Round 15, 2005

 

 

It was the week of the overpaid and under-achieving forward. The F-train had the stand-out stats of 0 kicks, 0 marks and 0 goals, yet still gets a million dollar deal from the Blues. Down at the Glenferrie modelling studio, Dutchy Holland griped to the world that he should be getting a run in the firsts and not adding to his illustrious record of being the most highly-paid and over-qualified player in Box Hill’s history. Most surprising of Dutchy’s remarks was his claim that his presence in the seniors would provide guidance to the young players in the forward line by sharing his ‘wealth of experience.’ Nick Holland mentoring young forwards is a bit like Steve Vizard mentoring young spivs on matters of corporate governance – sure, they both might have built up some knowledge over the years, but if there was a time to impart it to others, that time has surely passed.

 

The Eagle Porn Stars collectively almost fell victim to the most unpleasant perineal insult since John Hopoate was last in town, as the Junkyard Mutt’s men came from behind to almost nab them in most unpleasant circumstances, after West Coast were cruising at three quarter time with a 27 point lead. However, just as Laidley had to make way for Woosha and his premiership glory at the Eagles as a player, history may prove that as a coach too, the Mutt may just not quite be up to Worsfold’s level. Some further interesting points from what was probably the match of the season so far:

• Past Hero of the Week recipient Phillip Matera, might look like Frankie Dettori on nandrolone, and figuratively and literally, will always walk in his older brother’s shadow, but his five goal performance was decisive, and further evidence of his undoubted match-winning capabilities. At Porn United, he is unquestionable proof that size doesn’t always matter, especially when size means playing Quinton Lynch in the goal square.

• Past Cult Figure of the Week recipient, David Wirrpunda again showed us why every quality porn flick needs a quality black man. Seriously though, his perfectly judged, last ditch marks and exceptional distribution were the foundations upon which Eagle victory was built. Suffice to say, Wirrpunda and Matera were clearly the two best players on the ground. 

• Troy Makepeace suffered the ignominy of playing the entire match on the afore-mentioned two players. This chicken-and-egg scenario begs the question of whether he thus bears responsibility for the result. Or has he just been taking lessons from Mark Bairstow?

• The Arab put in yet another blinder, this time on Daniel Glass, who was allowed express written permission from Director of Umpiring Jeff Gieschen to convert Thommo into a Chesterfield for 120 minutes. Maybe Thommo simply had become bored by (or clinically depressed at) the ‘wealth of experience’ on offer from Dutchie at the Glenferrie Hamster Wheel to ever reveal to the world his true greatness at Hawthorn. In any event and whatever the reasoning, Nathan Thompson will prove to be either the best big man pick up since Paul Salmon re-discovered his mojo at the Hawks, or the biggest fraud since Milli Vanilli won that Grammy in 1990.

• As a neurosurgical trainee learns early on that too many mistakes can have unfortunate repercussions the mental wellbeing of those in his care, not to mention his own career, football coaches also need to appreciate that an inability to identify and correct errors jeopardises not only the livelihood of his team, but also the validity of his own tenure. Laidley, like a 10 year-old bed wetter, seems a very slow learner.

TigerWatch, Week 15: Just as the “point of no return” is a well-recognised concept in navigation and military tactics, tiger watchers may soon be forced to acquaint themselves with the concept of the “point of no turn”. As amazing as it would have seemed in light of pre-season predictions and last year’s record, we may be about to bear witness to a season in which the Tiger fans do not turn against their team. The warning signs pointing to a turn have been there throughout the year, and they escaped a turning by only one point against the Swans a week ago, but after 15 rounds they are still in the 8 and supporters are still convincing themselves that they are in fact an OK side. More disturbingly, supporters are also still convincing themselves that Plow is an OK club leader.

 

Whilst it is too early to estimate exactly when the Point of No Turn is likely to be, it must be borne in mind that an NTS (No Turn Season) is a distinct possibility, as disappointing as that is for all of us who have lived all season in anticipation of the entertainment and drama that only (yet) another Richmond supporter revolt can provide.

