Round 2, 2007

 

 

There are many certainties each year in the world:

1. The Earth will orbit the sun;

2. Birds will fly south for the Winter;

3. 20 brain-dead bogans will get their 15 minutes of fame on ‘Big Brother’; and

4. Carlton will make Geelong look good.

 

Sure enough, the fourth of these certainties occurred quicker that the first 3 at Telstra Dome on Saturday night. This week Geelong impersonated the US military in the Iraq war as it took on a highly overrated opponent and also unveiled its latest weapon – the Tomahawk Cruise Missile, aka big Tom Hawkins. Unfortunately the target practice for the missile was the equivalent of the “elite” Republican Guard circa 2004. He is yet to come up against decent opposition, but footballinvective.com liked what it saw - the size and swagger of Plugger Duck Brown, the over-the-silo kicking ability of Billy Brainless and the pack-marking courage of Carey.

 

Nathan “The Third Coming” Ablett finally broke free of the tactical straight jacket imposed by Bomber and the Geelong brains trust, for whom freedom for a free spirit is sacrilege. For the first time in his career Nathan ran around the forward line and flew for marks with the sort of confidence that is surely imprinted in every one of his genes, but for two years has been stifled. Not surprisingly, he finished with a lazy 5 goals, and could have had many more. Nathan should just ignore what Bomber says and simply go home every night and listen at the feet of his father, from whom he will glean 1,000 times more football wisdom than he ever would at Unskilled Stadium. In addition, he should also seek enlightenment on the one subject on which his old man cannot educate him – playing in premierships. Unfortunately, if he is looking for anyone in Geelong who can speak on this topic there is only Bob Davis left these days. So Nathan should just blank out a week in his diary and listen to the usual 7-day monologue on 1963 from Bobby.

 

Nathan: The Third Coming

 

Hawkins-Ablett-Mooney is clearly (potentially) the best forward line combination at Geelong since Brownless, Stoneham and The Great Man lined up together. And in Gary Junior they have the best midfield delivery mechanism since Garry Hocking. We only hope that Gary Junior gets the ball before Cameron Ling does, otherwise the Tomahawk and the Third Coming will have to lead out to the wing and the half-back flank, then run to within15 metres of Ling in order to accept his piss-weak chip kicks.

 

Carlton, meanwhile has taken only two rounds to demonstrate what footballinvective.com boldly predicted after their NAB Cup “triumph”. Bryce Gibbs must surely be homesick already and before the season is out is likely to be longing to return to Adelaide, where he can play for a decent side. Expect to see him resplendent in a Crows guernsey as soon as his Blues contract expires. You heard it here first.

 

In another triumph for the talent-spotting abilities of footballinvective.com, another son of a legend, Brett Ebert, kicked 5 for Port Power, a team that is re-building faster than Dresden in 1946. Unlike the Geelong game “plan”, we do not need to worry about Ebert not being allowed to play his natural game, as Chocko is still a disciple of fast-running, kick-long efficient football to match Ebert’s aerial prowess. Another stand-out for was Nathan Krakouer, yet another offspring of a famous football family (or should that be ‘family’ in the Corleone sense of the word?). Krakouer junior took over from the razzle dazzle of Danyle Pearce and S. Burgoyne last week, and just as it only took one decent quarter from Collingwood to finish off the Roos last week, one final quarter of brilliance from little Krakouer was sufficient to have the Mutt wondering just how soon it will be before he takes a walk down Errol St to the North Melbourne Lost Dogs Home.

 

In this his fifth season as Chief Canine, footballinvective.com looks back in incredulity at his record in attempting to (re-) build North Melbourne as the premier Victorian footballing force. Instead of the Junkyard Mutt dominating like Inspector Rex whenever the evil forces conspire to disturb world peace, or winning federal elections like Hayden’s drover’s dog, the Mongrel has butchered the club’s fortunes worse than a feral Alsatian on PCP.

