Round 13, 2007

Round 13 was a week of redemption in football, at least for reformed drinkers Steve Johnson and Jeff Farmer, who each had B.O.G. games after a beer-induced exile to dominate the hapless Swans and Blues respectively. Johnson's 3 freakish goals, including the sealer, made it look so nonchalantly easy. In fact, the only other time that Geelong players can make anything look that easy is at local nightclubs during the school holidays. The Wizz also made his mark, with some brilliant lairising goals and even more lairish post-goal celebrations, with his repeated post-goal shadow-boxing sure to have brought back some unfortunate memories for anyone who has been in a pub with him in the past 6 months.

But the biggest story of the week was undoubtedly that of the now-aspiring-to-be-a-reformed drinker, Alan Didak. The ramifications of his tour of Melbourne landmarks (a nudie bar, a bikie HQ and a drive-by - perhaps he was just homesick for his former days growing up in Adelaide's northern suburbs) are still being felt, not least by the Hell's Angels, who this week saw fit to put out the following press release:

After revelations some of their members were out with Alan Didak, the Hells Angels motorcycle gang today released a statement claiming they had no knowledge that their members were fraternising with Collingwood players and they will immediately launch an investigation to suspend those members concerned.

 

"It is reckless, embarrassing and stupid behaviour from some of our members to be associating with these kinds of people" said club President Bubba Beardley in Melbourne today.

 

“We have moved to expel Christopher Wayne Hudson for his links with known Collingwood identities, and every other member is on notice that any further associations of this kind will result in their immediate expulsion. Our members are role models and we will not tolerate anything which brings the gang into disrepute" said Sergeant at Arms Dave Harley.

Meanwhile, Spearmint Rhino Gentlemen’s Club has also attempted to downplay revelations of its links with Collingwood identities. “We were not aware that Mr Didak was from the Magpies when he gained entry to our premises on the night of 11 June," a spokesman for the Rhino said. "We thought he was just another bikie or drug dealer so we let him in. We won’t be making that mistake again.”

Didak has also copped "punishment" for his mistakes - Lexus Centre-style - with Eddie saying he will "deal with him" - but not actually suspend him:

Eddie McGuire said yesterday the club would be taking the "hardest possible line" in punishing the player for his wild night with alleged city shooter Christopher Hudson.

 

However, the Magpies would not be rushed into punishing Didak, McGuire said at yesterday's President's Luncheon before their Round 13 clash with Hawthorn.

 

"The easiest thing in the world would have been to suspend Alan Didak or to fine him, I think that's sometimes the easy way out," McGuire said before last night's game against the Hawks.

It seems that for Eddie, "taking the hardest possible line" means not even suspending him for one game. His threats of punishment are about as convincing as Kevin Rudd telling off a militant union leader, or being flogged with wet lettuce, as Paul Keating used to say. 

In the same week that Tom Harley got fined $2,400 for accidentally being pushed into an umpire (about as fair as fining Neville Bruns for running into Leigh Matthews' fist) and Brendan Fevola was suspended by Carlton merely for sulking during a game, Didak copped absolutely nothing. Eddie re-assured us that "If there is to be any retribution handed out to Alan Didak, it will be done at the appropriate time." Based on Eddie's current form, it looks like the "appropriate time" will only occur when Didak gets caught actually pulling the trigger himself.

Not surprisingly, Hawthorn fans vented their spleen on Didak every time he went near the ball. On the other hand, Pie fans were relentless in their support of him, which just goes to show that if Didak was worried that talking to the police would lead to ostracism and retribution from the criminal community he clearly has nothing to fear - 40,000 of them were right behind him on Sunday night.

But just when he thought it couldn't get any worse, The Rage took the opportunity to show Didak doing his best emerging mollusk impersonation on no less than page 1:

The theories have been flying thick and fast as to how such an image came to be published. Perhaps the editorial staff at The Rage were too busy sticking pins into their John Howard voodoo dolls to notice this small problem with the picture. Or perhaps Didak has been hanging out at the Rhino for too long and feels the urge to act like its employees. Or better still, perhaps it is in everyone's interests to bring back traditional tight-fitting "lunch pack" footy shorts that would prevent such incidents occurring. It's meant to be "70s Round" next week, so why not honour the great decade by bringing back the kind of 70s-style shorts that used to resemble the Sydney Opera House (ie. no ballroom).

