Round 16, 2005

 

 

After 16 rounds of football, the true pecking order has now emerged in so far as premiership favouritism is concerned. The clear flag front-runners have stood up to be counted, and have now aligned themselves in the following order:

First: Adelaide Crows

Second: Daylight

Third: West Coast Eagles

  

Several weeks ago it was claimed by the more parochial sections of the South Australian sporting media (God bless ‘em) that only complacency and bad umpiring could stop the Crows. They were wrong. As the last quarter against Fremantle two weeks ago proved, even when 18 Mr Complacencies take the field the Crows can still win. That leaves only the umpires as the only group that stands between the (Gay) Pride of South Australia and premiership glory. The men in white (or green, or orange or whatever it is this week) are on notice. All South Australians will hold them to account if they dare stand in the way. Moreover, we’re sure Jeff Gieschen is still wading through the plethora of Tiger fan hate mail after his underwhelming spell as head coach, so he needn’t make any more enemies than is absolutely necessary.

 

Down at Sleepy, Wet and Windy Hollow, where conditions resembled Yoda’s home planet of Dagobah, Geelong stitched up the Power and finally buried Chocko’s remaining chances of back-to-back glory.

 

For those who have been scratching their heads all year wondering how Geelong be unbeatable one week, yet the very next week wander around aimlessly like the Leyland Brothers lost in the middle of the outback after two slabs and a bout of amnesia, the answer to this mystery is now clear. Geelong flogged Port because they played classic “Wet Weather Football”. In other words they did the following:

• Stuck to the basics;

• Played straight down the guts;

• Kicked instead of handballed;

• Kicked long and fast into the forward line, thus denying the opposition any chance of flooding;

• Did not over-possess;

• Disposed of the ball quickly;

• Weren’t afraid to kick to a contest or kick a mongrel punt, so long as they pumped it forward; and

• Tackled at every opportunity

Call us simple, but isn’t this straightforward, no-nonsense “wet weather” strategy also equally valid in dry weather? One of the problems with modern football is that simple concepts become over-complicated. Yabbie Jeans was correct – footballers are just like sausages. It doesn’t matter whether you fry them, boil them, curry them or bake them, they’re still just sausages. So why do so many teams feel the need to chip them around, flood them and excessively handball them?

 

When Geelong chooses to over-complicate things they lose their confidence and become indecisive and defensive. When they tried the complicated approach they got done by Fremantle at home and then struggled for the next month. Yet when Geelong chose to keep it simple this week they made the reigning premiers look like the biggest bunch of dills in the wet since Noah’s mates knocked back his invitation to go for a cruise on that big wooden boat he was building. Imagine what the Cats could do to sides on a dry track with this sort of approach?

 

TigerWatch, Week 16: As if on cue after last week’s prediction of another ninth place finish for the Tiges, Richmond flicked the switch from “thereabouts” to “fadeout” against the Saints. There can now be no doubt – another narrow finals miss-out is a dead certainty for the boys from Punt Road. Footballinvective.com extends its thanks to Darren from London, who having just experienced the joy of witnessing Glenn McGrath shatter the naïve dreams of 50 million deluded English cricket fans on day 1 at Lord’s, is also clearly enjoying the Tiger’s imminent demise. Darren forwarded this gem of a tribute song to the Yellow and Black:

 

(to 'Love Potion Number Nine')

 

I took my troubles down to Madam Ruth.

That gypsy with the gold and black-capped tooth.

she KNOWS where each team’ll be in two months time. She said

about the Tiges... "I've a notion they'll come ninth."

 

I told her that the Tigers ALWAYS fall.

It's been that way since 1994.

She looked at my scarf and made a magic sign

but all that it confirmed was...

“Tiges down at number nine”

 

She dabbed my tears and said "I know what I'll do...

check out their fortunes in a year or two.

By then Plow's message might've gotten through."

I held my breath, I closed my eyes - what could I do??

 

I didn't know if it was day or night.

I started seeing smoke and flashing lights.

Finally she turned and looked me in the eye

and uttered very sadly...

