Round 11, 2007

"There's trouble down there at Moorabbin." 

This well-known journalistic phrase has been used so often, but it's more relevant now than ever. Having spent the last three years squandering talent on the field, this week the Saints (once again) revealed their distinct lack of talent off the field, as jilted former lovers Grant Thomas and Rod Butterss went each other in a public bitch fight to rival the drama of the recent Paul McCartney divorce - minus the talent, of course).

This week Butterss accused Thomas of undermining St Kilda, by offering advice to players and, like a dodgy man outside a primary school with a bag of lollies, luring them down to local pubs for a "quiet drink". 

Butterss even went so far as to black ban his players from having any contact with Thomas, which means Grant Thomas is now the Brian Burke of St Kilda - a disgraced former leader who now wields his influence behind the scenes to further his nefarious agendas. Nick Riewoldt seems to be the Saint most under his spell, and resembles a dopey, impressionable Western Australian government minister who cannot figure out that he is being manipulated. 

Burke, Thomas, Butterss - Spot the Difference

To paraphrase Peter Costello, Rod Butterss must be thinking right now that "Anyone who deals with Grant Thomas is morally and politically compromised". But we question whether he fully understands the implications of such a policy. Surely anyone who lends Grant Thomas a million bucks then appoints him coach soon afterwards is morally and politically compromised. Just as it took the WA Inc Royal Commission to expose the nefarious conduct of Brian Burke, footballinvective.com recommends that a similar royal commission of inquiry be established to investigate the nefarious deeds of Grant Thomas and the other half of the Moorabbin Axis of Evil which colberted Malcolm Blight and set the Saints on the path to three successive seasons of underachievement. Last year Grant Thomas received belated rough justice for his role in this travesty, but Butterss is yet to receive his just desserts. Let the War begin.

This week also saw further bad news for St Kilda, with statistical proof that it is now the lowest-scoring team in the last 10 years, despite having the same forward line that recently had a century goalkicker and played in the last 3 finals series. As Iceman said to Maverick on Top Gun: "It's not your flying that's the problem, it's your attitude." With St Kilda it's not their forward line that's the problem, it's their gameplan. St Kilda has chosen to turn its pack on attacking football and play anti-football, with sickening results on the scoreboard. Even more sickeningly, it has chosen to adopt anti-football at a time when attacking football is coming back into fashion. At the half-way mark of the season, it is worth noting that teams that have embraced attacking football have gone forward, whilst those at the other end of the spectrum have either stagnated or gone backwards:

Attacking Football Teams:

Geelong: Has ditched its anti-football strategy of 2006 and is now playing attacking champagne football. Top of the ladder and on a roll.

Carlton: Has embraced attacking football in the last 2 weeks and won 2 in a row.

Essendon: Beat the Eagles playing football that was more attacking than the Eagles and having a go, rather than trying to shut them down.

Melbourne: Has ditched its anti-football gameplan from earlier in the year and has now won 2 in a row

In-between Teams:

Hawthorn: In the middle of the spectrum. It plays a unique brand of football that is an in-bred Tasmanian cross between anti-football one week and champagne football the next. It has won more games than it has lost, which shows that the attacking football side of this formula is triumphing. 

Kangaroos: The surprise packet of the year so far. Their game also varies between anti-football and attacking football. But it is surely no coincidence that nobody really rates them (certainly not footballinvective.com) because they lack the firepower to consistently play attacking football.

Anti-Football Teams:

West Coast: Plays a brand of football which if not technically anti-football, is at least "shut-down football". So far in 2006 the team is not what it used to be.

Swans: Plays a brand of "shut-down football". Also a team that is not what it used to be.

Richmond: Plays anti-football. Badly.

St Kilda: Plays anti-football. Even worse to watch than the Tiges (at least Richo is still entertaining).

Geelong is not on top of the ladder and the effects of its form are being felt throughout the football world, in the most unlikely places. Footballinvective.com was at the Carlton-Port game on Saturday night and in the midst of Carlton's 9 straight goals in the 3rd quarter a young Blue fan, estimated age 10, full of wide-eyed youthful excitement proclaimed "Hey dad, we're playing like Geelong now". It is truly heartening to see that the next generation of Carlton supporters is not infected with the unbounded arrogance that has been the defining feature of every previous one. Where once Carlton supporters thought it was their God-given right to win flags every year and then pillage the rest of the competition with cheque-book recruiting and heartless disregard for poorer teams, now their ambitions are no greater than to play like Geelong. How the wheel of fortune turns.

