Round 22, 2005

 

 

The home and away season is over for another year and September fever is upon us. This Saturday afternoon sees the clash of the two Teams that Want it Least, as the season’s two most conspicuous under-achievers, Geelong and Melbourne, do battle.

 

After putting the world on notice with its superb display of Ablettmania to crush the Indian Ocean Pretty Boys the week before, Geelong once again failed to capitalise on solid foundations and once played like a bunch of scared hamsters in the second half against the Tiges. Having successfully employed such tactics to throw away the game against Melbourne two weeks ago after leading by 5 goals in the last quarter, Geelong attempted to replicate the feat after it led by – you guessed it – five goals in the last quarter. If not for one glorious piece of Ablett-to-Ablett poetry in the first quarter, when Nathan kicked long inside 50 to be met by a levitating Gary jnr defying gravity to take the Mark of the Year, footy fans could be forgiven for thinking that the Cats had spent the week at the Glenferrie modeling studio getting tips on indecisive, over-possessing sideways football from Alistair Clarkson.

 

Geelong now finish sixth and get rewarded with a coveted “home final”, at the home ground of their opponent, which they have played on twice this year. Forget about home preliminary finals interstate - if the AFL was fair dinkum about a final 8 system with “integrity” then surely they would grant Geelong the right to play its finals at Unskilled?

 

TigerWatch, Week 22: As much as footballinvective hates to be proven wrong, we admit that we jumped the gun with our constant predictions of a Richmond supporter revolt this year. It is with a mixture of regret and missed opportunity (in the same way that a spectator at a formula 1 race regrets that he didn’t get to see the spectacular pile-up) that we announce that 2005 has been a Non-Turning Season at Tigerland. However, hope is not lost. We can still live in hope for an off-season of discontent at Punt Rd, which is always on the cards. Exactly 10 years ago, after John Northey led the team to its first finals series in 13 years and the team enjoyed its first year of off-field stability since Messrs Wilson and Richmond were running the joint, barely two weeks had passed before Swooper was out the door and heading north at high speed to escape the axe about to be wielded by Big Mal Brown. The wisdom of this move was, of course, vindicated in subsequent years, as it ushered in the age of enlightenment that was the Walls-Gieschen-Frawley era.

 

Over at Subiaco, the Crows fulfilled the expectations that footballinvective.com has always had of them and won their first McClelland Trophy (as far as prestigious football awards go it’s up there with the “best clubman” award at the Dandenong Stingrays as one to get excited about). Their attention now turns to their next victim, the Over Rated Football Club (ORFC), who will be in for a re-run of the horror of 1997. We tip that Robert Shirley is poised to pick up where Darren Jarman left off on that memorable September afternoon 8 years ago. The 1997 re-match will be played at 7:30pm Melbourne time, which is half an hour ahead of West Lakes Mean Time (forget Greenwich, the Prime Meridian Should instead be based on the goal-to-goal line of Footy Park).

 

Not surprisingly, Crowmania has hit fever pitch in the City of Churches, and has once again provided an excuse for The Adelaide Advertiser to indulge in its favourite past-time of publishing homoerotic images of half-naked Crows players on its front page:

 

June 3

 

August 29

 

One can only hope that the “Bring it on” headline was not another indication of homoerotic intent on the part of the Advertiser’s journalists.

 

As the Team for All South Australians basks in top-of-the-table glory, the Team for Other South Australians managed to scrape into the 8 after dispatching the Heave-Ho from Freo. Once again, Teal Coloured Glasses was at the game and sent back the following musings:

 

The finals came a week early for Port Adelaide this year and although beating Fremantle at home appeared an easy enough proposition on paper, it took a second half blitzkrieg to ensure the Power kept their heads above water after the completion of the home and away season. The Port match committee was faced with some tough decisions going into the game with ageing warriors Josh Francou and Matthew Primus putting their hands up for places in the team which could, at best, be described as barely-deserved. The ramifications of the decisions to include the twosome were as spectacular as they were contrasting.

 

While Francou turned back the clock with a vintage display of close-in football, Primus spent the first quarter chasing Aaron Sandilands’ considerable shadow and the rest of the match riding the pine with yet another knee injury. The sight of DOBM Sandilands notching up double digit possessions in the first quarter while former All-Australian Primus battled to record so much as a hit out was a truly sad sight to behold and was a critical factor in Fremantle taking a five point lead into half time. Indeed, Primus’ expected absence from the remainder of Port’s finals campaign could eventually prove to be more blessing than curse.

 

After a gutsy and impressive first half and with their season on the line in the second, a fierce Fremantle assault was expected after the main break. Instead, the softness of the Dockers’ second half performance conjured up images of Fabio-narrated “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!” commercials. Whatever Chris Connolly said to his charges at half time should be recorded and acknowledged for all time as the quintessential example of how NOT to motivate a group to achieve a common goal. As compelling and inspiring as Marc Antony’s and Winston Churchill’s public orations, Connolly’s must be just as demoralizing and deflating because after his address Fremantle seemingly had less desire and motivation to perform than a team on five wins striving for a priority draft pick.

