Round 2, 2006

 

 

It was another Kangaroo cull at Unskilled Stadium this week, as the Junkyard Mutt was once again exposed by quality opposition (can anyone actually remember the last time the Roos beat a team that was higher up the ladder?).

 

Mr Metrosexual himself Kent Kingsley took on Shinboner of the Century Glenn Archer and ended up with 8 goals, which just goes to show that in the modern game, looks can beat brawn. Despite Kingsley running amok it never occurred to the Junkyard Mutt to put his most effective defender, the General Leigh, in the back line at any time during the game.

 

Having been flogged by 85 points at Unskilled last year, the Mutt went down by ‘only’ 69 this time, which means at this rate he may crack it for a win at Geelong by 2015. By that time he will have either accumulated enough old washed-up big men to fill a Gold Coast retirement home, or it may have occurred to him that his DOBM-centric game-plan is doomed to failure against semi-skilled opposition.

 

Not surprisingly, Laidley’s DOBMs were left as exposed as an AWB executive behind the wheel of a Jordanian truck, as Geelong ran the ball through the midfield with ridiculous ease. Up against a team of DOBMs, it was no coincidence that Geelong’s most damaging players were smaller faster types such as Mackie, Hunt, Tanace, and a certain G. Ablett. It almost went unnoticed that Geelong’s forward line DOBM Brad Ottens effectively played little more than a decoy role for Kingsley, whilst the Cats’ single GOBM (Genuine Ordinary Big Man) Stephen King (and increasingly less worthy choice as captain) made a contribution that could best be described as negligible.

 

The result was also another one in the eye for Leigh Colbert as well, who thought he was leaving the Cats to play in a better team. In light of off-field developments at the Roos in the past week, he may also be ruing his early retirement last year, and regretting that he won’t be around to take up the opportunities to work on his tan on the Gold Coast, whilst also mixing with the fellow shysters and spivs of the local white shoe brigade.

 

The one lowlight to come out of the game was the subsequent 2 match suspension for the Full Back of the 21^st Century, Scarlett Fever, for allegedly (and if ever there was an occasion when it really was 'allegedly' this was it) striking a hapless Roo. This so-called incident was not deemed notable enough by any of the 3 field umpires to bother reporting him (nor the 1 goal umpire standing 10 metres away). Furthermore, the only video footage available didn't even show his hand making contact with the alleged victim. Yet on the basis of 'evidence' and flimsy as this - and without even going through the process of a tribunal hearing to give the alleged victim the chance to do the time-honoured tribunal evidence trick and say that he was looking at the ball at the time and didn’t feel anything anyway - the AFL's so-called 'judiciary' decided the alleged incident was worth a 2 match suspension.

 

That the same judiciary which let off Barry Hall for a blatant strike to the guts in the Prelim Final (not that we’re saying there was anything wrong with Barry’s biffo - don’t get us wrong) could then give an automatic 2 match ban for a alleged ‘strike’ which was not even confirmed says much about its credibility. Lionel Murphy may have been left the High Court bench in 1986, but his spirit lives on in the form of the appalling 'judicial' methodology of the AFL tribunal.

 

Whilst it was raining Cats on the Saturday afternoon it was raining Dogs up the road at the Phone Dome, as Melbourne blew a first half lead to comfortably go down by 8 goals, and once again demonstrate that they are as soft as Billy Brownless’s pecs. Last week’s contribution from a disillusioned Demon fan who felt he now had more important things to do for the rest of the season prompted this fiery reply from pumped-up Demon fan Ted from Parkville:

Key comment there - "with more important things to do".   Meaning, he's almost definitely an (occasional attendee) MCC member and absolutely not a paid up MFC member.   Interesting to note that the ski season has come early for him this year.   Asking for the coach's head at this point of the year smacks more of a Tiger or Magpie fan.   True White Ant Demon Supporters like this generally like to quietly smoulder during June and July before unloading like a bitchy woman about how crap the coach is in August (see Barassi Northey and Balme eras for evidence).   Perhaps he's one of those Western District farmers who won't be able to upgrade the Rangie this year due to his AWB shares falling through the floor, or maybe he was just sexually abused by his old man (also a non-MFC MCC member).

A picture of our white-anting friend

One loss a season does not make. I'll be there SUPPORTING in July and August (and September), and I'll be the one rightfully enjoying our long awaited success.  Meanwhile, he'll still be calling for Gutnick to return, and attending to the welts on his rear.

 

Go Dees.

This reply in turn prompted a heated missive from the original Demon fan. It’s rare to see Demon fans getting fired up, but they needn’t worry about inflicting any damage on the other. As anyone who has ever watched a Melbourne game from the Members Stand would know, copping stick from a Melbourne fan is about as dangerous as being flogged with wet newspaper:

Given he called my dad a deviate I deserve right of reply. So could you please add this point-for-point qualifier. Ted, I usually wait at least a couple of minutes before I jump to conclusions.

