Round
3, 2008
The
Greatest State in the World!
This weekend was one of the biggest-ever for the great
state of South Australia, as events both on and off the field showcased the
best and worst that SA has to offer.
First, let’s start with the Worst:
A vicious armed
hold up on the Gepps Cross Hotel in Adelaide’s northern suburbs.
Police said the bandits wore (surprise, surprise) flannel shirts and that
their getaway car was (surprise surprise) a late model Commodore with ROH
mag wheels. This was actually a stroke of genius by the robbers, as it means
they will blend in easily with 50,000 other males matching the same
description in Northern Adelaide. However, they should consider themselves
lucky that Wayne Carey’s dad (prominent Gepps Cross resident) wasn’t drinking at the bar when they came
in:
Second, the Even Worse:
South
Australia's second city, Mount Gambier put itself on the map with the announcement of its dad/daughter,
father/mother incest baby. They really do like to keep it in the family down
in the South East:
If they ever turn up to a game at Footy Park, let's hope
they
don't
get let in on a family ticket. According to media reports, police are said to be
‘monitoring’ the convicted couple to ensure they don’t
re-offend. The use of the word ‘monitoring’ begs the question of exactly
what 'monitoring' entails.
Footballinvective.com hereby extends its
heartfelt sympathies to those officers entrusted with doing the
'monitoring'. The thought of witnessing them re-offending would be enough to
make any self-respecting police officer wish they were back up the northern
suburbs pulling bodies out of
barrels instead.
Now for the Best:
In contrast to the ugly side of SA on display this weekend,
South Australia's finest – Port Adelaide and the Crows - produced an epic
Showdown that had absolutely everything and once again showed that South
Australia's best is The Best. For those such as Footballinvective.com who
are fortunate enough to have South Australian blood coursing through our
veins, our hearts swelled with pride at this magnificent display of
old-style skill, biffo and courage. As one cocky
columnist at the Adelaide Advertiser put it:
Even
the Victorians are talking up Sunday’s Showdown XXIV as the best match
played in the AFL this year - and for many seasons.
It was a classic Showdown in so many ways – Bassett,
Jericho and Vince were all pole-axed by some vintage wharfie thuggery from
the Port boys, led by Dean Bogan. But against the odds they rose again like
steam from a pie floater and stood as
tall and proud as a stobie
pole.
The
classic pole-axe from the classic bogan in the classic Showdown
The classic Showdown then
had a Letdown finish, as the least thuggish member of the Port army, Justin 'The Hoff' Westhoff had the chance to set up
a last-minute attack in the middle of the ground. But instead, in
characteristically limp-wristed style, the Hoff produced a limp-wristed attempt at a one-handed flick
pass that would have set up the winning goal, but was pinged for throwing the
ball. The siren sounded soon after, leaving Team for All South
Australians victorious and the wharfies in 15th place at 0-3. Having already
endured six months of nightmares and bed-wetting after his thrashing from
Matthew Scarlett on Grand Final day, the Hoff now has one more thing to
torment his tortured soul.
The
Hoff - too pretty for Port
Attacking
Football vanquishes Anti-Football
On Saturday evening Essendon and Carlton staged an
old-fashioned shootout, but it was a bit like a shoot-out between two kamikaze
squadrons – whilst you might admire them for their bravado, its quite
clear that they don't have a defensive side to the their game to speak of. Full
marks to the poster
on BigFooty who described it as the footy equivalent of a Twenty20 game
– high scoring, fun to watch, yet ultimately meaningless in the broader
scheme of things. To extend the metaphor even further, it was like a Twenty20 game between Bangladesh and Zimbabwe – they might be able to put
on an entertaining show when they play each other, but both of them are destined to struggle against credible
opposition when it comes to the real stuff.
For the second week in a row, Mal Michael ‘led’ a
backline that conceded 20 goals-plus. Fevola swore off the grog and in
return Matthew Knights yelled ‘my shout’ and generously put Mal
on him for the whole game - the equivalent of putting down a $1,000 bar tab
for the Blue forward line. Fev really should give up drinking more often.
Matthew Pavlich also showed the value of a big key forward
in the Western Derby, as did the Tomahawk Cruise Missile for Geelong, whilst
the Swans showed how to shut one down, with Plugger Brown silenced.
Round
3 was a vindication of attacking, high scoring football. Freo,
Hawthorn and Essendon all won with high-scoring gameplans with big key
forwards. In a similar vein, the Bulldogs beat the Saints through
fast-running, lairising football. Adam Cooney and Ryan Griffin provided
classic lair flair from the pretty-to-watch yet oh-so-fragile Dogs, who once
again giving the Saints brand of anti-football what it deserved. In contrast
to 8 other sides this week that played attacking footy and won, St Kilda
played anti-football and lost. The pretty boy team off the field are the ugly
ducklings on it.
In
need of Cash.....?
