Round 6, 2006

 

 

It’s almost time for the Fat Lady to mount the stage in the middle of Moorabool St and declare Geelong’s season over, as the Cats blew another winnable game against the Dees after leading all day, before their confidence once again deflated as quickly as Shane Warne’s newest playmate (see below). Josh Hunt was guilty of the year’s most blatant piece of LWA (Lairising Without Ability), as he arrogantly showed off the ball and twirled it on his finger as he lined up for a goal that would have put Geelong 26 points up halfway through the third quarter. Of course, he missed, and the Cats went down. Cameron Mooney was the victim of the second Geelong tribunal stitch-up this year, after Ben Holland ran into his head (Dutchy must have confused him with a mirror to have been wanting to get that close to an opponent).

 

The Lions went down to the Swans at the Gabbatoir, with Big Bad Barry and Adam Goodes dominating. This week Brisbane return to Carrara to play Hawthorn, which is fitting given their recent Brisbane Bears-like form, and last place on the ladder. The Hawthorn bubble, however, was well and truly burst by the Roos this week, and they’re not such a happy team anymore. After three weeks of getting waaaaaay too ahead of themselves and jumping the gun faster than Linford Christie at the ’96 Olympics, thousands of cocky Hawthorn supporters have now disappeared back into the woodwork.

 

Perhaps the Hawk players were distracted by the focus on their president Jeff Kennett, whose ‘comeback’ for the Liberal Party was about as useful as Plugger’s for the Swans. It has been pointed out by several footballinvective.com readers with Hawk sympathies that our anti-Hawthorn prejudices can be a bit harsh at times and we should at least try to make one positive comment about them. We graciously accept this criticism and agree that we should give some credit where it’s due. Accordingly, in the interests of saying something nice about the Hawks, we hereby declare that:

 

                 - They are better than Carlton.

 

There. It’s done.

 

Last week Nathan Thompson was roundly criticised for pulling himself off in the last quarter. But Thompson turned it around this week with strong marking and an 8-goal haul. Hawk fans can now stop kidding themselves that Zac Dawson is not the most ordinary full back in the league, having conceded 7 goals or more to dinosaur forwards in 2 out of 6 games already this year.

 

However, whilst the lesser football media wrote up the Arab’s performance with clichés about redemption and forgiveness, we at footballinvective.com believe he shouldn’t get off that lightly. Accordingly, after a week of trying to come up with something, we hereby present our Letterman-style Top 10 reasons why Nathan Thompson pulled himself off:

 

10. Marsellus Wallace gave him a wad of cash before the game and told him “In the fourth, your ass goes down”

9. In keeping with his Hawthorn pretty boy history, he realised he was running late for his back crack and sack wax

8. In keeping with his Hawthorn pretty boy history, he thought he'd check out his guns on the electronic scoreboard, after taking another superb one-grab speccie

7. In keeping with his Hawthorn pretty boy history, he sat out the dying minutes of the match in silent protest over the de-listing of Lance Picioane and the continued absence from the firsts of Jade Rawlings 

6. In keeping with his Hawthorn pretty boy history, sat out the dying minutes of the match devastated at having busted the finger nail on his right pinkie in a marking duel

5. He heard the siren at Aurora Stadium from across Bass Strait and thought the game was over, which just goes to show how deaf and dumb the umpires at the Saints-Freo game were

4. He saw that TAC ad on the scoreboard saying "a 15 minute power nap could save your life" and took it literally

3. He was actually pulled off by Dean Laidley, in another Junkyard Mutt attempt at a 'cunning tactical ploy'. Under strict club orders, he is told to 'take one for the team' and say it was his idea, in order to protect the coach from further embarassment

2. He had a moment like Geoff Haywood in “The Club” when he saw a majestic “Prince of Seagulls” soaring above the MCG, and just wandered off the ground so as to admire it from a better vantage point

1. Thommo got wind of a rumour that a footballinvective.com writer was watching the game from the crowd, and simply couldn't wait to get his hands on the bastard (nail-biting finish notwithstanding)

The Arab - Still clanging

 

It was meant to be “Rivalry Round” this week, in which great historical rivalries are revisited, but footballinvective.com was left scratching its head at some of the match-ups, namely:

• Saints and Dogs – 2 flags between them. Is this meant to represent the historical rivalry for the title of most mediocre team in history?

• Geelong and Melbourne – as Peter from Peterborough pointed out on the Coodabeens, there wasn’t much rivalry in the Long Room between the moleskin-clad blue blood Geelong supporters and the urban establishment Melbourne supporters. Conviviality Round would be a more apt description of the Melbourne-Geelong game from the point of view of the born-to-rule set who filled the Members Stand on Friday night.

• Fitzroy and South Melbourne – yep, lots of historic rivalry there. Apart from the all-in brawl between the two teams in “The Great McCarthy” it’s hard to think of any memorable contests between the two. Queensland versus New South Wales may mean something in the NRL (National Rapist League) but for those of us in the Home of Football (SA and Victoria) it doesn’t even register.

