Round 3, 2006

 

 

As previously predicted on footballinvective.com, retailers of female accessories in Sleepy Hollow should be doing a roaring trade this week, as handbags are clearly back in fashion in Geelong. Big time. As Guru Bob once so presciently said, Geelong is only doing well when it actually wins the games it is expected to win.

 

Geelong once again showed that without Matthew Scarlett in the team they as ineffective as INXS without Michael Hutchence (why do those guys keep bothering?). Perhaps, like the has-been band, Geelong should conduct a reality TV show to find an on-field leader when Scarlett is not around. They wouldn’t have found one in Stephen King, who once again limped off after 5 minutes. King is the BFG (Big Friendly Giant) of the AFL, who despite his size, does not assert any authority on the field. Instead, his image is simply warm and cuddly, a bit like Big Ted on Play School.

 

After Big Ted hobbled off to warm the pine, Geelong threw Little Ted (Mark Blake) into the ruck. However, Little Ted came up short and was simply intimated at the centre bounces by Spider Everitt, who was acting like he had not had that much fun since his cameo role as the sodomy-loving prison hard man in the jail scene in The House of Bulger.

 

Trent “The Athlete” Croad, whose career has been in a severe credibility rut since that infamous profile piece in The Rage in which he expressed his preference for playing the property market over playing football, managed to put aside thoughts of negative gearing and capital gains tax concessions to play his one good game for the year.

 

“Fat Chance” Bateman, previously derided on footballinvective.com for paying more attention to his looks than his game, must have been imaging that his dreams had been realised and he up on a catwalk in a fashion parade, such was his ability to simply stroll up and down the Geelong midfield with Cat players doing nothing more than gawking at him.

 

But just as Geelong’s insipid loss resulted in numerous generalisations and sweeping statements about the club’s fickleness in disreputable media outlets (such as this one), Hawthorn’s win has also prompted some rather premature jumping to conclusions. For example, young Hawk backman Zac Dawson was being hailed by the boneheaded lesser football media for supposedly redeeming himself and salvaging his career after he had 7 goals kicked on him by A. Rocca the week before. However, they are clearly deluding themselves if they think he has turned the corner. He would have had at least 7 behinds kicked on him, and just as many “gimme” marks dropped on him by Ottens and Kingsley. Just because a defender has a dozen unforced errors made on him by his immediate opponents, does not mean he is having a good day. Judging by the praise which was heaped on him by the boneheads, you’d think he was a tail-ender who’d just seen off Richard Hadlee, Mike Whitney-style.

 

Up in the coach’s box, Bomber Thompson did his best Grant Thomas impersonation as his team went down in the last quarter, looking on mute like a cross between a stunned mullet and an Easter Island statue. This could be a troubling sign for Geelong supporters if he does indeed emulate the St Kilda ‘brains trust’ when his team is under pressure. Alternatively, Bomber’s visage also reminded us of those dark surly moods that Malcolm Blight used to descend into during his time as Geelong coach when his team was at its fickle worst, so it might not be all that bad. Mark Thompson’s last quarter demeanour is therefore a sign of two alternative possibilities, either:

a) defeatism; or

b) genius

Long-suffering Geelong fans had better hope like hell it is the latter.

 

In the cricket this week, Australia easily stitched up Bangladesh (no surprises there) whilst Port Power had the football equivalent of playing the Bangladeshi bunnies 0 Fremantle, at home, with Chris Connolly under the pump. Inveterate Port correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses emerged from his luxury Salisbury villa to proffer his views on the carnage:

 

What a debacle. If Sunday’s Port Adelaide v Fremantle match was an animal you would have put it down in the first quarter, it’s that simple. Ten minutes into the final term, the game resembled the rained-out Oakbank Easter racing carnival as Port fans clambered over each other to reach the exits first.

 

A 31-point drubbing against the Shockers to follow on from an opening round home thumping at the hands of the since-ordinary Kangaroos means that – at the risk of sounding like a Dees fan - Port’s season is on the verge of being over before the first Richmond membership has even been publicly torn up.

 

The signs were bad right from the beginning. This writer’s faith in both teams was clearly misplaced as wagers laid on Bell at 21/1 and Lade at 8/1 to kick the first term’s opening goal proved immensely unwise. At 101/1 the gamble on a goalless opening stanza in the perfect late afternoon conditions seemed rather risky, yet when Daniel Motlop hit the post with a set shot after the siren to end quarter 1 the ‘sweet lady $K’ that a $10 bet would have earned made a similar bet on the second term irresistible.

 

Whilst some majors were posted after that shambolic opening quarter, the overall standard of the match was an indictment on the modern day game and in particular the attitude adopted by the bunch of overpaid nancy-boys that pass themselves off as Port Adelaide players in 2006. The players are unfit, uncommitted, unskilled and, though it pains me to say, seem to be poorly coached. When the Bangladesh of AFL coaches (Chris Connolly) is running rings around your on-field strategy, it’s a sign that perhaps things are not going to plan.

 

The last time this column lambasted the Power, the team responded with a spirited away win against the odds in Sydney. Perhaps this latest broadside will stimulate a similar response instead of the corpse-like effort of the weekend past. 

 

Over-Rated FC visit Football Park this week spearheaded by Nick ‘Flatter-to-deceive’ Riewoldt (Pop Quiz: How many times in his career has the blonde bombshell booted more than 35 goals in a season? Let me give you a hint, for the blokes out there you don’t require any hands or feet to count it!). A heartfelt performance is desperately required. We Port fans understand that a young team will not necessarily count consistency among its strengths, however lilly-livered showings like the one against Freo will not be tolerated. Chocco, sort it out!

