Round 1, 2008

 

 

Season 2008 is up and running and Footballinvective.com is back. This week we were saddened by the decision of the Victorian Court of Appeal to uphold the ban on the screening of 'Underbelly'. But whilst Victorian audiences will not be able to enjoy the hits and memories of the gangland wars in the 13 weeks of ‘Underbelly’, this footy season they can instead enjoy the only form of entertainment that is even more dramatic, more morbid, and more downright comical – 22 rounds of Football Invective!

 

History in the making at Footy Park

 

The Grand Final re-match at Footy Park was a significant affair, but even it was overshadowed by history in the making in the stands that night. Inveterate Port fan Teal Coloured Glasses was there to partake in a world first:

South Australia prides itself on its history of social reform. The state that pioneered votes for women and marijuana decriminalization has always been at the forefront of social progress. But it was always 100 years behind Victoria in one important respect – the right to drink beer at the footy. Ever since Footy Park began hosting AFL games in 1991, fans who have wanted to enjoy a frothy have been forced to do so furtively out the back of the stands, as whilst it was always legal to buy beer at the ground, it was illegal to actually take it back to your seat and drink it there.

 

Thankfully, this absurd restriction on civil liberties has been done away with, and Footballinvective.com was there to experience the latest milestone in South Australian history. Not even the first woman to case a vote, or the first man to suck on a legal joint in SA would have felt the sense of pride that we did on this auspicious occasion, as we drank the first-ever beer in the Northern Stand:

 

 

Mounting public opinion finally forced the SANFL’s hand in overturning the ludicrous rule and, given the popularity of the ‘Alberton Ambrosia’ (also known as West End Draught) among the Power faithful, crowd figures at Port games are guaranteed to increase by 10-15% per game. However, Footballinvective.com could not figure out the logic behind the new rule which says that every beer consumed in the seats must have a lid on it. Like pie floaters and fritz sandwiches, perhaps this will become another distinctive culinary custom that is unique to the greatest state in the world:

Keeping a lid on it - SA style

174 days, 3 hrs and 15 minutes had elapsed since the final siren mercifully sounded on Grand Final day 2007, heralding the end of the worst massacre on a sporting field since the (non-Brisbane) Lions and (non-Richmond) Tigers used to give a literal meaning to the phrase 'Eat 'em alive Tiges' at the Coliseum. Time enough – one would hope – for the embarrassment of that dark September afternoon to spur a response from the Alberton men in the rematch against the Cats which opened their '08 season. 

 

So after kicking the first two goals of the game, it came as something of a surprise to then concede 7 of the next 9 goals with about as much resistance as Saddam Hussein’s Republican Guard circa 2003. A second half Power resurgence was too little, too late and while it succeeded in reducing the final margin, the fact remains that when the game was there to be won there were too many big names going missing for Chocko’s boys. It was lucky that most in attendance were wearing the beer goggles (and beer lids) by the 4th quarter, or things could have got ugly.

 

Tiger Army Springs a Leak

 

Back in Melbourne, the debut of the Juddernaut brought both Carlton and Richmond fans out of the woodwork, as they salivated at the prospect of beating the only other team in the comp as crappy as their own. 

 

Judd's arrival at Princess Park was undoubtedly the Blues biggest WA import since the debut of Peter Bosustow in 1981. But unlike the debut of Bosustow, which was soon followed by Mark of the Year, Goal of the Year and Premiership glory, Judd showed he is but a mere mortal, with that pesky groin of his once again showing signs of the wear and tear inflicted by 6 seasons at West Coast and 5 seasons with Rebecca. For the first time in his coaching career, Brett Ratten was faced with the unique challenge of actually trying to win a game, and showed he wasn’t up to it. 

 

The passionate Tiger Army, on the other hand, unleashed all of its pent-up emotion, and let fly at the hated foes from Royal Park, with this ‘Tankers are Wankers’ banner being the highlight for Footballinvective.com:

 

 

There’s always been a keen rivalry between Punt Road and Carlton, which some might describe as envy on the part of the yellow-and-black, which has failed to match the achievements of the Blues for the past 25 years (although Richmond's 2 wooden spoons compared to Carlton's 3 during the past 6 years must provide some solace to Tiger fans). This ‘anything you can do, we can do better’ mentality at Tigerland was taken to its logical conclusion on the weekend when even their captain got in on the act. Kane Johnson did his best Brendan Fevola impersonation on the St Kilda Rd police station. Perhaps he was taking it a bit too literally on Thursday night when the feral Tiger Army was imploring him to 'p*ss all over' the boys in blue.

 

 

Libba's bubble bursts

 

In other Carlton-related news, Tony Liberatore colberted his former employers in the Blues football department by publicly accusing them of tanking. He must have mistaken his former colleagues for Paul Kelly’s eye socket, such was the ferocity with which he attacked them in his 'Footy Show' interview. 

