Round 12, 2006

 

 

Footballinvective.com continued its German ambassadorial duties this round, and once again got to choose between the Biggest Sporting Event in the World with the prospect for watching Geelong play Freo. No disrespect to the indigenous code, but on this occasion the foreign option was, er, slightly preferable. As-long standing lovers of Aussie Rules, it surprises footballinvective.com that we could come to this view, but you know that soccer is big when it takes headlines away from the celebrity wedding of the closest thing we have to royalty – Nicole Kidman. If only Australia could part the opposition defence down the middle like Keith Urban does his hair, we might have been able to knock off the Brazilians and the Italian synchronised diving team. 

 

Round 12 was the long drawn-out split round, with Collingwood retaining their position near the top of the ladder and Carlton continuing their quest for 1^st round draft picks. On the other hand, for Geelong fans sure they would give the Blues a run for their money in that regard, the win against Fremantle at Subiaco in the first week of the split-round must have them scratching their heads in dismay. Gary Ablett Junior played another inspiring game, bagging 6 goals and leading his the Cats to a rare win away from Victoria, and is shaping up as a reasonable Brownlow chance, given the lack of other players in the side to take votes from him.

 

In other games, the embarrassment of Kevin Sheedy’s charges continued against the Dees. The Bombers well deserve their title of the worst team in the AFL, an accolade that takes some earning with a teams like Carlton in the comp. Port Adelaide upset the much-favoured Eagles at home – the biggest surprise amongst Port fans since one of them was sighted purchasing their own electrical goods from a Harvey Norman store in Enfield (it was later found that the person in question had paid with a fake cheque). 

 

In other AFL news, Brisbane loudmouth Jason Akermanis has been fined by the club for referring to coach Leigh Matthews on his website as a “[not very clever man] who can’t coach”. If Aker can rack up as many possessions against the Blues as he has enemies amongst the Brisbane coaching staff, it should be an easy win for the Lions at the Gabba on Saturday night. But this is arguably not Aker's biggest mistake in 2006 - tipping Geelong to win the flag after Round 2 surely takes the cake.

 

But the biggest game of the round was undoubtedly the Stuttgart showdown between Australia and Croatia. Footballinvective.com was there in the Gottlieb-Daimler Stadion, which as far as stadiums go is more of a ho-hum Falcon Futura than a Mercedes or Daimler equivalent:

 

Footballinvective.com in Stuttgart

 

Stuttgart coincidentally happens to be the largest Croatian city outside Croatia, but given that Croatia's football team had a propensity to choke in this World Cup that was about equal to that of the country's most famous tennis export (Hi, Goran), this was by no means an insurmountable obstacle for our brave boys from Down Under.

 

Having lulled themselves to sleep watching the Croatia-Japan 0-0 draw five days earlier (no need for Serepax Grandma, just watch Ivan Klasnic for five minutes) it was with great anticipation that Australian fans tuned into the 5am game, almost certain of safe second round passage. With incredulous rumours of Lucas Neill's imminent departure to Real Madrid doing the rounds (more Guus genius, who managed to turn a one-time Micky Gayfer into a veritable Glen Jakovich of defenders) as evidence of new found defensive stability after a creditable though still slightly disappointing performance against the Poorly Waxed Brazilians, and with only one solitary point necessary for the second round, Socceroo supporters would have been rightly confident that passage to the next phase was all but assured in the pre-match build-up.

 

Unfortunately, Australia began the match committing an act of self-harm even Courtney Love could be proud of. The inclusion of Kalac at the expense of the admittedly less-than-perfect Schwarzer was at best unnecessarily disruptive, and at worst, football suicide. Kalac's form in Melbourne against the Greeks (European champions - ha ha) in the pre-tournament friendly was hardly awe-inspiring, and Kalac had spent almost an entire season as a second-string goalkeeper, even though he plays at Berlusconi United. At a time when defensive stability was all-important, the Orange Oracle made a near-tragic mistake, which at game's end was saved only by the presence of mind of one Harry Kewell with about a quarter of an hour to play.

 

The goal from Croatia's Dario Srna after just two minutes was probably the free-kick of the tournament, and would have even beaten the 2002 model Oliver Kahn strapped to a Messerschmidt. However, as Guus has reliably informed mostly football-naive Australian supporters, games of football are not decided in the first half an hour (bad luck for the hashi-crashi Japanese), and the green and gold machine set about restoring parity for the remainder of the first half with arguably their most composed and mature football of the tournament, with outstanding passing through midfield, and the much-maligned pair of Sterjovski and Emerton particularly catching the eye. The Croatian midfield, hampered by having to carry the coach's son, never appeared to be able to cope with the enterprising Socceroo football on offer. Craig Moore's equalising penalty more than compensated for sustained Socceroo pressure and, in retrospect, capped off an otherwise solid tournament for the ex-Ranger.

