Round 12, 2007

After a year of waiting, Round 12 finally saw the return of Dr Pink himself. After having a leg that resembled a prop from "Jaws 3" for most of the past 2 years, Nathan Brown returned in splendour for the Tiges. His effect on the Richmond team was similar to his effect on occupants of the front bar of DT's whenever he walks through the door - they are all aroused into action and rise to the occasion. His stats for his first game back were 15 kicks, 11 handballs, 5 marks, 1 sacked coach, and 100 sweaty-palmed posts on gayfooty.com.au. 

Most importantly, Brownie was also re-united with his favourite spearhead, Richo, as football's equivalent of the Terrance and Philip Show finally returned in all its glory:

Unfortunately for Melbourne, whilst Terrance and Philip were running amok, they made Neil "The Reverend" Daniher look like the football equivalent of Ugly Bob, and as of this week, the Reverend has lost his congregation and been officially de-frocked.

The speculation has already begun in relation to possible replacements for the Reverend. Chris Connolly is keeping his options open, Michael Voss is hoping to emulate the glorious feats of Tim Watson by jumping straight into a senior coaching job with no prior coaching experience, whilst the Demons are already rumoured to have received the following application letter, which was secretly leaked to footballinvective.com:

The President

Melbourne Football Club Ltd

Level 3, Great Southern Stand

Melbourne Cricket Ground

Melbourne Vic 3000

27 June 2007

 

Dear Sir,

 

I hereby wish to express my interest in the vacant position of senior coach of your club. I feel that with your Daveys, your McLeans, your Whites and your Picketts you guys have the makings of a great team.

 

I guarantee that I will be able to make the tough decisions and retire players who are too old, like your Neitzes, your Bizzells and your Yzes, and replace them with some out-of-contract talent like your Judds and your Riewoldts.

 

By the way - do you think they'll let me into the Long Room if I keep my mullet, 'cause I really don't want to get rid of it? 

 

Having coached alongside the likes of your Sheedys, your Neil Craigs and your Malcolm Blights, I reckon I'm still good enough to be a senior coach.

 

Yours sincerely,

 

 

 

Gary Ayres

Footballinvective.com has often likened the AFL regime of Comrade Demetriou to the old rustbucket regime of the former Soviet Union, which was renowned for shortages and rationing of everything. During the past two weeks of the "split round" the Comrade has once again shown his love of the Soviet model, as residents of Melbourne were forced to endure football rationing, with only 2 games in the city in a fortnight, and not a single game on either the Saturday or Sunday for 2 weeks in a row. Meanwhile, two Victorian teams also played "home" games interstate this week.

However, we can at least be grateful that the Kangaroos outsourcing another home game to the Gold Coast (before a crowd even smaller than the last one - Memo to Southport Sharks: poker machines can't fill seats at empty footy grounds) meant that 3AW also had to outsource its commentary team to the 5AA team from Adelaide. Footballinvective.com could not contain its joy as the two 5AA commentators KG and Rowey treated us to one of the finest displays of biased and parochial SA commentary since the classic State of Origin games in the 1980s, for example:

• Rowey yelling "Ball!" every time a Roo player got tackled and he thought he was off air; and 

• Every second Roo player who gained a possession was simply referred to as "the North Melbourne boy" as KG didn't know any of their names.

• References to "the Crows" being readily interchangeable with references to "us".

It truly was a great moment in sports commentary. A professional commentator such as Bruce McAvaney may still consider himself to be South Australian, but it takes KG and Rowey to demonstrate what it really means to be South Australian.

But if long-suffering Melburnians thought they had already experienced enough football rationing in the past two weeks, they are about to encounter even more scheduling genius this week. Under the AFL's so-called "Best Fit" policy, noted crowd-pullers and Telstra Dome co-tenants North Melbourne and Bulldogs will play at the MCG on Sunday, whilst MCG residents and the teams 2nd and 4th on the ladder, Collingwood and Hawthorn, play at the Dome on the same day.

The sight of tens of thousands of supporters being locked out of the Collingwood-Hawthorn game is sure to resemble Comrade Demetriou's beloved good old days when the masses line up in bread queues in the middle of Red Square whilst the pampered politburo members munched on caviar in the Kremlin next door (or in the case of Comrade Dimetriou and his apparatchiks, dined out of the 10 varieties of sushi on offer in the Medallion Club).