And last but not least, Collingwood this week announced its new clash guernsey for next week's Heritage Round, which is certainly in keeping with the heritage of much of its supporter base:

The other big story of Round 13 was Glenn Archer's 300th game. As we all know, the Shinboner of the Century is a modest man and the ultimate 'no-nonsense' footballer, and he let it be known that he wasn't too keen on hyping up the occasion:

Archer said he was embarrassed about the hype surrounding the game, which has included tributes from AFL greats such as Leigh Matthews, Malcolm Blight, Mick Malthouse, James Hird, Garry Lyon and Dermott Brereton.

 

"I don't think anyone gets comfortable with it . . . and I feel like I've had enough pats on my back to last me 20 lifetimes," Archer said.

So why did the Roos then wheel out the Grand Final dias after the game to present him with a contrived medal that nobody else has ever received for playing 300 games? Perhaps the Roos administration been hanging around Gold Coast spivs for too long and feel that the only true measure of a man's success is the amount of superfluous bling they can hang around their neck.

When his back wasn't breaking under the strain of all the pats he was receiving, Archer also gave a revealing insight into what he thought his alternative career path would have been had he not been any good at football:

He said when growing up in the Noble Park/Dandenong area, he was presented with two different paths in life. One was footy and the other was, well, not footy.

 

"I had a couple of friends or acquaintances who have died from drug overdoses, or gone to jail," Archer said.

It was surprising that Archer considers himself to have no other skills that would have qualified him for anything other than a life of crime outside football. But he is wrong to suggest that this alternative career path would have meant that he would have been lost to football. After all, there were numerous football-related jobs he could have done. Like giving Alan Didak rides home from Spearmint Rhino. Or doing lucrative deals on the mobile phone with Daniel Kerr. Or going into business with Michael "Hydroponic" Gardiner. Or showing Ben Cousins a good time whenever he's over in Melbourne. The football-related career opportunities would appear to be endless. Especially in Perth.

Michael Voss this week made his first attempt to stake his credibility as a future coach but must have wished he'd picked another day to do so. His weekly column in the Sunday Rage was on the "Dying art of traditional power forward" and predicted that strong-marking key position forwards were a dying breed whose time had passed.

Unfortunately for Voss, on the same day that his grand theory was published, Drew Petrie bobbed up with half a dozen huge marks and goals in the first quarter, and Hawthorn then had Buddy, Roughead, Boyle and Osborne put on a display of champagne power forward play to sink the Pies, not to mention Plugger Brown's efforts the night before to almost pinch the match for the Lions (before Jamie Charman lost the game by giving away a 50-metre penalty and a point-blank goal for back-chatting an umpire. Surely he could have held his tongue for 2 minutes and then let fly after the siren had gone?).

Big marking forwards in football are a bit like fearsome fast bowlers in cricket. Some eras have more of them than others. But just because we might be in an era that has less of them, doesn't mean they won't still be bloody effective when they come along again. Just as a master spin bowler might impress an audience on a cerebral level as we admire their exquisite skill (in the same way we admire the skills of a silky smooth midfielder) there is nothing that stirs the blood or appeals to the raw emotions like a brutal fast bowler smashing though a batting line up. It's the same with big high-marking power forwards, even though not every team has one right now. And as Ian Chappell said in "Cricket in the 70s", if you've got 'em, you'll use 'em. It's a pity Michael Voss has lost sight of this most basic of sporting axioms.

Hero of the Week: Drew Petrie. If high-marking forwards are like fast bowlers, then Petrie in the first quarter was the equivalent of Curtly Ambrose on a fifth-day pitch at the WACA after he'd just been told to take off his wrist bands. Unplayable. 

Cult Figure of the Week (x2): Jeff Farmer and Steve Johnson. They both showed Ben Cousins that rehabilitation from "substance use" is possible (well, at least temporarily in Farmer's case). Moreover, the devastating news that VB will be lowering its alcohol content didn't seem to affect them either.

Clanger of the Week: Alan Didak and Michael Voss did their best to take the title this week, but it's hard to go past the caption-writer on The Australian's web site this week, who just had to use this form of words to describe Ben Cousins' return to the Eagles:

A high-flying Ben Cousins resumes training for the West Coast Eagles at Subiaco in Perth after returning from suspension (emphasis added).