 

With Darryl Wakelin holding flavour-of-the-month Matthew Pavlich goalless and Justin Longmuir still celebrating with Dockers fans at Subiaco Oval from last Friday’s game-winner against the Saints, much of the Dockers’ attacking flair was stifled. Jeff Farmer and Paul Medurst proved that should David Copperfield ever need a stand-in for his vanishing act there are two pint-sized Freo forwards ready, willing and able to fill the breach. At the other end meanwhile, Dew, Mahoney and Razzle Dazzle Cassissi were able to benefit from a two-pronged Cornes midfield avalanche and by the ten minute mark of the final term it became clear that the Fremantle players’ annual September vacations would not be interrupted by unexpected and inconvenient games of football.

 

As for the Power, the sudden death scenario continues next week as they face perpetual nemesis North Melbourne at the Phone Dome on Sunday afternoon. After a heartbreaking Round 18 loss to the Roos, Port’s persistent inability to overcome the Shinboners became glaringly apparent and was described as ‘a marriage of dominance and submission’. A win this week with the stakes raised would certainly go a long way to ending that unholy union.

 

Having pulled of the Herculean football feat of knocking off the Dockers at home (according to Power fans this is somehow more impressive than the Crows beating the Eagles at Subiaco for the first time since the Victorian era), it seems the Power are now getting cocky. Chocko boldly declared in this week’s Advertiser that the “sleeping giant has finally awaken”, boasting that:

 

 "Everything points in the right direction…"We're pretty happy with where we are right now. In the past three weeks (against Adelaide, Brisbane and Fremantle) our blokes have got that look back in their eye and they are pretty keen to have a crack at it.

 

"We believe; others might not, but we do believe in ourselves. We're pretty happy with where we are right now. The guys have that look in their eyes. They are interested now.” I'm really excited about the coming weeks and I'm sure our supporters are as well." 

 

Of course the Port supporters are excited. Adelaide crime rates have plummeted as Port fans concentrate their energies on another big September.

 

But whilst Chocko was being (somewhat) circumspect in his big-noting of the now awakened Power, young Chad Cornes boasted to all and sundry that Port Adelaide’s “Arrogance is Back” (as if there was ever any doubt with Cornes junior). Sounding more like a cross between Mohammed Ali and Clubber Lang, Chad served up some of the best trash-talk of the year, gloating of the team that scraped into 8^th spot that:

 

"We're more confident going into this final series than last year. We've done it all before. Last year there was uncertainty because we had not won too many finals.

 

"(This year) we're definitely confident against any team. We're not afraid of anyone…We play our best when there is an arrogance about our game,"

 

Cornes also echoed the sentiments of all football purists by expressing the wish for a Mega Showdown (aka a Crows-Port finals game):

 

"We're not scared of Adelaide one bit… We'd love the chance to meet them again. We let ourselves down (in Showdown XVIII) with our skill errors . . . and we had a few great players out of that game. It would be a dream to play them."

 

"We know we're a good team. And if we bring our game, we're better than any team in the competition.”

 

“I don't mean stupid arrogance - that's not what we're after.”

 

Of course he doesn’t mean “stupid arrogance”. Presumably he’s merely referring to plain-old regular arrogance. In the same vein, it would be wrong to accuse him of “arrogant stupidity”. Regular stupidity seems more than sufficient to describe his antics.

 

Cornes: cocky

  

As previously stated on footballinvective.com, if there is one team in the AFL that is the bunny of another, it is Port vis-à-vis the Roos. And if there is one team that has a particular “hoodoo ground”, it is Port at Colon Stadium. Like Daryl Cullinan walking out to face a fired-up Shane Warne on a crumbling fifth day SCG pitch that's just been given the "heavy roller" treatment by a Melbourne supporter's Range Rover with the snow chains still on, Chad Cornes and Port Adelaide must now venture forth to their nemesis ground to face their nemesis team. It won’t be pretty.

 

First prize for the best non-Invective invective of the week goes to the mysterious new “matera.com.au” web site, which gives the poor-old underachieving Dockers a couple of big serves of which Andy Roddick would be proud:

http://www.matera.com.au/historyofdockers/
http://www.matera.com.au/dockers3seconds.swf

 

These two golden pieces of invective have prompted footballinvective.com to awaken from its apathy in relation to the Dockers and encouraged us to turn our attention to the Old Heave Ho. Twenty-two rounds of pent up frustration on the part of footballinvective.com at not being able to vent more spleen than a disembowelled samurai with regards to the insanity that pervades the Purple Army can now be furiously scribed for all the world to see, as we now take aim at the Dockers for their Round 22 fade-out (and plenty of other things as well). We hereby decree that the following individuals should cop it:

 

1.  Matthew Pavlich, for going completely AWOL for 120 minutes on Saturday night. Where was the best player of a side with as much spine as a jellyfish convention while it was being put to the sword by the reigning premiers in the biggest game of the year? Almost exactly like that hapless gimp on “Saving Private Ryan” who sat at the bottom of the stairs petrified and crying at his own wretchedness whilst the Nazi psychopath sadistically plunges a foot-long dagger into the chest of one of Uncle Sam’s finest, Pavlich watched on helplessly, hopelessly and pusillanimously as his Docker mates were mercilessly flayed by a born-again Port team. The Polariser lived up to all the hype, after all.