 

However, there is still hope. Whilst another winter-long fade out leading to a bottom four finish is now out of the question, it still remains distinctly possible for the Tiges to suffer another end-of-season fade out and once again finish ninth, agonisingly just outside of the Final 8, a feat Richmond has managed to accomplish on no less than 4 occasions in the decade since the 8 was implemented (1994, 1996, 1998, 2000). That should give Tiger fans plenty to get aggro about.

 

The Cats again choked under pressure, this time sinking in the Sydney Swamp. In addition to being cursed with carrying a consignment of Louis Vuitton’s finest over their shoulders, half the team was also allegedly ill from flu. Whilst a team in Geelong’s current poor form may wish to overstate the extent of any ailment on various players, there can be no doubt that at least one player was severely debilitated. The fact that Barry Hall went from kicking no goals on Darren Gaspar to then kicking 5 on Matthew Scarlett a week later shows just how devastating Scarlett’s illness must have been.  Footballinvective.com hereby proposes that Round 15 2005 be permanently erased from all records of Scarlett’s career, as it was clearly not indicative of the relative abilities of either him or his opponent and if taken out of context by historians in future years, could paint an unfair and inaccurate image of this great player at the height of his skills.

 

Scarlett’s ailment notwithstanding, it is impossible to deny that the Geelong at the present time are severely under the influence of both a slump and the pump. Drastic measures are now required to turn around the team. Since Geelong at the present time cannot point to the usual scapegoats or excuses of other lame teams (ie. bad management, a bad list, a dud coach or feral supporters) it must look elsewhere for the answers to its woes. Given that the fundamentals of the team are generally sound, we conclude that its problems are overwhelmingly psychological. We therefore propose the following plan to turn around the Cats before it’s too late:

1. Motivational Speakers to address the team before key games, such as: Margaret Thatcher, speaking on the theme of  “Just because you carry a handbag, doesn’t mean you can’t be tough”; Mark Bairstow on the topic of “Remember just how evil the West Coast Eagles are – look what they did to me.”

2. The new grandstand at Unskilled to be named the “Baroness Thatcher Stand” as a constant reminder to the team of the kind of spirit they should be playing with on the field.

3. Sam Newman to edit, produce and market a new “lowlights” DVD package showing the worst examples of Leyland Brothers football played by the Cats in 2005. This would not only satisfy Sam’s perennial desires to pour scorn on his team (quite often deserved) but may also finally focus the players’ attention on what they have been doing so wrong this year.

4. All Geelong midfielders to be fitted with racehorse style blinkers to ensure they only run straight down the guts and are not able to look (let alone kick or handball) sideways.

5. Players to spend several hours of training each week sitting on trams going up and down Bourke St in an attempt to show them what it means to travel in a straight line.

    

Special Announcement: Further to last week’s announcement of the inauguration of the Malcolm Blight Medal for Hero of the Year, footballinvective.com is proud to inaugurate the new award to honour the Cult Figure of the Year.

 

Choosing a name for the new medal is one of the most difficult decisions for any football administrator, given the enormous number of cult figures that a game as great as ours has produced over the years. But after weeks of reflection, soul-searching and introspection, it has been decided to name the award in honour of one of the greatest cult figures of all time. We hereby present the Peter Bosustow Medal.

 

There were so many cult figures to choose from, but it has been decided that Bosustow best embodies all of the attributes that football fans look for in cult figures, and is exactly the sort of player that the AFL needs now to add extra excitement to the code (what would one give to see the Buzz back in the Navy Blue goalsquare in place of the hapless F-Train...). Bosustow’s qualities distinguish him as a clear stand out amongst cult figures, in particular:

• He was the greatest lair in the greatest team of lairs in the greatest era of lairs;

• He won both Mark of the Year and Goal of the Year in his first season in the VFL, 1981 (both against Geelong, unfortunately).

