Round 12, 2005

 

 

On Friday night, the predictable self-styled “football experts” were feting the Bombers as ‘brave’, ‘gallant’ and ‘gutsy’ after losing by 24 points to Porn United. Like a giraffe wearing a tutu, utterly ridiculous, given that the weather conditions were more Cyclone Tracey than Fremantle Doctor. This had the effect of obscuring the reality that it was a game between the fastest and slowest sides in the league, as each was reduced to the speed of the proverbial Brendan Fevola contract negotiation. Despite the deluge, the Eagle Porn Stars still managed to amass 106 points against what is a patently feeble Essendon side. Heaven knows what the potential cricket score may have been had it been dry (Port probably have a fairly good idea). 

 

Applause to Sheeds post-match for not taking the media conference faint praise and bait, making it clear enough (without ruthlessly bucketing his team) that he was still unhappy that the Dons had faded out again in the last quarter.  On the other hand, Porn United showed they were definitely up for some impromptu skinny-dipping and mud wrestling antics, with Daniel ‘Big Wayne’ Kerr, the Studd, Corleone and Daniel ‘Bangs’ Chick all getting down and dirty in the mud. All that was missing really were some busty, 6-foot blondes in very tight, very transparent t-shirts.

 

This week Geelong had the luckiest escape since Mary and Joseph got that tip-off about King Herod. They kicked five goals in the first quarter, then 4 goals in a five minute purple patch at the end of the third, but failed to score a goal for the rest of the game.

 

As if inspired by Alistair Clarkson’s inarticulate defence of hamster football on the Footy Show during the week, Geelong – with the very notable exception of M. Scarlett (see below) - did their best to emulate his style of game, with more sideways movements than a herd of migrating mud crabs. So bad did it become that Geelong even abandoned the pretence of having a forward line in the last quarter, as Kingsley and Ottens went walkabout in the midfield. A dozen sheep could have grazed undisturbed in Geelong’s forward 50 in the last 15 minutes, such was the level of activity.

 

For those, such as footballinvective.com who had previously subscribed to the school of thought that Brad Ottens’ poor winter form in the past 3 years was attributable to his presence at the Jenny Craig motivation loss clinic that is Tigerland, two words sum up what you now must do: Think Again. Big Brad put in a vintage display of DOBM football at full forward, and played with all the confidence of Greg Norman in the last hole of a play-off.

 

Seven days after being rightly lauded for kicking 24 goals in a “running, attacking style of play”, the Crows turned hamster as well, becoming only the third team in history to have more handballs than  kicks in a game. Whilst Geelong spent the game acting as if the goals ran East-West instead of North South, the Crows were equally disoriented, and were seemingly preoccupied with notching up more possessions than Imelda Marcos, whilst gaining as much ground as the Western Front in 1916. The entire game yielded 724 possessions for a grand total of 17 goals. That such a game of anti-football was played at a venue called “Skilled Stadium” is an inappropriate as Michael Jackson putting on a charity concert to raise money for Bravehearts.

 

 

TigerWatch, Week 12:

 

Up the Geelong Road on Sunday, however, another crunch game between two finals’ aspirants desperate to avoid F.U.A.M.W generated a little more interest and enthusiasm, although the first two quarters were borderline shambolic, as the Tiges’ dominance in midfield amounted for nought. Like Mary Pierce in a crunch game with a never-satisfied daddy hurling abuse at her from the sidelines in a bizarre display of love and affection, the Tiger’s midfield - with the unbearable pressure of 30,000 feral, psychotic supporters placed upon them - produced unforced error after unforced error, negating whatever advantage they may otherwise have had. Whilst it is unfair to single out any one individual, the cuddly, kind, politically correct “The Age” did exactly that, with this brutal assessment of one particular passage of play:

Pressure was mounting on experienced midfielder Greg Tivendale, who made a number of bad decisions, including the startling move to play on and try to take on three Kangaroos instead of having a set shot in the second quarter. "That just kills you," Wallace said of skill errors, adding he had spoken to Tivendale about his poor decision-making. "When you make poor decisions in a game of football it actually erodes the fabric of the group and he knows and understands exactly his responsibilities as do the other blokes," he said.

In another otherwise soporific first half, Glenn Archer’s incredible (and legitimate) shirtfront on Chris Newman in the goal square, directly resulting in a Daniel Harris goal, was undoubtedly one of the highlights of a season marred by the AFL’s obsession with stamping out physical toughness on the football field (of course, whilst tacitly approving the practices of the Glenferrie Modelling Studio off it).

