Preliminary Finals, 2005

 

 

And then there were two. East versus West. Old versus New. The Sydney Swamp versus P*rn United. “Friday the 13^th” versus “Boogie Nights”.

 

That One Day in September is upon us again, together with the usual shenanigans of Grand Final Week. And no Grand Final week would be complete without a “Law and Order” style gripping court room drama. This year it was Big Bad Barry who kindly obliged, via his innocuous little love tap to bread basket of  hapless Saint Matt Maguire:

 

 

Given the Australian Netball League’s modern-day policies towards on-field biffo, most impartial observers expected Hall to be sentenced to transportation to Van Diemen’s land for this indiscretion, but the wise men on the bench thought otherwise and amazingly let him off, which immediately prompted rumours of the biggest judicial fix since Murray Farquar. The ghost of Lionel Murphy seemed to haunt the AFL tribunal as the judiciary “did a favour” for the AFL’s “little mate” (the Swans) who copped some silky smooth (ie not rough) justice. Coincidentally, the barrister who got Hall off also got that bloody bouncer off who killed Hookesy as well. Having now pulled off two legal miracles in one year, with a record like that he can consider himself stiff to have not filled that High Court vacancy this week.

 

As regular readers will be aware, it is unlike footballinvective.com to belittle anyone, let alone say “we told you so”, but Friday night was surely the ultimate vindication of everything we have said this year about the Over-rated Football Club, which was well and truly shown up by the gutsy boys from the Bloods.

 

For Saints (and Crows) fans, the final quarter must have rekindled memories of the final quarter of the 1997 GF, the last time St Kilda faced the music at the G this late in the year. On that occasion, the genius of Blight turned an even contest into a one-way procession, as the Crows piled on 8.0 to win by 31 points. On this occasion the same thing occurred, as the Swans piled on 7.0 to win by, wait for it, 31 points. In 1997, Saints fans could console themselves that they were done over by the undoubted wizardry of one D. Jarman. On this occasion, they must live with the indignity of being rolled by the likes of Adam Schneider and Ryan “Princess Mary” O’Keefe.

 

Having been condemned by footballinvective.com earlier in the year for his tactical rigidity and blind adherence to the Swamp game plan, Paul Roos displayed a Sheedy-esque flexibility in the last quarter, as the Swans flicked the switch from “Pungent Swamp” to “Razzle Dazzle” at three-quarter time and played with the most flair seen in red and white since Capper and the Swanettes were putting on their show. This transformation was embodied in all members of the team, but none more so than Schneider, who was instantly transformed from maligned scragger tagger to lairising goalsneak, and opened the floodgates with two of the best early on in the last.

 

More than any other game this year, this match was won between the ears by the Swans, both on and off the field. On the field, Big Bad Barry (after a forgivable bath and the hands of Scarlett) did what great players do, and stepped up in September. His apparently reckless whacking of Maguire instead proved to be an ingenious psychological blow, as the Saints responded by showing that they had no one who was game to ‘fly the flag’, leading to the ridiculous sight of the G-Train running down from full-back to remonstrate with him because none of the backline had the gonads to properly do it themselves. For the rest of the night Hall was free to do as he pleased, and get in the face of every Saint that he could, with total and utter impunity.

 

Whilst Hall demonstrated true leadership qualities to rev-up his side, the game once again demonstrated the lack of on-field leadership by the Saints, who have been notorious in the past two seasons for getting smashed by teams who physically intimidate them (do their last 3 trips to the Gabbatoir ring any bells?). Unfortunately, they do not seem to have learned from their previous whippings. Maguire’s meek capitulation to Hall and his hapless squirming on the ground afterwards was, quite frankly, the biggest display of on-field weakness since, well, Nick Riewoldt’s little cry in Round 1.

 

Captain Riewoldt, of course, was nowhere to be seen to fly the flag against Big Bad Barry. But he is, after all, a boy on a man’s mission, as he has hardly been helped by St Kilda’s ridiculous policy of rotating its captaincy.

 

Footballinvective.com has no idea where this idea came from, but it is an absolute stinker, as the lessons of history surely teach us:

·         Julius Ceasar never came saw and conquered by letting other blokes have a turn in charge;

·         The Battle of Stalingrad was not won by General Zhukov sharing the leadership around with the other comrades;

·         D-Day was not successfully executed by Eisenhower rotating the strike with Monty and Patton;

·         And it would be unthinkable to imagine great cricket captains like Steve Waugh or Clive Lloyd sharing the leadership around; 

·         Furthermore, Australia’s 16 year grip on the Ashes was surely assisted during that period by those weak pommies changing captains during most of those 16 years as often as they changed their underwear (ie once or twice a year).

 

So what the hell possessed the Over-Rated Football Club to adopt this policy and so blatantly undermine any chance it had of developing real on-field leadership? The chickens came home to roost for the Saints brains trust last Friday …together with 22 Swans.

 

But if they lacked leadership on the field, then it was no different in the coach’s box either. In the first term when the pressure was on, Grant Thomas responded with the hey-presto tactical move of shifting the G-Train to full back. Later on, when the were severely under the pump in the last quarter, Thomas reached into his bag of tricks and all he could pull out was – hey-presto – moving the G-Train to full back.