 

Ted is right:

1.  I am indeed an MCC member.

Ted is wrong:

1.  I am a paid-up 16 year Redlegs member, for the record Mem No. 0035183.

2.  I go to around 18 games a year, and every final we play in, with the only games I regularly miss being The Wanchors and Toast in Perth.

3.  I come from the Pilbara in northern Western Australia and have only ever seen snow when I'm defrosting the fridge.

4.  I am a Tafe teacher who lives in Richmond.

5.  I don't have a Rangie, I have a Ford Territory. But I DO have a little sticker on the back.

6.  I don't limit my smouldering to June, July and August, I'm grumpy all year round. Today I'm grumpy about that batting paradise the Bangers have served up.

7.  I have only ever been sexually abused by my missus. She was at it again last night, the hellcat, despite my insistence she stick to the soft lash and give the stilettos a rest.

8.  I voted against Gutnick, and think Gardiner and co are doing a good job in very difficult circs.

9.  Better make that TWO losses.

PS: I'm not optimistic. I think Daniher has done a fabulous job with limited talent, plus I like him. But I also think it is time for him to step aside and give someone else a go.

Ah, the joys of watching members of a small supporter base of an under-performing team fight over the spoils of defeat. Watching Demon fans argue over their respective levels of commitment is a bit like watching two members of the Australian Democrats argue vociferously over which policies they should take to the next election – it doesn’t matter, is completely irrelevant to the outside world, and all that observers can do is pity them for their inevitable and inexorable demise.

 

On Friday night the Over Rated Football Club showed why with a close-run, hard fought win against (wait for it…) Richmond. The result is also significant for the small effect it may have on confidence levels of Richmond supporters, who may kid themselves that they did OK against a top side.

 

As reported last week on footballinvective.com, there will be no more “TigerWatch” updates in 2006. Instead, we propose to implement a monitoring system to the US terror alert system, with a three-scale level of rage:

Green            - Normal

Orange        - Outraged

Code Red     - Chicken manure dumping, etc

After a full-scale Code Red last week, Tiger rage levels have now abated to Orange, and a meltdown has been (narrowly) averted.

 

On Sunday Hawthorn managed to do what the ridiculously over-resourced Collingwood football department has been unable to do for the past 2 years, and played Anthony Rocca and Chris Tarrant into form. For the second week in a row, Wayne Carey has been left to ponder exactly what the hell it is that he does for his six figure salary down at the Lexus Centre. The Hawks face the Cats this Saturday for the inaugural match for the “Beyond Blue Cup” (we kid you not) which is a fitting piece of silverware for these two teams – Geelong supporters are finally moving beyond the blue that has beset them since 1963, but perhaps “Deeper into Blue” describes the likely fate of the Hawks, for this week at least, whilst some of its players might think “Beyond Blue” is a fashion tip for this season’s colours for male accessories.

 

At the SCG, Sydney resembled Boris Yeltsin after a trans-Atlantic flight (ie. hungover) and put up little resistance to Port Power. The well-traveled Port correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses fired off this missive from the Ladies Stand after the game:

Despite the AFL season being in its embryonic stages, the odds were heavily stacked against Port Adelaide as they took on Sydney in their Round 2 clash at the SCG on Sunday. Port, missing names like Tredrea, Wanganeen and Francou, were to take on the Swans on the day they unveiled their first flag since the second century B.C. and coming on the back of a 41 point home loss the Power was arguably the biggest sporting underdog since Homer Simpson fought Frederick Tatum.

 

With the Cats tearing apart their Round 1 nemesis North Melbourne the previous day, Port’s form going into the match was decidedly ordinary. Things were looking ominous when Garry Lyon suggested that although he was against the idea, Port might want to look at dropping some players into defense to prevent their opponents form breaking the game open. That Lyon suggested this at the 30 second mark of the first term as Michael O’Loughlin was lining up for the first goal of the match seemed slightly pessimistic, but his attitude was typical of most observers on a day that was meant to be a celebration of all things red and white.

 

Perhaps it was this widespread doubting of their abilities that inspired such a determined performance. Perhaps, more likely, it was the pre-match sight of an ageing, mulletted Warwick Capper moonwalking around the SCG with premiership flag in hand that was the red rag to the bull. Whatever the reason, after some early jitters Port Adelaide took a stranglehold on the match and ran out convincing winners. Four goals to Chad Cornes and a textbook ruck display from Brendon Lade were the catalysts to a result that had coach Mark Williams struggling for words in his post match press conference to express his elation. As opposed to a normal Chocko press conference where he struggles for words to express his anger, or satisfaction, or even apathy.

