Grand Final Week, 2006

 

 

The football season still  has one week to go, but the final siren has blown on the South Australian dream, and the black armbands are out at footballinvective.com, as the Fat Lady sings on its pre-season prediction that 2006 would be a year of Crow glory, much to the dismay of all South Australians:

 

 

It is a sad day for football, for when South Australia loses, AUSTRALIA loses. There are many metaphors that could be used to describe such a crushing blow, but Malcolm Blight probably came up with the best one when he described the Crows preliminary final loss as being like "dancing with your sister":

DUAL Adelaide premiership coach Malcolm Blight described Adelaide's preliminary final loss as like "dancing with your sister – you might be learning something but you aren't getting anywhere".

Just like 2005, this season has been one in which the triumvirate of West Coast, Sydney and Adelaide were the only teams with enough class to be a realistic chance to win the flag. However, their chances of doing so are largely dependent on who they come up against. Sydney know that they have the wood over West Coast, whilst they have not beaten the Crows once in the past two seasons. West Coast know they can beat the Crows, but the Swans are now their bogey team. Adelaide, meanwhile, have struggled against the Eagles but can easily beat the Swans. Last year the Crows would have beaten the Swans in the Grand Final but they could not get past their nemesis team to earn a crack at the Poultry. Just like a tennis player in a Grand Slam who faces Roger Federer in the semi final, the Crows in the past two seasons have faced their biggest hurdle in the second-last game, and each time would have been confident that if they had overcome that hurdle, they would have taken the title.

 

Comparisons are already being made with 2002-2003, when Collingwood and Brisbane met in back-to-back Grand Finals. These comparisons are apt, given that in both those seasons, an under-achieving South Australian team (Port Power) also failed to make it to the big one. However, the comparison ends there, for whilst Port managed to choke against the full range of opponents, the Crows have not had a chance to prove themselves by coming up against the Swans in September.

 

However, just as Chocko Williams was left to lament two squandered seasons after finals fade-outs in 2002 and 2003, Neil Craig now faces exactly the same dilemma after the events of Septembers 2005 and 2006. And just as Chocko surely would not have survived the wrath of Allan Scott and co. had it happened 3 years in a row, Craig will surely be facing the music if he can't improve this record next year. The Crows were unlucky this year (though we hesitate to follow the example of Grant Thomas by using the all-purpose "robbed by injuries" excuse to absolve them) but their window of opportunity to win a flag is inexorably closing, and will only be open for one more year, if that.

 

Prior to the big game, South Australian parochialism has reared its resplendently handsome head once again, with comments by Leigh Whicker, ECO of the SANFL spoke of the wonders of Moron Park in footballinvective.com's favourite newspaper, the mighty Adelaide Advertiser:

$70m footy boost

 

AAMI Stadium will receive a $70 million facelift over the next five years in one of the biggest redevelopments of the arena since it opened in 1974

 

A range of player, spectator and corporate facilities are set for improvement under the plan drawn up by SANFL Executive Commissioner Leigh Whicker.

 

'"We have been here for 30 years - it's the home of football and more recently the home of the Crows and the Power - and let there be no mistake we'll be here for the next 30 years," Mr Whicker said.

 

He dismissed calls for a to build a new "superstadium" in South Australia and said the spectator experience at AAMI was the best in Australia.

 

"There's no venue in Australia whether it be Subiaco, the Gabba or wherever where thousands of families gather for the event with their picnics, their shelters and their BBQs and the carnival atmosphere.

 

"There's no venue in Australia that holds 4000 people (such as at the Crows Shed) that can rub shoulders with their heroes after a game.

 

"This is a unique experience here."

Footballinvective.com agrees wholeheartedly with Mr Whicker, custodian of the most prestigious job in football, after it partook in the delights of a pre-grame bbq in the Max Basheer Reserve in its recent pilgrimage to Footy Park. There truly is no other experience like it:

 

Car Park BBQ: The unique South Australian tradition

 

Sadly, however, the unsurpassed excellence of the SA pre-game experience was not matched on the field. In the end Adelaide was denied Grand Final glory by the combination of en epidemic of injuries, a (finally) functional Eagles forward line, and a field umpire (Goldspink, take a bow) who performed like he was on a payroll of an Italian Serie A match-fixer.

 

McLeod and the Birdman returned (below), but Roo was still on the sidelines recovering from his bout of girl germs (or whatever the mysterious illness was that he contracted on his fishing trip in the Riverlands).

 

McLeod and Birdman - Pride of SA

 

The Eagles returned to the finest days of Porn United, as their midfield put on a orgy of lascivious physical prowess, with Ben "Only with First" Cousins and Dean "Big Cox" dominating, as the porn stars found the key to overcoming the Crows midfield by handing out handjobs willy nilly - a total of 180 handballs for the game. But this time the midfield was finally complemented by a functional forward line, spearheaded by Quentin "The Big Unit" Lynch" and Adam "Rogue Elephant" Hunter.

