Round 20, 2006

 

 

The big news in football this week was the rise and rise of Freo, with the Dockers now staking a claim to finally be taken seriously as an AFL franchise (no real CLUB would wear purple).

 

Footballinvective.com is eating humble pie after years of belittling coach Chris "Used Car Salesman" Connolly and captain Peter "colberter of Arden St/Satan wears a purple jumper" Bell, but credit where it's due, if for nothing more than once again exposing the frailty of the Over-Rated Football Club.

 

For long-suffering Freo supporters such as that keen reader of footballinvective.com, Angry Docker Fan, it's vindication time. From the look and sound of the cocky crowd at Subiaco on Saturday, Angry Docker Fans have become Arrogant Docker Fans, having assumed all the attributes of fans of successful teams – obnoxiously jeering the ORFC, applauding every opposition behind and venting their spleen at every opposition goal. For supporters not used to success it is understandable that they are getting a bit cocky. But they may be going a bit too far. After winning a mere seven games, their heads now seem to be swelling to the level of the Brisbane Lions supporters that footballinvective.com encountered at the 2004 Grand Final (well, at least the first half).

 

As for the under-achieving Saints, if there was any justice in the world, then Grant Thomas would now be picking up the phone to Corey McKernan to ask about life after football. 

 

There has been recent speculation emanating from Moorabbin  that Grant Thomas is going to ask Robert Harvey to retire at season's end. This is merely an attempt by Thomas to shore up his own position as head coach after another season of woeful Moorabbin non-achievement. He is, of course, acutely aware of the player power which led to the demise of the coaching careers of Sheldon, Alves, Watson and Blight, and the Rasputin-like role that Thomas himself played as football manager in utilising that player discontent to bring about the demise of the latter. This is also in keeping with the theory previously aired on footballinvective.com that his policy of rotating the captaincy amongst ever-younger players is all about preventing any real leadership emerging among the player group  that might challenge the consolidation of his own tenure, unfortunately with the blessing of Butterss.

 

Incidentally, it is the strong belief of footballinvective.com that Harvey should retire at season's end anyway, as belated penance for traitorous acts against Blighty, in a misguided attempt to try and grab  the premiership cup that eluded him in 1997 (last time we checked, we think Jars was still drinking West End out of it at the Largs Pier Hotel). 

 

Essendon lost to the Dawks in the “James Hird Tribute” match, where every kid under the age of 12 wearing a number 5 Essendon jumper got to run on the Telstra Dome turf before the game. This must have presented some logistical difficulties for the Dons, given that it would have meant four-fifths of crowd in attendance would have the stands to take the field.

 

Essendon's veritable Trabant midfield was carved up by the speed of the Hawthorn midfield, led by No Chance Bateman, and must have had cause to rue the decision to play Dean “The Flying Pudding” Rioli. Apparently Sheedy is nursing the Pudd to 100 games, but judging from the condition he was in, Rioli looked to be more interested in the 100 pies he appeared to have eaten during the week. Witnesses report that a clapped out black and red Trabant was seen being taken down Glenferrie Road in the early hours of Sunday morning before being torched outside Casey's nightclub by a gang of well-toned men, with manicured nails, the latest in hair styling and designer Diesel jeans.

 

West Coast once again showed that it is the football equivalent of Shane Warne vis-a-vis the Darryl Cullinan of Brisbane, as it once again stitched up the Lions at the Gabba. Quinton Lynch kicked 8 goals in classic DOBM performance for the Eagles. Footballinvective.com can reveal that this is exactly 8  more goals than Michael "Hydroponic" Gardiner managed in the '05 Grand Final. Retrospective clanger of the week goes to John Worsfold, for leaving Lynch out at the expense of Gardiner in the big game.

 

Collingwood narrowly escaped with the points against Port Power at Moron Park, in a match memorable for Alan Didak's last-minute winner, and a thermonuclear meltdown from Mick Malthouse, who inflicted grievous bodily harm on his headphones whilst viewers to the best coach tantrum seen in years. Some have speculated that Mick's volatility may be related to recent speculation about his health and future tenure at the Pies, but footballinvective.com can exclusively reveal the real reasons why, namely:

 

Top 10 reasons why Mick Malthouse REALLY spat the dummy

 

10. An innocent Port fan suggested to him that the Power should be able to wear its traditional black and white at its home game

 

9. Another Port Adelaide supporter said “Gosh, I bet you’d love to have Nick Stevens right now”

 

8. Eddie threatened to "bone" him if Collingwood lost

 

7. Someone told him that Chocko was putting on a better angry coach show in the box next door

 

6. He had just received an SMS from Chris Tarrant saying “Hey mate, Port Melbourne is really pumping tonight, come out for a few beers” 

 

5.  A Collingwood board member had just told him that David Cloke had a long-lost love child who Collingwood was now obliged to draft under the father-son rule. "Not another bl**dy Cloke" were the last words heard yelled into the headphones before they hit the deck

 

4. He saw daughter Christie on the boundary line being chatted up by Mark McGough (hmm, exactly why was McGough sacked by Collingwood….?)

