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Finals - Week 1, 2005
Brace yourself Australia. The Mega Showdown is upon us. As previously reported on footballinvective.com, a Showdown final is the biggest possible event in football. It is not just a normal Showdown, it is a Mega Showdown. The only thing that could be bigger would be a Grand Final Showdown, which would be more than a Mega Showdown – it would be a Hyper Showdown. Showdown Fever will envelop South Australia this week. It has even spread to Victoria, where all self-respecting football fans will be disappointed with the MCC for not sticking to the old deal with the AFL that would have required it to play one final a week at the G. This would have allowed Victoria the pleasure of seeing 90,000 South Australian fans fill the coliseum for the Mega Showdown. As the AFL web site so aptly put it: “AAMI Stadium has a capacity of 51,515 and such will be the interest the match would be capable of attracting probably three times that many…” The Mega Showdown will be the greatest event in South Australian sporting history. Everything that preceded it in South Australian sporting folklore will pale into insignificance:
It will be bigger than Snowtown. The shockwaves will be more awesome than Maralinga. It will be a bigger economic boost for South Australia than the Multi-Function Polis and that pissy little boat-building contract combined (which just goes to show that not much happens in SA besides football). In short, it will be the biggest event in South Australian history, as acknowledged by the Adelaide Advertiser:
For Port Adelaide it will be a chance for some Count of Monte Cristo-style delayed revenge for 1990, when they were dudded out of the first AFL licence. For the Crows, it will be a chance for the rest of South Australia to exact revenge for a century of Port Adelaide domination. Passions will be guaranteed to be running high. The post-match biffo will make the Ramsgate look like a schoolgirl slap-fest, as also reported in the Adelaide Advertiser:
From the look of things it would seem that the glorious South Australian tradition of developing passionately feral footy fans at a young age is alive and well. No wonder the state’s footballing record is so strong. One more thing: Surely the little kid down the front in the Crows jumper belongs in a Power jumper (or at the very least a blue singlet). First it was Chad Cornes, now it is Chocko. The infectious feeling of “unstupid arrogance” and confidence, as previously reported on footballinvective.com, has re-emerged at Alberton, as the Power has regained its mojo:
Chocko: Pumped
The Port Adelaide giant has stirred. After finishing 5 games and 7 rungs on the ladder below the Crows, they now find themselves in exactly the same position as their arch rivals. From the sound of the Power fans at Telstra Dome, they are clearly looking forward to the Mega Showdown and believe they can beat the Crows. At least that is what footballinvective.com deduced when the chant of “Bring on the poofters” was struck up by the Port cheer squad in the last quarter.
Rabid footballinvective.com columnist Teal Coloured Glasses emerged from the cheer squad to record his thoughts… To quote the great Bruce himself – the moment has arrived. It was only a matter of time before the drama of a Showdown was augmented by the sudden death nature of a final, with the occasion inducing a whirlwind of conflicting emotions: dreams of glorious victory and nightmares of devastating failure will alternate in the minds of SA footy fans for the rest of the week as the build up to the first ‘Ultimate Showdown’ intensifies. This weekend will mark the fourth occasion this season that the two sides have met – Adelaide twice winners during the home and away round and Port emerging triumphant from Pickett-gate in the Wizard Cup which saw Byron slapped with 2 consecutive life sentences for a clumsy bump on James Begley. It is this match-up however, which will determine the relative success of each side’s season. A Power victory and the dreaded ‘chokers’ tag would be transferred from Alberton to its rightful place at West Lakes while should Genius Neil Craig inspire TTFASA P/L to prevail then it will represent an affront to all that is just and true in the universe. Yes folks, the stakes are that high. Going into the first week of finals, the unlikely derby clash was only possible if the two dominoes of an Adelaide loss and a Power win both fell into place. Thanks to a turbo-charged Robert Harvey, the Saints did their part to set up El SA Classico but given Port’s ordinary record both against North Melbourne and at the Phone Dome in recent times, not many pundits were prepared to back the Power to withstand the irresistible force of the now-comical ‘Shinboner Spirit’. Clearly, resident Power loudmouth Chad Cornes did not agree with the so-called experts. While stopping short of a Muhammad Ali-Joe Namath-Rasheed Wallace-style guarantee of victory, Studley Jnr did his best to stir up Adam ‘Captain Anonymous’ Simpson and co. with a detailed explanation of how he planned to spend the second weekend of September - namely by playing the Crows. While it clearly irked Simpson, the fact that the Roo response resembled Montgomery Burns trying to crush a paper cup only served to vindicate Cornes’ arrogant display. While the Kangas took a slim into the first change, Port dominated the match thereafter with Tredrea, Lade and ‘Last Chance’ Mahoney all bagging four goals and rookie Michael Pettigrew jagging three. Meantime at the other end, Big Sav’s decision to forego the birth of his son to play possibly his last match proved futile - the police escort he received to get to the game would have been more usefully employed on the field in an attempt to get him near the ball. A late rally by North might have prevented the margin cracking the magical ‘hunge’ barrier (translation – 100 point margin – Eds) but even at 87 points, it represented the perfect send-off for retiring Roo Leigh Colbert. In a beautifully poetic twist, he was colberted by his own team-mates in his final match and was left to consider the ramifications of his selfish ways in yet another example of the pitfalls of turning your back on your club. A fitting end to a traitorous career. As for the hapless Rooboys, the Junkyard Mutt gave a portent of what was to come when he started the General Leigh in the forward line. A bit like opening the batting with Stuart MacGill. Needless to say, it was all downhill from there.