 

Football returned to Cararra on the Gold Coast for the fist time since the days of the Brisbane Bears in the height of the white shoe era. All that was missing was Christopher Skase hosting the president’s lunch at that ridiculous animated scoreboard (the one that famously said “Cop That” when Russell Morris was stretchered off and rushed to hospital after being de-craniumised in 1988).

 

The biggest talking point on the field came from the “decision” in the final minute by a young female goal umpire who ruled that a clear goal from Aaron Davey that would have tied the game, was in fact touched before the line. The consequences of this ‘decision’ could be far-reaching. Just as footy coaches discourage players from having sex the night before a big game lest they get distracted, perhaps there is now a similar argument against having female umpires officiating in matches. Whatever it was, the umpire was clearly distracted as the ball sailed through. Perhaps she was looking at Russell Robertson’s well-toned butt 5 metres away in the goal square. Or perhaps Robbo (who we know always fancies his chances in front of goals) was trying to chat her up (or vice-versa). Whatever the case, the cause of women in football has taken a huge battering. This gold-plated clanger of a decision has cost the Demons two premiership points, which could prove to be costly by the season’s end. It could mean the difference between finishing 13^th and 14^th, whilst for the Crows, the extra 2 points could mean they finish on top by 3 games instead of 2 and a half.

 

The return of football to Cararra conjured up memories of the last time football was played there back in the Brisbane Bears era. Back then, games at Cararra were amateurish affairs watched by uninformed crowds of two and a dog. This week’s game was, let’s face it, an amateurish affair watched by an uninformed crowd of two and a dog. Despite the delusions of the AFL and the Southport Sharks Pokies Club (which allegedly runs a footy team on the side) this ‘stadium’ is clearly unfit for regular AFL matches and looked more like a country football ground than a serious attempt at an ‘elite level’ venue. All that was required was a few dozen Kingswoods ringing the boundary line tooting every goal and its rural backwater image would have been complete.

 

Something is clearly amiss down at Docklands Boulevard if the AFL thinks it is a good idea to uproot a team a genuine football state and re-locate it in that backward suburb of Hicksville. Yet unfortunately it looks like it is about to be seduced by the lure of cheap pokie money and grossly exaggerated predictions of support from the Gold Coast public (who of course always turned out in droves to watch their beloved Bears). More disturbingly - if Slammin’ Sam Kekovich is to be believed - influential figures amongst the Kangaroo hierarchy also appear to be prone to this seduction, like a cheap Russian hooker. These clowns should remember some key moments in football history, and the history of football on the Gold Coast.

 

The last ‘entrepreneurial’ banana bender to lure a team to the Gold Coast was, of course, Christopher Skase, who conned the VFL into locating the Brisbane Bears there in the ’87, thus putting back the cause of the great game in Queensland by a decade. The AFL (and the Kanagaroos) should think twice before being seduced by pokie-funded white shoe types waving buckets of CASH. Gold Coast Mayor Ron Clarke is claiming he wants to turn the Gold Coast into the “sporting capital Australia” (just like Chadstone is the “fashion capital”?). A sales pitch such as that sounds about as believable as Skase assuring Jack Hamilton that “the cheque’s in the mail”. The battling, yet never belittled Roos really need to ask themselves – do they want to trade in the priceless Shinboner Spirit for the opportunity to re-enact the history of the Brisbane Bears?

 

Cararra: Hicksville

 

 

Hero of the Week: James Hird – hit the nail on the head perfectly with his column in the Hun last week on the Kangaroo-Gold Coast issue:

“Do we flog the less financial clubs around the country because that's where the money is? Or do we protect the culture of our game by protecting the clubs and the people who support them?

 

“The corporates may pay most of our wages, but it's the punters in the outer who make our game the people's game.

 

“Take the game away from the traditional supporter, send it interstate, put it behind glass for the corporates who don't care if they watch the game in Queensland or Melbourne, and you will slowly lose the unique culture that is Australian rules. It is not just a spectacle, it is a way of life.

 

“I am not a Roos supporter and have suffered more than most from their Shinboner spirit, but in the best interests of all passionate supporters of the game, I ask the powers that control the sport to make sure that a grab for cash is in the best interests of football.

 

“Don't let the corporates, who have not paid for a ticket to a game of footy in 25 years, have more of a say than the basic footy club member who will always be there.” 

 

Footballinvective.com has campaigned for years against the pernicious influence of corporate types (aka CSSWAHOs) corrupting the game and undermining the interests of ordinary battler fans. Hird’s defence of battlers and disdain for corporates is as passionate and bigoted as anything that footballinvective.com could ever serve up. We salute him.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Ashley Sampi - a long-time favourite of footballinvective.com (all he needs is a bit more work that afro of his) for kicking 3 goals in 10 minutes against Richmond. But perhaps we shouldn’t get too excited, given his opponents. Like a tail-ender scoring a double century against Bangladesh, does it really count?

 

Clanger of the Week: The female goal umpire at Carrara - The worst goal umpiring decision since the blind, corrupt goal umpire in the final minutes of the ’67 Grand Final robbed Geelong of a flag by failing to see that Richmond full-back Fred Swift was standing in the second row of the old  Southern Stand when he took that mark, and not forward of the goal line, as was claimed. 109,000 fans in attendance and generations of Geelong fans ever since have not forgotten this blatant miscarriage of justice. This week, they felt the pain of dudded Melbourne supporters (all 19 of them).