Football Invective i l l i

Round 16, 2006

Football returned to Tasmania this round and the final siren figured prominently once again at Launceston, but this time it was not drowned out by the roar of 10,000 Tasmanian voices (generated from only 5,000 Tasmanian bodies). This time, however, the Over-Rated Football Club did manage to escape justice and come away with the points. Port squibber Daniel Motplop (no, that’s not a typo) had a chance to live the dream of every footballer by taking a speccy with 5 seconds left and then lining up for goal to win the game after the siren. As footballing dreams go, this is the equivalent of every red-blooded Australian's dream of having their way with Jennifer Hawkins. Unfortunately for Motplop, according to Dwayne Russell's commentary, he “just poked at it”. Footballinvective.com hopes that he wouldn't do the same if presented with the Hawkins opportunity.

Motplop - Clang

Motplop must have been wishing his kicking was as accurate as team-mate Dean Brogan’s fist, which has now connected on two separate occasions this year, most recently last week whilst walking his dog:

“AFL player Dean Brogan will be charged with assaulting a doctor over a dogfight that became personal.

South Australian police confirmed yesterday that the Port Adelaide ruckman, 27, would be summonsed to Adelaide Magistrates' Court next month charged with assaulting Adelaide oral surgeon Zahi Khouri last October.

The two men had been walking their dogs at a park in the inner-Adelaide suburb of Goodwood. Police said Brogan's dog became involved in a fight with two dogs belonging to Dr Khouri. Dr Khouri, 41, made a complaint to police.”

Rough justice was done by Geelong on Sunday. After being done over by a arseclown umpire and losing to the Dogs by one point in Round 4, the Cats managed to turn the tables to prevail by the proverbial solitary in the return bout.

Brad Ottens and Matt "The Great" McCarthy were the difference up forward, though Ottens is still only half-way to convincing the sceptics (such as footballinvective.com) that he is a fair dinkum forward. Having managed to (at last) satisfy the first pre-requisite of key forward play by holding onto contested marks, now all he needs to do is learn to kick from set shots.

For possibly the first time in history (yet coming as no surprise to footballinvective.com), the highest possession-getter on the ground was a full-back, with Matthew Scarlett racking up 34 touches, playing as a free-flowing loose man in the backline, and embarking on numerous, perfectly executed forays up forward - a kind of Franz Beckenbauer of Aussie Rules. In 2005 Scarlett played what footballinvective.com considered the single best individual game of the year, when he single-handedly took out two Crow key forwards with 14 marks and 30-odd possessions in the last line of defence. This week's performance, in a very different role, was arguably as good for its effectiveness, intelligence, and sheer all-round artistry. M. Scarlett truly is the Michaelangelo of full-backs.

This round also saw the unlamented end of the Brisbane career of Jason Akermanis. In contrast to the attempts by Aker to turn the Brisbane Lions into his own version of the Jerry Springer show (where he, naturally, was the host and spent all his time goading everyone else into fighting each other) the Lions did the right thing this week and unanimously voted to rid themselves of the Prince of Petulance. Anyone who has observed the steady downward spiral of Aker's temperament since his dummy spit in the 2004 Grand Final when it became apparent the Lions would not win (having reportedly written his Norm Smith acceptance speech before the game) would have to agree that this was a wise move by his team-mates.

But the story had an unexpected ending. Just when we thought Essendon’s season couldn’t sink any lower, out came Kevin Sheedy and Matty Lloyd to declare they were interested in recruiting him:

“Lloyd has also supported the club chasing Akermanis, saying it would be crazy if it did not speak to him because of his football ability.”

Yeah right, Lloydy. Just like Robbie Muir, Lawrence Angwin and Wayne Carey post-Kelli also all had football ability. But do you really want blokes like that around your club?

Lloydy really should stick to rocket science, though the one bright spot for Aker is that he will at least be in the same club as Gary Ayres – two highly self-absorbed types who were sent packing by their last club should get on like a house on fire.

In bad news for lovers of quality football prose (which you all must be if you're reading this), it emerged this week in the Hun that Dennis Cometti could be left out on the cold after Channel 7 gets the TV rights back next year (a bit like giving the Sydney Swans back to Geoffrey Edelston - they both did such a good job of looking after them last time...):

"Dennis Cometti, the golden voice of commentary, is unlikely to call AFL on television next year. And it all comes down to money.

As Channel 7 prepares to take over telecasting the game in 2007, Cometti's chances of being signed by Seven appear extremely slim.

"We're really lucky to have quite a few people already in our stable who are both experienced and more than capable," Seven Melbourne boss Ian Johnson says.

Seven has already set four names in concrete as playing important roles in its footy coverage from next year -- McAvaney, Roberts, Tim Watson and Craig Hutchison."

This is typical of Channel 7’s lack of nous. Simply rewarding commentators for their “loyalty” to a tired, decrepit outfit 5 years ago really makes no sense. The Brisbane Lions hardly built their era of success on a policy of “rewarding” players who had been loyal to Fitzroy. Given that Channel 7’s previous football coverage was about as abysmal as the Roys’ last two seasons, the similarities don’t end there.

Yet Ian Johnston’s comments are also revealing for what they don’t mention. In the final indictment on Channel 7’s judgement, a football great as articulate, witty and insightful as Malcolm Blight does not even figure in his list of possible commentators. Like an East Berliner looking out his window at the wall the day it went up, football fans throughout Australia looking at their TVs know they have little to look forward to in future when they contemplate the imminent return of football to Channel 7.

