Round 15, 2006

 

 

Geelong overcame Port Adelaide at Unskilled Stadium and, for the first time this year, managed to get the better of an opposing team in a close contest in the last quarter. The key goal-kicker in the last quarter was the sure-to-be future cult figure of Geelong Matthew Stokes, who despite being the smallest player on the ground took two gutsy marks and kicked two crucial goals right when it counted most, and managed to remind nostalgic footballinvective.com writers of the glory days of Eddie "The Scud Missile" Hocking with his low centre of gravity and brazen cockiness towards his opponents. 

 

But it should never be forgotten that the turning point in this match actually came late in the third quarter, when Cameron "The Big Hairy Cat" Mooney hit Josh "Mr September" Mahoney and sent him to the turf (with Mahoney doing his bit with an impromptu Italian dive straight from Marcello Lippi's coaching manual). Although he was condemned by some observers for getting suspended, Mooney should be congratulated for not only turning the game for Geelong but also taking the first (oh-so-small) step to shake off the club's image as a team that is not to be feared, and a team that shirks the rough stuff. If Mooney could hit someone in every game he played (and most likely get suspended for 50% of the season) if it meant Geelong could win every game in which he did so (the 50% of the team's games that he would actually play) then it works out to be quite a favourable equation for the Cats. After all, a 50% success ratio is better than what Geelong has managed since the handbags were brought back out in Round 10 last year.

For the third time in a row, the Swans and Eagles produced a low-scoring but veritable ball-tearer of a match. Their last three games have been decided by 2 points, 4 points and 4 points and have been three of the best matches of the past 12 months. Whilst some in the lesser football media have commented that these games have been "congested" and not "free-flowing" or high-scoring they miss the point. Games such as this are not symbolic of some supposed evolution of the game towards a more scrappy style of play, but the kind of knock-em-down-drag-em-out contests that the game has always produced in any given year. In the old days before closed roofs and uniformly dry playing surfaces, low-scoring arm wrestles were common in the winter months, often being described as classic "wet weather football". We no longer have the wet grounds that give rise to such contests, but when a close-in, intense and not-so-fast moving contest happens to occur on a dry ground (as it has in the last three Swans-Eagles games) the lesser football media should not despair that this is some king of insidious new breed of football, but realise that it is the same kind of contest that that has occurred throughout history. 

 

The Eagles' narrow win was made all the more meritorious given the absence of their star ruckman Dean "Big" Cox. Big Cox no doubt considered himself stiff to be out with injury, whilst the Swans would have been worried about whether they had the ability to hold Big Cox if he had played, but in the end, the headline from the West Australian turned out to be true: "We Can Cover Cox: Eagles"

 

Footbalinvective.com favourite Warwick Capper was making news this week, this time for his role in a top new Australian movie production:

 

Flamboyant former Sydney Swans star Warwick Capper's movie career has begun with a bang.

Capper copped a broken nose while fighting a Russian movie director outside the former Woomera detention centre in South Australia's north.

Capper has admitted throwing the first punch at director Kayran Noskca -- who has since quit -- during filming of Yobbos Up The Guts.

"My surgeon's really p---ed off, he only finished working on my new nose a month ago," Capper said.

 

In further controversial news off the field, Michael "Goodfella" Gardiner may have to go back to his more lucrative day job in the pharmaceutical industry, after a spectacular car crash terminated his career at the Eagles. "Speed may have been a factor in the crash" police said. The police later confirmed this theory when they found several kilograms of it stashed in the boot.

 

Gardiner - Gorn

 

But the biggest embarrassment of the week goes to Carlton, which this week hit rock-bottom, accepting a $1.5 million hand-out from the AFL to stave off bankruptcy. But the hand-out came with strings attached, with the AFL appointing a member of the Carlton board, who will be tasked with the duty of babysitting the club.

 

However, footballinvective.com does not think the AFL attached enough strings to the deal, which should have been subject to many more conditions, ensuring that Carlton gets exactly what it deserves. Accordingly, we suggest our  Top 10 Extra Conditions that the AFL should impose upon Carlton:

 

10. Carlton to be given the offer to “merge” with North Melbourne, with the Kangaroos given full rights to choose home ground, team guernsey, team name, playing list and club board for the new entity. This will give the Roos revenge for Carlton’s attempted hostile takeover of them in the 1990s, and the terms of the deal will exactly mirror those that were so graciously offered to them by the Blues on that occasion.