 

After half time at Colon, North supporters were fretting early on, helplessly looking on as momentary Shinboners Shitscared gave the Tiges two quick goals and the lead. What emerged thereafter was some of the finest Bollinger ’77 champagne football seen THIS SEASON, by any side. The highlights, and (mercilessly), some Punt Road lowlights, after half-time, included the following:

 

1.  Some legendary 1980s/1990s Arden Street style forward line one grab marking in the best traditions of Roy Ramsay, John McCarthy, Blighty, the Horse and the Duck. Laidley’s DOBM of the Week, Nathan Thompson, went beyond blue and pulled in a couple of contested beauties on top of Darren Gaspar, who (along with the Geelong match committee since Round 9) must be laughing every time he gets that fat weekly pay cheque from his employers. The Tiger Board is rumoured to be intensively lobbying the Federal Government for new unfair dismissal legislation to be rammed through the Senate as a matter of priority. This would finally give the much-maligned board the window of opportunity to dispense with Gaspar, the Luke Hodge of full backs, another overrated number 1 draft pick living off the glory of his place in the pecking order of 17 year olds who hadn’t even grown out of nappies yet.

2.  As for Thommo, like Ottens’ Hero of the Week nomination for Round 5, and Scott Lucas’s entire career, he is proof that any DOBM is capable of a single BOG performance for the season.

3.  The General Leigh enjoyed a creditable performance on a misfiring Terrance, who clearly misses the classic toilet humour served up week to week by Phillip. More importantly however, some crucial General Leigh interventions in the third quarter swung the momentum back his team’s way. Firstly, the General Leigh, in true lair fashion, dragged off Richo as if he were a wheezy, asthmatic Rosco P. Coltrane squad car, sprinting 100m down the ground and gratefully accepting a Shannon Grant short pass 30m out from goal. Needless to say, the General converted with casual aplomb. However, not two minutes later, the General Leigh pounced on the laughable aforementioned Greg Tivendale decision-making (not unlike a certain rotund Western Australian when dealing with tax cuts for ALL Australians) to launch another successful Roo counter-attack.

4.  Brent Le Cras’ first goal in league football, a 65m drop punt that buried the Tiges in the third quarter – just when Roo fans thought the Bollinger had started to run out, Brent opened up a whole case of Dom ’75 football for all to enjoy.

5.  Richmond has always been a hot bed for LWA, but supporters would have been hopeful that Plow’s reign would have put an end to that. Those two words once more: Think Again. Step forward to the stand a) Greg Tivendale (a serial offender); b) Brett Deledio with that one handed attempt to mark a kick-in 30m out from his defensive goal in the second quarter, leading directly to a Shagger goal (should be warned of the dangers of contracting H.F.P.S. – Hack First Pick Syndrome; Anthony Banik, Stephen Hooper and Alex McDonald are thought to be the most extreme clinical examples, others with less virulent strains include Luke Hodge, Darren Gaspar, Andrew Walker); c) Mark Chaffey – like Ben Graham, just because he has a long kick, doesn’t mean he is a good kick.

6.  Mark Graham is living proof that the Hawthorn football department can, very occasionally, get it very right.

7.  Frenzied Richmond supporters on Sunday, in a classic example of manic scapegoating in a time of crisis, decreed that the AFL’s appointment of embittered ex-coach and F.R.C.S sufferer Jeff Gieschen to Director of Umpiring amounted to a league-wide conspiracy to forever crucify not only the Tiges, but more specifically, Richo as well. Richmond supporters, however, are nothing if not consistent, as ex-coach and present Channel Ten identity Robert Walls has been ritually vilified by the Punt Road faithful for his alleged role in the devious Carlton plot (codenamed Wallsgate) to bring the Tiges to their knees after the success enjoyed in 1995. (Conspiracy or not, it nonetheless had the desired effect.)

8.  Shane Tuck became the indirect target of post-match Tiger bile on the airwaves, with one caller declaring that Daniel Harris is the in-and-under player the Tigers lack. After almost 290 games with the Tiges, Wayne Campbell must be either the world’s most loyal professional sportsman or the ultimate masochist, as yet more passionate Tiger supporters vented their spleen on 3AW after what they perceived as another below-par performance from the ex-skipper.