 

It was in this vein of form that the Australians should have continued at the commencement of the second half. Instead, the Australian midfield sat back far too deep, displaying a level of respect to the likes of Kovac and Tudor that was simply undeserved. That the Croatians would score was inevitable - the lazy, almost apathetic manner in which the Aussies had played just after the break is fertile soil for slippery Croatians looking for the cheap way out of jail. Kalac's error on Kovac's tame shot was a true Clanger of the Year performance. The big Spider coincidentally happens to come from a Croatian background and his club, AC Milan, is currently embroiled in a bribery scandal. When he fumbled the pick up of a routine back pass (few could call it a "save") and Croatia’s second goal slid through, the smell of brown paper bags hung pungently in the Stuttgart air. 

 

Thankfully, Marco and Harry’s ability to make amends for Spider’s shortcomings was more effective than that of Italian anti-corruption authorities.

 

So, with their backs to the wall, the Australians set about hunting the Croatians down like a Bosnian sniper overlooking the Mostar bridge circa 1992 for that invaluable goal that would guarantee second round celebrations (which was now assured with the Japanese on the receiving end of the best Brazilian performance at this World Cup - that'll teach you, Zico, for taking Socrates' penalty in the 1986 quarter final against France). 

 

Bresciano, brought off the bench after more concerns regarding his 'glue ear' (interesting turn of phrase) became the match-breaker, with his impressive dead ball skills and inventive passing. Kewell was the beneficiary. Much-maligned for his non-appearances in the FA Cup and Champions League finals for Liverpool over the preceding seasons, he finally produced in a big game, delivering the goal that the Australians, despite the roller coaster of a ride that they were forced to endure [much of it of their own making, mind you] in the meantime, deserved.

 

Footballinvective.com leads the Sea of Gold

 

Whilst Kalac's was the Daniel-Day Lewis of Clanger Awards, it seemed the Cannes Film Festival had decided to join in the World Cup frivolities and set up camp in Stuttgart for this momentous occasions. For if Kalac received the Best Oscar Clanger at a World Cup, then Croatian coach Zlatko Kranjcar and English referee Graham Poll (up where the sun don't shine) surely provided a superb supporting cast. 

 

First, Kranjcar: 

• One, he has the temerity to put his own son in the heart of a Croatian midfield which was once filled by the likes of some of the truly great midfielders of their generation, names such as  Boban, Prosinecki, Soldo and Asanovic, akin to asking Mark Williams to show up at a Hawthorn Great Forwards' Dinner with the likes of Brereton, Matthews, Dunstall and Hudson (Peter, of course). Maybe Zlats should talk to the Suhartos or Denis Pagan (why haven't Carlton sacked him yet?) regarding the perils of nepotism. 

• Two, his celebrations at going 1-0 and 2-1 up were fit only for a pork chop. 

• Three, his urgings and exhortations as the Croatians vainly attempted to find a third goal betrayed the simple truth that his team had entered the tournament under-prepared mentally, and their deserved fate would be spend the rest of the World Cup relaxing on a Dubrovnik beach (perhaps also involving themselves in some Ramsgate-style skirmishes with some equally disaffected Serbian/Montenegrin players in the meantime) 

Footballinvective.com knows it speaks for all football lovers when it declares that, at the end of probably the most bizarre game of this World Cup, it was simply appropriate that Kranjcar made like a banana and Split.

 

Second, English referee Graham Poll. Little more needs to be said, save for the following: 

• One, he's English. 

• Two, what's the deal with the haircut? (i.e. is it Berlin neo-Hitler Youth or 'Top of the Pops?') 

• Three, that's the number of yellow cards Joe Simunic received, and coincidentally the number of synapses making up Poll's 'brain'. 

• Four, how did he miss a second blatant handball in the box by Croatian defender Tomas in the second period and a wrestling move from Simunic on Viduka in the first half that even Triple H would have applauded? 

• Five, he's British. 

• Six, the 'Thing from Tring' continued a great trend at this world Cup of officialdom being unduly bent against the Australians, surpassed only by that act of treason from Cantalejo in the second round match against the Italians (with Kraut boofhead Markus Merkt a close third for his 'effort' in the Brazil game). 

But every cloud has its silver lining - Graham Poll, who had gloated pre-tournament of the likelihood of him officiating the World Cup Final, emulated his English compatriots and failed dismally despite lofty (though 120% unfounded) expectations. Watching uppity, self-inflated Poms crash and burn is an enticing pastime for ALL Australians - probably why the Ashes series will be so popular this summer.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Harry Kewell - saved the day against Croatia

 

Cult Figure of the Week: The officials at Stuttgart's Gottlieb Daimler Stadium who instead of playing the Aussie National Anthem after the Australia-Croatia game had AC-DC's "TNT" blaring out over the PA instead. Gold for Australia.

 

Clanger of the Week: Zyeljko Kalac - in a rare moment of remorsefulness on the part of footballinvective.com, this website apologises to the Schwarzer family for any suffering it may have unwittingly brought to bear in its unashamed pursuit of the footballing truth. Next to Kalac, all is forgiven.