Round 5, 2006

 

 

The eyes of the world were on Tasmania last weekend, as the two miners got rescued but Fremantle got the shaft. For the third week in a row, incompetent umpiring determined the result of a close match (at least for 3 days). In the last 3 rounds, various AFL umpires have taken turns in being deaf, dumb and blind:

·         Two weeks ago in the Melbourne-Crows game at Cararra, the BLIND goal umpire cost the Demons 2 premiership points by ruling that Aaron Davey’s shot for goal to tie the scores was touched on the line by Trent Henschell, despite Henschell being seated in the second row of the grandstand at the time.

·         Last week a DUMB field umpire gave the Bulldogs 4 soft free kicks (and one 50 metre penalty) in front of goal in the space of 5 minutes in the second quarter, thus gift-wrapping the Dogs 1 goal 3 (which made all the difference in a 1 point ball game).

·        This week it was 3 DEAF umpires failing to hear the final siren in Launceston, thus allowing the game to continue and the Over-Rated Football Club to be charged with receiving stolen goods, as it (temporarily) pinched 2 premiership points from the hapless Donkeys.

 

The events in Launceston show that no act of wilful ignorance, stupidity or sociopathy is beyond the AFL’s umpiring fraternity. If pictures tell 1,000 words then consider the following:

 

First, 18 Fremantle players managed to hear the siren, but 3 arseclown umpires did not:

 

 

When even Des Headland could figure it out, surely 3 umpires could. The Fat Lady had well and truly sung, however, the arseclown then decides to proceed with a ball-up:

 

 

Look closely at the expression on the face of the arseclown. It’s as if he is thinking that the more Freo players that tell him it’s over, the more determined he is to keep the game going and make even more of a goose of himself.

 

Finally, Saint Steven Baker has his shot for goal, and was understandably pole-axed by an Angry Docker:

 

 

Then, as if looking to win first prize in the Umpires Association annual “I’m A Bigger Arseclown Than You” award, Baker got given a free kick at goal, before the arseclowns finally realised the game was over – at around about the time that the cricket season groundsman started bringing the roller onto the ground to start preparing a pitch for the 2006/07 season, such was the time that had elapsed.

 

However, whilst the events of last Sunday have attracted much attention, they should not be allowed to overshadow the two most important things to come out of this game:

1.      Just how ordinary the Over-Rated Football Club is at present; and

2.      The rank imbecility of some of the comments on this debacle by the lesser football media, who all attempted to do their best Kent Brockman impersonations by putting in their two cents’ worth.

 

In terms of the ‘analysis’ provided by the lesser football media, there were some gems.

 

In The Rage on Monday, Tim Lane had what Sir Humphrey Appleby would describe as a “novel” view, and what Baldrick would proudly declare was a “cunning plan”:

“To award Sunday's match to Fremantle, which I suspect is now a serious possibility, would in effect be a reversion to mob rule. It would be to give the game to the team whose coach invaded the ground like an angry wrestler, demanding that the contest was his. It would be to hand the prize over to the kids who turned on the loudest tantrum, screaming: "They're our four points!"

 

If ever Tim Lane’s house gets burgled and the police don’t take action because he ran out into the street and showed a bit of emotion then perhaps he might re-consider his views about the response by Freo officials.

 

Not to be outdone, Patrick Smith in The Australian won first prize for inconsistency. In his column on the Monday he was adamant that it should be a draw:

“As unfair as the draw seems to Fremantle, it would appear the result must stand. The AFL rules directly address circumstances where the umpires do not hear the siren. The game is not over until the umpires call it. Rule 10.4.2 is hardly ambiguous: "Play in each quarter shall come to an end when any one of the field umpires hears the siren." … There can only be one thing the AFL investigation must establish. Did any umpire hear the siren before they called the game at an end? If not, the result stands.”

 

But if a week is a long time in politics, 3 days is long enough in football for a “respected” columnist to do a 180 degree about face. After the AFL reversed the result on Wednesday night, Smith’s column on the Thursday was in fulsome agreement:

“the spirit of sport has prevailed over the rules of the game. That is hardly a bad thing.”