 

Just as Neil Craig made his biggest coaching clanger of 2005 when he chose to put half his forward line on Nick Riewoldt in the Qualifying Final, he should spend the 2006-2007 off-season contemplating what may well go down as an equally significant clanger this time round, namely the omission from the Preliminary Final side of Ken "The Answer" MacGregor. Unlike half the Crows side, MacGregor was not laid out by injury or bad form, but was deemed to not be a "good fit" into the game plan that Craig had in mind. However, in light of the way the game panned out, MacGregor's absence proved fatal for the Crows, for numerous reasons. Their inability to kick goals in the second half could easily have been foreseen, given that the Birdman needed back-up in his first game back after tearing a breast fillet in Round 18, and Ian "Kryptonite Boots" Perrie was still kicking as clumsily as a member of the Victorian Armed Robbery Squad. Accordingly, footballinvective hereby presents its Letterman-style Top 10 Crows questions to which Neil Craig had no answer:

 

10. Who was the back-up big man to replace Rhett Biglands after he went off injured?

 

9. Why couldn't the Crows take a mark inside 50 in the second half?

 

8. Why was Quentin Lynch taking uncontested chest marks?

 

7. Who could provide aerial support to the underdone Birdman in his first game in 7 weeks?

 

6. Who was left to run with Big Cox after Matthew Clarke ran out of gas?

 

5.  Who could nullify Adam "Rogue Elephant" Hunter and compensate for Nathan Bassett giving away too much size and altitude to his opponents?

 

4. Who could have shown some true old-style South Australian PASSION after the game by doing the only decent thing and lynching the arseclown umpire?

 

3. Who was there to smash Darren "In case of emergency break" Glass, when a real emergency occurred in the Crows forward line late in the game?

 

2. Who could be the modern-day Darren Jarman who could be switched to full-forward and snatch the Prelim Final after the opposition got 3 goals up in the last quarter? 

 

1. Who could compensate for Scott Welsh's Samson-like demise ever since he cut off his mullet?

 

As we all know, the Answer to each of these questions is the same. For there can be only one Answer. And he wasn't there.

McGregor: Absent Answer

 

In a season disfigured by Arseclown umpiring, the Prelim Final was undoubtedly the low-light. Two last quarter "efforts" stand out. First, an appallingly bad centre bounce, which barely bounced two metres in height but about 10 metres the wrong way, straight into the arms of an unattended and clearly startled Eagles midfielder. But instead of recalling the ball and bouncing it properly (as field umpires are always doing when boundary umps stuff-up a throw-in) the arseclown umpire allowed the game to continue, thus allowing the Eagles to commence a passage of play that led directly to a goal. Secondly, after Bode put the Crows within 4 points and the ball returned for the final centre bounce of the day, the same arseclown chose to ruin what could have been the greatest finish of the year. Picture this: in the second-biggest match of the year (or fourth biggest if you count the two Showdowns) the match was up for grabs with less than a kick the difference and under 30 seconds left. The ball had just fallen to Simon Goodwin, in the clear and about to pump the ball deep into the Crows forward line. But instead of allowing the players to do what they do best and set up an epic finish, this arseclown chose to ruin such a climax by pulling a completely imaginary free kick out of his posterior and penalise a Crows player for sneezing within 20 metres of an Eagle opponent (or some other equally minor transgression). Neither the TV commentators, 50,000 rabid South Australians, or even the most optimistic of Western Australian viewers could see what the free kick was for, and thus the arseclown denied the football world another epic finish to a Preliminary Final. This is yet another example of the decline in standards inflicted by one of Comrade Dimetriou's witless apparatchiks and his regime in general. One thing's for sure - such conduct would not have been tolerated under South Australian patriot Wayne Jackson.

 

Not surprisingly, the South Australian crowd turned with a vengeance, but real justice was not done. If it was, then the Windy Hill brawl of 1974 would have paled in comparison to the Footy Park brawl of 2006, in which the unfortunate arseclown umpire just happened to get trampled in the stampede of 50,000 hopping made Crow fans. Alternatively, a posse of the more audacious and unforgiving breed of Crow fan (is there any other?) could have laid in wait for him at Adelaide International Airport, bailed him up as he walked across the tarmac to the plane (no air bridges yet for the greatest city in the world) and then whisked him off to a nice big barrel with his name on it up in Snowtown. Rough justice for arseclowns - SA style.

 

In the other prelim final, the Heave Ho were exposed by the tactical prowess of the Swans, who in 18 months have gone from the one-dimensional swamp to the ultra-versatile Men for All Seasons in their ability to adapt and modify their game plan. Paul Roos' tactical versatility was best illustrated by Ryan O'Keefe - he bamboozled the Dockers as the defensive play-maker, only to simultaneously bob up as the forward line secret weapon, where he booted four of the best.