In non-football news this
week, a London correspondent of Footballinvective.com alerted us to an
article in one of the UK tabloids (available
online) which notes that 'unlike most modern tennis stars, Pat Cash
still has to don his famous chequered headband and earn his crust'.
The article then goes on
to state how, for the cost of £250, giddy middle-aged housewives can snap up the
chance of an informal 2 hour session with Cashy, which enticingly also comes
with a souvenir photo and a bottle of wine (no free head bands however).
Footballinvective.com can
just picture the faces of a load of disconsolate menopausal women
leaving with a Kodak Polaroid photo and a cask of Angove chateau cardboard
under their arms after listening to Cashy pontificate about
being a one-time Grand Slam champion (but many time bedroom legend)......and
being £250 lighter for the privilege.
Cashy:
Hard up
Three things come to
mind:
1) surely Pat is not that
hard up for cash??
2) if Cashy is able to
pull a crowd of neurotic middle aged females to help him relive his glory
days, then how long before we see a Deano weekend package??
3) In a similar vein, now
that Wayne Carey is without gainful employment and is about to head off to a
popular holiday destination for middle-aged women keen to score (ie.
Florida),
perhaps we will soon see advertisements for the:
Wayne
Carey Long Weekend Getaway
Surely
this can’t be far off either. With his upcoming trial in Miami, Wayne
“Do you know who I am?” Carey may be in need of some cash.
For
a few hundred dollars, you and a guest (preferably female...) get to bask in
his glow over a long weekend and be entertained with epic stories of his
gladiatorial battles on the sporting field (beers and bourbons not included ...).
At
no extra charge he will put the moves on your girlfriend /wife /sister
/cousin to ensure you get the full “Carey Experience”. If you want
the Platinum Package he will start a domestic on the last night and
arrange for everyone to be pepper sprayed and locked up at Miami Dade County
Jail (Bail not included ...)
The
Getaway also includes the following merchandise:
-
A
copy of Wayne Carey’s yet to be released autobiography – 'What Are
Mates For?'
-
Set
of 6 Easily Breakable Stunt Glasses to smash over your own head, or that
of a loved one
-
“Do
you know who I am?” - T-Shirt
-
WC’s
Pocket Guide to Pulling - with special guest introduction by Shane
Warne on the effective use of text messaging
Hero of the Week – Bernie Vince – pole-axed
but them came back to win the Epic Showdown for the Crows
Cult Figure of the Week – Dean Bogan – Three
classic Showdown shirtfronts showed footy fans what it truly means to be
South Australian (and a bogan):
Clanger of the Week – Baldrick has been visiting the
Docklands Politburo again and this week the AFL announced a cunning plan to covert
the masses in Western Sydney by playing a special post-season exhibition
game. So where will this special exhibition game be played:
- Penrith?
- Parramatta?
- Not even
Blacktown?
No, it will be in
....wait for
it…. India:
THE
AFL will consider playing an exhibition match in India as part of a
strategy to build momentum for the establishment of a club in western
Sydney.
In
an extraordinary instalment in the national code's effort to spread its
gospel, the AFL believes a match in India could capture the attention of a
sizeable west Asian population in Sydney that has not previously been
engaged with the sport.
It
may sound unorthodox, but both NSW/ACT AFL general manager Dale Holmes and
AFL chief broadcasting and commercial boss Gillon McLachlan confirmed that
a game in India was under investigation because of the ripple effect it
could have on the western Sydney project.
Needless to say,
Footballinvective.com was a little sceptical of the merits of this proposal.
The only 'ripple effect'
ever felt from an overseas exhibition match was the ripple that Jim
Buckley's head felt from Alistair Clarkson's classic king-hit in the 'Battle
of Britain'. According to the AFL's Ambassador Baldrick in Western Sydney, Dale Holmes:
"A
game in India could create great government relations, trade relations,
business relationships and enable us to gain significant exposure in
community media in Australia. It gives us a chance to build awareness in
those communities … "
Holmes's
strategy seems to be this: A crappy post-season game in Bombay or Calcutta
is likely to lead to a some coverage in the local press of Sydney's Indian community.
Assuming they even read it, this will then create a 'ripple effect' which will lead to Indian
expats trading in their cricket bats and tearing down their Tendulkar posters in
order to rush off and become supporters of the Western Sydney team.
Perhaps
Baldrick Holmes's next party trick will be to play an exhibition game in
Fiji to convert all those big Pacific islanders in Sydney’s west from
Rugby League. Then how about an exhibition match in Beijing, which is sure to
arouse the interest of Sydney’s Chinese community. And let’s not forget
a game in Ho Chi Minh city to convert every Vietnamese speaker in Cabramatta.
Two
weeks ago
Footballinvective.com roasted the politburo for its 'cunning plans' for the Gold Coast. But it doesn’t get more cunning than
playing exhibition matches in foreign countries as a means of generating
interest in a non-existent tin-pot team 10,000km away.
Clang!