 

The Power returns to AAMI stadium in Round 3 to take on those loveable losers from Fremantle. The match promises to be keenly contested, with the Dockers in red-hot form by their standards as they ride a one match winning streak. The clash is a rematch of the two teams’ Round 22 meeting of 2005, a game whose winner was guaranteed a finals berth at the expense of the loser. Port took the honours on that occasion and went on to play in September, while Fremantle rewarded its coach Chris Connolly for his ‘success’ with a contract extension despite his club missing the finals for the tenth time in its eleven year history.  Although Port is unlikely to figure in the major round this term, perhaps a big win can ensure that Connolly is signed up for life. We live in hope!

At Moron Park, the Crows came an agonizing close-run second to the Eagles. Fittingly, the game also produced a close-run second for this week’s Cult Figure of the Week award, namely the excitable South Australian commentator on Fox Footy who, as Riciutto’s first goal for the day (and seventh) for the season sailed through, was confidently predicting that “He’ll kick a hundred this year FOR SURE!”

 

Funnily though, parochial SA commentators are not the only ones talking up Riciutto as the next big full-forward. That highly overkilled advertisement for Telstra Bigpond that also masquerades as the AFL web-site also ran a story this week stating that Roo was the next Leigh Matthews and destined for greatness as a key forward. (Good luck if you can actually find it though – if you can navigate the AFL web site then you should have no trouble with the Bermuda Triangle - or the old Waverley car park for that matter. R.I.P.)

 

By now the regular "Teal Coloured Glasses" column would be well-known to readers of footballinvective.com. In Season 2006 the great city of Adelaide has produced its second footballinvective.com columnist. Moreover, footballinvective.com has also gone even further down-market by introducing its first gossip columnist. “Miss Torrens” is a keen football-goer and Crows supporter. From her vantage point in the fashionable hair salons of the Norwood Parade and the wine bars of Henley Square, she is privy to all Adelaide gossip, and football gossip in particular (though in Adelaide they are really one and the same). Miss Torrens produces her first musings this week on just what it really means to be a female football fan in the City of Churches:

As Adelaide enters the football season once again, the city is alive with Coopers, Vili's pies, the upcoming 'Showdown' and footballer's (slightly desperate) housewives. Yes, the girlfriends and partners enjoy this time of year when all of a sudden their 'girl next door' image has the potential to be transformed into Adelaide celebrity status if they can be seen swinging off the muscle toned arm of an SA footy player and, if successful, reach the pinnacle of Adelaide society by becoming an SA footballer’s wife.

Women in Adelaide will go to radical lengths to become part of the South Australian football 'A List'. This became particularly evident in 2005 when Ben Rutten's young hairdresser girlfriend went to extreme lengths s on Brownlow Night in an attempt to break through and be accepted as more than just a 'footy chick' but a 'footballer's girlfriend' (see below). This was quickly shut down when emails circulated through South Aussie inboxes just hours after the event making disparaging reference to her dress, hair and make up resembling that of Cindi Lauper (courtesy of footballinvective.com), with slightly more offensive comments to follow. Her chances of continuing as a 'footy chick' plummeted, potential to become a 'footballers wife' significantly decreased and, in the final wash up, dreams were shattered.

 

In recent seasons there has been plenty of quality men on the market for aspiring footballer’s wives. If they were particularly lucky they might have been able to snare one of the Cornes brothers (eg: Kane Cornes, recently married, first kid due September ’06). Or, if they missed out on that option, they could always have a crack at Graham Cornes (recently re-married, last kid born September ’05). The last couple of years in Adelaide have been heady days for aspiring footballer’s wives - Adelaide has not been that full of well-bred football bachelors since Mark and Stephen Williams were on the market in the early ‘80s.

 

As the 2006 season begins, the challenge also begins for young SA women to find the right outfits, master the latest hairstyle and swing off the arm of a muscle toned footballer to achieve the Adelaide dream. The dream of becoming an SA footballer's wife.

SA footy girls: Living the Dream

 

 

Hero of the Week: Matthew Scarlett - Kept key forward DOBM Nathan Thompson goal-less (no great achievement there) but also became a Hurricane Carter style martyr at the hands a crooked judicial system. Now all he needs is Bob Dylan to write a song informing the world of this rank injustice.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Mark Riciutto - Only needs to play in the forward line for two matches, and already he's the next John Coleman. Thank God for excitable and impressionable SA football pundits.

 

Clanger of the Week: Brian Taylor on the Sunday Footy Show - “There are seven teams who can win the flag: “Geelong, West Coast, the Bulldogs, St Kilda, Adelaide, Sydney and Melbourne.” (emphasis added). Turn it up BT. At least the in-fighting Melbourne supporters will be able to agree on one thing: BT needs to turn it up.