Round 5, 2007

 

 

Chocko Williams has been many things in his illustrious football career, but this week he is feted as a rain-maker, as Port Adelaide belted St Kilda in the Footy Park monsoon:

 

 

Teal Coloured Glasses was there and full of admiration for the man who is not only restoring the dignity of Port Power but also single-handedly saving the Australian economy by ending the drought:

 

‘The Revolution has begun’ – so proclaims Comrade Chocko when questioned on Port’s surprising start to the year. After a disappointing ‘06 saw the team finish outside the final eight for the first time since 2000, the Alberton Kremlin began making some tough decisions on which players could still be of use to the cause and conversely, identifying traitors to the revolution who had to be removed.

 

Francou, Dew, Bishop, Kingsley, and Wangeneen now find themselves in footballing Siberia as a result of the inquest. Some went willingly and others remain bitter about the process but after Round 5 of the new season and wins in the last two weeks against Over-Exposed FC (Collingwood) and Over-Rated FC (St Kilda), the Power’s 4-1 record vindicates the off-season blood- letting.

 

Despite the losses of such big names, new sons of the revolution are beginning to emerge to replace the fallen – Pettigrew, Symes, and Ebert among those who have answered the Teal Army’s call but perhaps the most surprising of these new heroes is new boy David Rodan.

 

Many an eyebrow was raised when D-Rod was selected with the final pick in last year’s draft but he is already proving that unlike John West, it’s the players Terry Wallace rejects that makes him such a bad coach. Indeed, should Trotsky Wallace’s fortunes not improve in the very near future then nightmares involving icepicks might begin haunting the Richmond coach.

 

The only downside to come out of the win over Eddie’s boys two weeks ago was the performance of Warren Tredrea. Like Boxer in 'Animal Farm', so much of where we are is down to his efforts over the years but despite this, some critics were calling for him to be sent to the glue factory. His dominant display in the rain on Friday night against Ross Lyon’s walking wounded though evoked a different Orwellian theme:

 

‘All animals are created equal. Some are just more equal than others. And St Kilda, with or without Grant Thomas, is always less equal than anyone.’

 

Ben Cousins returned to Australia this week. In his absence, connoisseurs of off-field indiscretions must have been disappointed that with the likelihood of such incidents was significantly reduced, but thankfully for them, Jeff Farmer unselfishly stepped into the breach to fill the void while Cousins was away. 

 

There are rumours that Ben Cousins may play for the Eagles again this year, but with several conditions attached. The club will have to keep close tabs on him off the field, and Cousins will have to be fully up to speed with his regular drug tests. Of course, if these conditions are not met then plans for his return will have to be put on ice.

Many may have thought that the 'day-nighter without lights' end to the cricket World Cup was the biggest sporting farce of the week, but if they did then they clearly didn't see the Geelong midfield as it once again pulled out the handbags at home against the Kangaroos.

 

After Geelong's "comprehensive review" decided to change absolutely nothing in terms of its coaching and playing personnel at the end of 2006, it is clear that this review also recommended no change to the club's style of play, as the Cats once again dusted off their finest game plan of 2006, which requires that they be second to the ball, squib contests and play like 22 exorcists, ie. desperately try and rid their team of possession at every opportunity. This absurd desire to share possession around reached its peak when Nathan Ablett lined up for a set shot 20 metres out directly in front, only to choose the option of a short pass to a player at a greater distance and a greater angle. Truly, to witness the squandered genius of Nathan Ablett under the supposed tutelage of Bomber Thompson is as painful as watching Slug Jordan give elocution lessons ("take the boy off").

 

Not surprisingly, Paul Chapman showed that he is one of the few Cats players with guts both on and off the field, as he lashed out at his slack team mates:

 

"I think at the moment we have probably got some passengers and you can't afford to carry them.

 

"You need 22 blokes who are going to live your values and just die for your team.