Not surprisingly, Comrade Demetriou was nowhere to be seen defending this latest manifestation of his scheduling/rationing "policy" and instead sent out his hapless apparatchik Gillon McLachlan to defend the arrangement:

"Collingwood has an agreement to play games at Telstra Dome and I cannot comment on that deal, but we have to support that deal," McLachlan said.

 

"We also have to support our deal with Telstra Dome.

 

"Also, if we move the game and it is belting down with rain, we will look silly...

 

"If it is going to be a sellout, it will only be marginal."

The old Eastern Bloc propaganda so beloved of the Comrade used to say that the Berlin Wall was necessary to keep the evil decadent capitalists out. Now the AFL Politburo is arguing that we need to lock people inside Telstra Dome to protect them from the evil weather that would scare them all away from the MCG. People have been risking the weather at the Home of Football for 110 years now without letting it deter them, and the AFL is happy to schedule night games at every other ground in the league that doesn’t have a roof without worrying about "looking silly". The only thing that "looks silly" is McLachlan and Demetriou telling us that 20-30,000 people missing out on the Pies-Hawks game is "only marginal". About as convincing as a Soviet commissar telling his poor impoverished citizenry that a 5-year waiting list to buy a crappy Lada Samara was "only marginal".

But whilst the AFL has left itself more exposed than Chris Tarrant in a Darwin bar by claiming that the sellout will "only be marginal" the most interesting aspect of McLachlan's comments is the supposed "deal" between Telstra Dome and Collingwood. This begs the question of Where is Eddie? Eddie has often been forthright in claiming to represent the interests of battler Collingwood supporters, but he has been strangely silent on this issue. If we are to believe McLachlan, this is because Collingwood (ie. Eddie) has actually due to a deal with Telstra Dome (ie. Collo) to play big games at the ground and deny thousands of their supporters access.

Right now Eddie McGuire resembles Alan “Maggieland” McAlister, who as Collingwood president used to refuse to move big games to the MCG from Victoria Park, meaning 40,000 fans missed out and the 30,000 who did get to see it got to experience the delights of the mudslides in the outer at the scoreboard end, the blocked toilets everywhere else, and the mysterious yellow precipitation that broke out in the vicinity of the away team players race. As previously commented on footballinvective.com, Collingwood's target market has changed significantly under the reign of Eddie McGuire, and whereas Maggieland McAlister once sold out the interests of his fans in favour of the Victoria Park ferals, Eddie is now selling them out in favour of the Lexus-driving spivs whose interest in football extends only to parking their Lexuses in the underground carpark below the Dome and then spend the game sipping on chardonnay in the Medallion Club bar. All we can say is bring back Ted Parker - he would never have stood for it.

Ben Cousins once again stole the limelight this week by announcing that he would give up persian rugs and alcohol for 1,000 days. Yet the same day he made this solemn vow he got busted at the Motel nightclub at 3:00am. A bit like saying you've renounced your Catholic faith yet turning up the next day at St Peter's Basilica during a Papal blessing. 

If Cousins manages to keep this vow, then day 1000 will be Friday 12th March 2010, which can only mean that Saturday 13th March 2010 will be the biggest party that Perth has ever seen. Michael Gardiner and Daniel Kerr can start ordering the extra shipments right now, because this promises to be the the mother of all parties. Let the War Begin.

Cousins - Party Time

Hero of the Week: Nathan Brown and Matty Richardson - the Terrance and Philip show reached new heights of drama and emotion this week. Richo provided us with 3 goals, 3 behinds, 3 posters and 3 passion-filled lash outs, whilst Dr Pink had 18 Demons chasing his tail all night - just the way he likes it.

Cult Figure of the Week: KG and Rowey - South Australia's finest commentators doing what South Australians do best

Clanger of the Week: Paul Gardner, president of the Melbourne Football Club (it's not surprising that we need to spell out exactly who he is, as before this week we hadn't heard of him either). Gardner was about as credible as Daniel Chick as at a tribunal hearing when he issued an official club email to Melbourne members informing them of the Reverend's demise:

Turn it up Paul. If the club is going to knife its coach it should at least do it in the time-honoured fashion and not try to convince us that he himself actually made the decision. Not even Eddie tried to claim that Jessica Rowe "had advised Channel 9 that she will not be seeking a renewal of her contract". He called it as it was - she was boned. Just like the Reverend. So let's not pretend otherwise.

The Reverend

1998-2007

R.I.P.