 

3. Eddie had just told him that he has to do another sponsor promotion in which he appears on stage sitting in a revolving Volvo convertible looking like a goose

 

2. Eddie suggested that Mick could solve the Pies goal-kicking problems by recruiting Jason Akermanis next year

 

1. Footy Park security had just told him that his Lexus out in the car park was now up on blocks and had been stripped by feral Port fans. “Damn", said Mick, "that’s the fourth time in three seasons”

 

Down at Unskilled Stadium, the Cats once again managed to confound the football world by winning a game that:

a) they weren't expected to win; and 

b) didn't count anyway.

 

After the game, Bomber Thompson turned to a rarely cited page of the coaching excuses manual by claiming that the Cats' game plan had been leaked to opposition teams earlier in the year, as reported in the Hun the next day:

Cats' tactics fed to rivals

 

GEELONG coach Mark Thompson last night revealed he had been forced to alter his gameplan for the season after team tactics were leaked to opposition clubs.

 

The Cats claim former fitness coach Loris Bertolacci leaked the 100-page tactical document after he was sacked earlier this year.

When asked last night if he denied the Cats' claims, Bertolacci said: "No comment. I would love to talk about it, but I can't."

Unfortunately for Bomber, the leaking of such sensitive information extends further than opposition teams. A copy of the said document even ended up in the hands of footballinvective.com, who can now exclusively reveal the leaked tactics to the world: (click to enlarge)

 

As Melbourne desperately tried to shake off its annual August fade-out, it could count itself lucky that it was up against the Junkyard Mutt and the Roos this week. Thankfully for the Dees, another bag of four sausage rolls from Aaron Davey (as the perfect support act to the David Neitz goal machine) ensured that the Mutt would not be gaining any inadvertent glory this week. Incidentally, Davey's game-breaking performance once more displayed to the world the flagrant incompetence of the Mutt's  "recruiting policies" in not recruiting Davey in the first place. The full story as to why is long and turgid, but goes something like this:

 

At the end of 2003, Brent Harvey was up for contract re-negotiations, and as part of the sweetener to convince Boomer to stay at Arden St, the club promised him that his younger brother Shane Harvey would be brought over from Essendon, after Sheedy had wisely discarded him, realising there was no scope to convert him into another hack Sheedy player.

 

At the same time, a young, flashy Aboriginal man by the name of Aaron Davey was dominating Victorian community football at Port Melbourne, and had certainly got that loveable Bolshevik doyen of the local game, Phil Cleary (one of the few personalities left anywhere in Victorian football) more excited than a Muscovite proletarian circa 1917 about the future prospects of the young man. Alas, the Mutt had ideas of his own, and despite having first look at Davey given the connection between Arden St and the Borough at the time, Laidley thought that a bright young exponent of indigenous razzle dazzle was not required at the club. 

 

This 'decision' was a huge slap in the face for decades of glorious Arden St tradition when it comes to players of this ilk. Consider: Barry Cable,  Jim and Phil Krakouer (legendary, with Tony Montana-style cocaine bust to boot), Adrian McAdam (certainly before his non-performance in the 1994 prelim final), Winston Abraham (asylum seeker from the Neesham regime grateful that Victoria was not part of the migration exclusion zone), Warren Campbell (a footballinvective.com favourite) and Byron "The Walking Trauma Unit" Pickett (three clubs, two premierships, one Norm Smith medal and innumerable coroner's cases). Word has it that the Roos' coaching staff (led by the Angry Blind Pooch himself) were concerned at Davey's fitness levels, and unthinkingly passed him on, deciding that the best club's best small forward prospects lay instead in Leigh Harding, Jeremy Clayton (who?!) and, alas, Shane Harvey,  resulting in  the biggest nepotism scandal down there at Arden St since the Ryan Pagan affair circa 2000. That said, the Blues probably have more use for Pagan Jnr than Pagan Snr right about now (Six years is a long time in football...).