 

But if Patrick Smith’s musings on the Monday and the Thursday left a bit to be desired, he was spot-on in his Wednesday column:

“In too many cases football deals in the business of fools.”

 

Patrick Smith saying football is a business of fools is a bit like Fat Tony Mokbel saying the drug trade is a business of crims – they are each perfectly qualified to judge.

 

Not surprisingly, Terry Wallace also weighed into the controversy and, as expected, made a goose of himself. Plow Wallace, of course, shows as much judgement when it comes to keeping his mouth shut as Monica Lewinsky did, and just couldn’t resist putting in his two bob’s worth by saying it should be a draw. Yet in justifying this position he unwittingly revealed much more about himself, and confirmed what footballinvective.com already knew:

“I think that's morally wrong, but that would be the decision I would make."

 

That really says it all about Plow.

 

Both Lane and Smith must have felt confident that their efforts this week would put them in the running for this year’s Mike Sheahan Medal for Clanger of the Year by the football media but then, this Thursday, up popped the man himself to remind us exactly why this great football honour is named after him:

 

Sheahan, seemingly desperate to come up with something original to say in relation to this most over-analysed of issues, managed to express his concern that:

“The AFL Commission has elevated “fair play” above perhaps the most fundamental of all football laws.

“It has chosen to do “the right thing” rather than apply the most basic of laws.”

 

Well, shock horror – “fair play” and “the right thing” should influence a decision in a sporting contest! This is obviously a radical concept for Mike. And why does Mike feel the need to put the terms “fair play” and “the right thing” in inverted commas? Perhaps this says something about his own attitude towards ethical conduct, just as Plow’s comments gave us a window into his soul. Or perhaps Sheahan’s argument is simply the latest installment of his blindly loyal love affair with St Kilda and its coach?

 

Moving onto other topics, it’s been a big week in the clanger department for Patrick Smith, who also put his foot in it last weekend when he let fly at Richie Vandenberg’s comments last week that Hawthorn’s infamous brawl against Essendon in 2004 had been a turning point for the team, and had made them change their beliefs from a bunch of body-waxing catwalk wannabes to a team with a greater sense of aggression and purpose. Yet Smith, without the benefit of having played with the Hawks, trained with the Hawks, or being able to read their minds, assured Vandenberg that this was not the case:

“The statement showed a heavy arrogance built on speculative foundations.”

 

“Speculative foundations”? Call us geniuses (many would) but footballinvective.com believes it not really arguable that if a captain of a team says the team believes something, then it is not really possible for a member of the boneheaded football media to tell them that they actually don’t. Whether or not Smith approves of Richie’s beliefs, he can hardly allege that he doesn’t actually hold them and that they are all “speculative”.

 

However, Richie went a bit too far when he boldly declared that:

"From that point on, to be quite honest, I don't think I have heard anyone call Hawthorn pretty boys any more."

 

Clearly he has not been reading footballinvective.com.

 

Yet whilst Richie maybe overstating the case, her clearly has a point. Hawthorn winning 3 out of 4 games is a major achievement, and shows that the club has progressed since the dark days of 2001-2004, back in the era when:

• Shane Crawford appeared on the back page of the Hun sniffing flowers and boasting about his “gay traits”;

• Trent Croad was busy telling us that he was really more interested in the property market than playing football;

• Angelo Lekkis and “Fat Chance” Bateman preened themselves up before every game like a couple of Victoria’s Secrets models preparing for a show;

• Dutchy Holland lamented his perennial status in the Box Hill Hawks only because it meant he couldn’t show off his latest designer haircut to a wider audience.

Yep, the times have changed at Hawthorn.    ….Or have they?

 

In another close game between the Roos and Melbourne the Dees finally notched up a victory against a team even softer than themselves. Aaron Davey and Byron Pickett starred for the Demons, though Pickett’s presence at his new club is likely to cause concern amongst Melbourne supporters, who will be fearful of parking their Range Rovers anywhere near Pickett’s car in the MCG car park.

 

Yet the biggest story from the match was Roo full forward Nathan “The Arab” Thompson taking himself off after kicking 5 goals with his team in front by a point with 3 minutes left, because he “needed a rest”. With nobody to kick to, three further 50 metre clearances quickly rebounded and Melbourne ran out 4 point winners.

 

Where is his Shinboner Spirit?, we might rightly ask. The answer is of course, that he never had any - it should be remembered of course, that he was recruited from Hawthorn in the height of Richie Vandenberg’s much-lamented pretty boy era. As if to prove the point, he even defended his decision the day after:

"I think it’s old fashioned thinking that when you are stuffed that you have to basically play to you die sort of thing,"

"It was just a split second decision, I was absolutely stuffed at the time and I stand by that decision.”
"I put a fresh man on (Petrie) and at the time I think it was the team thing to do and I stand by that."

 

Thommo was criticized for pulling himself off in the last quarter. His subsequent excuses show that he was still doing so (with some vigour) the next day. With performances like this, the Arab has made himself the runaway favourite for the John Bourke Medal for Clanger of the Year by a player. (“take the boy off…. er, he just took himself off”)

 

The Arab’s performance brought back memories of the infamous efforts of “Lay Down Sally” Robbins in the Olympic rowing final in 2004. But whilst Lay Down Sally’s ‘effort’ in Athens provoked the mother of all cat fights amongst 8 muscular 6-foot women (a scary sight if ever their was one), the Arab’s antics produced exactly the opposite response. In fact, his coach, the Junkyard Mutt, defended his decision, despite it blatantly undermining a coach’s authority and probably costing the Roos the game:

"he was buggered and he just brought himself off in the last few minutes because he just physically could not go. So that shows you his work rate because he's a very fit person.”

 

In a week full of boneheaded comments, Laidley’s surely takes the cake: A full forward pulling himself off in a crucial moment of the game proves that he is fit and has a high work rate. As John McEnroe would say, You Cannot Be Serious. With comments and logic like that, it’s time the Mutt was given the Robert Doyle treatment and ‘tapped on the shoulder’ by the powers that be at Arden St. Next he’ll be saying that Dean “The Flying Pudding” Rioli’s skinfold tests prove that he has a great diet and is in peak fitness. It’s time this Junkyard Dog was taken for a looooong walk.

 

The Arab: No Ticker

 

Over at Moron Park the (gay) pride of SA gave the Bulldogs a football lesson, and in the process revived memories of the last two times they brutally burst the bubble of the Dogs – in the ’97 and ’98 prelim finals. And we all know what happened in the Grand Final those 2 years, don’t we…

 

Their colleagues from the State of Excitement, Port Power, fared less well against the Pies. Tireless Port correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses had this to say:

 

The emotional roller coaster of life as a Power fan took another enormous plunge on Sunday as Eddie’s Pies rode an 8-goal third quarter blitz to out-muscle a youthful Port side at the Phone Dome. The Power’s lengthy injury list included Wilson, Kingsley, Brogan and Wanganeen but it was the loss of Daryl Wakelin that hurt Port’s cause the most.

 

The suspension of Wakelin for a week for elbowing “Rapist” Milne in the face (I ask you, should striking Milney be a reportable offence? I think not. Surely most female footy fans would agree that he deserves “rougher than usual handling”) meant that veritable rookie Troy Chaplin was given the task of standing big Anthony, and his performance was more much more Dawson than the Silvagni it needed to be given the form Rocca was in. Four goals in the first half and young Troy was quickly shifted on to Chris Tarrant who - thankfully for Chaplin - is apparently allergic to shooting for goal and spared the youngster any further embarrassment.

 

Strangely enough, when the half time siren sounded (and the players began walking from the field, whilst the umps diligently went about calling for a ball up and desperately looking for a free kick to give the Victorian team, in keeping with standard operating procedure on display at Launceston), Port Adelaide was only a point behind but, as has so often been the case since that magical day in September of 2004, when the game was there to be won there were too many Power players content to sit back and watch, letting others do the work for them. Fingers must be pointed at the likes of Dew, P Burgoyne and even the great man Warren Tredrea, all of whom look disjointed, dispirited and disinterested. Much like the current Victorian Liberal opposition.

 

The task doesn’t get any easier this week as Showdown MMXCVIII looms large on the horizon (seriously, we can lose the roman numerals now surely?). ‘Genius’ Neil Craig has no doubt been locked deep in his underground lab beneath Max Basheer Reserve coming up with all manner of Machiavellian schemes designed to play havoc with the Power’s fragile mental state and it would take some kind of Beaconsfield-sized miracle for Port to emerge triumphant this week. Having said that, the see-saw nature of Port’s season is due for an ‘up’ swing this week so there is a glimmer of hope. Actually cancel that, there isn’t.

 

Up in Sydney the most anticipated match of the year so far turned into the biggest fizzer of the year so far as Geelong got about as much revenge on their September nemesis as Tony Montana got on Alex Sosa in ‘Scarface’. Unlike Geelong however, at least Montana went down fighting.

 

Geelong managed to produce two highlights in an otherwise forgettable performance, with Ablett Junior kicking the goal of the year with a miraculous leg break from the middle of a pack that skidded through on the fifth bounce, whilst Brad Ottens took the mark of the year on the half back line. Ottens’ speccy had bemused Cat fans scratching their heads asking why doesn’t he take marks like that when he is playing in the forward line? Or, to be more precise, why doesn’t he take marks per se in the forward line? Or, to be even more previse, why doesn’t he even go for marks in the forward line?

 

Cameron “The Big Hairy Cat” Mooney was again Geelong’s best player, but made a candid admission when he declared in the Hun that the team’s confidence is about as fragile as job security of a state opposition leader:

"Since the Hawthorn game, confidence has been shot a bit,"

"(Our game) was terrible, wasn't it? For some reason we were just very slow, stop-start, a lot of chip and it's just not our game. As we were walking into halftime we knew it.

"But you think the second half you'd play a lot more attacking but by then we were just down and things just weren't happening for us. I'm not sure where we're going wrong there. We're just not playing with that attacking flair at the moment."

 

Unlike Richie Vandenberg, perhaps Mooney has been reading footballinvective.com, which, along with Sam Newman (but unlike the lesser football media) has been saying for a year now that Geelong’s sideways, indecisive style of play makes the seated poultry, and it’s all a matter of attitude whether or not they play that style of game, or a confident, fast-running, long-kicking style of game (which they were able to do before they lost their confidence against the Hawks).

 

Furthermore, Cameron Ling admitted last week in the Football Record that Geelong had gone into the Hawthorn game not respecting their opponents. These are bad signs for Geelong. Good teams do not allow one loss to an ordinary team to shatter their confidence, nor do they flirt with their form by disrespecting their opponents. Moreover, good teams have on-field leaders who do not allow such things to happen. Geelong’s captain Big Ted (aka Stephen King) returns in the ruck for Geelong this week, but he is shown he is not likely to provide such hard-edged leadership. Instead, the Cats need a captain who can lead by example and put the backbone back into the Cats. Mooney has the passion, the consistency and the fearlessness to lead by example.

 

It’s time for Big Ted to make way for the Big Hairy Puss – before yet another season is confined to that bulging chapter in the Geelong history book entitled “Underachievement”.

 

Big Hairy Cat – Time to Step Up

 

 

Hero of the Week: Aaron Davey – For the second time in 3 weeks he kicked the crucial last quarter goal for the Demons, only this time there was no arseclown umpire to rule that it had been touched on the line by an opposition player in the second row.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: As the egos continue to grow at Hawthorn, young wannabe Campbell Brown showed his was up there with the best of them with some superb gratuitous lairising, despite the pouring rain, before he slammed home a goal from point blank range in the last quarter to help get over the Dons by a point. With show-off behaviour such as this, young Brown may be on his way to antagonising almost as many people as his old man. That can only be Good for Football.

 

Clanger of the Week #1: Arseclown Umpires in Launceston – all three were responsible: M Vozzo, H Kennedy, M Nicholls – hang your heads in shame. In recent weeks the ability of AFL umpires to properly apply the law has been about as effective as the Solomon Islands police department. Ordinary football fans are fast losing patience. If umpiring standards do not improve then Vigilante Justice and random lynch mobs may be the only options left for frustrated footy fans. Undoubtedly there are plenty of Richmond fans ready to lead the way.

 

Clanger of the Week #2: Nathan Thompson – In any other week he would have been a runaway winner, but still impossible to ignore.