 

Thanks to a good ol-fashioned dose of Richmond, well, being Richmond, unrest amongst the masses at Arden Street was averted this week, and the promised Roo Revolution temporarily has been placed on the backburner. The Junkyard Mutt, against all footballinvective.com predictions of carnage, managed to avoid becoming the latest special of the day at the ‘Seoul House’ Restaurant. Ominously at Punt Road however, the turning clock is ticking. Lest anyone need reminding of what soon awaits, The Age left us all in no doubt this week, with the following history lesson:

 

TIGERS JUNE HOODOO

 

2002

June 1 (R10) LOST to W Bulldogs

June 7 (R11) LOST to Kangaroos

June 23 (R12) LOST to P Adelaide

June 29 (R14) LOST to Geelong

 

2003

June 6 (R11) LOST to Kangaroos

June 14 (R12) LOST to Carlton

June 28 (R13) LOST to Brisbane

 

2004

June 5 (R11) LOST to Kangaroos

June 13 (R12) LOST to Fremantle

June 19 (R13) LOST to Carlton

 

2005

June 4 (R11) LOST to West Coast

June 12 (R12) LOST  to Kangaroos

June 18 (R13) v Adelaide

July 2 (R14) - THEY TURN

 

In other burning football news this week:

 

1. Dominic Cassisi has become the new lair-designate at Port. After enjoying premiership success last season as the ultimate coach’s man, Cassisi has displayed a rare taste for SA exuberance. He backed up his casual final quarter razzle dazzle against the Roos in Round 7 with a riotous left foot snap against the Dogs on the siren to seal a tough Port win, putting them back in finals contention. Moreover, Port’s eight-goal third quarter was choc (pardon the pun) full of the qualities that will always set SA football apart, a grand performance from the ‘Six Million Dollar Man’ Josh Francou (we can rebuild him better than before) and with Pickett back in Smithie form, this game will be a real potential turning point for the season. History provides us with precedents here, and Chocko should look forward to the rest of the season with relish. In World War II, Russia copped some massive floggings, before Zhukov masterminded that brilliant victory at the Battle of Stalingrad in 1942. In the post-battle debrief, Joe Stalin was widely reported to have told advisers (the ones that were left anyway): “We’ve turned the corner. It can only get better from here.”

2. Denis Pagan managed to crawl out of that Swamp, barely clinging to live another week, only to be set upon by a ferocious pride of 22 Lions. Jonathan Brown, meanwhile, is still scraping the last remaining pieces of the Carlton midfield from the soles of his boots.

3. Collingwood’s finals’ hopes received a massive boost with news Rhys Shaw was ruled out for the season. The football department cannot work out what will impact more: the return of Bucks, or Shaw nursing his injured knee.

4. Brisbane and Port Adelaide are now finally knocking on the door of the Eight. Given that North Melbourne and Richmond are still above them, it cannot be long before that door is flung wide open.

5. Where is Angry Docker Fan brooding? At Gerard Neesham’s joint, perhaps? Earth to Angry Docker Fan? We’re losing you, Angry Docker Fan. Come in, Angry Docker Fan… 

 

Hero of the Week: M. Scarlett put in the greatest one man defensive performance since Oliver Kahn single-handedly kept Germany in the 2002 World Cup. The great full back kept both Ken McGregor and the Blonde Mullet (who like Samson, seems to have lost his power since he cut it short) out of the game. The Mullet was not only kept goal-less, but also without even a single possession in the first three quarter (which just goes to show that brain really does beat brawn). Son of a gunner also had a lazy 14 marks and 30 possessions himself. To paraphrase Winston Churchill, never before have so many owed so much to one man.

 

Cult figure of the Week: Glenn Archer - the Shinboner of the Century showed the Tiges why on Sunday, and is in near career-best form.

 

Clanger of the Week: The judging panel was given another no-brainer of a decision this week as Tony Shaw once again won the nomination by a country mile. Now that his creditable playing days are but a distant memory, Shaw is no doubt concerned that he risks being remembered for his coaching record. Not surprisingly, he is keen to draw attention to himself for other reasons, and has been turning on the afterburners in a concerted assault on the coveted prize of Clanger of the Year. This week’s effort was Mr Shaw’s claim that lachrymose St Kilda journeyman Max Hudgton was in fact the best full back in the league. Unfortunately, Shaw demonstrated the worst timing since Romeo committed suicide just before Juliet woke up, as barely three days later Scarlett put in the greatest full back performance of the decade.

 

Clang!

 

Matthew Scarlett is to Max Hudgton what Robert Menzies is to Billy McMahon, what Viv Richards is to Daryl Cullinan, what Shane Warne is to Phil Tuffnel. End of story. No questions asked.

Scarlett: Hero.