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Round 6, 2007
This week the football world was touched by the ugly side of substance abuse. It was a tale of two men with a problem. But only one of them, former Fremantle player David Hasselhoff was able to bravely admit that he actually had a problem:
The Hoff set an example for others with his public honesty:
"I am a recovering alcoholic…Because of my honest and positive relationship with my daughters, who were concerned for my wellbeing, there was a tape made that night to show me what I was like. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game."
On the other hand, another man with a problem was unable to admit to his:
Not only did the Hoff put Cousins to shame by not trying to pass off his addiction as an "illness as a result of liquid refreshment use", he also succeeded in taking his shirt completely off - unlike Cousins, who seems to have eaten the top half of his. Or is this just an attempt to curry favour with Chris Judd by dressing like Judd's girlfriend at the 2004 Brownlow?
As a further twist in the Ben Cousins tale this week, it was revealed that Essendon couldn't get a salary cap extension to pay for cancer treatment for Adam Ramanauskas because it wasn’t a ‘football-related’ ailment, yet Cousins and the Eagles did get such assistance, which perhaps says a lot about what the AFL and the AFL Drug Users Association really do think (or really do know) about just how 'football-related' Persian rug use actually is. Or perhaps the AFL has a "three strikes" policy in which Rama must test positive for cancer three times before they actually admit there is a problem.
On Saturday at the MCG the crowd came hoping to see the spilling of blood, but instead saw the Lance Franklin show, as young Buddy slammed on 9 of the best. Once again Essendon's backline "talls" gave away nothing in height to their opponents but gave away plenty in altitude. As far as defensive strategies go, Essendon's back six is football's equivalent of the Maginot Line - not very maneuverable, and very easy to get around. Given his current policy of recycling washed up key defenders after their 'retirement', Kevin Sheedy may well be looking for further additions to his defensive line-up, which means Darren Gaspar may not need to hang up the boots just yet, following his heartless colberting by Plow and the Tigers last week.
But full credit to Buddy Love (hopefully that's not Shane Crawford's nickname for him) who was once called “the Black Riewoldt”, a name which elicited derision amongst many football commentators (including this this one). But given the relative prowess of both players at this point in time, a certain injury-prone St Kilda forward in the number 12 guernsey should now be called “the White Franklin”, or to be more precise, the “Wannabe White Franklin”.
Buddy can now expect an orgy of congratulation like Tom Hawkins at Geelong, as desperate and deluded Hawk fans convince themselves that salvation is now at hand. As an example of the Buddymania currently sweeping Melbourne, this email did the rounds this week: Multiple-choice question for Hawthorn supporters: Is Lance Franklin: a) the next Jason Dunstall b) the next Dermott Brereton c) the next Peter Hudson; or d) all of the above
Buddy: Love
Full credit also to Hawthorn’s apprentice enforcer Campbell Brown, who epitomizes all that was good about the Hawthorn backline in the 1980s – full of hard men who can play a bit (Bomber backline - take note on both counts). This week he took apart Scott Lucas who, to be frank, always struggles when he’s sailing into the wind.
It seems the Football Gods may now be smiling on the Hawks. Having copped ridicule for years for failing to draft the Player of the 21st Century so far (C. Judd) when they had the chance, Hawthorn can now thank Richmond for failing to draft Lance Franklin when it had the chance. To the "thank-you" list they should also add Dean Laidley, for taking their dead wood at highly inflated prices (medical certificate not included) and Terry Wallace (once again) for taking Mark Graham off their hands.
Dodgiest umpiring decision of the year so far goes to the 'decision' in the Demons-Port game to award an "in the back" against David Neitz, thus denying Aaron Davey the winning goal, and sending Demon fans in the Long Room into uproar (the other 56 Demon fans in the rest of the ground weren't too happy either). Neita's opponent, Daryl Wakelin, can be grateful that the umps saved him from years of future embarrassment, following his impersonation of Mick McGuane circa 1994, as the ball bounced off his chest and into the waiting arms of Davey.
This 'decision' once again brought into question the new "hands on the back" rule, and how the slightest affectionate caress of an opponent's body is now deemed a blot on the game and worthy of a free kick. In the eyes of footballinvective.com, the marking duel between Neitz and Wakelin was no different to another duel two years ago featuring Daryl Wakelin and Brad Ottens, which Ottens happened to win, and from which he kicked the winning goal:
2007 - Wakelin nudged out - "in the back"
2005 - Wakelin nudged out - mark paid
TigerWatch, Part 3:
The biggest story of the week was Richmond's demise against Geelong, as the second generation of Abletts did to the Tigers what the first generation used to do so often. This was the most anticipated game of the year, given that regardless of who won it was guaranteed to be a bonanza for footballinvective.com. If the Cats lost, then the gloves would once again be off as we took aim at the biggest collection of handbags outside Imelda Marcos’s wardrobe. On the other hand, if the Tiges lost, then it would surely be time for Tiger fans to turn on their side, with all of the entertainment that it entails.
Following the 26-goal hammering we wonder if Nathan Brown will back up his claim last week that Richmond were "the best 0-5 team ever" by arguing they are now the best 0-6 team ever. But in all seriousness, the biggest affront to football to come out of Sunday night's game was not the meek surrender of Richmond's players on the field, but the meek surrender of their fans off the field.
Having sat through all four quarters of the gruesome spectacle with the same morbid fascination with which we watch the endless action replays of a 10-car pile-up in a grand prix, footballinvective.com then sat back eagerly anticipating the real entertainment for the night, when "the most passionate fans in the league" would turn on their team, hurl venomous abuse at the players, smash up the coach's box and force the coach to double his security detail, just as they did in 2004 when they turned.
