Round 10, 2006

 

 

The headline in the Adelaide Advertiser said it all: Henschel 8.0, Bombers 6.14

 

Not since the Agoniser published its famous 4 page colour wrap-around supplement with the banner headline reading simply “HEROES” to mark the occasion of the Crows winning their first PRACTICE match in 1991 has the paper boasted so shamelessly of a win over the Dons.

 

Kevin Sheedy meanwhile, must surely have pause to ponder his future after the supposed ‘old master’ was given a coaching lesson and a 22 goal flogging by the Coach of the 21^st Century (N. Craig). Sheedy has now been in the job since 1981, and a lot has changed since then. Back in ‘81, Ronald Reagan, Margaret Thatcher, Leonid Breznev and Malcolm Fraser were all in power. Of these 4, the first two went on to become great world leaders, the third saw his team the sink without a trace (USSR - the Fitzroy of superpowers) whilst the latter has been a serial colberter of his party for the past 15 years. In his 26 years at the top, Sheedy has won it all. Well, all except a certain timber kitchen utensil. But this year, he might have stiff competition for the prize from another once highly-rated premiership coach (Pagan). They may also have to fight the Junkyard Mutt as well. But they can rest assured that, like everything else the Mutt has ever been in contention for as a coach, he is sure to miss out on this particular distinction as well.

 

Those who remember the directionless rabble that was the baseball team at the start of “Major League II” should venture down to Windy Hill some time soon, where they might find the perfect example of life imitating art. Lloydy seems be concentrating on nuclear physics instead of leading the team; Hirdy seems more interested in his modeling career, whilst Dean “Flying Pudding” Rioli seems fixated on breaking Allan Jakovich’s long-standing AFL pie-eating record. Sheedy must only be keeping him on in the hope that he plays 100 games and thus gives the Dons access to the next generation of Riolis under the father-son rule. 

 

Andrew Lovett, who won Cult Figure of the Week for his performance in last year’s ANZAC Day match, clearly let this significant award go to his head. This year he resembles Willie Mays Hays in ‘Major League II’. He is less focused on his game and more focused on the fast cars, bling and biatches that he is constantly showing off at Windy Hill at every opportunity, and several weeks ago had the worst hair cut in the league since Danny Southern (now thankfully gone).

 

Jobe Watson must be wishing he was Jason Cloke, and had two other equally ordinary brothers in the same team to draw attention away from the inevitable unfavourable comparisons with his old man. The best we can say about Jobe on this front is that he plays as well as his dad coached. David Hille, meanwhile, seems to be chasing Steven Queen’s title as the softest captain the AFL.

 

Gary Ayres was brought in as assistant coach this year, ostensibly to improve discipline and team morale (a bit like bringing back Mark Latham to improve party unity) but instead Ayres seems to be going through some kind of mid-life crisis, having re-grown his 1988 mullet, perhaps in a vain attempt to recapture some of his youthful appeal.

 

But it can at least be said of the Dons that they are fulfilling their potential, which in 2006 is very little. The same cannot be said of Geelong – the greatest under-achievers and squibs of the decade. Some believe that the result against the Eagles (blowing a 9 goal lead in the 3^rd quarter) is proof that Geelong are gone. But it is typical of the lesser football media that it takes them until the greatest crash-and-burn effort since the Hindenderg to write them off when it has been blatantly obvious that something has been seriously wrong all long. And we are not just talking about 2006. Geelong’s mental fragility was exposed early in 2005, and has been there for all to see ever since.

 

Consider: Geelong in 2005 lost its mojo after Round 10 when they lost at home to Freo and never regained it. Not coincidentally, they were also premiership favourites going into that game, just as they were in Round 3 this year going into a supposedly soft home game against a soft side (Hawthorn). Geelong had an ordinary season for the last 12 weeks of 2005, played some easy-beats in the first week of the finals (go Dees) before then blowing a 4 goal lead in the last quarter in a game where the Swans only kicked 7. If the pea-brained lesser football media could remember the last 30 minutes of that infamous semi-final at the SCG rather than just the last 3 seconds then they would have a better appreciation of Geelong’s physical and mental qualities - both last year and this year. Rex Hunt was spot-on after the semi-final last year when he berated anyone who tried to glorify it as a “brave” loss or kid themselves that Geelong were 3 points away from the premiers and things were therefore OK. As Rexy so passionately said, the Cats should not take any consolation out of the game by treating it as some kind of tragic last-gasp loss. It should be seen for what it was – the biggest choke in the city of Sydney since Michael Hutchence was last in town.

