Round 21, 2005

 

 

Few Cat fans who were fortunate enough to be at Unskilled Stadium on Saturday would have known that they were about to experience a moment of divine spiritual enlightenment. Little did they know that they were about to bear witness to a moment of ethereal splendour. Few would have had any inkling that history would be made on the hallowed paddock of Kardinia Park. We refer, of course, to what football historians will refer to in decades to come as the day of The Third Coming at Geelong, as Nathan Ablett announced himself to the football world.

 

In only his second game, Nathan Ablett blew away the Indian Ocean Pretty Boys and declared the game over at quarter time, after booting three magnificent goals and giving away two more. In a team that has struggled all year for on-field leadership, the youngest player on the field showed them all how it was done and (Matthew Scarlett notwithstanding) finally, finally, gave Geelong a player who had the confidence to come out of his shell and lead by example in a big game, rather than wait for somebody else to do so.

 

Like Moses descending from Mount Sinai, The Great Man also came down from his Blue Mountains lair to make a rare appearance at Unskilled and grace his former flock with his presence. Somehow, he must have known what an auspicious occasion it was going to be.

 

Cat fans and the football world were also treated to the magnificent spectacle of “Ablett to Ablett” forward-line play, whilst Gary junior, not to be outdone, put forward his own nomination for Goal of the Year in the last quarter. In a scene reminiscent of the The Great Man’s goal of the year of 1989, his young progeny dived under a pack of the forward flank, expertly gathered the ball, picked himself up, turned on a thrupenny bit, shrugged off three would-be tacklers, then casually slotted it through on the run from 50.

 

Ablettmania - The Third Coming

 

All year the football media and Geelong experts have been speaking of the dangers of talking up Nathan Ablett too much. Footballinvective.com respectfully agrees, and will maintain its policy of “keeping the lid on it”. We therefore limit our comments to the following highly reserved and considered understatements:

• Not since Brazil unveiled a 17 year-old Pele to an awe-struck world at the 1958 World Cup has the world witnessed the debut of such an outstanding young recruit.

• Just like the legendary Brazilian and his old man, young Nathan is also set for a magnificent 1,000-goal career.

• At the same age that Nathan is now, his father was still struggling to get a game in the Hawthorn twos, and was still three years away from his first game for the Cats. We humbly predict that in three years time young Nathan will have emulated his dad’s feat of winning three consecutive Coleman medals.

As we say, we are keeping the lid on things. It would be highly irresponsible to get too far ahead of ourselves just yet, but as Rex Hunt was so fond of saying, and will surely be saying for another decade to come:

 

“YABLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEETTTTTTT!!!!!!”

 

TigerWatch, Week 21: Just as the volatile Tiger army was verging on revolt after their team found themselves 7 goals behind the hamsters, the Tiges managed to turn it around and snatch a win over the 15^th-placed side that brought the same sort of reaction that a victory over a top 4 side once would have. Although the Hawks lost on the scoreboard the result was, nonetheless, a victory for traditional Hawthorn values of perseverance and tenacity. Unfortunately these values are no longer embodied in players wearing yellow and brown, but they are embodied in a certain S. Tuck of Richmond, who must have had them drummed into him as a young lad on his old man’s knee. When the going got tough, Tuck jnr once again came to the fore for his adopted side, with a B.O.G. performance that again demonstrated the strength of his old-style Hawthorn moral fibre (the fact that he is a cousin of Nathan Ablett may also have something to do with it…).

 

The result once again brought into focus the acts and omissions of the Hawthorn “brains trust” who let Tuck go. Needless to say, the result of the match would have been vastly different had Tuck been on the other side. The one positive that the Hawks can take out of the result is that it at least means Hawthorn will get to keep its priority draft pick this year, thus allowing the wise heads at Glenferrie to squander it by overlooking:

a)     another highly-talented son of a club legend; or

b)     the next Chris Judd 

 

Gold medal for the biggest beat-up of the year goes to Channel 9 “reporter” Tony Jones, who decided he’d had enough of being just a talking cardboard cut-out on the boundary line and decided to try his hand at some real “journalism” by revealing to the world the “scandal” of two umpires getting on the booze in business class on the long flight back from Perth and then talking themselves up in their tipsy state. Gosh, what an earth-shattering revelation. If Jones loiters around business class eavesdropping for long enough he could probably also break the earth-shattering news that several thousand drunken spivs also plan to join the mile high club with the nice air hostess that they’ve spent the previous two hours ogling. Whoop-de-do.

