Finals - Week 2, 2005

 

 

After a week of the biggest build-up and sense of anticipation in South Australia since the first all-new Monaro rolled off the Elizabeth production line in 2001, the Team for All South Australians emerged triumphant in the greatest football match of the year, the Mega Showdown.

 

For the Crows, the size of the triumph rivaled that of Round 1 1991, when another 14 goal thumping of a reigning power side unleashed scenes of unrestrained Crowmania in Adelaide (and immediate talk of premiership glory), whilst Port Adelaide can now consider themselves worthy winners of the Simon Katich/Damien Martyn Medal for weakness under pressure.

As previously predicted on footballinvective.com, victory in Mega Showdown I means that the Crows have effectively played their Grand Final two weeks early. Even if they should happen to win the flag, as footballinvective.com has been predicting all year, it will be a secondary achievement when compared to the honour of winning a Mega Showdown. Furthermore, should any other team take walk away with the Cup on the last Saturday in December, they will surely do so with a hollow feeling inside, knowing that the Crows have achieved the highest honour in football in 2005, an honour that cannot possibly be surpassed.

 

As for Port Adelaide, it’s fade-out in the Mega Showdown must surely rate as its it greatest humiliation since entering the AFL, and is arguably the club’s lowest ebb since the 1976 SANFL Grand Final, when Sturt thumped them in front of 78,000 rabid South Australians at Moron Park. As a consolation prize, Port supporters can at least find solace in their creditable showing in the Miss AFL 2005 pageant.

 

By the end of the Mega Showdown the only Teal left in he stands at Moron Park was the teal-coloured bays of empty seats where Power fans had been sitting, as appalled Port fans packed up early and headed off to the Wayville Showgrounds to enjoy the delights of the Adelaide Show. While they are at the show they might care to purchase the Port Power show bag, which is rumoured to contain the following gems:

• Port Power lipstick - to kiss goodbye to your season 

• One pack of Winfield red 20's (soft pack) 

• Pregnancy Testing kit 

• One thong 

• Driving lesson with Byron Pickett 

• Centrelink Claim Form 

• Free ride in a Police car 

• Free dental treatment 

• One get out of jail free card 

• Keys to your neighbours house & car 

• Half a house brick - for late night shopping 

• A shower and how to use it - Dept of Health

All this and more for only $8.00 (concessions $1.00)

 

Footballinvective.com’s incorrigible Port Adelaide correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses had the hottest ticket in world sport (worth at least 10 tickets to the fifth test at The Oval) and was in the crowd at Football Park to return the following missive:

 

In her traditional Christmas Message Queen Elizabeth II famously described the year of 1992 as an ‘annus horribilis’. For many years this phrase was nothing more than a humourous result of centuries of inbreeding but after supporting Port Adelaide FC in 2005, this term has taken on a new, more relevant meaning. A season that began terribly, continued badly, and finished disastrously was the complete antithesis of the joy of 2004 and serious questions now need to be asked of both on and off field staff to avoid a repeat in 2006.

 

The demolition of North Melbourne in the Elimination Final had most Port fans eagerly anticipating a knock-out final against TTFASA P/L but alas, the stunning performance proved to be a false dawn as ‘The Genius’ inspired his charges to a comprehensive victory. A tight and torrid first half saw Adelaide take a slim lead into the long break but two goals in as many minutes at the beginning of the second was enough to break the spirit of the Port players as they meekly succumbed to the marauding Crows. 

 

The second of the two goals was piece of typical Andrew McLeod brilliance as he completely fooled Adam Kingsley with a superb dummy and goaled from 50. Rumour has it that Kingsley is still rooted to the spot, frozen in shock. Before much longer the margin had blown out to five goals and at this point TV viewers across the nation would have been treated to a rather bizarre sight. It is not often that you will see a team completely abandon the tried-and tested concept of maintaining at least a token presence in their own forward line, even less often will you see it when a team is 30 points down and facing an end to their season. Yet this was the sight which greeted already-frustrated Power fans half way through the third quarter of Saturday night’s game.