2.  The most overrated player in the comp, and another not afraid to gnaw at the hand that fed him so well, Josh Carr, who fell victim to undoubtedly the most poetic moment of this season. After the siren at Moron Park on Saturday night, Port champion, son of a champion and brother of a champion, Chad Cornes went over and patted Josh Carr patronisingly on the head, in a shamelessly inadequate attempt to assuage his ex-teammate after more Docker impotence. Like Richard Hadlee generously failing to bowl Mike Whitney in 1987, a priceless sporting moment. Josh Carr deserves his spot in the worst-ever Port team (Shane from Pooraka clearly knows his football), and joins a long list of colberters who have learned the hard way that colberting just doesn’t pay. Kids, if you don’t want to be like Josh Carr (and trust me, you don’t) always remember: just say no to colberting. 

3.  Chris Connolly, whose half-time speech surely ranks with George Costanza’s wedding toast as one of the worst-ever modern day examples of public oration. However, his self-delusional style (clearly modelled on the Peter Schwab method of coaching and man management) suits the Dockers, as it did (and does) his former employers at the Glenferrie Sheltered Workshop.

4.  Peter Bell, who actually was not named in the original 25 listed for the game. However, in another moment of self-aggrandisement, flagrant exhibitionism and fanciful megalomania that has now become de rigeur for this ruthless colberter, Bell made a ‘miraculous’ recovery from some imagined injury in an attempt to courageously lead his men to victory and a finals berth against the reigning premiers. But, like my fifth pen this week, he too went missing and frankly, I didn’t care too much about it either.

5.  Paul Hasleby, given a football lesson in quality hardball play by Port veteran Josh Francou, whose knees are about as stable as a Lego tower during Hurricane Katrina.

6.  Aaron Sandilands, for being stupid enough to injure Matthew Primus in the first quarter, after completing dominating him for 30 minutes. There is no doubting Primus’s ability before his knees resembled the end product of a 4 year-old playing with a meccano set minus instructions, but Chocko’s loyalty to the big fella is now overwhelmingly counter-productive to the Port quest for back-to-back premierships. As much as it will upset Teal Coloured Glasses to hear it, we believe Primus has crossed the threshold and should now officially be accorded the status of chief DOBM at Alberton.

7.  Freo defenders for a) letting Josh Mahoney kick four; b) not paying any respect to Dominic Cassisi, the king of Port razzle dazzle; and c) allowing Stuart Dew to show the football world in the last quarter why we love him so much.

8.  And the final credit, justifiably, goes to Angry Docker Fan, for caring in the first place.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Daryl Wakelin – second only to the Scarlett Pimp and daylight in the race for the finest defensive performance of the season. Pavlich wouldn’t have copped a flogging like that if he’d taken himself down to the Hellfire Club and paid $300 up front to “Mother Superior” for a hearty round of bondage and S&M.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Saverio Rocca had been earmarked for a landmark study at the Mayo Clinic’s Post-traumatic Stress Disorder centre, after copping a decade of hidings at the hands of Silvagni every time he faced the Blues. But he made up for it on the weekend, booting six of the finest. This also condemned the Blues to yet another coveted timber scoop – a double victory for DOBMs and football fans everywhere.

 

Clanger of the Week: Those with long memories and an eye for football fashion will recall that back in Round 11 young Saint lair Andrew McQualter was the deserved winner of Cult Figure of the Week for his magnificent new moustache, which revived memories of a revered football era, the Age of Tash. Whilst footballinvective.com has been wondering even since why his hirsute facial adornment suddenly vanished just as quickly as it appeared, the mystery was solved with a story in this week’s Age:

 

 

As shocking as it is to read that Grant Thomas was responsible for McQualter’s loss of Tash, it comes as no surprise. Thomas is therefore the runaway winner of Clanger of the Week for Round 22. Footballinvective.com has always been dark on Grant Thomas for his role in the unseemly knifing of Malcolm Blight at Moorabbin in 2001, and his general lack of coaching nous, but this is surely the last straw. Henceforth Thomas will also be known as the Man Who Killed the Tash. Whilst he may be able to overcome the other insults hurled at him, it will be impossible to live down this latest piece of self-inflicted ignominy.

 

Thomas has attacked two of the icons of the game that footballinvective.com holds most dear: Blighty and the Tash. In so doing he has stamped himself as the clear favourite for Clanger of the Year, and is sure to be a shoo-in as the first inductee in the footballinvective.com Hall of Shame (coming soon).

 

There is simply no denying it. Grant Thomas is BFF*

 

Thomas: Shame

 

*BFF: Bad For Football