold Coast team alone. 

 

The Politburo believes an 'investment' such as this will increase revenue from TV rights, but no sooner was this claim made than it was shot down in flames by none other than Channel 7 boss Ian Johnson:

"Eighteen teams, nine games is not going to give them any more broadcast money, purely and simply because of where the teams are going to be located" 

 

"I cannot see how the introduction of two teams, one based on the Gold Coast and one in western Sydney, would be a product that the current broadcasters would believe would necessitate paying more money for the rights."

Johnson has been previously pilloried as a bit of a boofhead on Footballinvective.com, but we don't question his judgement when it comes to the value of TV programming. After all, he should know, given that his TV station does not even consider it viable to even show live Friday night AFL games in the Gold Coast or Sydney, given how low the ratings would be.

 

Since the AFL's 'investment' is not going to generate any return in terms of TV money, it would seem that it will simply be flushed down the drain. Unfortunately, due its pile of cold hard cash from its TV deal, the AFL now has more money than it knows what to do with - too much money for its own good. Leaving a spare $100 million in the hands of the Politburo is like leaving a spare stash of white powder in the hands of Wayne Carey right now – a recipe for temptation, misjudgment and, ultimately, disaster.

Now $100 million is an awful lot of money, which can buy a lot of happiness for a football league, both on and off the field. Which has prompted Footballinvective.com to ask whether there are other things that this amount of money could be better spent on. Accordingly, Footballinvective.com hereby presents its:

 

Top 10 things the AFL could spend $100 million on instead of two tin-pot teams:

 

10. Generous redundancy packages for the entire Channel 7 football telecast team (with Dennis Commetti spared the axe).

9. Buy back Waverley. However, given the increase in Melbourne property prices since it was sold, $100 million might only buy back about half of the vacant blocks that still remain. Perhaps the AFL and Hawthorn could use this land to make money by employing Trent “The Property Developer” Croad to run Henry Kaye-style seminars and flog off the land at highly inflated prices to unsuspecting punters.

8. Give the $100 million back to the television networks from whence it came. The networks could then use the money to build an extravagant new house for a new series of ‘Celebrity Big Brother’, which is likely to be a higher quality, higher rating and much more credible production from the Gold Coast than a tin-pot footy team.

7. Spend $100 on bribes to corrupt Indonesian officials to secure the release of Shappelle Corby so she can finally return home. Gold Coast locals are more likely to welcome the return of their beloved Shappelle than they will welcome the arrival of a tin-pot footy team

6. Put $100 million towards a real football team with real football supporters in a real football city. $100 million to Keep North at North. With this amount of money they could make the appropriate renovations to Arden Street and Bring Back Blighty, as first recommend by Footballinvective.com in its 10 Point Plan to revive North Melbourne back in 2005.

5. Spend the money on a long-term project to de-merge the Brisbane Lions and revive Fitzroy. The mighty Roy Boys could play at the 'boutique' Brunswick Street Oval, and with $100 million in handouts will surely be more competitive (and attract more supporters) than either of the new franchises.

4. Spend $100 million to establish a cricket team in the ‘Indian Premier League’ and use the money in the player action to buy back Andrew Symonds. This team could then put on exhibition matches at Carrara during the cricket season, which are sure to draw a bigger crowd than a tin-pot footy team. And Symonds’ magnificent shirtfront technique surely belongs on a footy field anyway:

 

3. Establish a free Dental Super Clinic in the Max Basheer Reserve to operate during Port Adelaide home games at Footy Park. Just the thing to get passionate Port fans back through the gates.

2. Contribute $100 million to the new footy stadium in Perth, to construct an on-site ‘Odyssey House’ facility for Eagles players – it will save them millions on expensive charter flights all the way to the US.

1. Spend $100 million on a new wardrobe for Nathan Buckley’s wife, so she’ll finally have something decent to wear to the Brownlow:

 

Footballinvective.com hopes that the AFL would have the guts and the vision to spend $100 million on the good of the game rather than p*ssing it up against a wall on tin-pot footy teams. Unfortunately, however, like Brendan Fevola in Greville Street, the Commission has its dacks down and is taking aim.

 

It’s Bad for Football. In fact, it’s even worse than that. As Sam Kekovich would say, it’s downright Un-Australian

 

In 2008 the football world is living under an AFL regime that is leading us down the wrong path – a path that will lead to despair and humiliation in the non-football badlands. 

 

In 2008 the fearless freedom fighters at Footballinvective.com will once again be the voice of real footy fans who don’t want to see the great game selling its soul to places where it’s not wanted and which aren’t worthy anyway. Whilst the lesser football media swallows the Politburo's spin about 'strategic markets' and 'no frills teams', Footballinvective.com will once again be uncompromising, incorrigible and indomitable in defending the true interests of our great game – the Greatest Game in the World.

 

Let The War Begin.