Round 21, 2006

 

 

In a week which included a Showdown, a Western Derby, and Fremantle becoming premiership favourites, all of these events were unfortunately overshadowed by cricket's equivalent of the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man, Daryl Hair, who tried to make an offer that the ICC couldn't refuse.

Umpire in quit-for-cash shock

 

BESIEGED Australian umpire Darrell Hair looks to have stood in his last Test as a result of revelations he demanded $660,000 to abandon his cricket career in the wake of the ball-tampering scandal.

 

The quit-for-cash revelations rocked the cricket world, but Hair yesterday told the Sunday Herald Sun it "wasn't a spur of the moment thing".

 

Speaking from a secret location in England, Hair said the proposal was made as part of talks with cricket bosses.

Footballinvective.com believes in giving bone-headed sporting personalities the benefit of the doubt when they commit rolled-gold clangers, so we can only assume that it was a case of mistaken identity by Umpire Hair, who must have thought that Dave the Bookmaker was on the other end of the line. Perhaps when he quits cricket umpiring he will become a referee in the Italian Serie A (or maybe a club official at Juventus, whichever proves more lucrative in the brown paper stakes). The Juventus board is understood to be “very impressed” by his recent display of initiative.

 

Umpire Daryl Hair - Burn Baby Burn

 

At the MCG on Saturday night, 35 players got A-reserve tickets to the Matty Richardson show – 9 goals and 19 marks in a vintage display which brought back memories for footballinvective.com of the glory days in which key forwards played one-out in contested marking duels and teams kicked long to designated spearheads. The injury list following the game confirmed a particularly high number of back injuries among the Essendon team. Coincidentally, they were all players who had helped to chair Dean "the Flying Pudding" Rioli off the ground after his 100^th career game.

 

Carlton also brought back some traditional values to football this week by starting the best all-in brawl since Richi Vandenberg and Dermott Brereton started the “no one calls us pretty boys anymore” brawl against the Dons in 2004. Lance Whitnall meanwhile is settling into his new backline role and this week came up against the only player in the AFL who could beat him in a pizza eating comp – Anthony Rocca.

 

In other news that may be of interest to Carlton, the Government announced a new policy this week: Jobless offered $5000 to move. Perhaps Dennis Pagan could take up this offer and pocket the cash to go coaching up bush somewhere, with his two resplendent wooden mementos of his time at Princes Park.

 

In Launceston, The Hawks and Roos showed how far they have both fallen by giving a guard of honour and “tribute” game for Jade Rawlings, who, like the two teams, is likely to be remembered for the underachieving nature of  his contribution over the past 5 years. The Junkyard Mutt played 3 ruckmen in what must surely be the zenith of his DOBM-centric coaching strategy and, as a result of this piece of strategic genius his team was unable to conjure a goal after 1/4 time. Now that Rawlings has retired, expect to see the Mutt go shopping for another second hand replacement DOBM to replenish his stocks - perhaps Stephen Queen might fit the bill.

 

Speaking of unreliable Geelong players, the Cats faced Melbourne at Unskilled Stadium and finally found a team just as fickle as themselves when it comes to choking in important games. The Dees blew a five goal half-time lead to 'escape' with a draw, in a match highlighted by Adman Yze once again out-lairising Josh Hunt (that's twice this year for young Hunt, who must surely have learned the lesson - LWA Doesn't Pay.)

 

Yze over Hunt - More lair flair

 

According to Ian Cover of the Coodabeens, Leigh Colbert was also spotted at Unskilled Stadium at the same match. It is a further indictment on Geelong supporters that he was able to leave unscathed.  If Cat fans truly believed in the word accountability then he would have been sharing the ambulance with Tom Lonergan (btw: gutsiest effort that footballinvective.com has seen all year). Colbert should be as welcome in Sleepy Hollow as Daryl Hair is in Islamabad right now. Consider the situation in relation to other players who have committed the crime of colberting. For example, there is no way that Nick Stevens would come out alive if he walked into Alberton these days, and Peter Moore is still afraid to drive down Swan Street, lest he has to stop at the lights outside the Lexus Centre and risk being set upon by feral pie fans (or, given Collingwood’s recent recruits to its supporter base, he also lives in fear of getting bailed up by suited types in Collins St and being swotted with a rolled up copy of the Fin Review).