 

After THAT ignominious defeat against flagrant also-rans Collingwood (where he was again out-thought and out-witted by an ex-master) and a predictable loss to the former North bunnies, Port Adelaide, it is TIME that Laidley be shown the cat flap by the powers-that-be at Arden Street, with a few air rifle pot shots aimed in his general direction from Wayne Carey’s brother probably not a bad idea either.

 

Since 2003 and Laidley’s first season as head coach, footballinvective.com records (and laments) the following catalogue of Mutt calamity:

 

Firstly, Laidley’s coaching career contrasts neatly with that of his ex-captain, ex-WCE teammate and quite possibly the meanest mofo ever to play this brutal yet brilliant game, Woosha. Footballinvective.com has noted previously that Woosha has never failed to make the finals in any of his seasons as coach (or captain) at West Coast. The manner in which the Indian Ocean Pretty Boys withstood the Swans onslaught in the final quarter of the 2006 Grand Final is testament to Worsfold’s abilities, which must be considerable given that, at the moment, he is simultaneously juggling five jobs, namely:

·         coaching a football team

·         running a profitable South Perth pharmacy franchise

·         acting as Chief Parole Officer for the WA Corrections Department

·         taking a crash course in Drug Abuse Counselling and Rehabilitation

·         chaperoning Daniel Kerr and/or Ashley Sampi on any club-approved dates with the fairer sex

 

Secondly, in the past three seasons, the Mutt has discarded no less than 4 top-30 draft picks for Nathan Thompson and Jonathan Hay, both of whom at their best were nothing more than good ordinary players (although both won numerous gongs in miscellaneous events such as Cleo Bachelor of the Year and the International Loreal Spray Tan Contest). In canine cuisine terms, the Mutt traded in choice Dryburgh Street eye fillet for stale dog biscuits and has seriously curtailed the Kangaroos’ potential for onfield growth over the short to medium term. Whilst Jon Hay’s plight is both unfortunate and inopportune, surely the Kangaroos brains trust should have done its homework on what was once its huge advantage over other teams – the genius for the creative player trade. On the other hand, Thompson offers no more or no less than did Saverio Rocca, who fled the scourge of the Mutt’s perpetual scapegoating and is now punting Domino’s pizzas 70 yards for the Cologne Centurions in front of crowds of 1,000 blonde mullets, a band of skinheads and various Hasselhoff wannabes in NFL Europe.

 

Thirdly, how/why did North pass on Rocket Eade when searching for a coach in 2002? Eade was a coach with a proven record at the Swans, familiar with the North set-up after his time as an assistant to Beelzebub Pagan and has now taken the Western Bulldogs into an era of unprecedented excitement after the let-down of the Plow colberting, the departure of Dr. Pink, and the less said the better about Peter Rohde.

 

Finally, think of all the other miscellaneous Liadley blunders during his era of ignominy:

·         His insistence on a universal DOBM recruitment programme (as highlighted ad nauseum by footballinvective.com)

·         The recruitment of Jade Rawlings (the interbreeding of a failed Bulldog with a failed Junkyard Dog)

·         The de-listing of Troy Makepeace at the end of 2006 - sacrilege

·         The nepotism of the Shane Harvey trade (and the Jade Rawlings trade, now that we think of it)

·        The recruitment of Lance Picioane – continuing the bizarre Laidley recruiting policy of converting Arden Street into the new home ground of the Hawthorn reserves (Nick Holland and John Barker retired one season too soon).

 

Whilst footballinvective.com could never have hoped to match the prowess of Wayne Carey on the field (or in the bathroom), this year footballinvective.com pledges to match, nay exceed, the efforts of Carey in continuing to call for regime change in the Roo coaches box. Once this is achieved, we hope Carey will join us as we then turn our sites on those members of the club board who dream of spending quality time with Mercedes Corby and her ilk on the Gold Coast (former South Australian batsman turned TV host – You know who you are).