 

In the final wash-up, the “controversial” comments by the umpires reveal nothing about anything.  Are Tony Jones and the other football media conspiracy theorists really implying that the umps’ idle banter indicates that they influenced the result of the Freo-Saints game? Are they saying that the umpires help propel Longmuir into the air for that classic last-minute speccy, or helped guide the ball from his boot as it sailed through the big sticks after the siren? Are they inferring that the umpires’ nefarious plotting messed with the minds of the St Kilda coaching staff, as Grant Thomas responded to a pressure situation with his usual quick thinking and incisive moves? Or that these two umpires were somehow responsible for creating the confidence problem that still seems to afflict most Saints players whenever they are under the pump from half-decent opposition in a close game?

 

That an ‘incident’ such as this should be front-page news says a lot about how colourless the AFL has become in terms of off-field indiscretions (and how far the bone-headed football media will go to make excuses for another fade-out by Over-Rated Football Club and its coach). As far as newsworthy in-flight incidents go, it pales into insignificance in comparison to the classic football-related antics of the past, such as the occasion when Footscray players, with Doug Hawkins and Robert Groenewegen to the fore, “hijacked” their plane on the legendary end-of-season trip of 1985 (“This is captain Groenewegen speaking – we’re going down…”).

 

In yet another example of the mainstream media playing catch-up with footballinvective.com, the Herald Sun finally agreed with what footballinvective.com has been saying all year about Over-rated FC:

 

 

If the Herald Sun really thinks that, then why did 14 of their 15 “experts” tip St Kilda for the flag pre-season, at the same time that this web site was writing them off?

 

Mike “As consistent as Shoaib Aktar” Sheahan this week turned on his former heroes Grant Thomas and Nick Riewoldt, telling Thomas that “it’s going to take a miracle, mate”.

 

This is in contrast to what he was saying at the start of the year, when in one of his more sickening Burns-and-Smithers efforts, entitled No doubt Nick is a born leader, Mr Smithers wrote of his then-favourite coach and football love child that: 

“It's quite conceivable he could be the premiership captain and/or the Brownlow medallist in seven months. It's quite conceivable he could be the premiership captain and/or the Brownlow medallist in seven months, that's how big this kid is. Yet, as good as Riewoldt is as a player, even he needed the encouragement of coach Grant Thomas and teammates to convince him he was ready for the leadership role.”

 

Of course, his “leadership” was on display for all to see with his brave, stoic performance in Round 1, when all it took was two Brisbane backmen and one half of football to break him.

 

At the Gabbatoir, pundits were quick to declare the “end of an era” as the Lions went down the Power, and look like occupying the latter half of the ladder for the first time since the last days of John Northey and Roger Merrett. Comparisons were being made with the end of previous dynasties such as Richmond in the 70-80s and Hawthorn in the 80s-90s. If this is the case then we can look forward to the whole club becoming an insular rabble some time in the next 15 years, in which case the wheel will have turned full-circle back to the old days of the Brisbane Bears. Footballinvective.com’s much-traveled correspondent Teal Coloured Glasses journeyed to Bris Vegas and offered his thoughts on the result:

 

As several sides have proven this year, a trip north to ‘the Gabbattoir’ is no longer the panic-inducing prospect of seasons past. Although still capable of taking sides apart, age and injury have blunted the brilliance of Voss, Akermanis and Co. In a way, playing Brisbane is a lot like playing Pac-Man: normally you’re too busy just trying to stay alive to worry about too much else but when things swing the other way – either by way of eating a proton pellet or Jonathon Brown suffering a groin strain – the hunters quickly become the hunted. Nevertheless, a win in Brisbane against a team fighting for its finals life is still a fantastic result for Port outfit that has had more problems on the road this season than an L-plater attempting their first hook turn in peak hour traffic. (What he really meant to say was “more problems on the road than Byron Pickett after a big win” – Eds)

 

With the exception of a few minutes at the beginning of the second quarter, the Power controlled the tempo and rhythm of the match like a drummer from the Buena Vista Social Club. Port’s high skill, high possession game was running Brisbane ragged and on the odd occasion when the Lions did manage to forge forward the lack of a psychotic, punch-throwing madman in the goal square was clearly felt in Alastair Lynch’s absence. It must have made a nice change for the Wakelin family for one of the twins to come home without a single black eye or broken jaw after a clash with Brisbane.

