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Round 3, 2007
Rivalry Round was a bit of a ho-hum affair this week, except for yet another classic episode in the Essendon-Carlton soap opera, a long-running series that has captivated viewers ever since Stephen Kernahan missed THAT sitter in Round 2, 1993. These days it’s not as hard as it once was for teams to make Essendon look ordinary, but Carlton still does it in the most creative ways, and any eggs which were left over from the egging of Lance Whitnall’s brother’s place last week were splatted firmly on the face of the Dons on Saturday afternoon. The only thing funnier than picturing big Lance and his wife on a late night drive-by egging mission was manager Ricky Nixon’s comment that the egg shells should be fingerprinted to determine who the real culprit was. Footballinvective.com eagerly awaits the next hilarious instalment in the Whitnall family feud. Dennis Pagan called it his best win in his time at Carlton (not that there were many to choose from) but Carlton have been sticking it up the Dons since September 18 1999, as the following catalogue of Bomber calamity reveals: Classic Essendon chokes against Carlton since 1999:
Given Sheedy’s recent penchant for recycling ex-Blue stars such as Murphy, Allan and Camporeale, footballinvective.com wonders how long it will be before the likes of Houlihan, Scotland and Lappin end up at Windy Hill in Sheedy’s bid to shrug off the voodoo curse which has descended across the inner north. Perhaps sacrificing a bucket of KFC to voodoo God Jobu, 'Major League' style, might just do the trick.
On Friday night, Richmond and Collingwood re-lived some of their rivalry from the days of Hafey, Bartlett and the series of vicious player trading battles sparked by the defections of David Cloke and Geoff Raines, now known as “The War of the Mullets” (a story brilliantly re-told in The Rage last week):
Hawthorn and North Melbourne re-lived their epic battles during the Age of Tash, however the football artists from that era such as Lethal, Knights, Blighty and Cable must have been choking on their Sunday evening roasts as they viewed the ‘spectacle’ put on by their two teams in this week’s “twilight” game, in a match whose first half belonged in the “Twilight Zone”. The description of the first half by The Rage as “dour” was about as understated as describing conditions in a Srebrenica concentration camp as 'grim'. Whilst Essendon-Carlton and Collingwood-Richmond are well
established historic rivalries, other so-called “rivalries” were a bit
harder to pick: · Saints and Dogs – “Battle of the Telstra Dome specialists” – Yeah, right. Perhaps "Battle of the Premiership Virgins" might be more appropriate. Or maybe "Victims of Darren Jarman Support Group" may be more apt still. ·
Melbourne and Geelong – apparently they are rivals
because they were the first two teams established, in 1858 and 1859
respectively. They must have had a very intense rivalry during the 1860s when
there were no other teams yet and they had to play each other every week
(whilst Melbourne must have spent the whole of season 1858 playing intra-club
practice games). ·
Sydney and Brisbane – Queensland and New South Wales have
had some epic games over the years, and isn’t it great to see these two
sides re-living the glory days of Wally Lewis and Pete Sterling... (whoops,
wrong code). In the battle of the 1850s rivals, Paul Chapman and Ablett Jnr provided a 454 cubic inch V8 engine room for the Cats, and it is surely no coincidence that the Cats higher scoring style this year has coincided with these two maestros playing a more attacking style of game. In the eyes of footballinvective.com, Chapman just MUST play more in the centre, where his sense of direction and complete lack of a reverse gear is exactly what Geelong needs, and is in huge contrast to others (C. Ling, J. Kelly, take a bow).
Junior: Engine Room Brent Maloney did his best Allen Jakovich impersonation as
he kicked Melbourne’s first two goals, plenty of lairising before, during
and after the goal, with the white boots and a proto-mullet to match. He was
then forced to leave the ground with a groin injury, but unlike Jakovich, his
probably wasn’t self-inflicted. Matthew Scarlett has re-grown his afro and, not surprisingly, was therefore back to his best. This was in conrast to Nathan Carroll who without his tash, was blown away by the Tomahawk Cruise missile, who kicked 4 goals in the first 1 and ½ quarters before being mothballed by Bomber on the bench. Apparently Bomber is trying to keep the lid on the hype surrounding the young man, and prevent mindless hero worship from the populace of Geelong - which just goes to show he really has learned nothing in 7 years at Sleepy Hollow. About as likely as the coach of Bayern Munich trying to stop the fans from drinking during the month of October.
