Grand Final, 2005

 

 

As if the football world needed any further proof that this is indeed the greatest game in the world, then the Grand Final certainly confirmed that no sporting contest on earth can match the earth-shattering excitement of a big game before a packed MCG (even if half the crowd are dispassionate spivs and hangers on).

 

Footballinvective.com was there at the Home of Football and witnessed a game that had everything – more tension than an ALP caucus meeting in the Latham era; more drama than a Cheryl Kernot book launch; more controversy than umpire Steve Randall at a kindergarten fete; and one of the greatest finishes in football history – a last-second climax to rival even the Match of the Decade 11 years before.

 

Highlights included:

• The classic long run and goal by Dean “Big” Cox in the first quarter – Jurassic Park meets Chariots of Fire;
• Daniel “Big Wayne” Kerr’s miraculous recovery to burn off the entire Swans mid-field in the last quarter, after leaving the ground with what boneheaded football commentators concluded was a “broken leg” in the second quarter;

• The huge melee on the Swans half-forward line that left Jason Ball spilling more claret than WC fields after his tenth bottle (below). All triggered, of course, by a classic “clothesline” on Wirrpunda by Big Bad Barry;

• The classic backline work of David “Diggler” Wirrpunda and Lewis Roberts-Thompson (the only man in the AFL with 3 surnames);
• The brilliant four-quarter effort of footballinvective.com’s favourite subject of homoerotic admiration, the Juddernaut. In a match in which tight-checking play during the game was as common as vacuous bandwagon jumpers were in Sydney after it, Judd’s ability to break free of Swan taggers was truly remarkable. Honestly, this man could find space in a Tokyo subway carriage.

And, last but not least:

·         Leo Barry’s epic last-second mark. It was worthy of Matthew Scarlett - surely the highest possible praise for a backman from footballinvective.com. Its importance should not be understated. Had an Eagles player marked the kick instead they would have been lining up to win a Grand Final after the siren, and would have immediately been immortalised as one of the greatest heroes of all time. When the stakes are that high, a quality backman is entitled to just as much praise for preventing such a fate. Leaping Leo, take a bow.

 

 

Whilst West Coast fans will ponder the “what might have been” had the kick found an Eagle target, they need not have worried. Given the rank inability of any Eagle forward (or pseudo-forward in the case of M. Gardiner) to take a pack mark for the entire game, they could hardly expect their fortunes to change in the last 3 seconds.

 

And just HOW GOOD was the last quarter? A vintage game produced some textbook clangers as the pressure grew late in the game. Michael O’Loughlin and Luke Ablett would have been on suicide watch had the Swans lost following their textbook clangers. In Mickey O’s case he took three spectacular marks only to follow up with the three worst kicks of his career (one behind, one failing to make the distance from 40 metres, and another attempted 20-metre short pass that also fell short).

 

In Ablett’s case, he kicked across goal in the back line to a one-on-one contest. In any match at any level from under-8s upwards this is surely a draggable offence, but in the last quarter of a Grand Final with your team up by 2 points it would have surely justify the sort of treatment that Colombian soccer fans dish out to players who score own goals. Had the Swans lost, young Luke would have been a shoo-in for the footballinvective.com medal for Clanger of the Year (notwithstanding the sacrilege of anyone named Ablett winning such an award) and his kick would surely go down in Grand Final infamy alongside other notorious incidents such as: 

• Ted Potter’s misplaced handball into the hands of Barry Breen in ’66;

• the boundary umpire mistaking the first row of the Ponsford Stand for the field of play in 1979;

• some hapless Collingwood forward failing to man-up Neil Crompton in the final minute in 1964;to not award THAT goal from 55 metres to Anthony Rocca in 2002;

• the blind and corrupt goal umpire who awarded a ‘mark’ to Tiger full-back Fred Swift half a metre behind the goal-line in the dying minutes in 1967 (as an aside, Swift was tragically murdered years later – who said only Richmond fans pursue homicidal vendettas?).

Other textbook last quarter moments included Daniel Staker giving away a lazy 50 metres to Adam Goodes, allowing him to have a set shot for goal, but thankfully he was kicking like Mickey O by that stage. David Wirrpunda, meanwhile, spoiled an otherwise masterful backline performance by kicking out on the full from a kick-in with 5 minutes to go. Thankfully, Paul Williams was kicking like his former mentor Tony Shaw and failed to thread the needle.

 

If Luke Ablett would have been scared to show his face in Sydney had things gone the other way, then Michael “Goodfella” Gardiner must surely be feeling trepidation the next time he meets some of his friends in the WA "motorcycle enthusiast" community after his platinum-plated shocker in the Eagles forward line. If 2005 was the Year of the DOBM, then Grand Final day saw the revenge of the DOBM. Footy fans throughout Australia had their heartstrings stretched at the sight of Phil Matera failing his fitness test just before the game, but even a 50% fit Little Phil would have had more of an effect in the Eagle forward line. In what was surely his dumbest move of the year, Woosha had Big Cox spending time on the pine in the last 10 minutes of the game, whilst Gardiner continued to wonder aimlessly. Such a coaching clanger seems incomprehensible given the respective finals form of both men. Gardiner was completely unable to take a mark in the Grand Final, whilst Big Cox saved the game for the Eagles in the first final against the Swans with two epic marks in the backline, and then bobbed up with his classic run in the first quarter of the big one. If only Big Cox had been able to contest the mark of his own fateful kick with Leaping Leo, the result would have surely been different. As the classic banner in held aloft by the teeny boppers in the Eagles cheer squad so aptly said: “We Love Big Cox”.

 

So as the curtain falls on season 2005 – surely to go down in history as the first season to be fully catalogued by footballinvective.com – football fans throughout the world can rejoice in one of the greatest finishes to a season we will ever see. To paraphrase Bill Lawry’s epic prose as recorded by the Twelfth Man: “It’s a great day for Victoria, it’s a great day for Australia, and it’s a great day for the Great Game – the greatest game in the world.”

 

Hero of the Grand Final: Leo Barry (well d'uh)

 

Cult Figure of the Grand Final: Big Cox - stood tall all day and truly rose to the occasion

 

Clanger of the Grand Final: Luke Ablett, David Wirrpunda and Mickey O'Loughlin all put in big challenges in the last quarter, but for four quarters of sustained under-achievement, it is possible to ignore Michael Gardiner, latest recipient of the Mark Bairstow Medal for biggest flop on Grand Final day.

 

 

Footballinvectice.com's Grand Final Gallery

 

As recorded from our vantage point in the exclusive footballinvective.com commentary box in Bay 6:

 

Pre-Game razzle dazzle:

As usual, a big yawn all-round, but useful nonetheless for distinguishing real footy fans (who pay no attention to it) from the once-a-year Grand Final "fans" (who probably think the AFL puts on a show like this before every game).

 

A packed MCG

91,828 spectators .... but how many actual REAL fans?

 

Members are Wankers

As usual, plenty of empty seats in the MCC members reserve. If, as the MCC so modestly boasts, it is the greatest sporting club in the world, then at least it could fill its reserve for the greatest game in the world?

 

The Cup

Roosy and Big Bad Bazza hold the silverware aloft

 

Barry on the Fence

Not quite the clothesline

 

Poultry in Motion

Swans players (with the 7-foot poultry equivalent of Shirty the Slightly Aggressive Bear in tow) lap up the lap of honour