 

Last week TCG claimed that a surprise of Rutten-esque proportions was required for Port Adelaide to remain in the finals hunt after their loss to TTFASA P/L. Thankfully for the Teal army, the football Gods were smiling on the Power and the 5 goal victory was enough to set up a winner-takes-all (if you consider 8^th spot to be ‘all’) clash with Fremantle in Round 22 – an extremely winnable game unless of course Matthew ‘Richard’ Head gets given the task of controlling proceedings and again succumbs to the irrepressible urge to taste that winning Fremantle feeling. A rare and potent drug though it is, to be sure.

 

The dilemma facing the Power for that game is whether to restore sentimental favourites Matthew Primus and Josh Francou to a line up which in their absence has begun to rediscover some long-lost form. Warren Tredrea seems tired of playing Costello to Primus’ Howard and the sad fact is that Port Adelaide is a better outfit when the Mattress is unavailable. It also seems highly unfair to drop Chesty Bonds Brogan when it is his ruck combination with Brendon Lade which has done so much to put Port in a position where they can still determine their own fate.

 

Similarly, Francou’s tribunal-enforced break has given Shaun Burgoyne the chance to show his centre-square ability. His pace, energy, and the fact that he doesn’t give away 6 free kicks a match make a refreshing change from what we’ve seen from Josh for much of the year. Throw into the mix other potential inclusions like Pickett, Ebert and James and it becomes clear that Mark Williams has something of a selection headache heading into the definitive mini-final. We can only hope that the definitive dud coach Tony McGuinness has no say in the selection proceedings.

 

Whilst Port Power fans scramble desperately for the last remaining scraps of finals action, in the same way they scramble for bargains at the Dimmey’s sale, Crow fans can now start stocking their chardonnay cellars for a big celebration in the last week of September, in light of the Eagle’s latest impotent effort, and the Crows record-breaking walk in the (moron) park against the Cold Pies.

 

Connoisseur Crow fans with an eye for quality should also direct their gaze to the prime quality sporting memorabilia available from the SA “I Love Sport” online portal. Footballinvective.com stumbled upon its special offer on Crows premiership port earlier this week, and believes that quality memorabilia such as this deserves to be promoted as widely as possible. Accordingly, we hereby re-produce the advertisement in full below:

The premium aged 750ml Adelaide Crows Tawny Port is produced by Drayton's Family Wines (Est 1853) one of the oldest family owned wineries in Australia who have been making premium port for over 150 years. Each bottle neck is dipped in a wax to compliment the club colours and the commemorative 2005 Adelaide Crows Label. A feature to the 2005 Adelaide Crows Team Port is each bottle is accompanied with a superbly crafted mahogany port stand featuring a gold football shaped front plaque stating 2005. This port stand will allow you the opportunity to display the port in a professional way fitting for such a fine piece of memorabilia.

 

Don’t know about you, but footballinvective.com was particularly impressed by the “superbly crafted mahogany port stand”. This stand is so superb that it must have been hewn from same magnificent mahogany tree as the exquisite piece of kitchenware that is now up for grabs between the Hawks, Blues and Pies. Just as it is now a dead-set certainty that a once mighty and proud Victorian team will win the mahogany ladle this year, it is equally certain that the “superbly crafted mahogany port stand” will be taking pride of place in the trophy cabinet at West Lakes alongside the 1997, 1998 and 2005 premiership cups.

 

 

Hero of the Week: Nathan Ablett – speaks for itself

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Nathan Ablett - ditto

 

Clanger of the Week: Darren “Fragile - this side up” Glass - Nathan Ablett’s opponent (one of three). Nothing he could do about it, and hardly his fault, but he was made to look like prize clanger by the young star.