 

Bomber Thompson didn’t have Cameron Mooney to play at the wrong end of the ground this week so compensated by doing the same with the game's greatest full back, Matthew Scarlett, starting him at full forward (the Aussie Rules equivalent of starting Ronaldinho at right back). Despite the vocal doubts of 23,000 bemused punters in attendance (including footballinvective.com) Bomber still managed to delude himself that it was a smart move:

Cats have much to draw strength from: Bomber

 

GEELONG coach Mark Thompson said his players could salvage plenty from yesterday's draw with Melbourne — a result that buried their 2006 chances once and for all...

 

Thompson's use of Matthew Scarlett in the forward line resulted in two goals but was not a resounding success with the regular full-back seeming many times like a fish out of water.

Thompson said he would have to "have another look at him next week I think before we can make a proper assessment."

 

"We probably need more than one week to have a look at him.

"The theory is that in future years, if the club ever needs someone to mark the ball forward, we've at least given it a try."

Despite the generally comical nature of this explanation, the funniest bit is surely the reference to "future years". Bomber Thompson talking about "future years" is a bit like Marcus Einfeld talking about a future judicial appointment.

 

As always, the most astute observors of the Geelong Football Club, the FGYs up the back of The Great Man terrace, summed up the situation perfectly when Scarlett ran down to full forward (to the collective groan of the the entire crowd) and the following conversation ensued:

 

FGY #1: “Hey Scarlett, get down the other end of the ground. F*ck the coach”

 

FGY #2: “No, don’t f*ck the coach. There’s been too much of that already this year. That’s why we’ve been so sh*t”.

 

Whilst on the subject of Bomber's fate, it was good to see the front page story in The Rage this week, which finally latched onto what footballinvective.com began saying since Round 9, a full 13 weeks ago:

Claws out for Cats coach

 

MARK Thompson's future at Geelong is under a cloud after key senior players and some of their managers told the club that the coach had lost the support of most of the team.

 

The Rage has learned that an in-depth review being carried out by Geelong chief executive Brian Cook has been highly critical of aspects of Thompson's performance.

 

At least five leading AFL player agents, along with the Cats' leadership group, have been interviewed by Cook, who has said that the entire football department, including the coach, was being reviewed.

 

According to at least three prominent player managers, Thompson has lost the respect of players and has not helped his cause by poor communication skills with his team.

 

According to reports in the lesser football media this week, Geelong is rumoured to be considering several untried assistant coaches to replace Bomber. Names mentioned have included Daryn Cresswell and John “the Horse” Longmire, but given the problems that Bomber has experienced this year, the last thing Geelong needs is a coach called Horse.

 

Geelong needs a proven performer, with a record of success, an affinity for the club and a zero tolerance approach to the all-pervasive defeatism that dominates the city. Given that the Kangaroos appear to have forsaken the opportunity, Geelong should Bring Back Blighty. Three losing Grand Finals in six years in his first stint as Cats coach can only mean one thing: Unfinished Business. And as the latest Toyota ad shows, he’s still in peak physical and mental condition:

 

 

A Malcolm Blight comeback to Geelong would be the equivalent of Napoleon's return to Paris from Elba, or Nelson Mandela's triumphant return to Cape Town from Robben Island, and would be guaranteed to whip the normally apathetic citizens of Geelong into similarly hysterical frenzy of excitement. The ultimate outcome (and ultimate sporting fantasy for footballinvective.com) would be for Blighty to complete his unfinished business by leading the Cats to September glory, and in the process knocking out St Kilda in a big final, thus gaining the ultimate Count of Monte Christo-style revenge on Grant Thomas and Rod Butterss. Hopefully, this triumph will also include over-running the Saints in the last quarter with a modern day variation on the classic Darren Jarman-Jamie Shanahan match up from the '97 Grand Final. What this match-up will be, nobody knows, not even footballinvective.com. We may purport to possess exclusive insights into the football world, but not even footballinvective.com would purport to pre-empt the work of a veritable football genius such as Blighty.

 

Dockermania is running wild Perth after Freo stitched up the Eagles in the Western Derby -  a match which WA sports fans were saying was the biggest sporting event ever in their state – bigger even than when Alan Bond won the America’s Cup. When asked this week if he thought the America’s Cup was bigger, Bondy simply replied that he couldn’t remember.