 

The Footy Show beat-up the Libba story for all it was worth in the days before, pretending it would be some kind of dramatic revelation, and treated Libba like he'd just found the HMAS Sydney. But when Libba finally opened his mouth and delivered his 'tell-all' scoop, it was a bit of a damp squib. Libba reckons the Blues tanked - well he's hardly Robinson there. So what was his ground-breaking, earth-shattering evidence that would bring the Blues to their knees and create scandal in the AFL?:

"I never heard (a directive to lose), but I could feel it, if that makes sense...''

Er, slightly unconvincing Libba. Either Libba has secretly become a Jedi and was using the Force to 'feel' what people more senior than him at Carlton were thinking, or he is relying on a Dennis Denuto form of evidence - 'It's the vibe of the thing'. In any event, no one was convinced - his attempt at big-noting himself sank as fast as his remaining football credibility and was quickly forgotten within a week. Seven days later a minor story took up two column inches saying the AFL ‘won’t investigate Liberatore tanking claims’. His attempt to be a hero had come to nought.

 

Footballinvective.com always knew that the little man was a colberter at heart, so it was no surprise that he would turn on his former colleagues in this way. Whether he realised it or not, the Footy Show had played him like a grand piano, extracting maximum publicity and ratings for his supposed 'revelations' but then leaving him to do his best Mark Latham impression as he burned every bridge in the football world and rendered himself untrustable and unemployable by any other footy club. Given the number of clubs he has colberted (having recently turned on the Bulldogs as well) he probably has no friends left in the game. In fact, his only mates in football right now would probably be Brian Wilson and Shane Woewodin, who must be grateful that Libba is all that prevents them assuming the title of Most Ordinary Brownlow Medallist in History.

 

Libba - Colberter

 

Dees down in year 150

 

On Easter Sunday, Melbourne copped a 14 goal mauling from the Hawks, with 6 goals worth of Buddy love being the talking point. However, a more important talking point was surely the Hawthorn debut of Stuart Dew, and the amazing physical shape he is now in. The Rage once charitably described him as a “talented Port designated kicker with perennial weight and form issues”. Now that he has traded in the chiko rolls and Farmers Union Iced Coffee that is the staple diet of Port Adelaide for the organic tofu and ginseng extract that is the signature dish at the Waverley Park lifestyle boutique he is looking great:

 

Dew - Fighting Fit

 

Not so great-looking is Melbourne, either on or off the field. Off the field, the Demons sacked their CEO and replaced him with Paul McNamee, who is now doing his best Nick Nolte impersonation:

 

 

 

Last week McNamee announced that his new strategy to revive the club is to capitalise on its silvertail heritage by hitting up the big end of town for cold, hard CASH.

MELBOURNE'S new chief executive Paul McNamee is renowned for innovation and flair but the former tennis champion has no intention of breaking down the Demons' reputation as the competition's most elite and traditional club....

 

Melbourne fans might have to put up with opposition supporters jibes over their Range Rovers and mid-season trips to the snow but McNamee thinks the club can use that to its advantage.

 

"Your weakness can also be your strength," he said. "You have to accept your heartland and obviously our supporters have purchasing power and Melbourne is a pretty elite club, but I don't see that as a weakness."

Footballinvective.com is unsure whether this bold McNamee plan also extends to encouraging the silvertails to actually attend Melbourne games. Perhaps he feels that the sound of rustling cash in Collins Street boardrooms and the Bourke Street ski run at Mt Buller will compensate for the lack of sound emanating from the empty stands at Melbourne games at the MCG.

 

Saints survive swamp

 

St Kilda won this week's game of anti-football, as it managed to escape the flood of the Sydney swamp, and once again showed (as it did throughout 2007) that it can play anti-football as 'well' as any other team. 

 

Nick Riewoldt was in the news this week after allegations of 'tunneling' surrounded him. Football Invective.com had never heard of 'tunneling' until now, and given Riewoldt's involvement, we assumed that tunneling was some new-fangled hairdressing technique relating to dying hair. Riewoldt has been no slouch in this department either, and unveiled an all-new tint for season 2008. Whilst other AFL teams make an annual fashion statement by bringing out a new pre-season guernsey design, Riewoldt brings out a slightly different shade of peroxide. This year he’s gone from strawberry blonde to a lighter shade of designer silver:

 

 

Riewoldt - before and after

 

Riewoldt is not the only Saints player out to make a fashion statement this year. More worrying is the number of his team mates who are following suit. Consider this sample of other players on the Saints list for whom quality time in the hair salon is just as important as quality time on the training track:

 

   

 Clinton Jones,   Dal Santo, David Armitage, Sean Dempster

 

St Kilda has now surely taken over the title previously held by Hawthorn (2000-2006), the Sydney Swans (1986-87), Brisbane Bears (1989-1992) and St Kilda (1975-1985) as the AFL’s Pretty Boy Team. In their post-Grant Thomas quest to become a fair dinkum team, St Kilda have gone back to their roots – and then treated them with peroxide and hair product.  