 

"If you think about it, it is our little war. I know it's not war but a game of footy, but you just need everyone to contribute.

 

"You can't have blokes picking and choosing, deciding when they want to go and when they don't want to go."

 

Wise words by Chappy, but they are basically no different to what Tom Harley was publicly saying last year, and nothing changed then either.

 

Chappy: Staight-talker

 

Perhaps not wanting to be outdone by Chappy, Bomber Thompson himself threw in his two bob's worth:

 

"It's happened a few times now ... There are boys who don't want to be a part of it . . . I don't want it to happen ever again. I'm over it."

 

At last Bomber Thompson has admitted what footballinvective.com has known for 12 months - that he is indeed, well and truly "over it". But of all the indictments on him as coach, this is surely the most mild. Consider these other examples from the last 2 weeks:

 

• Admitting he didn't know who was on Adam Simpson (who just happened to be the opposing captain and who just happened to get 41 possessions);
• Admitting before the Hawthorn game that he planned to copy the Hawks' "ugly" style of play (obviously believing he could do no better);
• His player moves after half-time in response to the team trailing by 7 goals - when Tom Hawkins finds himself in the midfield kicking cream-puff sideways passes like Cameron Ling and Cameron Ling is parked at full-forward stuffing up marking contests like Tom Hawkins, then something is clearly, horribly wrong.

Clearly, it is time for a purge.  Or at least it would be at any normal club. At Geelong, it's probably just time for another "review".

 

Geelong now faces Richmond next week. The softest team in the League goes head to head with the worst team in the League in a spectacle that promises to be as excruciating as Graham Cornes's wife giving a press conference. Footballinvective gives full credit to this post on www.bigfooty.com which is much funnier than anything we could have said about this upcoming Game of the Year:

 

Match of the Decade - Richmond vs Geelong

This could not only be the match of the decade, but quite possibly, the greatest match of all time.

 

These 2 giants of AFL football will take on each other, with both clubs in once in a lifetime form, on Sunday at the Telstra Dome. Crowds are expected to be somewhere between 50 and 100 people, but some are confident that as many as 135 people will turn up.

 

This match has been anticipated ever since Richmond showed they can't win matches, and Geelong showed they don't give a sh*t about winning matches.

 

The odds at this stage are

 

Head to Head

Geelong - $14.50

Richmond - $14.50

Draw - $1.01

 

Some additional odds include

 

First Goal

nobody - $1.01

player not quoted - $28

 

First Coach fired

Thompson fired at Half time - $2.10

Wallace fired at Half Time - $2.70

Thompson fired at Full Time - $4.15

Wallace fired at Full Time - $6.10

Neither Coach fired during the game - $31

 

Key match-ups include

C. Ling vs K. Johnson - who is the worse captain

Bartel, Selwood and Chapman vs Delidio, Foley and Tuck - These guys will in the minority of players trying to win, they need to inspire their teammates to do the same.

Corey vs Bowden - Who can have less influence on the game?

Scarlett vs Richo - Both guys put it on the line for their clubs every week

Tambling vs his brain - Can he influence a game for more then 10 minutes?

Hawkins vs the fans - will he belt a Geelong fan for cheering him when he kicks a point?

 

This could be a fantastic game, my prediction is

 

Geelong 0.46.46

Richmond 0.46.46

 

Perhaps Geelong or Richmond should just bite the bullet and bring back Tommy Hafey. Not as a coach, but as a player. He's certainly harder than most of the Geelong midfield. And at a sprightly 75 (and given that he never had to rely on Loris Bertolacchi) he's probably fitter as well:

 

Tea Bag Tommy: Great Man

 

TigerWatch, Part 2: The demise of Geelong should not be allowed to over-shadow that of Richmond, whose current plight is now so desperate that there are now only two options left for the club. It can either:

a)     Start playing Kent Kingsley; or

b)    Turn on the coach

 

As should be obvious to any student of the game, a full-scale revolt is the only option available. If any evidence was required that a Tiger turn is necessary, it was provided by Nathan Brown on the Sunday Footy Show. Dr Pink said they could win 11 games this year, which not surprisingly prompted widespread mirth amongst the assembled panelists. When prompted by Tony Jones to justify this belief the following exchange ensued:

Pink: “I think we can win 11 games this year”

(general incredulity all-round)

Jones: “11 games? Well who are you going to beat then?”