• Essendon and Richmond – not really rivals for anything, other than in the deluded minds of Tiger fans, who think they will somehow be able to lure Sheedy back to Punt Road, though realistically, Richmond has as much chance of rivalling Essendon for Sheedy’s services as Melbourne Victory has of rivaling Real Madrid for Beckham, Zidane and Ronaldo.

The biggest event in South Australia for the year took place on Saturday night, namely Showdown XX. The Power lost the fourth Showdown in a row to the Crows, going down by almost 50 points to the chardonnay sippers. Comprehensive reports from the Adelaide police have not yet been compiled, but there is anecdotal evidence that electrical goods have flooded the black market since Saturday night. Too bad Port fans no longer have a need for televisions, given that their team is likely to continue to embarrass for the rest of the season. Teal Coloured Glasses was at Moron Park and left early to buy a TV from a car boot in the Max Basheer Reserve, before sending his usual reflections:

 

Until quite recently, readers of footballinvective.com have been able to tune in for their weekly fix of Tigerwatch – a blissful time in our week as we all forgot our daily troubles by pointing and laughing at the poor angry Tiger fans as their anger levels soared when season after season went up in smoke. No matter how bas things got for our own sides, we thought to ourselves ‘things could always be worse’. After a colossal hammering in Round 1 however, Tigerwatch was cancelled for the year – the logic being that Tiger fans could not get any angrier than they already were after the opening day shellacking. 

 

A few weeks ago in this column, the character of the Power side was compared to that of the Tiges as consistently gutless performances intertwined with some outrageous lairising meant that Port began to bear an uncanny resemblance to Plough’s hapless bunch. As a result, it is only fitting that the transformation be made complete with the installation of Powerwatch – for the anger bubbling away under the surface among the Alberton faithful after a fourth consecutive Showdown defeat is surely about to explode into a barrage of torn memberships, wild gesticulations at the coaches box and vitriolic talkback radio callers as violent and deranged as any provoked Richmond mob could hope to be.

 

It was an identical story to last week’s loss to the Pies at the Phone Dome as Port started lethargically to go behind early, followed up with a second quarter blitz to get themselves back into the game, and then completely capitulated in the premiership quarter when the game was there to be won. These incomprehensibly inconsistent showings from week to week now seem to occur from quarter to quarter as meek and submissive spells transform into ferocious and brutal hurricanes in an instant, and then die out again just as quickly. 

 

From 26 points down at quarter time, Port exploded with 5 goals in six minutes to take the lead late in the second quarter thanks largely to some very promising lairiness from young gun Danyle Pearce. After taking the lead however, Port abandoned its free-flowing, risk taking approach and instead reverted back to the overly-careful, scared-to-make-a-mistake chipping garbage that had got it into such a big hole to begin with. Strangely enough, the result was exactly the same – the Crows would wait for an inevitable skill error in the wet and then pounce, often taking it the length of the field to repeatedly hammer nails into the Power coffin.

 

The smug and smarmy visage of ‘Genius’ Neil Craig now haunts the dreams of every Power fan as the time ticks down until the next chance for revenge against his crew of ultra-fit-but-no-talent arse clowns. For now, a clash with the Bulldogs at Footy Park awaits and at 2-4 only a win will do against Rocket’s mosquito fleet. Keep an eye (ear) out for Brett Montgomery’s welcome as he returns to FP for the first time since his infamous ‘the Power have given up’ tirade on his way out of the Queen St exit door late last year. A Port win is desperately needed this week both to prove that statement wrong and to hold off a Round 7 ‘turning’ by Port fans as they come under the intense glare of Powerwatch. Watch this space.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Nathan Thompson. Nothing to do with any lesser football media notions of “redemption” or any such nonsense. His performance this week should be considered on its merits and in isolation. Accordingly, any performance which single-handedly puts Hawthorn back in its box with 8 goals qualifies in its own right

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Hard to go past Warnie. One week after his last pair of pommy slappers sold their story to the tabloids and said he couldn’t perform and was “out for a duck”, the Shiek of Tweak managed to spin the story more than a fifth day wicket in India, as he conveniently managed to get himself captured on camera with a rubber inflatable and two more slappers, who were happy to talk him up with soon-to-be-infamous comments such as this:

Blonde television presenter Emma Kearney, also 25, said Warne had likewise bowled her over. "Shane's a stallion and very willing to experiment. He loved playing around with the inflatable and was up for anything," she told the tabloid.

Warnie - Not Out

 

Clanger of the Week: Jason Akermanis. The Prince of Petulance had his best dummy-spit since the 2004 Grand Final, got himself reported and gave away two consecutive free kicks for two consecutive goals. Aker later received rough justice when he was dropped from the team indefinitely by the ‘senior playing group’ (not the selectors) until he mends his attitude. Aker’s temperament is a bit like Geelong’s confidence – nothing to worry about when things are going well, but at the first sign of trouble it goes out the window faster than the dignity of a 25 year-old English TV presenter. As much as he has been Good for Football over the years, Aker's time could soon be up.

Aker - Yesterday's Man