 

But even this match paled into insignificance compared to the real match of round – Showdown XXI, in which Port Adelaide re-discovered his passion and its collective gonads to knock off its arch rivals. The game was won by a “who’s who” of Port cult figures, including:

• Dominic Cassisi – on the basis of this week's performance, now clearly a staring midfielder. The SA faithful were slow to embrace a sandgroper amongst their ranks, but Cassisi has proven himself to be a red-blooded Port man at heart. If any doubt was required, just look at the replay of his insulting gestures to Crows fans in the crowd after his 50 metre penalty and goal in the last quarter. And, needless to say, over a year before the lesser football media acknowledged his prowess, footballinvective.com had identified him first, way back during our pilgrimage to Moron Park in Round 7, 2005, where he was rightly named Cult Figure of the Week.

• Ryan Willets – the latest Port cult figure. A big rough nut who looks like he stepped straight up from the back streets of Salisbury. In the finest Port tradition. Could this man be the next “Grave Danger"... ?

• Chad Cornes – Priceless "up-yours gestures to Crows fans (repeatedly) late in the last quarter, with some more gratuitous comments thrown into the after match interview, just to run t in to the Crows fans even more: “Besides the Grand Final that was the sweetest win I’ve ever been involved in”

• Stewart Dew – waddled his way to a crucial goal in the last quarter and burned off his more flee-footed opponent who failed to keep his footing when confronted by Dew's physical prowess.

The Crows, meanwhile, have now slumped to their lowest level since Gary Ayres was coaching them, with an injury list longer than the set of a Chuck Norris movie, and talk of a ‘mystery illness’ that has laid waste to the Roo:

Mystery illness has Crows in a fever

 

THE mystery virus that has left Adelaide captain Mark Ricciuto desperately ill in bed — and the Crows' premiership hopes just as sick — may not only ruin this finals campaign but potentially upset his next season.

 

Reports spread yesterday like a malarial plague that Ricciuto's illness was, in fact, Ross River Fever, a debilitating mosquito-born virus the player could have contracted on a recent river fishing trip near his home town of Waikerie.

Footballinvective.com does not believe the rumours of a "mystery illness", not does it believe that the Crows current slump is in any way attributable to the coaching of Neil "The Geius" Craig (whom we rightly consider to be infallible). There is surely some other explanation for their slump. And, of course, footballinvective.com is the first to exclusively reveal why the Crows are down, namely:

 

The entire playing list and coaching staff were abducted by aliens after Round 16. After the customary anal probes, the aliens performed several debilitating experiments on the bodies of Crows players, including pumping their blood stream full of Mogadon, reducing their eyesight so they cannot see beyond 30 metres, numerous injections of various muscle-relaxants, plus a high dose of anesthetic, to prevent them feeling the PAIN of losing a Showdown and being insulted by Chad Cornes.

 

Footballinvective.com's favourite newspaper the Adelaide Advertiser included a special feature item this week entitled Showdown Untold Stories, but it clearly is missing something given that it overlooked the alien abduction - the biggest untold story of all.

 

In addition to the feature articles produced by the Advertiser, the city of Adelaide produced more quality journalism this week with the return of the exlusive footballinvective.com gossip columnist "Miss Torrens":

 

This week the city of Adelaide recovers from yet another Showdown and half of the city is in deep concern over the Crows recent injury list. However, the social front of Adelaide football is hitting an all-time high, following Kane Cornes’ appearance on stage with Hugh Jackman at ‘The Boy from Oz’ performance last week, when Kane was pulled from the crowd at the show’s sold-out premiere performance (no doubt the real Peter Allen would have been taken quite a liking to Kane as well). It didn’t stop there for publicity-shy Kane as it was also announced that he and wife Lucy are expecting a baby boy due late September, timed perfectly for the Grand Final. They were obviously planning ahead and knew that Kane wouldn’t be too busy that week.

 

Speculation continues as to whether or not this third-generation Cornes will take on a respectable and traditional name that reflects the Adelaide Establishment pedigree of the Grandfather Graham and the Crows (Alistair, Maxwell or Hamilton, perhaps). Or, alternatively, will the baby end up with a name slightly more representative of its Port Adelaide heritage – Jaidyn or Dazza spring to mind. (… or maybe even Chad or Kane.)

