Round 7, 2006

 

 

It’s been a big week in football. Essendon hit rock bottom, Sam Newman lost it on air, and Rex Hunt, clearly not having learned the lesson of Carlton’s rorting in the 1990s, found himself in hot water over allegations of salary cap breaches in relation to certain acquaintances:

 

 

The Bombers must have thought things couldn't get any worse when they went down to the Blues and a gloating Lance Whitnall (below) on Sunday, but they went one worse when they copped Tim Watson (of all people) giving them gratuitous coaching advice. Watson’s own coaching record is, of course, well known. At this rate we’ll soon be seeing John Elliott dispensing financial advice to Carlton, Billy Brownless giving fitness advice to the Cats, and Byron Pickett giving driving lessons to the Dees.

 

 

The Dons now sit alone at the bottom of the ladder, and are battling it out with Carlton and Richmond for the title of worst team in the League. Plow Wallace must be delighted, given that he always considered himself to be a better coach than Sheedy or Pagan. Now, he can simply point to the ladder and argue with some credibility that the actually is.

 

Meanwhile, all those young Teeny Bopper Bandwagon Jumpers (TBBJs) who jumped on board the Dons in the 1990s, some hoping for success and some for a glimpse of pretty-boy James Hird, are all somewhat older now. In season 2006, the maturing palates of little bomber fans are developing a new flavour – the bitter taste of disappointment. Those high-pitched cheers of Essendon supporters (which have been at least two octaves higher than other teams thanks to the presence of the TBBJs)) have now turned to anguished groans, as the naïve hope of youth decays with each consecutive defeat. With Hird and Fletcher on the way out and Lloyd finished for the season (before he follows in the footsteps of Mike Fitzpatrick and takes up that Rhodes Scholarship) the great battles of the past between the Dons and the Blues might now turn into an inglorious tussle for the mahogany ladle, whilst the next ‘Dreamtime’ game with the Tiges will consist of both teams dreaming of those cherished priority draft picks.

 

This week was “Women’s Round” in the AFL and female fans saw the best and worst of male behaviour on display. Female fans who saw the Collingwood-Eagles game would have been positively drooling at the sight of Eagle midfielder and renowned ladies man Chris Studd, who with 32 positions (I mean possessions) and 3 goals, put in another lascivious performance that rekindled memories of the finest P*rn United group efforts of 2005.

 

But whilst women would have been turned on by the physical prowess of the Studd, they would have been appalled at the unmanly antics of the Hawks, who returned to their soft pretty-boy best. Big Plugger Brown kicked 8 goals without anyone really knowing who was on him, and once again showed that the Hawk backline is as fragile as Harry Kewell’s groin (which this week replaced Shane Warne’s as the most scrutinised groin in Australia).

 

Whilst we are still on the “Women’s Round” theme, it surely came as no surprise that of all teams Melbourne chose to honour the occasion by marketing a special edition pink jumper. Whilst other Victorian clubs (but certainly not the Swans) would probably not think there a market for a pooncy pink jumper amongst their fans, the Dees are, well, a bit ‘special’. The only problem that their supporters will have getting a pink jumper is that they’ll have to fight all their players for them.

 

The following news item appeared in this week's email newsletter to Melbourne members, and really says it all:

 

And just as "the boys" would have looked great in pink, we are certain that they would have been grateful that the Junction Oval is so close to Commercial Road Prahran, where those pink guernseys must have made them particularly popular with the locals. It surely won’t be long until we see Range Rovers and Volvos throughout the eastern suburbs swapping their little blue and red bumper stickers for a blue and pink version.

 

Over at Moron Park, the Bulldogs wiped the floor with Port Adelaide, as thousands of Dog and Power fans were busy trading electrical appliances in the car park. Teal Coloured Glasses has now officially turned, and sent in his weekly report from his Snowtown backyard, where he was busily preparing 22 barrells for the entire Port team after their latest effort:

 

What was that all about then? Getting toweled up by the Fruit Tingles (Adelaide) or The Great Unwashed (Collingwood) is one thing…..getting smashed by Rocket’s Mosquito Fleet on your own patch is quite another. Coming off two massive drubbings, it would have been reasonable to expect that the Power would have come out full of fire and brimstone, ready to take out their frustrations on the Dogs. Instead, the response was less honest than a senior government minister at the Cole inquiry as halfway though the second term a 69 point gap had opened up between the sides. When a victory would mean your side had engineered the greatest comeback in the history of the game and the half time siren has not even sounded yet, it’s a sign that things are probably not going according to plan.

