Round 18, 2006

 

 

After copping an almighty seeing-to last week from the Eagles, as the Larry Flynt Love Machine bent them over the wheelchair and expressed their right to free speech, the Crows hung on to beat the Pies by 4 points at Moron Park. Chris Tarrant had a long-range shot for goal in the last minute that would have won the game but just failed to make the distance. If he’d had a few more early nights during the week and not needlessly expended his energy on other kinds of physical contests, then he might have been able to kick those extra couple of metres and pinch the four points. Mick Malthouse later conceded that if Tarrant and Johnson were lesser players they would have been dropped for their indiscretions. When it comes to punishing rogue behaviour, Mick and Eddie could probably learn a thing or two from Rudi Giulliani’s zero tolerance polices (ie. “Tough on Crime. Tough on the Causes of Crime” ) although given that Tony Shaw was criticising Eddie's leadership and management style this week, he can’t be all wrong.

 

It is now August in Melbourne, which means two things:

    1) the ski season is reaching its peak; and

    2) Melbourne’s annual late-season fade-out is about to begin.

 

Both of these annual phenomena manifested themselves at 4:00pm on Saturday, as the underground car park at Telstra Dome was clogged with Range Rovers full of fickle Melbourne supporters who, after seeing their team’s “effort” against the Blues, had obviously decided they would rather be back at Buller or Hotham in front of a log fire.

 

Long-time footy fan and Victorian cult hero Dean Jones was in the headlines this week for his biggest clanger since telling Curtly Ambrose to take of his wristbands:

I was stupid and I'm sorry, says Dean Jones

 

FORMER Australian cricket star Dean Jones has fled Sri Lanka in disgrace after describing a South African Muslim cricketer as a "terrorist" in an on-air gaffe that threatens his media career.

 

Jones was sacked by Dubai-based Ten Sports network when he quipped about devout Muslim Hashim Amla: "The terrorist has got another wicket". Jones thought the broadcast had switched to an ad-break, only to learn it had been heard around the world.

Whilst Deano is copping it sweet and paying the price for his indiscretion, footballinvective.com is disappointed that the same standards of public indignation did not apply to our most recent recipient of "Clanger of the Week" Jason Akermanis, who in (yet) another attempt at humour that fell as flat as a Lebanese high-rise, recently described his indigenous hosts at a Brisbane radio station as “monkeys”. If Deano can fall on his sword and cop world-wide admonition for an off-colour comment, then the same zero tolerance policy should apply to Aker. (ie. “Tough on Stupidity. Tough on the Causes of Stupidity”)

 

Up at the Gabba, Geelong won its first game in Queensland for 13 years. It was as if both teams had turned back the clock to 1993, with veteran speedster Peter Riccardi dominating for Geelong and Brisbane doing its best to re-create the days of the “Bad News” Brisbane Bears. It wouldn’t have been a Cats match without a suspension for rough play, this time to Jimmy Bartel, who is doing his best to fill the physicality void left by the absence of the Big Hairy Cat. 

 

But the win barely papered over the cracks at the Cattery, which continues to come to terms with the implications of its Year of Shame. The win over Brisbane was said by some to have taken the pressure of coach Bomber Thompson, who for several years now has followed a comprehensive youth policy, as he attempts to breed the next generation of talent at the Geelong Football Club. However, the club suffers from a lack of leadership, and few would argue that there is a shortage of father figures around the club.

 

After the Cats season went off the rails in Round 3, prompting greater media scrutiny of affairs at Sleepy Hollow, Bomber was keen to dispel rumours that he’d gone soft and was determined to rise manfully to the challenge. Since then he has been poking around for new game plans and getting stuck into his support staff for not carrying enough of his load. Bomber and the brains trust have tried to knock-up a new game plan this year but the results show that it is proving to have a long gestation period. Bomber was worried that Geelong could not win interstate so his new game plan reportedly put the emphasis on scoring away from home as heavily as possible. The plan also involved dropping Kent Kingsley from the team, given that it was clear that Kingsley was being out-scored and out-pointed by his opponents.

 

Last week the Eagles beat the official premiership favourites and this week they followed up by beating the perennial premiership favourites of Mike "As Consistent as Shoaib Aktar" Sheahan. This prompted Mike to turn on his favourite team and once again dedicate the front page of the Hun to his on-again, off-again love affair with the Over-Rated Football Club:

 

 

Perhaps Mike is having trouble coming up with new stories this year, given that (completely co-incidentally) he also turned on the Saints at the same time last year:

 

 

However, true to form, he then turned back again after the Saints won their first final, begging his jilted lovers to forgive him:

 

 

He then turned again when Grant Thomas and the Saints were rolled in the Prelim Final, when it finally dawned on him that the St Kilda brains trust basically needed a few more trustees. Given that the Saints play Geelong this week (the only entity in football less consistent than Mike), no prizes for guessing which way Mike Sheahan will turn next week.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Tyson Edwards – B.O.G. for the Crows in a crunch game, despite his advancing years, and the constant weight on his shoulders that comes from having to wear Bruce Lindner’s old number. Like Peter Riccardi, Edwards is also a veteran of the Malcolm Blight era at his club, showing that the disciples of this great football prophet are still keeping his spirit alive.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Peter Riccardi – Blew the game wide open at the former Gabbatoir (ha ha) with a couple of vintage left-foot long bomb goals, thus reminding the football world how free-flowing football was once played, back in the days when there was a place in the game for flashy one-footed wingers. And he also reminded us of how Geelong should have played for the rest of the season so far. (ie “Tough on Indirect Football. Tough on the Causes of Indirect Football” )

 

Clanger of the Week: Dean Jones - When he realised he was still on air, it must have been as sickening as the latter stages of his double century in Madras back in ’86. Unfortunately for Deano, there was no Greg Matthews lairising to distract attention from his predicament on this occasion.