In other news this week, footballinvective.com’s favourite whipping boy Leigh Colbert announced his retirement this week. As expected, Colbert’s retirement ended with the same degree of infamy as a certain incident at Sleepy Hollow six years ago (as previously reported on footballinvective.com). His departing words were reported to have been:
For any red-blooded Geelong supporter, these will go down in history as famous last words from the man who colberted their team because he wanted to “play in premierships”. Still have no regrets Leigh?
The search now begins for a new number one target of ridicule on footballinvective.com. We need a player who is: a) self-centred; b) inconsistent; c) disloyal; and d) has left a litany of embittered and betrayed fans behind him. Peter Bell, please step forward. (Somehow, the concept of “belling” does not quite have the same ring to it as colberting.)
As previously reported on footballinvective.com, the relationship between Malcolm Blight and Neil Craig is akin to that of The Messiah and the Disciple. Rumour has it that when Blighty left the Crows in 1999 his final conversation with Craig was along the lines of that other famous final conversation between another messiah and his chief disciple, with Blighty alleged to have told Craig “You will be the rock on which my football club is built”.
But despite the faith that the Messiah had invested in him, and the Disciple having kept the faith for 22 rounds this year, in the second quarter on Saturday night, the Disciple briefly, but tellingly, lost the faith.
The loss of faith was not only faith in the Blighty way, but faith in the ability of what is the most efficient backline of all time (in terms of points conceded) to shut down the forward line of the Over Rated Football Club.
With St Kilda kicking a few goals, Craig was inexplicably spooked, and panicked, and re-shuffling his back line by putting, of all people, his only goal-kicker for the day, Ken MacGregor (aka “The Answer”) into the back line. It was as if he was seduced by the bone-headed football media’s constant talking up of the Over Rated Football Club and its over rated centre half forward. The great tragedy is that it was the wrong move to solve the problem at hand. Craig would have been better off concentrating on the source of all those leaks into the Saints forward line that were coming from the Crows midfield, rather than attempt to mop up the mess further downstream by diverting much-needed resources from the forward line. The game was ultimately lost by two clanger decisions by the Crows leadership. One was Craig’s brief misjudgment when he lost the faith in the second quarter. The other was Mark Ricciuto’s decision to charge at a marking contest in the Eagle’s forward line last week and cop a one-week suspension for his troubles. If anyone was wondering what effect the absence of the Roo had on the Crows, they should look no further than the effectiveness of Robert Harvey for the Saints. Harvey was directly responsible for at least 4 St Kilda goals, and probably influenced several others as well. A cursory glance at the Moron Park scoreboard suggests that, in a tight 8 point ballgame, had Riciutto been even half as effective as Harvey the result would have been different. Much, much different.