"I've a notion they'll come ninth."

 

In more football news this week:

 

The shiny new model BMW M6 (Eagles) completely blew away the superseded M5 (Brisbane) at the lights, and never looked like being caught all Saturday night at Subiaco. We tipped this.

 

North Melbourne comfortably had the bye this week, edging ever closer to finals action. In an otherwise hugely lacklustre encounter, it was that man again, Glenn Archer, who dominated with his usual unique combination of poise, brute force and class. Like Colonel Sanders, the Shinboner of the Millennium obviously doesn’t see age as an impediment to his renewed quest for world domination.

 

To change the subject completely: Imagine this puzzle on “Wheel of Fortune”. Baby John’s clue is this: “Melbourne’s premiership chances after their loss to the Swans on Saturday night.” The lovely, if intensely fragile, Adriana Xenides shows you four blank panels, indicating a four-letter word. You spin the wheel, picking up $200. Baby John asks you for your letter, to which you reply cautiously, “G for Green.” “Correct”, says Baby John, with applause from studio audience. You spin the wheel again, picking up that $75 just next to ‘lose a turn’, but you don’t really mind because you already know the answer. Burgo asks, “Letter?” You reply confidently, “R for Russell Robertson”, and the beautiful Adriana turns the third panel. More studio applause. 

 

You then fling that wheel manfully, watching it spin on and on again until (that’s right, you guessed it) it lands on TOP DOLLAR!!!!! “$1000 – that’s more money than David Schwarz has on him at the moment, that’s for sure”, Burgo exclaims with much haughtiness. Studio audience goes bananas. Adriana winks at you knowingly. Burgo is just loving it. Anyway, without prompting, you sing out, “N for Nicholson!” “Bingo!” cries Burgo, looking ever so dapper in those fantastic duds he reserved for his game show appearances. More raucous studio banter. Deeksy puts on that tone over the loudspeaker, indicating that all the consonants have been taken care of. Burgo confirms this fact. The sweet Adriana gesticulates towards the four panels, which now read:

 

G – R N

 

Absolutely no need to buy a vowel. You give the answer, Baby John tweaks that magnificent tash, crowd is happy, Adriana turns that last panel revealing the O, (ironically, the number of Demon premierships since 1964) and then flirts at you with that winning smile, because you are just so hot, so smart, and oh so sexy. And it’s there, spelt out in front of a national audience in illuminated black letters – Melbourne in 2005:

GORN

 

In a further humiliation for the Demons, Barry Hall flew in the face of his ‘Clanger of the Week’ nomination a fortnight ago, with seven of the best against the hapless Dees, who really are playing like Fuchsias at the minute. The Swan big man has rumoured to have told close friends (if he has any) that if he ever sees the bastard who gave him Clanger of the Week, the physical punishment inflicted on the said bastard would make Sam McFarlane’s facial injuries look like a aberrant smudge of rouge on a Miss World contestant.

 

To change the subject one more time: ‘The Three Stooges’ has always been ranked as one of the great comedy classics, with an assortment of slapstick, wit, wacky antics and spur-of-the-moment hijinks. Unfortunately though, black-and-white television meant that this footballinvective.com contributor never was able to tell what Larry, Curly and Moe might look like in colour. Gratefully however, Arthur from Glen Iris, a self-confessed massive fan of the ‘Stooges’, has supplied us with this incredible full colour, digitally enhanced photograph of the trio, engaging in another moment of utter hilarity and stupendous laughs:

 

   

Special Announcement: In light of our announcements over the last fortnight of new medals for Hero of the Year and Cult Figure of the Year, footballinvective.com is proud to announce the inauguration of the new prize for Clanger of the Year. This award will be the highest honour for underachievement, stupidity and stuff-ups in football. Given the myriad varieties of underachievement that exist in football, it has been decided that this award, like the Malcolm Blight Medal for Hero of the Year, will also include several categories to recognize excellence in underachievement by football players, football administrators and the football media. In the event of a truly stand-out feat of underachievement in 2005, the editors also reserve the right to award a “Gold Clanger” for the single greatest stuff-up of the year. However, like a full forward kicking the ton, a Gold Clanger is a very significant achievement, and one that will not necessarily occur every season.