In the biggest event on the Adelaide social calendar this year, Port Adelaide put on a special tribute function for Gavin Wanganeen, described by the Adelaide Advertiser as "Football royalty last night came to Adelaide". But whilst royalty may have been present, Wanganeen and his misses appear to have been a little confused. On the basis of their dress sense below, they seem to have taken this week's 1980s round theme literally. Judging from the background, the venue at which the function was held also made the same mistake (is that Duran Duran up on stage?):

Hero of the Week: Matthew “The Artist” Scarlett – Poetry in Motion, this time all over the ground for the Cats.

Cult Figure of the Week: Jeff Farmer – Oozed arrogance, strutted like a peacock and trashed talked like a bitch to his old team, as the Dockers started the ball rolling for Melbourne's annual late season fade-out. if he'd displayed that degree of cockiness to any other team he probably wouldn't have lasted one quarter, but Melbourne is, well, Melbourne.

Clanger of the Week: Andrew Dimetriou - There was stiff competition this week from Motplop and Aker, but it is impossible to go past the Comrade for sheer, unmitigated bad judgement and lack of guts. This round was meant to be the "80s Round" yet in one of the travesties of the year, both the Crows and the Power were prevented from wearing the appropriate 1980s guernsey.

In Port's case, they were denied the right to wear their classic black and white "prison bar" guernsey (lace-up style, of course). This not only cost Port a great deal of dignity, but it also cost them the four points as well, for Daniel Motplop would surely not have choked after the siren had he been wearing the prison bars instead of the ridiculous teal "thunder storm" strip. Instead of squibbing his after-the-siren kick his chest would have swelled with the unique pride that all who wear the prison bars inevitably feel. He would have been full of the confidence that only 82 SANFL premierships can bring, and would have slammed it through for a triumphal goal. Chocko Williams summed up the farcical situation well when he remarked during the week:

"If you set an agenda that it's the '80s, everyone knows what Port Adelaide wore in the '80s so it's pretty obvious what we should be wearing."

Chocko's comments are also equally applicable to the Crows. Prior to the formation of the Crows in 1990, the Team for All South Australians was the SA State or Origin team. And we all know what guernsey they wore. Yet for similarly obscure reasons the AFL does not allow them to wear the magnificent SA guernsey in heritage rounds, 80s rounds or at any other time.

As if realising how absurd the whole situation was, the second-in-command at the AFL Politburu Adrian Anderson made a complete goose of himself trying to explain this "policy" when he went on air on 3AW at 7:10pm on 25 July:

“I am informed that there is a deal that goes well back before my time allowing Port to wear their 80s guernsey on a one-off basis and that they would not wear it again for the foreseeable future.”

This is one of the most bizarre and piss-weak statements that footballinvective.com has ever heard from a football administrator (and makes Anderson a favourite for this year's Geoffrey Edelston Medal). Anderson's comments contain several dubious statements, all of which deserve closer scrutiny, for example:

“I am informed”

- Huh? He runs the bloody AFL. He is paid to KNOW.

“Goes well back before my time”

– The oldest squib in the book. A bit like Homer Simpson's classic "It was like that when I got here."

“There is a deal”

- Between who? And what exactly does Port Adelaide get on its side of this so-called "deal"?

“Forseeable future”

– Just how long is that ???

Footballinvective.com pities poor Anderson, as it was not really his decision, he was merely the messenger boy. In his job at the Docklands Boulevard Kremlin he is reduced to the role of playing Smithers to Comade Dimetriou's Burns. The real blame rests firmly on the shoulders of Comrade Dimetriou (as do most of the problems that beset the football world, not to mention the current Israel-Lebanon situation as well).

Perhaps the "deal" that Anderson was referring to was Collingwood's long-standing opposition to Port wearing the prison bars. But if we are to talk about "deals" it is worth remembering the "deal" offered to Port by Collingwood in 1995 by its then president Alan McAlister. When he wasn't busy indulging in moronic pursuits like buying up all of the real estate around Victoria Park to turn it into a "Maggieland" theme park and assuring Leigh Matthews that he was "coach for life", McAlister told Port Adelaide that if it should ever happen to finish above Collingwood on the ladder for three consecutive seasons then he would withdraw his objection to Port wearing black and white. Not surprisingly, Port managed to achieve its side of the bargain in its first three years, yet nothing was ever heard again of Collingwood's obligations under this "deal". If Adrian Anderson is so keen to honour old deals made "before his time" then perhaps he could honour this one, as should Eddie and Collingwood. After all, Freo wore a Swans guernsey during the 80s round and Sydney hardly suffered any affront, so why should the Pies object to another side wearing black-and-white once a year. Or perhaps Collingwood doesn't want the prison bars appearing in the AFL because it would remind footy fans that Collingwood's current guernsey (white-on-black instead of the old black-on-white) looks suspiciously similar. Having railed against Port's famous guernsey for years, Collingwood then went out and pinched it (which, to be fair, is only in keeping with the culture and lifestye of much of its supporter base).

Of all the teams in the AFL, Port Adelaide should be most entitled to wear its 80s guernsey in the 80s round. Port won 4 SANFL flags in the 1980s, and had it been playing in the VFL at the time, would surely have won just as many (though considering the might of SA footy at the time it probably would have won even more). Then in 1990 it did the football world the greatest possible service by opening the door for the entry of the Greatest State in the World to the AFL. The least the AFL could do to repay the favour is allow them to display their rightful heritage in a round dedicated to the 1980s.

South Australia IS the 80s (arguably, the 80s never ended in SA), so in the absence of any honour or respect for historical accuracy by the AFL, footballinvective.com hereby presents its inaugural:

SA Footy in the 80s / Up Yours Dimetriou Pictorial Tribute