 

This sort of minimalist, ‘less-is-more’ philosophy might wash in the modern art scenes of London or New York but it has absolutely no place in the cut throat world of AFL football and especially not in a take-no-prisoners, bragging-rights-on-the-line Showdown final. Invective fans will no doubt be aware of disdain with which Port forward line coach Tony McGuiness has been treated in these pages over the second half of this season. Some have suggested this treatment has been unjustified, over the top even. Sentiments such as these would have vanished as Ben Rutten’s goal while standing Warren Tredrea in his own forward line sailed through – the man is clearly incompetent. Like a bitchy secretary from a high-class law firm who can’t hold a boyfriend, Tony McG belongs on the dole queue.

 

McGuiness’ appointment at the end of last year was one of a raft of changes made in the coach’s box as opposition clubs raided the premier’s staff to improve their own. In their haste to replace so many, some appointments were made without sufficient thought or analysis and McGuiness is the perfect example.  Peter Rohde and Mark Mickan must also be put on notice and this pointless practice of recruiting lesser clubs’ cast-offs must be abandoned immediately. As far as the playing staff is concerned, names like Primus, Francou, Montgomery, Kingsley, Wakelin, Bishop, Lade, Wilson and Wanganeen are all approaching or are already the wrong side of 30 and with James and Poulton already confirmed retirees Mark Williams has a major challenge on his hands to mould the Power into a contender for next season. Until then – go you Eagles. Failing that, Sydney. Failing that, St Kilda. Anyone but the Crows!

 

Such is the disappointment amongst Power Fans that Teal Coloured Glasses has indicated that he is hanging up the boots for the year and will no longer be contributing to footballinvective.com in 2005. We wish TCG a speedy recovery and hope that his disillusionment with this team does not lead to bitterness and recrimination. If it does, perhaps we can expect to see a Latham-style dummy spit and the publication of highly vituperative “TCG Diaries” in which he berates the “snakes, freaks and sewer rats” of Alberton for denying him premiership glory in ’05. Can’t wait for that one.

 

At the SCG, the two most notorious exponents of sideways negative football in 2005 went head-to-head in what turned out to be quite a thrilling game (from a drama point of view if not a skill point of view). Although it was clearly lacking as skilful spectacle, the game nonetheless managed to captivate all who saw it. Geelong discovered that taking on the Sydney swamp at their own game is a bit like wrestling a pig in mud - sooner or later it becomes clear that the pig is actually enjoying it.

 

The general mood of LFZ* in the game was briefly abandoned in the third quarter when Ablett Junior lit up the turgid wetlands of the SCG by kicking what would surely have been the Goal of the Year had it not been disallowed by an anal and over-zealous boundary umpire. After receiving more close attention from Swan scraggers than Liz Hurley on a construction site, Junior bobbed up hard against the boundary line in the forward pocket to incredibly levitate a miraculous slow motion curve ball through the big sticks. Tragically, however, the boundary umpire refused to invoke the Wayne Harmes law of umpiring discretion and ruled that he had crossed the line at the time he performed his miracle. However, as disappointing as the ruling is, it makes Junior’s feat all the more meritorious, since it means that the angle was so much greater. By threading through a goal from a 91 degree angle, Junior not only defied the laws of physics and trigonometry, but also proved (lest there be any lingering doubt) that he has indeed inherited the legendary Ablett magic of The Great Man. Unfortunately, Junior also showed he possesses some of the legendary Ablett enigmatic qualities as well, by missing a simple set shot from 35 metres out directly in front a minute later.

 

Bomber Thompson showed admirable nous in taking on the Swans at their own game, as Paul Roos once again opted for New Orleans tactics and unleashed the Sydney Swamp on the Cats. But despite their gutsy efforts, the pull of the Swamp proved too strong for the battlers from Sleepy Hollow, who managed to lead for all but the first 6 minutes and the last 3 seconds of the game. It was reminiscent of that poignant scene in “Empire Strikes Back”, when Luke Skywalker tries valiantly to use the Force to raise his stricken X-wing out of the Swamp, only to have it sink back into the murky abyss just when triumph appears to be within his grasp. Just like Luke Skywalker, Geelong lacked the self-belief and power to pull off the miracle. In one of the most famous lines ever uttered in that galaxy far far away, Yoda then proceeds to effortlessly achieve what Luke couldn’t, and conquer the pull of the Swamp. An awestruck Luke breathless exclaims “I don’t believe it!”, to which the little green booger famously replies: “That is why you failed”.

