It
was the week for making hay as Big Bad Barry lashed out
at Brent “Miss” Staker. As soon as Staker hit the deck, commentators were
labelling it the
best hit in 20 years. It was up there with Alistair Clarkson’s immortal
haymaker in the ‘Battle of Britain’ in ’87, or Dennis Banks belting
Rhys-Jones a year earlier. Even know-all Americans were throwing in their
two cents worth in relation to the incident:
The
lesser football media was even enlisting medical experts to warn that Hall's punch could
have killed:
Neurosurgeon Professor
Andrew Kaye said punches like Hall's could cause brain injury, and in rare
cases, death.
"People do die from
those sorts of injuries, particularly when they are unprotected and
unprepared," Prof Kaye said.
But if Barry’s fists of
fury conjured up nostalgic memories of old-style footy in years gone by,
one vital ingredient of old-style biffo was missing, namely the equally
brazen square-up.
After Staker copped the biggest illegitimate hit since
Milli Vanilli, only one Eagles player (Adam Hunter) was game enough to
take it up to Barry for some token flag-flying. His resistance lasted a split second before Barry put
him too on his back without even trying.
In fairness to Hunter, most
red-blooded males would not want to go one on one with Barry, least of all
Football Invective.com, but he should have had back-up. Half his team should
have been fired up with indignation and been in there flying the flag.
Nothing less than a melee, with Barry on the bottom, is sufficient. As our
rotund Kent Brockman wannabe on ESPN so eloquently put it:
"I
mean c'mon, you gotta have give guys in there jumping on that monster and
taking him down - that's just the rules of the game!"
Eagles players were
probably too busy worrying whether their fake tan was on straight, or
worried that their dealer had the latest gear, whilst Daniel
Kerr could muster none of the aggression that he’s able to find when it
comes to square-ups with unsuspecting Perth taxi-drivers and nightclub
patrons.
This week Leigh Matthews recalled
the day Neville Bruns ran into his fist and said as soon as he made
contact he knew that “They’d be coming”. And, of course, they duly
came, leaving Lethal’s nose 200% wider than before.
But they didn’t come
this week.
John Worsfold must have
been cut to the core that a team under his command could not square-up. The
pharmacist must have been wishing he could assume the role
of captain-coach for one quarter, run out on to the ground, bring those
famous elbows of his out of retirement, and then slip back into the
coach’s box with retributive justice having been done.
Unfortunately, there was
only a crowd of 44,000 in Sydney’s west to witness Big Bad’s hay-maker.
This was 18,000 less than the average crowd at Homebush last year. It’s a
fair bet that the missing 18,000 people from Western Sydney weren’t
showing up to the game because they were waiting to have their very own team
to support in the AFL.
The
G Train's last voyage
Football
Invective.com has long been the biggest fan of Geelong's Matthew Scarlett, who, admittedly,
removes the trousers of nearly every key forward in the competition. But
this week he didn't only halt the G-Train, he ran off him to the tune
of 24 disposals.
Just like Polly Farmer
won a flag for the Cats and revolutionized the game by introducing the concept of the mobile ruckman,
Scarlett, a hero of Geelong’s last (and next) flag, has revolutionized backline play
by introducing the ‘running quarterback’ role to Aussie Rules.
Whilst
conventional wisdom would have it that only gun forwards can destroy careers
of hapless opponents (think Darren Jarman and Jamie Shanahan) Scarlett has
reversed this age-old axiom by seemingly condemning the G-Train to the end
of the proverbial line.
After
a Plugger-esque comeback, the G-Train has been
dropped from the team and is now but a rusty old shadow
of his former self. The former well-oiled machine now awaits the oxy torch
to be turned into a million razor blades:
G-Train
- headed for the scrapyard
The
latest innovation in football technology, the so-called 'heat map' is now
being used as a coaching and commentary tool in the AFL.
Footballinvective.com has produced its own 'heat map' analysis of the
Geelong-St Kilda match, which revealed the following:
Nick Riewoldt:
Justin Koschitzke:
Fraser Gehrig on Matthew
Scarlett:
But wait, there's more: Footballinvective.com has
also acquired technical read-outs of other players' heat maps:
Matthew Lloyd:
Ben Cousins:
Brendon Fevola:
Sydney Swans:
Simon Goodwin:
Tassie try-hards
Paul Lennon came to town
to pitch the idea of a Tasmanian team. Not surprisingly, he was immediately
snubbed by an AFL Commission fixated on is northern fool's gold. Given that
the AFL is likely to need government funding to pay for its tin-pot teams
and the Queensland
government has already told it to sod-off, it could do worse than consider
the offer from the Tasmanian premier waving his blank cheques promising half
the GDP of Tasmania for the side (which might just cover 90% of the salary
cap).
Paul Lennon simulates
the size of a Tasmanian team’s average crowd at Telstra Dome
But true to formComrade Demetriou snubbed
the proud passionate state of Tasmania and its proud passionate history
of support for the greatest game in the world. Comrade Demetriou told us
that:
"It
probably all relates to economics, when it is all said and done, related to
population, related to revenue, related to broadcast rights"
Well,
he’s
wrong on all three counts:
Population
– Hasn’t he bothered looking that the population DOESN’T FOLLOW
FOOTBALL
Revenue
– He himself admits that even one of the new tin-pot teams (let alone both
of them) won’t generate enough revenue to be viable and will have to be
propped up with $100 million of AFL money. Talk about a drain on revenue
Broadcast
rights – Even Channel 7 doesn’t think 2 tin-pot teams will add anything
to the broadcast rights. Just remember that Channel 7 doesn’t even show
football live on Friday nights in the Gold Coast and Sydney (though it most
certainly does in Tassie).
The Comrade went on to
contend that:
"It is related to a series of measurements economically and
demographically that point us to South-East Queensland and western Sydney as
our two key priorities at this point in time."
Whilst
others see football clubs in terms of passion and support, the cold, heartless Demetriou
thinks only in terms of “a series of measurements economically and
demographically”.
Football
Invective.com has never seen a “series of measurements” fill a footy
ground. They are filled by Passionate People. Yet the Comrade still
continues to claim that:
“on
all measurements and all our research and the work we have done over a
considerable amount of time, we happen to think that the Gold Coast and
western Sydney offers us the greatest opportunities going forward."
Do
any of these “measurements” actually include measuring whether people
will even support the team? So far the AFL has been able to produce only 1
prospective supporter for its Western Sydney team (the Mayor of Blacktown,
who sort of has a bit of a vested interest anyway), whilst a “Free
Chappelle” rally on the Gold Coast would attract more locals than any AFL
games there have in recent years.
Enough
of the jargon-talking technocrats like the Comrade - let's concentrate on real
teams, supported by real people in real footy states.
Hero of the Week:
Brendan Fevola: two weeks off the piss was all it took for Fev to regain
his touch and lead the Blues to victory. Now all he needs to do is teach the
rest of his team the club song.
Cult Figure of the
Week: Matthew Scarlett - de-railed the G-Train and was the best
midfielder on the ground for the Cats. He has now transcended the realm of a
mere sportsman to ascend to the realm of artist.
Clanger of the Week
(x2)
1. Big Bad Barry. Impossible
to overlook Baz for this week’s nomination.
2. The entire West Coast team –
You call that a square-up?