 

But Geelong’s problems do not end with the lightweights in the lesser football media who fail to recognise the problems. The idiots in the Brownlow Stand last weekend who clapped them off after the game are just as much part of the problem as the media and the players themselves. Even the Angry Docker Fans turned on their team and its coach last year when they blew a lead less than one-third of that size. These pampered, moleskin wearing, Jaguar-driving, Geelong Grammar-educated Western district squattocracy types should be banished from the Brownlow Stand and their place taken by several thousand of the most feral and blood-thirsty FGYs, who currently occupy the darkest reaches of the standing room and the city end. And if the moleskin brigade are to be allowed back in at all they should be made to stand up in the outer in the constant beer shower amongst the most feral and abusive of opposition supporters. Hopefully that will toughen them up, and teach them that teams who blow nine goal leads in half an hour DON’T DESERVE TO BE APPLAUDED.

 

In yet another example of the lesser football media reporting the “news” months after it is first aired on footballinvective.com the Hun and the Rage this week commented on Geelong’s glaring lack of on-field leadership. Footballinvective.com has been saying both last year and this year that Geelong are all Indians and no Chiefs, and that Steven Queen is not the answer as captain. Apart from the usual brilliance of small forwards Gary Ablett Jnr and Paul Chapman, the Cats’ senior players continued to show no leadership or mongrel at all. Kent Kingsley is back to his old tricks - leading so far out from goal that he might as well be playing in the back line and then when he actually gets the ball close to goal, looking about as confident as a kid on a first date (unless that kid was on a date with Kelli Stevens).

 

Geelong are clearly soft and clearly need the spirit of footballinvective.com’s favourite cult figure, Tony Montana. When opposition teams visit Unskilled Stadium they need to say hello to the Cats ‘little friend”, which should be Cam Mooney and Paul Chapman on a force-fed diet or raw meat, Clockwork Orange and PCP. Mooney needs to give up baby-sitting kids (an ingenious plan by the club to calm him down) and spend his evenings watching Chuck Norris movies instead, in the hope that it will return him to his old wild ways. As any good footy coach knows, it is always a mistake to not let player play their “natural game”. We all know what Mooney’s “natural game” is, so let him play it.

 

In one of the funniest off-field incidents for the year, Port Adelaide big man Dean Bogan lived the dream of every Victorian footy fan on the weekend by:

a)     Dispensing vigilante justice to an obnoxious and arrogant Crow fan; and

b)     Rubbing Carlton’s nose further into the dirt.

 

Former supercoach Dennis Pagan is now facing the prospect of 3 mahogany ladles in 5 years and must be ruing the day he traded in the Shinboner Spirit of Arden St for the Spiv Spirit of Optus Oval, and will forever have to live with the shame of being the last business deal in the career of John Elliott.

 

Meanwhile, Melbourne did little to dispel one of our favourite football stereotypes this week, with this absolute pearler appearing in the club’s email newsletter to its members:

 

 

 

Hero of the Week: David Neitz. Not only kicked 8 goals and broke the club games record, but even more importantly, showed up the Over Rated Football Club and it own supposed “key forward” up the other end (and no, we don’t mean the G Train).

Q: In a big game, in a day for forwards, where was N. Riewoldt when it really counted?

A: The same place he always is (ie, missing like Olivia Newton-John’s boyfriend).

Q: In a big game, in a day for tactical nous from coaches, where was Riewoldt’s coach when it really counted?

A: Same place ha always is (and no, we don’t mean having lunch with Mike Sheahan in Brighton)

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Dean Bogan. Can’t wait until he next comes across some Crow fans at the Ramsgate, or other Adelaide drinking establishment. Rough justice awaits.

 

Clanger of the Week: Geelong Football Club, Geelong Football Club Members, and the City of Greater Geelong and most of the Western District as well. It’s a very big shame file this week. And it’s blue and white all over.