 

 

BruceWatch, Part 1: In the first installment of a new series on footballinvective.com, we are now keeping a record of Bruce MacAvaney’s most banal and ponderous utterances in the Channel 7 commentary box. Not surprisingly, Bruce did not disappoint this week. He told us in the Saints-Brisbane game that “If Ross Lyon loses tonight, his winning percentage will drop from 100% to 50%.” Insightful stuff there from Bruce. Then, with 6 minutes left in the Dons-Freo game and the Dockers trailing by 16 points, he came up with this pearler: “Fremantle – they need to get a goal in the next minute or two you feel.” Yep, more genius from the Professor there. Probably his most bleeding-obvious comment since the Opening Ceremony of the 2000 Olympics, when he told us that the TV audience was “3.7 billion – that’s more than 3 billion.” Nice one Bruce.

 

Sitting next to Bruce in the box on Thursday night was Dennis Commetti, who must surely be feeling that “why must I work with amateurs” sense of frustration at sitting in a place where his talent is clearly wasted, and he is surrounded by those with manifestly lesser ability. Dennis Commetti at Channel 7 is like Robert De Niro performing in a stage production by the Darebin Homeless Person’s Community Theatre. Surely he would have been better off at Channel 10, where Blighty is dying for a fellow maestro to keep him company.

 

When we weren’t driven to drink by Bruce’s commentary, the Dons-Freo game was actually a triumph of attacking, entertaining football. Mark McVeigh brought back memories of Peter Bosustow’s Goal of the Year of 1981 by brilliantly dispossessing his opponent then swiveling around to slam through the goal. However, as if to embody the difference in the two football eras, McVeigh’s effort was done with clinical efficiency, as if he was reading straight from a coaching manual, and without all the mustachioed lair flair and flagrantly excessive celebrations of Bosustow (who was memorably bowled over by a Wayne Johnston cuddle two seconds later, in contrast with McVeigh’s low-key pat on the back from Hirdy). After two losses in a row in what he thought would be “The Year”, Angry Docker Fan will surely be worried. The Dockers face the Eagles next week, and Anxious Docker Fans will be hoping that the club escapes with no casualties from this next skirmish in the War on Drugs.

 

Finally, a special mention this week goes to Herald Sun football writer Daryl Timms, who this week argued that Waverley Park should never have been closed. Footballinvective.com spent its formative years growing up in the Waverley Park rainbelt, and has always had a soft spot for the old grey lady (seeing it in ruins in the Daicos Toyota ad brought a tear to our eye), so full marks to Timms for flying the flag for this piece of football history. In particular, we like some of the metaphors that Timms has employed:

 

The AFL ditching the ground was a bit like a man trading in his wife for a younger trophy bride -- a new stadium with a retractable roof at the Docklands.

 

…how many times did the spin doctors say it was an ageing stadium? So was the MCG, but the AFL's commitment to future matches there has seen new stands built. Lord's is also an ageing ground, but should that historic English cricket ground be bulldozed?

 

It just goes to show that absence truly can make the heart grow fonder – who would have thought that Waverley Park could ever be compared to Lord’s! Having visited both Lord’s and the remains of Waverley Park in 2006, footballinvective.com searched in vain for similarities, and having seen the new “Mini McMansion” housing now being built in the old car park, can certainly confirm that the real estate of Mulgrave does not exactly compare to that of St John’s Wood.

 

Footballinvective.com at Lord’s

Footballinvective.com at Waverley – Spot the Difference

 

 

Mulgrave & St John’s Wood – hard to pick

 

 

Hero of the Week: David Wirrpunda – whilst the rest of his team has been busy this pre-season trying out their best Renton impersonations in auditions for the new Perth Theatre Company production of ‘Trainspotting’, (with Daniel Kerr odds-on to take the role of Begby) it was refreshing to see an Eagle perform a memorable act on the field, rather than trying to out-do Britney Spears off it. An early contender for Goal of the Year.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Tom Hawkins - Potential with a Capital “P” is written all over the young man. Unfortunately, since 2004 we’ve seen just what Bomber Thompson and his boys do with potential. The same thing that Daniel Kerr does with taxi cab aerials.

 

Clanger of the Week: Bruce McAvaney – It was only a matter of time, but his two comments this week take the cake. Clangers like that are impossible to ignore, and just like a late night text message from Shane Warne, we can be certain there will be plenty more of them to come.