Pink: “Er, um, er, North Melbourne”

Jones: “Well, that’s one, what about the other 10?”

Pink: “Er, um, Melbourne”

Jones: “Still nine more to go”

Pink: “Er, well we play North Melbourne twice….”

 

With performances like this, Dr Pink truly is Smithers to Terry Wallace’s Burns. But if he thinks his closeness to the coach is going to protect him, his is surely mistaken. Under 5 year plans in the Soviet Union not even Stalin’s most obsequious bum chums survived his purges. Just like a Tiger fan spurned, a dictatorial Richmond coach has the potential to turn on literally anyone. Nathan Brown, consider yourself warned.

 

Finally, Round 5 also saw the release of the latest Toyota ad, featuring Plugger, the pig, and his 1,300th goal. There are certainly many more magic moments that could be re-created in future ads, and as its contribution to this unique piece of football culture, footballinvective.com hereby humbly suggests its ideas for the next series of ads:

 

·         Leigh Matthews snapping the point post at Windy Hill – the two blokes could stick a picture of Jason Akermanis to the post to give Lethal extra motivation as he charges towards it.

·         Nick Reiwoldt at the Gabba in '05 – The two blokes could pretend to be Mal Michael and Chris Scott bumping his shoulder, with Riewoldt turning on the water works. (note that the Saints may not agree to let him to do it given that it might put him out for the season)

·         Fraser Brown - THAT tackle on Dean Wallis in ‘99. One of the blokes could dress in a clown suit and pretend to be Wallis.

·         Rhyce Shaw could don the brown underpants and re-enact his greatest moment dropping the ball in fright in front of a rampant Alister Lynch in the 2003 GF, with a yellow puddle appearing beneath him just after he fumbles it.

·         Dennis Banks - hi-jacking the bus at Spencer Street station. BYO slab to get Banks in the right mood.

·         Danny Frawley - ‘kristallnacht’ in 2004 when the feral Tiger fans turned and smashed the glass in his coach's box. (The ad agency is likely to be inundated with Tiger fans volunteering for the role).

·         Ben Cousins and his run from the booze bus in '06 - he could run down the road, jump fences and swim through a creek and the two blokes could chase after him in police uniforms. It would be a bit like a Benny Hill chase. In fact, they could even set it to the Benny Hill music. The final scene could feature Cousins dripping wet running with his shirt off into a pharmacy where the pharmacist in white coat behind the counter (played by John Worsfold) says to him "Hey, aren't you Ben Cousins?", to which he lamely replies "Er, no...."

 

 

Hero of the Week: Paul Chapman - Gutsy words from a gutsy player to point out just how many handbags there are amongst his pussy cat comrades. But just like the wise words of footballinvective.com, Chapman's words of wisdom are certain to fall on deaf ears.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Michael Pettigrew – The hitherto unheralded Port hardman takes the cake with THAT hit on Lenny Hayes, proving once again that the Saints are still as soft as ever, and nothing can match the battle-hardened toughness of the inmates of Alberton.

 

Clanger of the Week: Mal Michael – Together with the rest of the Essendon backline on Anzac Day, he was caught out of position more times than the German Sixth Army in Stalingrad, following on from his similarly hapless mauling at the hands of Carlton. The Lions considered themselves conned when he initially ‘retired’ only to pull on the boots again, but as post-retirement comebacks go, this one is proving about as successful as Plugger circa 2002, or any future comeback attempt by Gary Glitter.