 

9. Lance Whitnall to be banned from attending fat farms in the off-season to shed any excess kilograms from his numerous celebrity October pie-eating or hot-dog slamming competitions.

 

8. If the AFL wants its own puppet on the board, it should also insist that Carlton appoint its ridiculous club mascot (Captain Cartlon or whatever his name is) as next club president and next CHF (and, by extension, the next ‘Sticks’).

 

7. Ryan Houlihan to be made player-for-life at Carlton

 

6. Carlton to be forced to re-draft Lawrence Angwin (and also employ him as club property steward).

 

5.  Free fire extinguishers (supplied jointly by AFL and Carlton at official ceremony) for Brendan Fevola and Matthew Lappin, for use as they see fit (including at 5.30am following a HUGE night on the grog and/or doobies).

 

4. Carlton to be forced to honour the original terms of its deal with Port Adelaide before the 2003 draft and trade Nick Stevens to Collingwood. In return, Carlton gets to pick as many dud Clokes, Shaws or Shane Woewodins as the Blue football department can handle.

 

3. In the same way that Dennis Pagan drafted Mick Martyn to get him to 300 games, Pagan should be forced to re-draft Corey McKernan in order to carry him to 250 (he needs 12). This is only fair given that Corey is a proud Carlton B&F winner in their inaugural wooden spoon year.

 

2. Carlton to be forced to wear that ridiculous light blue M&M guernsey from 1997 at all away games.

 

1. Carlton to be forced to renounce its current team emblem and name “The Blues”, which is merely indicative of its aristocratic, arrogant (and long lost) past, and introduce a nickname more fitting to its current status. We suggest 'The Spooners'. The new emblem could either include a wooden spoon on a blue background, or a picture of Kouta and Ang Christou spending quality time together.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Cameron "The Big Hairy Cat" Mooney" - Stood tall, flew the flag and showed some aggression for the Cats. Who cares that the cost was a one week suspension. After all, the way it lifted the team was priceless, and the cost of Geelong's current reputation as the softest team in the league is incalcuble

 

Cult Figured of the Week: Warwick Capper - Like all great artists, he was prepared to suffer for his art, in this case the forthcoming cinematic masterpiece "Yobbos up the Guts". This film should also be a shoo-in for funding from the Australia Council and the South Australian Film Commission, which are meant to encourage cultural excellence within Australia. If not, why not.

 

Clanger of the Week: Channel 10 – Footballinvective.com has gone easy on Channel 10 over the years (after all, it’s hardly Channel 7) yet one thing that has consistently made us more annoyed than a one-armed taxi driver with crabs has been the god-awful introduction to its football telecasts with that ridiculous-sounding voice over man who vainly attempts to build up the drama by talking in the most melodramatic tone possible (you know the one who sounds like he is talking through clenched teeth whilst holding his breath at the same time as having his gonads squeezed). The bloke sounds bad enough, but some of the banal, clichéd rubbish that he pous forth makes it a truly cringe-worthy experience for all concerned. We have put up with him (and the done-to-death “Holy Grail” tune) for almost 5 years now, but last Saturday night Channel 10 went too far. Right here, word for word, is excruciating Channel 10 voice-over man’s introduction to the Swans-Eagles match:

 

“Thoughts keep coming to them in the quiet hours,

“As we sleep, these Eagles toss and turn and remember,

“Elsewhere, however, not a peep as the Swans sleep and dream dreams only winners enjoy.

“The flag may have gone, and nothing will bring it back,

“But should these Eagles salute tonight, maybe just maybe, they might sleep a little easier

“And start dreaming of redemption instead of revenge.

 

This nauseating monologue was accompanied by footage of persons who were supposedly Eagles players tossing and turning in bed unable to sleep. One scene featured a bedroom door with Chris Judd’s name on it, then inside the bedroom was a picture of Judd and his missus (apparently her name is Rebecca, but better known as “that red dress shiela”) on the bed side table and a lone male figure under the covers unable to sleep.

 

As if the narrative wasn’t bad enough, this footage was equally bad for being so misleading. First, given the attributes of his red dress-wearing partner, we doubt very much that Judd chooses to sleep alone. Second, if he doesn’t sleep at night there is a very good reason why – and it’s not last year’s Grand Final.

 

To add to its self-inflicted embarrassment, Channel 10 followed up this piece of drivel in the next ad break by screening a Toyota ad featuring James Hird in an Essendon jumper with a straight face lecturing listeners about what constitutes a “winning team”. That realty says it all….

Judd: Not Sleeping