Tomahawk: Cruise Missile
Travis Varcoe has been given the number 5 guernsey last worn by The Great Man and is being talked up as another potential indigenous star. He certainly shows great physical prowess as he chases the ball around the park – now all he needs to do is get a possession so we can realistically assess his ability. In the Western Derby, the highlight was the acceptance speech of Ross Glendinning Medallists Michael Braun, who claims he “forgot where he was” when he dropped the f-word, and was just trying to give a motivation message to the team:
Braun: Clang
Not a great example for the kiddies out there, but at least he didn’t cast any aspersions on the morality of 6-year olds. We should perhaps be grateful that Daniel Kerr didn't win the medal and "forget where he was" and start ordering a sack of horse chaff for the boys. At Footy Park, the Showdown proved a Letdown as the Crows coasted to an easy win. In a terrible loss for football, the Game for All South Australians was viewed by only 36,000 of them, which has prompted crisis talks at the AFL Politburo, complete with theories as to why: AFL to look into Showdown flop THE AFL will investigate why fewer than 37,000 fans attended Saturday's Showdown, but denies live TV coverage was to blame. The record low attendance of 36,959 left the AFL stunned, with reasons including fans' safety fears set to be investigated this week. AFL chief broadcasting and commercial officer Gillon McLachlan said with 83,000 members between the teams, the game at AAMI Stadium "should have been a sellout". He said "various explanations" were being considered and the AFL would contact the Crows, Port Adelaide and the SANFL to discuss reasons for the poor attendance. "This includes some Adelaide fans not feeling safe with Port Adelaide fans," he said.
Having spent many matches in close proximity to Power fans, footballinvective.com cannot understand what Mr McLachlan is on about. But if you're still in doubt, judge for yourself:
Footballinvective.com's inveterate correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses was there, and this week vents his spleen on the dwindling ranks of true believers at the biggest game of the year: Question: Which of these ‘blockbuster’ games was the least well attended over this weekend’s Rivalry Round? a) ‘F*@king’ West Coast v Fremantle b) Port Adelaide vs Adelaide c) Western Bulldogs vs St Kilda Answer: The obvious answer would be (c) – the Dogs and Saints sharing nothing by way of rivalry other than perhaps the claim to being the most unsuccessful club in VFL/AFL history. Shockingly, however, the correct answer is in fact (b). This is truly a sad day for SA football. As regular readers of footballinvective.com will know, SA has a proud football heritage, littered with brilliant razzle-dazzle, champagne lairising, and laconically brilliant talent. At its best, SA football is the best in the land. Alas, it appears that storm clouds are brewing. The spectre of apathy is now casting its long shadow over this glorious past. While the Saints-Dogs battle of the battlers drew 38,474 and the Western Derby attracted 42,051, the gladiators of Port Adelaide battled the ultra flood of the Fruit Tingles in front of just 36,959 moderately-interested onlookers at the ground-formerly-known-as-Football Park for the latest instalment of the Showdown. That’s right, the much-vaunted local rivalry between Port and the Crows built on over a century of suburban tribal hatred, socio-economic differences, court cases, accusations and long-standing personal feuds and fuelled in recent times by the on-field Jameson vs Cummings slugfest, the off-field Carr vs Riccuito slugfest, the Brett Burton ‘dobbing at the tribunal’ incident and Chad ‘Studley’ Cornes’s fist-pumping victory celebration in 06, drew the smallest attendance in the history of this storied contest. As a Power fan who migrated to Melbourne but recently returned to the football capital of the world, I was shocked by the lack of interest among SA footy fans in the big clash. When I last lived in Adelaide, the Showdown was the hottest ticket in town. Now it seems only the true die-hards are interested in making the trip to West Lakes in person. And herein lies the problem: AAMI Stadium - j’accuse! What a shock to the system my return to Footy Park turned out to be. Accustomed to watching games at world