But it wasn't just footballinvective.com who anticipated a riot. Even the police and Telstra Dome security staff were preparing for the same outcome, as revealed in a report in the Hun the next day:
"Resignation and deflation" is putting it mildly. Footballinvective.com lives only a few torpedo punts from Punt Road Oval, and had expected to see the surrounding streets in lock-down mode, as if a G20 meeting was taking place, as a precaution against the rampaging Tiger army. But there was nothing to be seen - not even a single tip truck full of chicken manure on its way to Tigerland to drop off another 'special delivery'.
When footballinvective.com tuned into 3AW on Monday morning, expecting the usual backlash from enraged Tiger talkback callers, we were instead confronted with even more "resignation and deflation". Perhaps because he shares footballinvective.com's sadistic desire to see angry Tiger fans running amok, Neil Mitchell began his program by inviting talkback calls from upset Richmond fans, goading them even more by saying that “Now I know you’re not the most charitable kind of supporters..”
Not so long ago a comment such as this would have sent 3AW's phone lines into meltdown, and led to Mitchell being arrested for inciting violence (and they say Alan Jones was reckless with his comments before the Cronulla riots). Unfortunately however, the response from Tiger fans was tame. The first two callers were as follows:
Honestly, where is the old-style Richmond fighting fury? This brand of defeatism and mediocrity is, quite frankly, reminiscent of Geelong supporters. Something is wrong down at Tigerland. Horribly wrong. But it's not just wrong off the field either. On the field as well, the old spirit is not there. This was proven in the second quarter when Matty Richardson had a sitter of a mark bounce off his chest and straight into the arms of Nathan Ablett, who nonchalantly slammed it through. Yet even this level of humiliation could not even ignite the legendary short fuse of Richo. When even Richo does not vent his frustration (as only Richo can) at a 26-goal thrashing and his own humiliation, you know something is truly amiss.
Back in 2004 when Richmond descended into yet another year of mediocrity, the passionate Tiger army gave us this:
But in 2007, all they could manage was this:
The picture tells 1,000 words - only one feral fan turning on his team, with the bemused granny in the bottom left hand corner illustrating just what a novelty he was.
There has clearly been a culture change at Tigerland in the past 3 years. Not co-incidentally, this is also the same 3 years of Terry Wallace's reign. The fate of Tiger supporters in the 3rd year of Wallace’s Soviet-style 5 Year Plan is a bit like the mood of Soviet citizens after decades of communist rule - whereas once they may have become indignant at the ineptitude and cronyism of the regime, years of oppression had created an overwhelming sense of resigned helplessness.
5 Year Planners - bad for morale
Unfortunately for Richmond, it is clearly in Wallace’s interests to have a team and a supporter base resigned to their fate of a 5-year sentence in the gulag of defeat, since even though it means the team won’t win a game, he will at lease be safe from a supporter uprising. He would also be aware that the Soviet regime was never overthrown by the people because the people were so used to being downtrodden. Instead they had to rely on the regime crumbling from within.
Sure enough, the first signs of internal regime crumbling were provided by Richmond the day after the game, when it offered a public apology on its web site:
The most curious thing about this apology is that it was offered by Greg Miller, the club CEO. Surely Plow as coach should be offering the apology. It seems that just like other cult-of-personality regimes in which the hapless Minister for Propaganda (or some other flunkey) gets wheeled out to deliver bad news, whilst the Great Benevolent Leader takes the credit for anything good, Plow locked himself in his Kremlin and refused to be the face of the club. But then again, it’s hard to imagine Plow showing such humility by apologising himself. It would be hard to imagine him saying any of the words in the apology – except the line about Terry bringing the club back together.
Hero of the Week: Lance Franklin – impossible to ignore. Bringing back old-style values of high-flying, lairising, long-bombing football.
Honourable mention to Kent Kingsley (now seemingly the only hope left for Richmond) who responded to a bollocking from Caroline Wilson with this classic retort:
Cult Figure of the Week: Campbell Brown – like footballinvective.com, and half the fans in attendance, Campbell would have surely been disappointed that this Dons-Hawks game did not degenerate into another all-in-brawl. Having shown he has the playing ability, all he needs to do now to emulate his old man is to take out all of Carlton (a la Mal circa 1972) and all of Essendon (a la Mal circa 1974) in all-in brawls that he himself has started. Clanger of the Week: Terry Wallace. We tipped this.
Honourable mention for Clanger of the Week also goes to the Geelong Football Club. They may have won by 26 goals, leading Gerard Healy to conclude "they are a genuine premiership threat" (an interesting conclusion given they've only beaten the bottom 3 sides on the ladder) but Geelong undid all the good work with their post-match interviews after the game, which were conducted in the Geelong rooms by Fox Footy's latest boundary rider, one Leigh Colbert. Once again, Geelong showed that is has learned nothing about dignity, self-respect, accountability, loyalty, or how to treat disloyalty, as it let Colbert roam around its rooms unscathed, and even let him interview both Ablett brothers (a bit like the Royal Family letting Jerry Springer interview William and Harry). The soccer equivalent would be the England team inviting Cristiano Ronaldo into its rooms after the World Cup Quarter Final last year. The political equivalent would be Gough Whitlam inviting John Kerr to a Labor Party branch meeting. Just when we thought Richmond had done all it could to become the doormats of the League, Geelong has just gone one better.
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