• He generated some of the greatest lines of all time from football commentators (Peter Landy: “Bosustow! Mark of the Year!”; Jack Dyer: “A good ordinary player”; Lou Richards: “Bosustow! Not bad for an ordinary player, I hope Jack Dyer’s watching”)

• He was one of the foremost exponents of the Age of Tash;

• Like other great cult figures, his time in the spotlight was brief, bursting on the scene in 1981, helping Carlton win two flags, and then nicking off back to WA after only 3 years.

• He achieved more notoriety and adoration in his very short stay at Princes Park than two South Australian heroes (Kernahan and Bradley) did in over a decade – that takes some doing.

• Like other great cult figures, he provoked constant speculation and controversy off the field as well. Before he joined the VFL the football world was rife with rumours of when he would cross the Nullabor. After he returned West in ‘83, rumours were rife for years that he would make a comeback. The comeback talk that gripped the VFL for the rest of the 1980s was a testament to both his amazing charisma as one of the most loved cult figures of his time, as well as his genius in being able to so easily mess with the minds of the pea-brained football media (a bit like the way Kevin Sheedy teases Richmond supporters and media airheads year after year by entertaining their rumours that he will coach the Tiges, and now Leigh Matthews following suit with gullible Hamster supporters).

His only shortcoming was that he wasn’t South Australian, although there is a rumour that his grandfather was born in Adelaide, so that’s enough for us.

"Bosustow! - Mark of the Year!"

 

Hero of the Week – Rising star Shane Tuck stood up when it counted most when he turned the game for the Tiges with 3 goals in 5 minutes in the third quarter against the Dons. Despite his young age, Tuck shows strength and courage beyond his years. This once again brings into focus some of the notorious “decision” making of the Hawthorn administration which, of course, had first crack at the son of the club’s favourite son yet amazingly gave him the cold shoulder. The football world is familiar with the qualities of Shane’s old man, Father Time, but not everyone would be aware of the background of his mother, a certain Fay Ablett, sister of The Great Man. If Shane Tuck was horseflesh, he would be priceless with a bloodline such as that, yet Hawthorn chose to send him to the glue factory rather than give him a run. After being spurned by the Hawks, Tuck jnr spent last year building up his skills in the SANFL, the toughest league in the world, so it’s no wonder he’s turned out so good this year.

 

Cult Figure of the Week – Chris Johnson was simply magnificent on Saturday night against the Pies. Once maligned at Fitzroy for being too intent on indulging in razzle dazzle and LWA, Matthews has groomed the young Victorian into a tough, hard-running, skilful half-back, fully deserving his place in the pantheon of greats who have played this position (Gary Ayres, Guy McKenna, John Worsfold just to name a handful). However, at the tail end of the second half, Johnno spoilt all of us with some Carmanesque lairising. After winning the ball for the umpteenth time in the back pocket, Johnson became the springboard for yet another Lions attack. In another precise and athletic move, Johnson ran the entire length of the ground and received the ball 25m out on a 45 degree angle, after a short pass from long-time teammate Darryl White. (who as we all know, is to football showboating as Johnny Carson is to late night variety shows) At first, Johnson, wary of the angle, made to play on, but then stopped himself once he realised Tarkyn Lockyer possibly had him covered. Umpire (rightly, for a change) calls play on. Johnson, however, doesn’t panic, casually baulking the Pie vice-captain. Along comes Bucks to aid his fellow blonde teammate, only to find himself fall helpless victim to another classic Johnson side-step. To put the triple chocolate icing on the veritable jumbo Black Forest cake of razzle dazzle on offer at the reinstated Gabbatoir, Johnson, instead of following the textbook and straightening up in front of goal, treated us to the football equivalent of a gratuitous Denilson nutmeg: an exquisite mini-checkside form point blank range. Ah Queensland – beautiful one day, lair perfection the next.

 

Clanger of the Week – Tony Shaw is rumoured to be irate at Gerard “The Physiotherapist” Healy’s concerted push for Clanger of the Year, after Gerard suggested during the week on his controversial prime time 3AW radio programme that West Coast should play Chris Judd as a tagger on Jonathan Brown in the “match of the year” this weekend. Gerard is also rumoured to believe that a $20 Little Bourke Street Chinese massage (with happy ending) constitutes world best practice physiotherapy.