It was a sorry night for Port Adelaide, and Warren Tredrea in particular. Tredrea was barely functional and resembled the Terminator in the final scenes of "Terminator 1" - after the petrol tanker had exploded and his lower body had been completely mangled. He was but a shadow of his former self, barely able to make his battered legs move, and would have struggled to even terminate an Auskick kid at half-time.

Tredrea - Terminated

It was a bad week for South Australia, as Geelong also beat the Crows and is now top of the ladder. This is an ominous sign for the Cats, given what happened after they found themselves in a similar position in the past two seasons: 

Round 10, 2005: Premiership favourites, had won 6 in a row and came up against an ordinary side at home (Freo). Result: LOST, and their season never recovered.

Round 3, 2006: Premiership favourites, had won 6 in a row (counting the 4 NAB Cup games) and came up against an ordinary side at home (Hawthorn). Result: LOST, and their season never recovered.

Round 12, 2007: Premiership favourites, had won 6 in a row and about to come up against an ordinary side at home (Brisbane)....

Footballinvective.com never exaggerates or engages in hyperbole, but we hereby declare that Geelong's match this week against Brisbane is the most important it has played this decade. It is always the games that Geelong is expected to win that it loses, and whenever it is on a roll it always chokes against the ordinary sides rather than the good ones. It is therefore essential that the team keep the lid on things this week and not get carried away. This means not succumbing to the usual back-slapping hysteria that is sure to be whipped up in Sleepy Hollow now that they are top of the ladder. To this end, we recommend that no Geelong player talk to any locals this week (and not go within 100 metres of anyone related to Bob Davis) and also refrain from reading any part of the Geelong Advertiser. After all, a week locked away from the community of Geelong is a small price to pay to help ensure the future credibility of your team.

Richmond once again went down in a winnable game, this time to Freo, and exactly half-way into Plow's 5-year plan (2 years and 11 rounds) perhaps it is time to re-assess this much-vaunted plan. Footballinvective humbly suggests that Plow switch to the following Generic Richmond 5-Year Plan. Once he's gone he can leave it on his desk in Punt Rd for future Richmond coaches to also implement (just like every previous one since Francis Bourke has):

Year 1: Finish 9th, build up expectations

Year 2: Finish 15th, supporters turn, squander early draft picks

Year 3: Finish 16th, sack coach, squander early draft picks

Year 4: Finish 9th, build up expectations with new coach

Year 5: Finish 16th, sack coach, squander early draft picks

True to form, this week Plow had his excuses. Like a Soviet leader promising that the Great Leap Forward is just around the corner, Plow this week kept promising the Tiges will improve:

"...you give me a couple of ruckmen, Troy Simmonds in our side, a fit and well Nathan Brown and a fresh Mark Coughlan running through the middle and I think we would have picked up a few of those games, even with a young side," Wallace said.

"We're very clear on what we're trying to achieve, but the ladder position doesn't necessarily show it all the time."

An interesting choice of excuse this week by Plow. Just imagine if various other figures throughout history had used this same excuse:

• General Custer surveying the carnage at Little Big Horn - "We're very clear on what we're trying to achieve, but the battle field position doesn't necessarily show it all the time."
• Fat Tony Mokbel on his attempts to evade justice - "I was very clear on what I was trying to achieve, but my custodial position doesn't necessarily show it all the time."
• Oprah Winfrey on her weight-loss attempts - "I was very clear on what I was trying to achieve, but the position on the scales doesn't necessarily show it all the time."
• John Hewson on his electoral history in 1993 - "I was very clear on what I was trying to achieve, but the position at the ballot boxes doesn't necessarily show it all the time."

Hero of the Week: Russell Robertson - a vintage display of champagne football by the great cult figure, with 7 of the best to banish the Magpies.

Cult Figure of the Week: Warwick Capper. The great man was at it again this week, becoming a meter man with gold budgie smugglers:

Warwick Capper becomes a meter man

 

Former AFL great Warwick Capper has another new job - this time as a Gold Coast meter man.

Capper, who has also worked as a "stop-go" man on a road repair gang, will wear gold lycra hot pants and a gold sash over his jersey when he takes to the streets of Surfers Paradise three days a week to top up expired parking meters for grateful tourists.

The former Brisbane Bear and Sydney Swan said he was not worried about the reaction of former team-mates.

"I think it's a bit of fun," Capper said.

"I think I'm looking OK for an old boy."

Ten News also reported Capper was working as a "stripper to the stars" at night and was seriously considering a career in politics. "I might go for mayor," he said.

Clanger of the Week: Anthony Rocca. No goals, almost no touches and gave away as many free kicks as Robbo kicked goals. It's back to the pizza oven for young Anthony this week.