 

Accordingly, we hereby present the following 3 medals:

 

The John Bourke Medal for Clanger of the Year by an AFL player – This award speaks for itself. There could be no other name for the award to honour the biggest on-field brain explosion in any given season. No one who has ever seen the endless repays could forget Bourke’s (in)famous clanger in THAT 1985 reserves game, which including decking a field umpire and then jumping the fence to rumble with the crowd, with the end result from the Tribunal being suspension for a lazy 10 years. Due to an amazingly fortuitous set of circumstances, the incident became immortalised in the minds of all football viewers as a result of (a) the reserves game being televised live; and (b) Slug Jordan being in the commentary box (“Take the boy off, take him off…”)

 

The Geoffrey Edelston Medal for Clanger of the Year by a Football Administrator – This was a much tougher decision in terms of naming rights, given the litany of stuff-ups, ego-tripping, incompetence and lairising from those who have tried their hand at running football clubs over the years. From Ted Parker the pie magnate in “The Club” to Ranald McDonald’s “New Magpies”, to successive bungled coach sackings by the Tigerland board, the list is long and distinguished. Edelston nudges out some stiff competition, including Christopher Skase, who bankrupted the Brisbane Bears, and Rueben Pelerman, who was mad enough to buy it from him. Edelston, of course, rose to prominence in 1985 as the head of a conglomerate of Sydney spivs formed to buy the struggling Swans. Almost immediately, the boneheaded football media assumed he was born with another three Christian names, given that the ubiquitous prefix “Flamboyant Sydney Medico” preceded every mention of his name. 

 

Edelston came to embody everything that was questionable about football club officialdom and the era in which he lived – zero knowledge of the game; the pink Lamborghini; the “glamourous” wife; administrative incompetence; financial shadiness; conspicuous consumption; media seduction; and ultimately, ruin and scandal for the club. What the boneheaded media, and the VFL, failed to realise until it was all too late was that Edelston actually had no wealth of his own with which to pay for his purchase. He was actually nothing but a “front man” for other spivs even more dodgy then himself, who needed a “presentable” face for their consortium. On the day the sale of the Swans to Edelston was announced he tapped the VFL on the shoulder and fessed up that he didn’t actually have the money himself. Clang! The rest, as they say, is history.

 

And finally, the third medal in our veritable litany of Clanger awards:

 

The Mike Sheahan Medal for Clanger of the Year by a football journalist or commentator – No further comment required.

 

Edelston - Spiv

 

 

Hero of the Week: Eagles Captain Ben Cousins starred for Porn United in the win over the Lions, and made every shot a money shot, with five of the best. 41,000 fans at Subiaco all reached for a cigarette after watching Cousins’ latest lascivious performance.

 

Cult Figure of the Week: Matthew Pavlich dominated Carlton’s backline and Lance Whitnall to became Fremantle’s second greatest cult figure in their short history (statistically speaking, that is). His bag of nine against the Blues was the second-highest number of sausage rolls ever kicked by a Fremantle player, second only to fellow legendary South Australian and the greatest blonde mullet of all time, Tony Modra, who once kicked 10. Nonetheless, true to his reputation as the great polariser of media opinion, Pavlich still gave the boneheaded fourth estate reason to get stuck into him and doubt whether he is truly the real deal. Plenty of pundits will once again be quick out of the blocks to point out that big question marks still remain. After all, it was only against Carlton.

 

Clanger of the Week: After weeks of knocking on the door of Clanger of the Week, nay, kicking the door down, the F-train finally broke through this week, with a performance that made him impossible to ignore. In the two weeks since he finally signed his new million dollar deal with the Blues, the F-train has kicked a grand total of .... wait for it …… ZERO goals. It hasn’t been a great season for big Brendan. The writing was on the wall in Round 1, when the General Leigh kept him touchless in the first half. This performance was a ominous harbinger for his touchless second half …. second half of the season, that is.