Whilst on the topic of Port Adelaide and peroxide-haired bogans, a local real estate agent has said to have closed a deal with Jason Akermanis to purchase a beach-side property in the Holdfast Bay area, ie. in close proximity to the Glenelg Football Club. The questions about Jason’s playing future appear to have been answered. You heard it here first on footballinvective.com.

 

Whilst footballinvective.com has blown the whistle on Aker's plans for 2006, the man himself continues to shamelessly talk himself up, declaring this week that 9 Victorian clubs wanted him, but he wouldn't go to Carlton, which must be just devastating for Dennis, Lance and the boys:

Jason Akermanis queue grows to nine

 

JASON Akermanis wants to continue his AFL career only in Victoria, but he has declared Carlton isn't in the mix.

 

The Brisbane Lions exile said yesterday nine of the 10 Victorian clubs had expressed interest in trading for him.

The 29-year-old still has one year of his contract to run with the Lions but he said Brisbane had agreed to let him pick his club.

 

"And at the moment I don't know who that will be," Akermanis said, adding bottom-placed Carlton was not on his radar because it was too reliant on one player: full-forward Brendan Fevola.

Footballinvective.com has previously said all there is to say about Aker's humility, empathy and team spirit, so this week we leave the last word to Wayne Carey, who upon reading out the same article on Fox Footy this week simply shook his head and declared:

 

"He really does put the 'F' in flog"

 

 

Hero of the Week: Matty Richardson - A Harlem Globetrotter-style display as the big Tiger put on his own show.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Brett Ebert. Kicked 3 goals 3 in the Showdown and set up the sealer for Brendan Lade. After a couple of years of not giving him a regular run in the seniors, Chocko must now realise that Ebert junior is the future of Port. A tough, uncompromising and PASSIONATE son of a club legend – just like Chocko himself.

 

Clanger of the Week: The Sawyers Arms Hotel, Noble St Geelong - It may seem curious to nominate a pub for such an award, but the behaviour displayed by its proprietors this week simply cannot go unpunished. As is its usual custom, footballinvective.com was at the said pub this week to enjoy a few quiet ones before the Geelong-Demons game, but whilst propping up the front bar was appalled, nay flummoxed, to look up at the big plasma screen on the wall and see none other than the DVD of the 1989 Grand final, including even the medal presentation at the end, in which forlorn Geelong players looked on wistfully. This occurred in a pub full of Cat fans across the road from Unskilled Stadium on the day of a home game. Needless to say, this vindicates everything that footballinvective.com has ever said about the culture of defeatism at Geelong, which glorifies what ABC Tobin Brother and Geelong "supporter" Gerard Whately describes as “Brave, Gallant Heroic Defeat”.

 

Unfortunately, this culture of worshipping defeat obviously extends well beyond Mr Whately. When the local pub of Unskilled Stadium sees fit to inspire its loyal fans by showing re-runs of a Grand Final DEFEAT before a big game, something is clearly, incontrovertibly, horribly rotten in the state of Geelong. The equivalent at other teams would be Collingwood supporters gathering round to watch re-runs of Wayne Harmes in '79, or Eagles fans watching replays of Leo Barry before a big game. Footballinvective.com is in not doubt that the predominant emotion amongst such fans would surely be seething anger, and certainly not celebration of their team's “Brave, Gallant Heroic Defeat”.

 

Memo to the Sawyers Arms Hotel, Gerard Whately and other proponents of Sleepy Hollow defeatism (western disctrict squattocrats and the entire editorial staff of the Geelong Advertiser – you know who you are) – defeat is not something to glory in, it is something to regretted, hated, but above all learned from. Just think - Joe Stalin did not sit around in the Kremlin showing films to the Politburo of the Red Army’s “brave, gallant heroic defeats” in Minsk and Kiev and in ’41. Nor did Churchill seek to inspire the British people with stories of the “brave, gallant heroic defeat” at Dunkirk, when rousing entreaties to “fight them on the beaches” were much more fitting.

 

Geelong fans should rise up against this kind of defeatism, and show some of the fighting spirit that the Sawyers Arms lacks, by burning it to the ground as a warning to others, but also as a giant glowing beacon to Blighty, to guide him on his triumphant return to Kardinia Park.

 

Let the War Begin.

 

Sawyers Arms Hotel – Weak as Puss