The Cousins Incident

 

 

Footballinvective.com is back in 2006 - bigger, bolder and more brazen. Bigger than a Wayne Carey third leg in Archer's bathroom; bolder than the evening attire of Chris Judd's girlfriend; and more brazen than Byron Pickett's shirtfronts and Leigh Colbert's ethics combined.

 

Footballinvective.com hereby presents its first offering for Season '06, featuring a  Benz, a Brownlow Medallist, and THAT booze bus.

 

There have been certain times in the history of football when the "silly season" throws up a hugely newsworthy incident that just captures the public's imagination and dominates the media.

 

In 1991 it was The Great Man announcing his brief retirement, only to return four months later.

 

In 1997 it was Blighty's purge of team luminaries at the Crows that had shocked South Australians likening him to Stalin at the height of his madness, but by the end of the season worshipping him like Churchill on VE Day.

 

In 2002 it was Wayne "Toilet Duck" Carey with the most controversial incident to happen in a bathroom since Toby Montana faced the chainsaws in 'Scarface'. Never before has the Melbourne media whipped itself into such a frenzy, with the highlight for footballinvective.com being the devastated Roo fan who rang 3AW talkback and proclaimed: "I can't believe it. It's all too much. First September 11 - and now THIS."

 

In 2006 Ben Cousins has stepped forward with a uniquely gossip-worthy performance. Unfortunately for Cousins, his timing could not have been better - right in the middle of that media vacuum that occurs between the end of the cricket season and the start of the pre-season comp, when newspapers will shamelessly beat-up any football-related story in order to fill their empty pages. He was thus guaranteed maximum exposure for his late night athletic pursuits. Not since O.J. Simpson and his Ford Bronco has an incident involving a sportsman, a four-wheel drive and a freeway caused such an uproar.

  

However, just like OJ, Cousins is entitled to a presumption of innocence. It would be callous and wrong to automatically impute any illegality into his actions. He may well have a perfectly innocenct explanation for his late night runner.

 

Footballinvective.com is as a reputable media outlet, and prides itself on dealing only in fact, and not engaging in rumour or speculation. However, on this occasion we are appalled by the hatchet-job done on Cousins by the lesser football media, who have automatically assumed he is guilty of some wrongdoing. We also feel a need to stand up for ex-pat Victorians who live in the most moronic state in Australia. After all, those sandgropers have excused Mal Brown’s behaviour for the last 30 years. Accordingly, footballinvectiv.com hereby presents its Letterman-style Top 10 possible reasons why Ben Cousins did a runner:

 

10. He was so appalled by the interior build quality of the American-built Mercedes-Benz M Class that he stormed out in disgust. “Curse that Daimler-Chrysler merger”, he was heard to mutter as he fled the scene.

 

9. One of his mates took the idea of an in-car dutch oven one step too far.

 

8. He was following Serena Williams on her motorbike and just couldn’t stand it anymore:

 

7. He was driving through the suburb where Chris Judd’s girlfriend lives, and suddenly remembered that Judd was out of town.

 

6. The warning sign on the side of the road said “Police Now Targeting: Bad Haircuts” and he knew he’d have no chance.

 

5. Whilst driving home from an evening watching the last day-nighter on TV at a mate’s place, he suddenly realised he’d left his talking Boonie behind, and had to run back and get it.

 

4. He’d just attended a Perth A-list party and kindly offered Rose Hancock a lift home. When Rose leaned over from the passenger side and started beckoning suggestively towards the back seat, he just had to bail out.

 

3. His mates put on the latest Casey Donovan CD on the car stereo, and he just had to bail.

 

2. He thought the booze bus was a giant Mr Whippy van. He’s had nightmares about Mr Whippy vans since one ran him over as a little kid, and he suddenly had a giant flashback.

 

1. He was listening to the news on his car radio and when he heard that Bruce McAvaney would be hosting the next Brownlow night, he just had to end it all there. “Why couldn’t it be Dennis?!” were his plaintive last words.

 

 

And finally, footballinvective.com hereby presents a compilation the best of the Cousins-related humour to have done the rounds by email this week: