Round 4, 2006

 

 

On Saturday at the Phone Dome, long-suffering Geelong fans were given (yet) more reasons to lament, as the Hot Dogs knocked off the Scaredy Cats by 1 solitary point. In a passage of play that summed up the day, Lindsay Gilbee did a Forrest Gump impersonation with his 6 bounce run from the full-back kick out to set up a goal for Brad Johnston. The incident typified the difference in approach between the two teams. The Dogs were prepared to take risks and pump the ball forward, whereas Geelong, despite having more possessions, more centre clearances and more inside-50s was instead content to chip the ball around sideways in the hope that an easy way forward would magically materialise. The Cats have the ability to win big games like this, but they seem to forget that football without risk-taking is like Batman without Robin – missing a certain crucial ingredient.

 

Gary Ablett junior’s brilliant performance invoked memories of his old man in the ’89 Grand Final (ie. poetry in motion), whilst brother Nathan had a match which, let’s face it, brought back memories of his dad in the 1995 Grand Final (no goals, and a veritable Turkish bath from Silvagni).

 

In what can only be described as nothing less than a blight on the game, a certain Arseclown umpire wearing number 29 gave the Dogs four set shots for goal from free kicks within 5 minutes in the second quarter, from which they kicked 1.3. The goal came from a supposed ‘incident’ in the half back huddle before a kick out when Kane Tenace allegedly had a Dog player walk into him and then fall over. The Arseclown then not only gave away a free, but also a 50 minute penalty. In a one point ball game, it made all the difference. For once, even the lesser football media agreed. Sam Newman stormed out of his Triple M commentary box in disgust, saying "I'm not going to watch that type of crap any more and you should come out with me."

 

The Hun also shared this view, with its description of the match including a reference to some “mind-blowing umpiring decisions”.

 

Even the much much-sanitised Telstra Bigpond advertisement (aka the AFL web site) also let fly at the standard of umpiring:

”There were never more than two goals all day between the two teams in a game which was only marred by some over-umpiring in the first half.”

 

However, regrettably (yet not surprisingly) The Rage, always last with the news and easily the least perceptive outlet of the lesser football media, missed the point completely, and its report of the match had nothing at all to say about a newsworthy incident that had the rest of the lesser media jumping out of its skin.

 

According to the Football Record the umpires for the Bulldogs-Geelong game were McBurney, Jeffery and Vozzo. Unfortunately, footballinvective.com was unable to figure out which one of these three was the Arseclown wearing number 29 who paid the four forward line free kicks. To better aid identification (and accountability), we suggest that umpires should stop wearing numbers and instead have their names on their backs, together with their residential address and car registration number.

 

The Arseclowns also made a “contribution” is the crucial last 5 minutes of the Sydney-Melbourne game, first by paying a free for “in the back” against Leo Barry for going for a completely legitimate speccy from behind (thus giving Robbo a set shot at goal), then paying an absurd 50 against Jared Rivers for giving the ball back to back to Eamon Buchanan half an inch too high after a free was paid, giving Buchanan a charity goal from point blank range. In a 5 point ball game, either decision could have decided the game. Last week an Arseclown goal umpire at Cararra cost the Demons at least 2 premiership points. This week they almost cost them 4, having definitely cost Geelong 4 the day before.

 

Next round the Cats venture to Sydney in search of redemption after THAT loss last September. If they should need any further motivation for this auspicious re-match they should think of General Douglas McArthur, who famously declared after his 1942 retreat from the Philippines that “I Shall Return”. McArthur managed to keep his vow and returned in triumph in ‘45, though being armed with B-29s and atomic bombs no doubt helped. It was certainly a somewhat more formidable arsenal that the Louis Vuitton suede accessories that Geelong is always at risk of turning up with.

 

In an auspicious sign for the Cats, its September nemesis Nick Davis will miss the game through injury and the Swans still seem about as hungover as Barney from The Simpsons at the moment, but with Geelong being Geelong, we expect the hoodoo to continue for the Cats.

 

The Eagles predictably beat the oh-so-predictable DOBM Roos at Manuka in a match about as memorable as Canberra’s nightlife, but the big news from the Eagles is the return to the club last week of Michael Gardiner after his exile to the WAFL. Gardiner is said to have gained an extra yard or two in pace during his sabbatical and his team mates are sure to welcome the extra speed that he will bring back to the club. His interest in returning to the Eagles is said to have shot up in recent weeks and he will be keen to get out on the field and have a crack, especially when he is under the hammer. Eagles officials are said to be in ecstasy at his return, and always considered him to be a real dope to ever leave in the first place. They will be keeping close tabs on him to ensure they weed out any flaws in his game.

 

Gardiner: high on enthusiasm

 

The Tigers upset the Lions at the Gabbatoir, with Matty Richardson starring. The “most passionate fans in the league” were whipped into a frenzy, and the result is sure to provoke further debate in their ranks about Richo’s value to the team.

 

Several years ago at a Richmond game at the MCG footballinvective.com had the good fortune to get stuck in the middle of a spirited argument between several Tiger fans on the subject of Richo. From this debate it was concluded that there are 3 schools of thought within the Richmond fraternity on the value of their enigmatic star. The debate went something like this:

 

Richmond Fan #1: “We’re shit because the team doesn’t kick it

                          to Richo”

Richmond Fan #2: “No, we’re shit because Richo doesn’t play for his team    mates”

Richmond Fan #3: “No, we’re shit because the umpires are always crucifying Richo!”

 

Port Adelaide and St Kilda played the best game of the year so far, with Port back to their hard-running best of 2004. Not coincidentally, the game was substantially assisted by an absence of Arseclown umpiring, with the officials letting the game go and not paying technical free kicks. Victorian umpires should take note – once again South Australia is setting an example for everyone else. Our rabid Port correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses interrupted his busy schedule of ANZAC Day services at the Salisbury RSL to produce his gracious and modest weekly wrap-up:

 

Aside from winning a Showdown, a home and away win just doesn’t get any better than beating St Kilda. The current-day Saints are surely the most over-rated football side in the history of the game.

 

The free ride this team has been given by the likes of Sheahan, Healy et al over the last three years as they have salivated over the intoxicating collection of first round picks at Moorabbin is nothing short of a disgrace. The fact that St Kilda has assembled this bunch of wannabes by being consistently rubbish seems to have been overlooked by the so-called experts and consequently this mob of eyelash-dyeing invertebrates deserve absolutely no respect.

 

Whenever talk turns to the Sainters, it is ‘the courage of Hamill’, ‘the athletic ability of Riewoldt’ and the collective potential of the team that dominates discussion. This is the rot we are subjected to instead of the reality, which is this: Hamill can’t run, Riewoldt can’t kick and the team, like its coach, turns to water whenever the heat is turned up.

 

How a team which despite their posse of priority picks hasn’t won a flag since before man walked on the moon can fleece seemingly intelligent footy scribes to remain the darling of the Melbourne media is a greater mystery than what happened to Harold Holt. It is for these reasons that St Kilda fully deserves their mantle of Over-Rated FC and that getting one over them is so incredibly satisfying!

 

As ordinary as St Kilda are as a team and a club, it was vintage Port Adelaide on offer on Monday night. Six of the best from “Mr September” Mahoney and five from Dewboy the exclamation marks on a committed, physical and courageous performance. It’s a shame that it requires condemnation of their character by respected football pundits – and by extension footballinvective.com – to inspire the sort of effort on show on Anzac Eve.

 

On this showing, there is no reason to suggest that Port can’t make a serious run at a finals berth – which makes the horrendous showing against Freo in Round 3 all the more maddening. The contrast from that game to this is stark and makes guessing which Port team will show up to play on any given weekend as tricky as picking an Italian election result.

 

It’s off to the Telstra Dome next week as the Teal Army descends on Melbourne for the first time in ’06 to take on Collingwood. With the Pies almost as schizophrenic as the Power, it’s anyone’s guess as to how that one might turn out. One thing can be guaranteed however: the Magpie fans will be out in force. A win over the great unwashed to follow the victory over ORFC? Dare we dream the ultimate double could become a reality? We shall see.

 

The ANZAC Day match and the return of football to the MCG attracted Grand Final style hype in Melbourne this week, which was fitting given that Collingwood has well and truly played its GF for 2006. The city of Melbourne will this week be full of Pie fans dusting off their scarves for the first time since 2003 and gloating that they sit third on the ladder after (…drumroll….) Round 4. But, like the supposed ‘fashion’ that is Andrew Lovett’s current haircut, it won’t last. Collingwood may have played with the spirit of Simpson on ANZAC Day, but they’ll be looking more like the Donkey come September.

 

Although the big game was officially a “sell-out” a crowd of ‘only’ 91,234 turned up. This “capacity” crowd was despite all seats in the public section and the AFL members being sold out. Once again, the members of the MCC (which oh-so-modestly boast on it is web site that it is “arguably the biggest sporting club in the world”) simply failed to show up to a big game:

 

 

Footballinvective.com was at the game and has concluded that the actual redevelopment of the MCG is also a disappointment. Before football fans get carried away with the hype about the new Home of Football that has been served up in the lesser football media this week, they should reflect on certain glaring design flaws with the new grandstand, namely: WAY to much space has been dedicated to glass-enclosed dining rooms and spiv boxes at the expense of normal seats for normal battler fans. Footballinvective.com has a long memory and recalls that, in 1992 when the Great Southern Stand was opened, architect Daryl Jackson commented that he wanted it to look like “a wall of human faces”. In the case of the new MCG, the two best viewing levels are not so much a wall of faces as two walls of glass enclosing a bunch of over-privileged spivs:

 

 

Back in 2000 when the Phone Dome first opened (or Colon Stadium as it was then known) the new stadium was criticised for exactly the same reason, ie. the best viewing levels were taken up by the $5,000 a year (and always three-quarters empty) Spiv Club plus two levels of glass boxes. As a result, the Phone Dome earned a reputation as a silvertail ground which shunned battlers. The MCG cleverly capitalised on this disillusionment by giving itself the new marketing slogan of “the People’s Ground”. However, at the same as it extolled its virtues to battlers as “the People’s Ground” the MCC was busy designing its new redevelopment to include exactly the same design flaw that had prompted such criticism down the road at Colon.

 

The consequences of this policy have not been merely an undue emphasis on spivs ahead of battlers, it has also resulted in significantly less normal seats being installed – and the breaking of another major promise by the MCC. In 2003, when the redevelopment was first gettign underway, the MCC boasted, in an article entitled “MCG CAPACITY TO REACH 100,000 MARK” that:

“The MCG will again boast a capacity of 100,000 when redevelopment work is completed in 2005. The boost to capacity will be shared 50:50 between public patrons and MCC members.”

 

However, it is now clear that this statement was nothing more than a con to dupe unsuspecting batters (as was calling itself the “People’s Ground”) for the spivs ultimately won the day. The spivs got their rows upon rows of glass boxes, but the end result of their triumph is that the finished capacity of the ground, as announced last week, will only be 98,500 – ie. the same as before (and less than the 99,645 who attended the 1997 Grand Final).

 

For those still in doubt about where the priorities of the supposed “People’s Ground” and those running it really lie, take a quick look at the following extract from its web site and check out some of the deals on offer for its preferred kind of patron (below). It quickly becomes apparent that it is the “People’s Ground” in the same sense that China’s one-party dictatorship is the “People’s Republic”:

 

 

Alternatively, for spivvy soccer fans who would like to attend the Souvlaki-Meat Pie Cup (or whatever silly name they give it) between Australia and Greece next month, perhaps the following deal on the MCC web site might appeal to them:

 

            Gold Dining Package @ $550 per person

Yarra Park Room – L3, Northern Stand

Keith Miller & Jack Ryder Dining Rooms – L2, Great Southern Stand

Includes:

- Category 1 ticket

- Premium reserved undercover seating

- 2 course dinner with supper served at half time break

- Post match drinks and snacks

- Selection of premium ales, wines and refreshments served throughout the evening

- Official program

- Company table branding

- MC & Guest speaker

- 1 car park voucher per 5 guests

 

The MCG’s descent into shameless spivvery does not merely extend to only its pricing of seats. It even extends to its visual imagery as well. According to the MCC’s publicity during the construction stage, the concourse of the new Northern Stand was meant to look like this:

 

Not surprisingly, footballinvective.com failed to see any similarities when we turned up at the new Olympic Stand last Tuesday. (And next time we go to the footy we will definitely ride to the ground on a $10,000 racing bike and just leave it standing unattended in the foyer like the one in the picture). Furthermore, we are scratching out heads as to who the hell such imagery is meant to appeal to – it can’t possibly be ordinary battler fans with their footy scarves and pies. Corporate spivs with a passion for abstract art and Picasso, perhaps? (a huge part of any big football crowd in Melbourne, of course).

 

If this isn’t enough The MCG web site is currently promoting its proposed new sports museum, which, according to the site is meant to look something like this:

Look at this picture really closely, because this puzzling image really does beg the question of what planet the MCC is living on, and what the hell it’s “sports museum” is intended to contain. The display case on the right of the picture raises some interesting issues  - Does the outfit on the right of the display case indicate that it is a museum for black-belt karate outfits with ninja face masks? (certainly one of the more popular sports to have graced the MCG arena over the years). Or does the outfit on the left indicate that it will house Michael Schumacher’s race-day overalls (modeled by a 6-foot jawa)? Or, alternatively, does this picture actually depict some kind of fashion boutique? (because the woman browsing in the yellow outfit sure as hell wouldn’t be attending a sporting event dressed like that). Maybe the fashion boutique will be built into the MCG as a place where the spivs’ wives can hang out during the Grand Final, whilst their husbands are attending their one game of the year?

 

This kind of imagery just goes to show that any concept at all can be made to look like anything you want with an “artist’s impression”. According to the same “artist” who produced these “impressions” of the new-look MCG, Cameron Ling actually looks like this:

 

 

Not for the first time, footballinvective.com has cause to lament that the interests of corporate spivs now take precedence over those of ordinary battler footy fans. This is just as much the case at the so-called “People’s Ground” as it is at the heavily corporatised a widely criticised Phone Dome.

 

Like Israelis and Palestinians, we do hope to see a day when it is possible for battlers and spivs to co-exist together in peace at the football. However, just like the situation in the Middle East, such an outcome can only come about if the interests of one do not trample over the interests of the other. They must each be given their own territory and an equal access to their holy sites (in the case of battlers, the hallowed turf, in the case of spivs, the chardonnay fridge in the back of the super box). Like Martin Luther King, we have a dream that battlers and spivs can co-exist without segregation or elitism, but it is not going to happen at the new silvertail MCG. The MCC, the AFL, the State Government and all the other ‘stakeholders’ have all buggered it up. Big time.

 

Forget about taggers, forget about flooders, forget about Channel 7. It’s the corporate spivs who are the biggest threat to the health of the Great Game. Don’t let them ruin football – they’ve already ruined the MCG.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Josh “Mr September” Mahoney played his most valuable game for Port since the 2004 Grand Final, with 6 of the best in the epic win over the Saints.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Alan Didak turned it on for Collingwood with some vintage lairising and a sense of theatricality. Firstly, taking a hanger in the goal square and then nonchalantly playing on to slam through a sausage roll, secondly giving a gratuitous sidestep before kicking a crucial goal in the last quarter, and thirdly faking a hamstring injury to add to the suspense before slamming through a set shot from 50 to seal the game and bring on the Fat Lady.

 

Clanger of the Week: The Arseclown Umpire number 29 in the Geelong-Footscray game. This is the second week in a row that the on-field officials have won Clanger of the Week. And, as is so often the case, Sam Newman said what the boneheaded lesser football media were too timid to say (or too blind to see). Arseclown umpiring is having a negative effect on football, and risks turning the sport into a spectacle that even those with more patience that Sam will simply walk away from.