The result was met with predictable responses from the usual suspects, with the South Australian media predictably in denial:
Meanwhile, Mike “As consistent as Shoaib Aktar” Sheahan was his usual fickle self. Having written off the Saints only two weeks previously, as previously reported on footballinvective.com, Sheahan immediately jumped back on their wagon, with another Burns-and-Smithers tribute to the Saints:
Note the priorities of Sheahan and the Herald Sun in terms of what they consider newsworthy – Sheahan’s “change of heart” regarding the Saints. According to Sheahan and the Hun, the biggest football story in the first week of finals is not a Victorian team winning interstate; not the Swans being robbed of victory by an umpire; not another big-game choke by the Dees; and not the revival of the raining premier. No, in keeping with his history of self-importance, Mike Sheahan declared on the front page of his newspaper, without a hint of embarrassment, that the biggest story in football this week was in fact his own fickleness. The All-Australian Team was announced this week, and is certain to prove one of the most controversial of all time. Several tough questions must be asked of the selectors, namely:
No offence to Rutten, who’s had a great year, but in contrast to Scarlett he has been fortunate to be but one component of the most efficient backline machine of all time. Furthermore, whilst Rutten has the requisite attributes to simply beat a full forward, he lacks the extra qualities of Scarlett, who has the ability to not only beat his opponent, but to psychologically destroy them as well. Like Drago on ‘Rocky IV’, Scarlett has the rare ability to “break” an opposing spearhead. Never was there a more vivid illustration of this ability than the priceless moment in the third quarter last Saturday, when former high-flying lair Russell Robertson lay prostrate on the ground, his spirit broken after his body was pole-axed by Scarlett, as his opponent sprinted in for a running shot at goal 120 metres away (only to tragically hit the post and thus deny the football world a moment of purest champagne football). The curious selections in the All-Australian team, particularly the over-representation of the Hamster Football Club, has attracted attention and scorn throughout Australia. As one particularly passionate South Australian (if that is not a tautology) put it: Below is my All Australian Team that I compiled a few weeks ago. Amazingly, it is almost identical to the official team picked!
Hero of the Week: Josh Mahoney should have a permanent spot every year as “Mr September” in the “Men for all Seasons” calendar. After his dominant performance in last year’s Grand Final, as previously reported on footballinvective.com, Mahoney took off where he left off with another superb finals effort. Some would say Mahoney only has a red hot go when it counts in finals, and that he has effectively had an 11-month pre-season after the Grand Final, but on the strength of his performance last Sunday, few would care. In the first half he would have made the perfect case study for Dr Christian Barnard, as he played like a 6-foot heart on legs. In the second he rubbed the Roos into the underdone Colon Stadium turf, as he kicked 3 goals of his own and set up numerous others, with the sort of nonchalance and confidence that would make Chad Cornes look like a shy retiring wall flower.
Cult Figure of the Week (x2): Cameron Mooney took his eye off the man and instead focused on the ball and in the process put in a dominant B.O.G. performance for the Cats. After his erratic efforts earlier in the year, as previously reported on footballinvective.com, the Big Hairy Cat has been known for his volatile on-field demeanor in 2005. In recent times he has apparently been given some help in anger management by the club. This has reportedly included making him baby-sit kids in order to calm him down. In most cases, putting small children in close proximity to a man with proven psychopathic tendencies would be highly ill-advised. But in this case it seems to have worked. Another testament to the administrative genius of Brian Cook and Frank “The Godfather” Costa. An honourable mention also goes to up-and-coming Saint Lair James Gwilt, who took the field at Moron Park with what was, quite simply, the finest afro seen in the AFL since Vinnie Catoggio in the 1970s. All he needs is a tash and he will be the CFP*.
Clanger of the Week: Umpire McInerney, who reversed the free kick against the Swans in the Eagles forward line on Friday night, thus costing Sydney the game. The head of umpiring Jeff Gieschen says the said umpire is ‘on notice’. Now that he has owned up to an error by the umpiring fraternity that has cost Sydney a final, he can expect to cop a torrent of abuse from scorned and disgruntled Swan fans. He is well-equipped to handle such punishment, given that he has been on the receiving end of the worst brand of football vendettas from Richmond fans since 1999, as previously reported on footballinvetive.com. Having dealt with Tiger fans at their worst, he has little to fear from angry Swan fans. At worst, an angry Swan fan might raise his voice slightly before throwing half his glass of chardonnay at you in a fit of pique, and then running off in a huff to his latest beauty salon appointment or mardi gras rehearsal. Copping the wrath Swan fans compared to the wrath of Tiger fans is like comparing climbing Mount Dandenong on a sunny spring day with climbing Mount Everest half-naked in a blizzard.
*CFP: Complete Football Package
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