Round 20, 2005

 

 

Round 20 was notable for the debut of one N. Ablett, second son of The Great Man. Many have speculated this year on whether young Nathan would be able to handle the physical demands of playing in the big league. However, such speculators have really missed the point. Regardless of the physical strain of playing football at the highest level, what is even more demanding for a Geelong player is the mental ability to handle the perennial frustration and heartache caused by the club’s astounding ability to underachieve like no other. Young Nathan’s team mates did the right thing by him and gave him the perfect blooding into senior football at the Cats by showing him exactly what he can expect in years to come – early patches of top-line brilliance, building up expectations of success, only to insipidly fold and turn into complete pretenders, in this case by blowing a 6 goal lead to lose to Melbourne by a point. In just one afternoon the Geelong players managed to encapsulate the entire life-time that awaits Nathan Ablett and any other wide-eyed youngsters who should decide upon a career at Sleepy Hollow.

 

It was a week when mediocrity came to the fore, as the two most mediocre teams of 2005, Hawthorn and Carlton, both scored upset wins. But in so doing they showed that they are currently better teams than Geelong, which has without doubt been the most mediocre team of Rounds 17-20. Hawthorn managed to beat Essendon, something Geelong could not do in the past month, whilst Carlton managed to beat Collingwood, something Geelong was also incapable of doing. And, of course, those 7 teams that have so easily stitched up Melbourne in the past 7 weeks are all streets ahead of Geelong as well.

 

But just when Geelong thought they were (again) the most humiliated and pitiful identity in football, along comes Gary Ayres to challenge for the title. Last Tuesday’s Herald Sun had Geelong fans throughout Victoria choking on their cornflakes when they turned to the back page to see Gary Ayres – of all people, Gary Ayres – dispensing gratuitous advice on where Geelong was going wrong. His gall really does beg the obvious question, but for those not familiar with Geelong’s recent history the question deserves to be posed again:

Q: Where was Ayres when Geelong was at rock bottom and really needed him in 1999? 

A: Exactly the same place Leigh Colbert was – out the door, and looking after Number 1.

 

Ayres had the temerity to get stuck into Bomber Thompson for his “body language”, arguing that “players react to it, and that certainly has a dramatic effect on the whole place”. Ayres can at least comment with come credibility on this subject. After all, he would have seen (and created) plenty of bad body language in his latter years at the Crows. His record speaks for itself – the very week that he left in Round 14 last year his former players’ body language (and everything else about them) went through the roof and they went from disinterested cellar dwellers to knocking off the ladder leaders by 12 goals. This year, the exact same bunch of players that Ayres couldn’t even motivate to pull their fingers out last year now sit proudly in second place and speak in glowing terms of how they have rediscovered their team spirit by having a coach who actually believes in them. Gary Ayres’ record as a coach speaks for itself – when the going got tough at Geelong, he got going. When he got going from Adelaide, the Crows got tough.

 

Ayres once again demonstrated the wisdom of Confucious 4,000 years ago when in one of his most famous sayings he declared “Man who is a has-been will never again be more than a wannabe.”

 

Gary Ayres giving advice to a team that he colberted is like Cheryl Kernot giving advice to the Democrats post-1997. And Ayres now finds he is about as relevant as Kernot post-2001.

 

On the Saturday it seemed as if football justice would be done, as the Blues scored a rare win to return Hawthorn to 16^th spot. But just as the Fat Lady was warming up to announce the long-awaited Hawk spoon to the world, they pulled off an unexpected win against Essendon on Sunday, as the Trabant once again spluttered to a halt. Whilst many footy fans will spend the next two weeks sweating over whether it is still “mathematically possible” for their team to make the 8, all true footy fans will be relieved that is still “mathematically possible” for Hawthorn to with the mahogany ladle.

 

At Moron Park, Neil Craig, aka The Genius, managed to go where no South Australian had gone before, and achieve two Showdown wins in a year for the Crows, a feat not even the greatest South Australian (and by extension the greatest Australian) of all time (Blighty) could achieve. An increasingly bitter Teal Coloured Glasses captured the mood amongst Port fans from his car park barbecue in the Max Basheer reserve:

 

At first it was funny. Then it started to get annoying. Now it’s starting become a worry. Any Port fan will tell you that seeing the Crows play well is a distinctly unpalatable experience at the best of times. In a year which the Power was expected to contend and the Crows to struggle however, it is a particularly bitter pill to swallow. The Crows’ second Showdown victory this year has seemingly been the cue for fans of the test-tube club to finally start believing that ‘Genius’ Neil Craig is indeed the light at the end of the Gary Ayres tunnel and that their team is ready to embark on another September assault. Just the thought of The Team For All South Australians Pty Ltd getting their undeserving hands on football’s greatest prize is enough to actually make the prospect of Over-Rated FC (St Kilda) ending their title drought seem an attractive proposition in comparison.

 

The most troubling thing about the Crows is this: they are a side made up of absolutely terrible players. The mere mention of names like Shirley, Skipworth, Bock, Hudson, Perrie et al would – until this season – be enough to inspire fits of hysterical laughter among non-Crow footy fans across the country as images of dropped chest marks and shanked kicks sprung instantly to mind. Even now, the residual memories are enough for a snigger or two. The problem is that the Genius has somehow found a way to conceal from his players their own lack of ability and through some kind of brainwashing and/or witch doctoring has them believing that far from being a collection of cast-offs and future trade bait, they are actually a genuine premiership contender.