 

Crows Choke

 

Meanwhile, after another final quarter fade-out, and three Brad Johnson goals in game 300, the Crows have now taken over the South Australian Choker title from Port Adelaide. Once again Neil Craig’s team was in a winning position in a close game but lost when they should have won. This match is merely the latest installment in a long litany of Neil Craig choking:

 

·    Qualifying Final 2005: Last quarter lead at home – Choke

·    NAB Cup Final 2006: Last quarter lead at home – Choke

·    Elimination Final 2007: Last quarter lead – Choke (with Roo looking on from the bench)

·    NAB Cup Final 2008: Last quarter lead at home – Choke

·    Round 1 2008: 2 goal last quarter lead – Choke

 

Nathan Bock is being blamed for the loss for missing the final shot on goal, but it is unfair to single out one individual when the true problem is a lack of good old South Australian mongrel in the whole team.

 

What the Crows need is some of the fighting spirit of Graham Cornes, who gave a classic performance on 'Australian Story' a few weeks ago. After his missus was sent-up by a gloating Tony Jones on election night Cornes boldly declared he wanted to square up with the pooncey host of ‘Lateline’. 

There were so many times that I wanted to grab somebody by the throat. But it’s the old sporting retribution. You can’t do it in real life. But I do want to whack Tony Jones on the nose.

The Crows need a bit more of the Cornes-style aggression and a bit less of the pseudo-scientific, risk-averse Neil Craig approach. The sight of a smiling Bulldog veteran kicking three last-quarter goals should generate the same kind of rage amongst red-blooded South Australians as the sight of an snobbish, arrogant ABC broadcaster humiliating their wife on national television – and provoke the same kind of response.

 

 

Cornes v Tony Jones - Bring it on

 

Fool's Gold - the saga continues

 

The heart of every true Victorian footy fan would have swelled with pride on Easter Monday to see the team that once again calls itself North Melbourne taking the field in a home game in Melbourne. The Roos drew 48,000 fans to their home game - which was 4 times bigger than the crowd they would have got at Carrara (or 6 times bigger if ‘Big Brother’ was on TV at the same time). 

 

This should once again illustrate the folly of attempting to re-locate them to the Gold Coast, but the AFL remains unmoved, with Comrade Demetriou this week saying that the re-location offer was 'still on the table'. But just as Blackadder could always spot the 'slight flaw' in Baldrick's cunning plans, this week a 'slight flaw' emerged in the AFL's cunning Gold Coast plan - according to a contract that the AFL itself signed with the Queensland government, any new team in South East Queensland must play every home game at the Gabba until 2015. Even Baldrick would be proud of a 'slight flaw' as big as this one.

 

The Politburo's Minister for Information Gillon McLachlan this week tried to put his best Baldrick-style spin on the situation:

AFL chief broadcasting and commercial officer Gillon McLachlan confirmed the new team on the Gold Coast would not be able to play matches in the region until 2016.

 

"As the contract currently stands, that is true," McLachlan said. 

 

McLachlan said the challenge for the AFL was to convince the Queensland Government and MSFA to amend the arrangement. 

 

"We are aware of the agreement, we don't ever try to walk away from agreements, and part of the Gold Coast discussions has been about this,"

News of this latest 'slight flaw' puts a different spin on McLachlan's comments 3 weeks ago, where he acted as if this contract didn't even exist:

"We'll continue to work with the stakeholders to try and get a stadium up..." 

 

"We cannot have a team up here without a stadium and we've said that consistently. It's a big part of the puzzle."

So the AFL reckons it can set up a Gold Coast team without telling anyone about the contract it already has for it to play at the Gabba - a contract that the Queensland government insists on enforcing. Then it reckons it can get the Queensland government to forget about the contract and then stump up a lazy $140 million to redevelop the Carrara cow paddock. As Daryl Kerrigan would say - Tell 'im he's dreamin'.

 

  

McLachlan - Dreamin'

 

 

Hero of the Week: Brad Johnson – 3 last quarter goals by the smiling assassin in game 300 put the noose around the neck of the choking Crows. 

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Kane Johnson - taking feral Tiger Army exuberance that one step too far.

 

Clanger of the Week: Tony Liberatore – Showed his former employers the same level of respect that Kane Johnson showed the St Kilda Rd police complex, and now his only prospect of employment in the football world is likely to be selling Records at Jolimont station. Once again, proof of the old adage that colberting doesn’t pay.