 

However, the Reverend Daniher was not about to overlook a player with such potential and, even more importantly, strength of mind and competitiveness. The Dees have hit pay dirt with Davey, and rumour has it that the operators at Mount Buller and Falls are threatening to issue writs against the Melbourne Football Club for drafting young Davey, because footballinvective.com can reveal that it is the exhibitionism of Davey (or "Number 36" as he is known to the Melbourne faithful) and the brutality of Byron that has kept fair-weather Dees fans and their $190,000 Range Rovers off the slopes this winter, and not the unfavourable weather.

 

Davey's creativity has been a major factor in the Demons' season, with the predicted end-of-year fade-out put on hold by the Round 20 Neitz-Davey double act. At half-time, with the Kangaroos leading, psychologically suspect Demons by 4 goals, it was as if Batman (Neitz) and Robin (Davey) had been held captive by the Riddler (Laidley) over a vat of white hot magma. After the break however, Robin seemed to exclaim, "Holy Fremantle in third spot, Batman", after which  Batman and Robin proceeded to nonchalantly escape from their precarious plight, make the Riddler pay dearly for his nefarious ways, and dominate the world, all at the same time. *Bam!* *Whack!* and twelve of the best later, a near 80 point turnaround was complete, effected by the dynamic duo. And the Riddler was banished to his kennel lair, left to rue and lament the permanent loss of  the most gifted young Aboriginal player going around.

 

"Holy Demon fade-out Batman!"

 

Davey's renaissance as a footballer this season has included midfield running time at various periods. Last time footballinvective.com checked its 'Fitness for Footballers 101' manual, midfield running requires high levels of aerobic fitness (with the possible exception of Darren Jarman - see below), so congratulations to the coaching staff at Melbourne, who quite clearly enforced a strict, arduous training programme for the young Davey, including running through the Portsea sand a la Herb Elliott, and hauling himself through the Mt Buller snow with a massive block of wood a la Rocky Balboa, in order to match his raw talent with the requisite fitness.

 

 

Moreover, Aaron Davey has not only shown up the likes of Harvey and Clayton, but also his nearest equivalent at the Roos, Daniel Wells.  This is understandable, as footballinvective.com believes the young Wells will not truly realise his potential whilst forced to play in a tactical straightjacket by the Mutt, and will not be truly free until the ten point plan to Bring Back Blighty to Arden Street is fully implemented (or at least he'll have a fighting chance when the North board grows the proverbial pair and puts the Mutt down). Notwithstanding, Wellsy still managed to score that incredible goal of the year against Freo in 2004, which Fox Footy dubbed "'Jackie Chan in mid-air". At the minute, if Daniel Wells is Jackie Chan, then footballinvective.com reckons that Aaron Davey is Chuck Norris, Bruce Lee, and the guy from 'Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon' all in one.

 

Meanwhile, in other Arden St news, Jade Rawlings announced his retirement last week, which means the Junkyard Mutt needs another recycled washed up Hawthorn DOBM to replace him with. Nick Holland is advised to stay close to his phone this week.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Adam Cooney – The Bulldogs' newest king of lairising (who more than adequately fills the void left in this regard by Nathan Brown) won the game for the Dogs with 5 of the best, and had footballinvective.com scratching its head all day trying to figure out who the Crows had playing on him. In addition to this great football honour, Cooney can also now consider himself South Australia’s Public Enemy Number 1 for his treasonous acts against his homeland.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Cameron Mooney - Broke a long-standing AFL record by getting himself suspended for the fourth time in a season, this time for a harmless tummy tickle to Amon Buchanan. The Big Hairy Cat is in distinguished company, breaking a record previously set by David Rhys-Jones, the hyphen himself, back in 1987.

 

Clanger of the Week: Neil Craig - Though it pains us to say it, last year's winner of the Malcolm Blight Medal for Coach of the Year erred badly against Rocket Eade on the weekend. Just as Craig’s biggest clanger in 2005 was playing his best forward on Nick Riewoldt in his first final, his biggest clanger in ’06 so far was playing his best backman, Ben Rutten, at full-forward in the first half, with fellow backman Nathan Bock down that end of the ground as well. They are both backmen because they didn’t make good forwards, something that seems to have been lost on the former Messiah. The writing on the wall may be beginning to appear in so far as the Crows late-season form is concerned, and it is not pretty: Crows 05-06 = Port Power 02-03