 

To make matters even worse, Port essentially got smashed twice in the same game. From the opening bounce, the Doggies ran all over the Power to establish their 69 point lead mid way through the second stanza. This was followed by the now customary second quarter Power revival which trimmed the margin to a manageable 28 points mid-way through the third term, after which the ‘Pride of the West’ regained their stranglehold on the match and blew it out all over again – 79 points the final figure.

 

After this horror start to the season, the future of some senior players must now surely be in serious doubt. Kingsley, Bishop, Francou, Wanganeen, Wakelin and Wilson are all probably in the final years of their careers and with September action about as likely as Wendell Sailor turning down a free gram from his dealer, there seems little point in continuing to field these players week in week out at the expense of younger options. It certainly looks like there will be some lean years ahead for Power fans - fans who must also come under the microscope this week for a lack of commitment to the cause which comes dangerously close to outright Colberting of their own team. Port fans – j’accuse!

 

Last week TCG predicted that the soul-less performances of recent weeks would transform Port supporters into a feral, vocal, angry mob for the clash with the Bullies. While some would argue that this description could be leveled at the Alberton faithful any week of the year, the truth is actually quite different. Sustained success over the last 5 years has spoiled the Teal Army to the point where – far from getting angry – they are showing signs of something much worse. Apathy. Only 20, 200 fans were on hand to see the Mothers’ Day rout in a sign that Port’s off-field woes almost match those on the park.

 

A 2004 Grand Final rematch coming up this week and eighteen months on, the socialist nature of the AFL-ski is clearly evident as Brisbane and Port, instead of jockeying for top 4 spot in September, are instead now positioning themselves for a run at the no. 1 draft pick in November. Having said that, with the Lions, Carlton and Essendon coming up in the next 3 games, there is still a chance that the Power could even its record at 5-5 by Round 10 so all is not yet lost.  Another defeat this week however and Port’s season, like Tom Cruise’s reputation as a box office banker, will have well and truly slipped away.

 

Port: Gorn

 

Geelong notched up their first win in a month, demonstrating that:

a)     if they couldn’t win a game that crappy they should all join Ben Graham in shameful exile for prolonged and consistent under-achievement; and

b)     the Over-Rated Football Club is truly living up to its name.

 

Finally, the match also demonstrated that, just as surely as a Shane Warne text message will be soon be followed by trousers off with an English slapper, a Saint loss will soon be followed by more self-absorbed scrutiny from Mike “As Consistent as Shoaib Aktar” Sheahan, as he continues his on-again, off-again love affair with the ORFC. Poor old Grant Thomas must read every Sheahan column and be sitting in his office at Moorabbin thinking “He loves me, he loves me not”. This week was a “loves me not week” from Mike, as he heartlessly turned on his favourite love children:

 

 

However, something good has finally come out of Mike’s fickleness. If we read his article closely, we can see that maybe, just maybe, the lesser football media may at last be paying attention to footballinvectice.com, as Sheahan made the following startling (for him) admission:

 

At last Mike Sheahan has said it. Only two years after footballinvective.com first started saying it.

 

But don’t expect this dose of sober realism from Mike to last. After all, his history of fickleness in his love affair with the Saints speaks for itself:

·         Round 1, 2005: They’ll win the flag

·         Round 21, 2005: “This man (Thomas) will not be the next premiership coach”

·         Qualifying Final, 2005: (Saints won) “Can we (Sheahan and Thomas) kiss and make up?”

·         Round 1, 2006: They’ll win the flag

·         Round 7, 2006: “Saints may not make the eight”

 

With ‘journalism’ such as this, we can no doubt expect Mike to once again be Channel 7’s resident expert when it gets the TV rights back next year. 

 

 

Hero of the Week: Plugger Brown - Just like Nathan Thompson last week, exposed the over-rated Hawks and sent thousands more Hawthorn supporters back into the woodwork with 8 goals.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Rex Hunt - The bearded burbler never ceases to amaze. It’s always the ones you least expect…

 

Clanger of the Week: Mike Sheahan - It wouldn’t be a footy season without Mike getting at least one nomination in this category. With one notch on his belt after Round 7, he could even make it two or three the way he’s going.