class venues such as Telstra Dome and the 'G with their modern facilities, easy transport access and great view from any seat in the house, watching the game this week was like going back in a time warp. Let's compare a trip to AAMI to either the 'G or Telstra Dome. On one hand in Melbourne you can jump on a train for $5, have no traffic or parking snarls, get straight off and walk into the ground. You can - shock of all shocks - have a beer while you watch the footy, and once the game has finished you can enjoy any number of bars, restaurants or other attractions in the city with the stadia right in the heart of the action. Sure, Collo is intent on driving the neighbouring Nando’s out of business but that pales into insignificance when comparing the viewing experience across the border. Now let's look at AAMI. You have to leave home about 2 hours before the game to avoid the traffic build up. You are forced to pay $9 (scandalous!) to park in a shopping mall and then walk from your car to the ground. The view from anywhere is terrible, the design of the stadium ensuring that unless the ball is on your wing you cannot see any action. If you want a beer, you are forced to miss the game and drink as fast as possible to return to your seat (oh, but if you a spiv in a corporate box you can drink as much as you like!). If you want to stay to the very end of the match, you are condemning yourself to an hour spent at a standstill in the same shopping mall, the car park staff who were only too happy to receive your money on the way in conspicuously absent on the way out when they could assist in directing traffic. If you want to then go out in the city and enjoy the nightlife on offer, you'd better be prepared to wait 45mins before you will arrive back there. I can only shake my head when I imagine what interstate visitors must think when they experience AFL footy - SA style. AAMI Stadium is a relic of a bygone era. Like its Victorian counterpart, the now-demolished Waverley, it is a fossil of the 1970s. Instead of throwing money away trying to improve a lost cause (including spending $70 million on a Spiv Club on the outer wing), we're better off spending our efforts on building a new, modern facility close to the city with easy access. Building new scoreboards and installing bucket seats at West Lakes is just lipstick on a pig – an improvement sure, but still a pig nonetheless. SA footy fans deserve better than the sorry excuse for a footy ground we currently have. Act now, or get used to the sight of empty seats at AAMI for a long time to come. In yet more vindication for footballinvective.com, the ratings results for the first 2 rounds showed that Channel 7’s ratings have already plunged: CHANNEL 7's return to AFL broadcasting has copped a shirtfront from Melbourne fans.
Ratings show a combined 221,000 fewer fans tuned into Seven for the opening two rounds compared with the corresponding rounds on Nine in 2006. After the first two rounds last year, Nine had attracted 998,000 Melbourne viewers. A
Nine spokeswoman said the network wasn't interested in entering a slanging
match.
"The
figures speak for themselves," she said.
Unfortunately for Channel 9 (and fortunately for lovers of off-field controversy such as footballinvective.com) Channel 7 did not share Channel 9’s reluctance to engage in a slanging match, and Seven head honcho Ian Johnson came out swinging: But Seven's Melbourne managing director Ian Johnson ripped into the rival network. "Channel 9 are sending out figures like that because they're pathetically jealous that they don't have any football," he said. "Why don't they send out some figures about how bad their news is going?" Mr Johnson, who is also the head of AFL programming at Seven, said it was too early to examine the footy coverage. "(It's) pretty tough to try and compare year-on-year from '06 to '07. I just find it pathetic and they're (Channel 9) actually getting really terse with their criticism of our coverage too." But if Mr Johnson thinks Channel 9 is terse with its criticism of Seven’s coverage, he had better not read footballinvective.com’s assessment. As one well-informed punter said on 3AW talkback on Monday night, “it’s good to see Channel 7 is still using the same production equipment that it used for “Electrifying 80s”. That pretty much says it all about Channel 7's technical nous so far.