 

And so it goes for the Geelong Football Club.

 

The All-Australian team continued to provoke controversy amongst readers of footballinvective.com and the in the lesser football media. The travesties and omissions in the line-up continue to amaze, and deserve at least several hundred more words of invective on the following grounds:

 

1.  Last week Ben Rutten had critics hailing him for keeping theG-Train goal-less, but Matthew Scarlett again showed just why he is the finest full-back of the era by keeping the All-Australian forward Barry Hall goal-less on Friday night. In the same way that John Gorton and Billy McMahon can thank the Chinese submarine for giving them the opportunity to be Prime Minister, Nick Davis should be eternally grateful to Matthew Scarlett for enabling him to be a hero. If not for Scarlett, then THAT goal by Davis would have merely been an unremarkable last-minute sealer in a comfortable Swans win.

2.  Glenn Archer must rightly consider himself to be the most stiff player in the AFL. His fade-out against the Power notwithstanding, he was the best back pocket this year by a country mile, and constantly re-affirmed his status as the Shinboner of the Century. To lose out to the likes of Luke Hodge, Trent Croad, and Joel Bowden for a place in the back line is inexplicable. To paraphrase Viper and Jester in “Top Gun”, if you were going into battle who would you want beside you – Glenn Archer or Luke Hodge? Case closed.

3.  Daniel Chick can also consider himself unlucky to miss out on half back. In 2005 he finally managed to shake off any remnants of his technicolour dreamcoat days at the Glenferrie branch of Max Factor and returned to some of his tough tackling form of 3-4 years ago

4.  Brent Harvey this year was actually not that impressive - a strange choice. Compare his form to that of Nathan Brown, who was clearly the most dominant player in the AFL in the first 10 rounds and arguably did enough to warrant inclusion on that basis alone, especially given the Tigers’ complete fall from grace after his veritable amputation against the Dees.

5.  Finally, the decision to put Pavlich in and Tredrea out will haunt Comrade Demetriou for years to come. After all, Chocko wanted to trade Josh Carr for Pavlich, which really says its all. It has taken footballinvective.com a long time to become a convert, but Tredders is the best CHF since the Duck, no ifs, ands or buts.

Jason Akermanis is renowned for his verbal sprays and invective, but his effectiveness is akin to that of a drunken sniper – he sprays a lot of shots all over the place with minimal effectiveness, but occasionally he hits a target with deadly accuracy. This week he labeled this team as an “AFL All-Australian Encouragement Award” - truer words could not have been spoken

 

Hero of the Week: Nick Davis resembled the amazing heroics of Roberto Baggio in the 1994 World Cup by repeatedly scoring miraculous goals late in the game to get his team out of jail. Unfortunately for Victorian footy fans, unlike THAT penalty kick by Baggio in the shoot-out against Brazil, Davis managed to successfully drill his crucial final shot at goal right when it counted most.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: The greatest newspaper in the greatest state in the world, the Adelaide Advertiser, took parochial boosterism to a new levels in the days before and after the Mega Showdown, with its attitude to the Crows being akin to that of the North Korean press to their “Dear Leader”. Regular readers of footballinvective.com will be familiar with our practice of highlighting great pieces of journalism which appear in the Advertiser, but when it comes to excellence in journalism, we feel that the recent special offer of a free Mark Ricciuto face mask is its finest effort yet.

 

As a service to passionate football fans and South Australians (surely one and the same), the mask is now also available for free on footballinvective.com:

Clanger of the Week: Unlike the mighty Adelaide Advertiser, the Hobart Mercury is not usually noted for doing anything notable, but it captured the mood of thousands of Geelong supporters perfectly when it published what is undoubtedly the most unfortunate typo of season 2005:

* L.F.Z. – Lair Free Zone