 

The fact that we are presented with this surreal reality also highlights just how few teams are playing anything resembling good football at the moment. Before the match it appeared that a Port loss would even render the phrase ‘mathematical chance’ obsolete in the Chocco vocabulary but losses by almost every other team competing (a loose term in this case) for the final spot in the top 8 means that the status quo is maintained for at least another week. A win for the Power over Brisbane at the ‘Gabba is a must this week to keep the dream alive. Impossible you say? The fact that Ben Rutten is being mentioned as a potential All-Australian full back should tell you that no matter how unlikely, sometimes miracles do happen.

 

Round 20 was also designed “Heritage Round” by the AFL, which gave the players the chance to try on a novel style of jumper, or in Hawthorn’s case, to model their latest mardi gras costume:

 

Whilst it is a worthy idea in theory, Heritage Round is currently nothing more than an excuse for the AFL marketing department to sell some funny-looking footy jumpers. For once, the NRL (National Rapist League) is leading the AFL in the innovation stakes. It’s own version of the “Heritage Round” is its much-awaited “70s round”, which will take place next week. The AFL should consider doing the same thing, but this time go much further than just retro jumpers in order to recapture this Golden Age of football. For example, the following teams should adopt the following 1970s-style policies for the next “70s Heritage Round”:

 

• St Kilda - All seats behind the goals at the Lockett End of Colon Stadium to be ripped out and the concrete covered in gravel, mud and broken amber glass, with the affected area to be encircled by an 8 foot high cyclone fence, in an attempt to recreate the “Animal Enclosure” at Moorabbin (with compulsory fitness test at the gate to weed out any Saints fans who weigh less than Plugger in his prime)

• Hawthorn -  the Hawks to rediscover their heritage by embracing the traditional, no-nonsense values of John Kennedy and Allan Jeans. Accordingly, all full-length mirrors and hair styling products to be banned from the Glenferrie Modelling Studio for one week only (and the Hawthorn board to brace itself for the inevitable player revolt)

• Sydney – The Bloods should embrace their proud history as South Melbourne and attempt to re-create the atmosphere of the old night games at the Lakeside Oval, which was notorious for the “dark pocket” that the sub-standard floodlights failed to illuminate. Accordingly, one pocket of Telstra Stadium to be kept in a darkened state, and Barry Hall to play the entire game in said pocket. J. Akermanis and any other smart-arse players in need of a ‘square up’ to be sent into said pocket. The AFL and the Sydney Swans Football Club Pty Ltd accept no liability for any injury or misfortune that may ensue

• Adelaide – As previously mooted, the Crows should return to traditional SA values, by re-creating an on-field bloodbath in a big game, thus rekindling the wild SANFL days of the 1970s, when the likes of Fabulous Phil and Dave “Grave Danger” Granger struck fear into all and sundry. Furthermore, Crows fans have gone a bit soft since the height of the “Kick a Vic” hysteria of the 1980s, and the loss of Ted Whitten to fire them up. We’re sure they can come up with something, given the right guidance by a suitably ‘patriotic’ South Australian identity. Knuckles and KG, please step forward….

• Port Adelaide – The wharfies should lose that ridiculous feminine teal and return the famous black and white “prison bars” (lace-up style) and in the process tell Eddie and Allan McAlister to go jump.

• Carlton – The Bluebirds (below) should re-appear at a Carlton home game, thus re-kindling memories of the Blues at the peak of their powers, and at least enabling someone representing the navy blues to show some ‘natural talent’ on a football field:

• Every team to nominate a designated tash wearer, and at least one mullet in the selected side (preferably on the same player, a la David Cloke and Wow Jones in their prime).

• Half price entry to all games for anyone dressed in a duffle coat with their favourite player’s number on the back.

 

Hero of the Week: As much as it makes us wince to award it to a Hawthorn player, Campbell Brown was impossible to ignore, with his spectacular pugilistic effort in the huge half-time melee against the Dons. Young Campbell admirably filled the shoes of his old man Mal Brown and brought joy to the football world by:

1. Bringing back some old-fashioned biffo to the AFL;

2. Hitting Matty Lloyd;

3. Lashing out afterwards in the Herald Sun, proclaiming that “Lloyd deserved it”; and 

4. Being joined by his old man, who also lashed out, re-assuring Lloyd that “I would have done the same thing”, and echoing the thoughts of millions of footy fans who, let’s face it, also dreamed of doing the same thing

 

Cult Figure of the Week: As if stepping out in that magnificent gold Eagles jumper (which was up there with permed mullets, leather ties and Don Johnson-style white suits as one of the fashion icons of 1987) wasn’t enough, the Juddernaut put in a performance of lair flair and that was truly befitting of the last person to wear number 3 in the gold jumper (C. Mainwaring). And we’re just talking about how good he looked. He also managed a lazy 40 possessions as well.

 

Clanger of the Week: Gary Ayres – The contrast could not be more stark. In a week in which one Crows coach (The Genius) made Showdown wins seem de riguer, the former Crows coach who made Showdown losses an art form tried desperately to get someone to notice him. And failed.