However, whilst the technology is a 1980s re-run, it is a pity that the 80s revival policy of Johnson and co. does not extend to its choice of on-screen personnel. Whereas back in the ‘World of Sport’ days of the 80s we had the wit and charisma of Lou Richards, Jack Dyer and co, we now have David “the Earth is slow and so is the Ox” Schwartz, Ricky “Mr Charisma” Olarenshaw and, of course, Bruce. All this whilst Warwick Capper still continues to warm a bench on the Gold Coast, and Wayne Carey still does not have a free to air role to match his obvious abilities. Johnson has paid $700 million for the rights to broadcast
21st Century football, so it’s about time he took
his responsibilities seriously and tried to modernise his product. But don’t
take our word for it. Let this brief selection of the 97 reader’s comments
on the Herald Sun website speak for themselves, as they certainly speak for
the vast masses of footy fans (footballinvective.com accepts no responsibility
for spelling and grammatical errors): If Channel seven let me me into the matches for free I will use my video camera as an extra camera for them to get some decent footage for the punters, NO CHARGE!!! Posted by: Rob There is one good thing for channel 9 about 7 getting the rights for the next 5 years, Because when the 5 years are up 9 will get them for half the price 7 paid for them because 7 would have stuffed the AFL up so much people will just stop watching. Bruce Macavany needs to come with a R Rating so people dont die of bordom from his pathic comments, the boundry riders they are using wouldnt have a brain between them, someone needs to tell there camera operators that they need to consintrate on red or yellow ball, and if the miss it they just get the camera so far above the play that anyone would think there is a bunch of ants on TV. It going to be a long 5 years of this crap we can just hope Bruce retires soon. Posted by: Troy disgraceful coverage - i was one of the fools who wanted 7 to get the footy back from nine and now i will not watch it - pathetic coverage - that stupid high shot is ridiculous - bruce is terrible - to long out of the game and no chemistry - and the pathetic special comments from no personality or ideas from WATSON - and woeful schwarz and you are kidding with olarenshaw - not for me - … IAN JOHNSON and 7 you are a disgrace - i hope im around in 5 years to see you lose the rights Posted by: alan fix up the commentary and maybe show games live then we will all tune in,
for now, cant wait till 2010 as sammy newman says, bruuuuuuuuuuce Posted by: sam The camera work is shoddy, and the commentators are painful. David Schwartz sounds awkward in delivery, and McAvaney gushes and gurgles like a pre-pubescent schoolgirl meeting her rock idol. The boundary rider Olarenshaw lacks poise and self-confidence, and poor old Vossy's graphs are just embarrassing! - surely his talent could be put to better use! Posted by: Simon Channel 7 have been extremely disappointing in every respect. The lack of games shown, time slot (why not live for interstate games ???), camera work and commentary (apart from Denis Cometti). The target audience appears to be 4-7 year olds as the delivery of the telecast is similar to that of Romper Room or Humphrey. I don't have foxtel, so if it's not on Channel 10 I would rather watch local football than the rubbish channel 7 serve up. Posted by: Joel Their commentary team does not "jell" together. Bruce is past his use by dateTim is a lost cause, Rick you dont hear much from, which leaves Denis to run the ship I don't know why they spent all this money to produce a "c" grade program It should be No. 1 Posted by: Margaret Hero of the Week: Brendan Fevola – The Shag has truly shaken off the stigma of winning the John Bourke Medal in 2005 and this week joined the illustrious ranks of Kouta, Fraser Brown and every one else in navy blue who has stuck it up Essendon in the past decade. Cult Figure of the Week: Chad Cornes - Port BOG by the distance between Salisbury and Brighton (light years away in every sense) in what was a disappointing Showdown (but like pizza and sex, there is no such thing as a bad Showdown), stepping up as Port's new Mr Showdown following the retirement of Josh Francou. Clanger of the Week: Ian Johnson of Channel 7. Two Clanger of the Weeks in a row now for Seven, as Johnson displayed all of the grace under pressure, ability to listen to constructive criticism, and open-mindedness about innovation that have become the hallmarks of Channel 7 over the years. Television devotees were never accustomed to such public tanties from Johnson whilst he was at Nine, where he obviously had it beaten out of him by Packer early on.
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