 

Ryan O'Keefe: Football Royalty

 

The match was also "highlighted" by some particularly lame commentary from Tim Lane, who when Peter Bell was running in for goal described him as "not a noted goalkicker". Either Lane was confusing Peter Bell with Aaron Sandilands (about as plausible as that description of Bell) or he hasn't watched a Dockers game in the last 5 years. Lane has well and truly thrown his hat into the ring for the Mike Sheahan Medal for Clanger of the Year by the lesser football media, and with clangers like that, must surely be attracting the eye of Channel 7 recruiters for when they get the TV rights back next year.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Ryan "Princess Mary" O'Keefe. As Her Royal Danish Highness discovered some time prior to the 2000 Olympics, O'Keefe is a versatile performer who can demonstrate his prowess in any position.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Bret Burton (first half only).

 

Clanger of the Week: Umpire Darren Goldspink - Proved once again that the standard of accountability needs to be increased for arseclown umpires. Footballinvective.com has long advocated that umpires' full names and home addresses should be printed on their shirts. Then they might think twice about ruining a last-minute climax to a huge final. But after an "effort" such as this, not even that is enough. It should no longer be "back to the bush" for dud umpires, but off the hastily-erected gallows at the bottom of Rundle Mall.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Grand Final Preview

 

And then there were two. Many comparisons have been made between the two teams this year and last year, but as far as the Eagles are concerned, only one comparison really matters: In - Lynch, Out - Gardiner.

 

Porn United will be hoping for big shot of Viagra from their pharmacist coach, and a huge climactic money shot with which to end its season. Chris Studd, Ben "Only with First" Cousins, Daniel "Big Wayne" Kerr, Daniel "Bangs" Chick and Dean "Big" Cox are all primed to get it on, but the most important player may prove to be Adam "Rogue Elephant" Hunter, who finally holds the key to overcoming the Eagle's lack of (on-field) scoring power. Just like Orgasmo had to deal with his long-time nemesis Neuterman, the Eagles must overcome the ability of the Swans unit that has so far been impervious to their virile powers. 

 

Whilst Chris Studd is able to perform at his uber-best against the flooded Sydney midfield, Cousins and Kerr usually find the going much tougher. The only other Eagles player who has consistently broken loose from the Swans' grip has been Big Cox, who has stood tall whilst others around him have flopped. After all, it takes more than a cold shower from the Sydney swamp to keep a Big Cox down. Furthermore, the battle of minds between Worsfold and Roos is akin to that of Dirk Diggler and Jack Horner in "Boogie Nights" - the latter's brain power clearly eclipses the former, despite the impressive equipment that the former brandishes elsewhere. 

 

So it's back-to-back flags for the Bloods as far as footballinvective.com is concerned. What a pity that so many real footy fans won't get the chance to see it.

 

The Grand Final is the biggest day of the year, but as usual, it will be an experience which is out of reach of the average battler footy fan. Once again, the crowd at the MCG will be largely comprised of corporate spivs, sponsors and “theatre-goers” attending their one game of the year, where they get to look and act totally out of place amongst the minority of real fans who managed to get in.

 

More than 23,000 seats are allocated to the Melbourne Cricket Club, which despite boasting that it is "arguably the biggest sporting club in the world" can never fill all its seats at the greatest game in the world. A further 5000 seats now are allocated to the $5000-a-year Medallion Club members.

 

Furthermore, each of the 16 clubs gets an allocation of 1,000 tickets which they then on-sell to the corporate spiv market, often in package deals worth over $1,500 each, in what can only be described as legalised scalping. After all the other "sponsor obligations" are accounted for, barely 20,000 tickets are left for real football fans - the members of the competing clubs.

 

It's no wonder players such as Nathan Buckley have said the best atmosphere for football is at the preliminary final, where the crowd is full of real supporters who actually support the two teams. Last weekend's preliminary final in Adelaide had a crowd half the size of a grand final, but it had twice the atmosphere, given that twice as many members of the competing teams would have been there.

 

Each year Andrew "Comrade" Demetriou and the AFL face this issue, and each year they choose to hang real footy fans out to dry. Instead of a Grand Final crowd full of passionate battlers, they would rather have one comprised of indifferent spivs. Demetriou professes to be an adherent of left-wing values, yet his attitude is typical of socialist regimes throughout history: they all turn out to be more interested in preserving the privileges of the ruling elite and its mates rather than empowering the battlers, whom they all despise anyway.

 

Let the War Begin.

 

 

Tips:

 

Margin: Sydney by 16

Norm Smith Medallist: Ryan "Princess Mary" O'Keefe

Cult Figure of the Grand Final: Ted Richards (the next Tony Evans/Shane Ellen/Ted Hopkins unheralded player who stars in a Grand Final)

Clanger of the Grand Final: Darren Jolley - what is the bloke thinking? He can always have another kid anyway, and unlike the Grand Final, it's not like he has any influence over the outcome by attending the birth. 

First Goal: Quentin "The Big Unit" Lynch

Attendance: 94,601 (lots of MCC and spiv no-shows as they once again show their love for the great game)