As footballinvective.com has been saying since Round 1, St Kilda’s fatal flaw is its lack of real coaching prowess. Whenever they get attacked by cunning predators, the Saints tacticians stand there like a bunch of startled wildebeest, just waiting to have their guts ripped out. As Paul Keating once said to Mark Latham on the shortcomings of the modern ALP (the ‘Latham Diaries’ really are a ripping yarn), what it needs is a bunch of those audacious wildebeest that you sometimes see on wildlife documentaries – the ones who turn around and bite the lion on the backside. Unfortunately, for long-suffering Saints fans, they won’t be getting one from the current coaching bureaucracy or club hierarchy.

As if to prove the point beyond reasonable doubt, Rod Butterss immediately sprung to the defence of his coach the next day and claimed that

“I reckon Thommo’s coach of the year. He was certainly tested but he’s shown he’s been tough and strong and focused about what he’s doing with our club and he’s I think, demonstrated categorically that he’s good at the caper… Notwithstanding this result, I’m tremendously proud of the way Grant Thomas and the coaching staff, the playing group, delivered against the odds.”

Exactly what odds does he think the Saints were against? The odds that had them ranked as runaway flag favourites going into last Friday’s game? Coach of the Year? Turn it up.

 

Such is the self-serving propaganda from the tin-pot junta that runs Moorabbin. The time for insurrection and overthrow of the junta is nigh. Saints fans of the world unite – you have nothing to lose but your chains!

 

Speaking of disappointed St Kilda supporters, we should, at least, spare a thought for passionate Saint fan Molly Meldrum, who lives not far from the MCG and will now, sadly, have to remove his annual September mural form his front fence, which was spotted last week by an eagle-eyed footballinvective.com reader:

 

 

Misplaced Churchillian sentiment notwithstanding (comparing the leadership of Churchill to that of Grant Thomas is like comparing that of Don Corleone to Luca Brasi) the most interesting feature of this picture is the small figure on the right-hand side, down next to the St.K.F.C emblem. Closer inspection reveals that the figure is in fact the following:

 

Yes folks, it’s none other than up-and-coming Saint lair James Gwilt, a previous winner of the footballinvective.com cult figure of the week award.

 

From the look of things, it would appear that footballinvective.com is not the only prominent media identity to develop an admiration for young Gwilt. Molly clearly has him marked out for ‘special attention’ as well. James Gwilt - consider yourself warned.

 

In the other Prelim Final, P*rn United finally dashed the hoped of All South Australians, by consigning their team to a big ‘Mad Monday’ at the Ramsgate. Not surprisingly, given footballivnective.com’s year-long predictions of premiership glory, the greatest state in the world has been in a period of mourning not seen since Bradman’s passing in 2001.

 

As stated last week, the Crows played their Grand Final two weeks early this year. After an event as big as the Mega Showdown, any subsequent match was never going to be anything more than a post-season exhibition game. For the Crows, the trip to Subiaco was more like the laid-back trip to The Oval (minus the all-in brawl and 20,000 drunken Aussie ex-pats in the stands reluctantly drinking Foster’s for the first time ever).

 

For all the disparaging talk in Melbourne this week about the absence of Victorian teams in the Grand Final, of far greater importance (and far greater concern) is the absence of South Australian teams. After winning four minor premierships in a row from 2002-2005, all that the great state has to show for it is one Grand Final appearance. Given their inherent footballing superiority, South Australia should have well and truly colonized Victoria by now.

 

Monday night was Brownlow night, and from the vantage point of the exclusive footballinvective.com table at the casino, our panel of experts judged the annual Jo Bailey Medal for “best and fairest” Brownlow partner, and produced their exclusive annual Brownlow Special (attached).

 

 

Finally, on to the big game this Saturday:

 

Whilst Victorian sentiment favours the Swans, the weight of evidence overwhelmingly favours the p*rn stars. Like the token plot in one of their films, which is always mere filler in the lead up to the predictable climax, Swans resistance seems a mere distraction in the lead-up to an inevitable conclusion.

 

Big Bad Barry will surely have his day against Darren “Fragile, this side up” Glass, and will not be beaten twice in three weeks. However, It’s in the engine room where it really counts, and the Eagles have the pace and endurance to escape being drawn into the mire of the Swamp.

 

True to their names and true to their nature, we expect a salacious display of physical prowess from Chris Studd, Ben “Only with First” Cousins, Daniel “Big Wayne” Kerr, Michael “Brazilian” Braun, Daniel “Bangs” Chick, Dean “Big” Cox and David “Diggler” Wirrpunda.

 

The Eagles have the depth and the consistency, and it should not be forgotten that the Swans have won the last 2 finals with only 3 decent quarters of football (the fourth quarter against the Cats and the first and fourth against the Saints).

 

If the Swans do manage to pull off an upset, one of the highlights will surely be the egg on the fact of Comrade Demitriou. It was only recently that the Comrade condemned the Sydney Swamp game plan as one that would “lose more games that it will win”, which perfectly demonstrated his exquisite judgement, not only of football diplomacy, but also of football talent as well. If the Swans get up on Saturday, footballinvective.com dearly hopes that Paul Roos will emulate Chocko’s podium gloating from last year and declare: “And Andrew Demetriou – You Were Wrong!”. But, alas, Roos is unlikely to experience such a pleasure – the Psychopathic Pharmacist (aka Woosha) will have his hands on the silverware in 2005.

 

 

Tips:

 

West Coast by 36

Norm Smith Medallist: Dean “Big” Cox

First Goal: Chris Studd

Attendance: 85,601 (lots of MCC no-shows as they once again show their love for the winter game)

 

 

Hero of the Week: Big Bad Barry

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Adam Schneider

 

Clanger of the Week: Grant Thomas