Round 11, 2005

 

 

To lovers of South Australian football who are disappointed by Port Adelaide’s ordinary performance this year – do not despair, for the Crows are stepping into the breach more than adequately.

 

As the AFL web site put it in a classic understatement: “Adelaide has rediscovered the best features of its running, attacking style of play to outclass and embarrass Essendon by 88 points - 24.7 (151) to 9.9 (63) - in a stunningly lopsided spectacle in front of a roaring crowd of 43,486 at AAMI Stadium on Saturday night.”

 

Clearly, a “running, attacking style of play” is the South Australian way, and the Crows once again on Saturday night proved the age-old football adage, namely: South Australia’s best is THE best. So good did the Crows look (taking 23 contested marks inside 50 – 22 more than average) that even Ken McGregor is now being spoken of as ‘The Answer’.

 

The Crows not sit pretty at third on the ladder – higher than Geelong – and face the Cats at Unskilled this Sunday, in what looms as a capital-C Crunch Game for the cross-dressers from Sleepy Hollow.

 

In light of another lifeless Essendon performance, the following email arrived in the Inbox this week from a disgruntled bomber fan:

 

 ----- Original Message -----

From: "BJ”

To: footballinvectice.com

Sent: Monday, June 06, 2005 10:16 PM

Subject: Re: Round 10 Invective

 

While I always enjoy my weekly dose of invective, I can't help but notice that my Bombers seldom get a mention.  Certainly they have done little to deserve a mention of late, but surely the criteria for discussion in the invective is not merit-you talk about Richmond, Colbert and Collingwood every week.

 

BJ

 

 

Well, who are we to let the man down? It’s time to make some big statements about Essendon, namely:

 

For 25 years the football world has lived in hope that it will eventually bear witness to an ordinary Essendon side coached by the wily master Kevin Sheedy. Well world, the waiting is over. Crud at Essendon has well-and-truly arrived. Or, as I prefer to neatly paraphrase: Is Don. Is Crud.  

 

The Dons on Saturday night again faded out even worse than the 1976 Trabant (complete with deluxe cardboard brakes) we likened them to in the pre-season.

 

Matty Lloyd again went AWOL in a crunch game, and was rumoured to have missed the game because he had to give a guest lecture on rocket science at the University of Adelaide. Scotty Lucas’s one good game for the season has come and gone, (see Round 2) so Sheeds knows that it’s curtains for the boy from Camperdown this season. When Seedy also factors in the virulent LWA that has swept through the club quicker than ebola in a Kinshasa shanty (Cupido, Rioli, Lovitt-Murray, Murphy – guilty, your worship) he surely realizes that he has a considerable task on his hands dealing with all the carnage. 

 

Despite the Don feebleness though, Sheeds has still displayed a sense of coaching maturity throughout, and that experience will see him through this tough patch in his footballing history. He can rest assured that talent in a playing group is what sees it through a crisis – after all, Don fans can take solace in the fact that Jobe Watson is still making that fortnightly trip up the Calder for his football fix.

 

Paul Thomas was a stand-out for the Dons on the weekend, and took until halfway through the third quarter to manage a single possession. Its amazing to believe that this man is the reigning Magarey medallist. Before any unkind Victorian readers jump to the ill-conceived conclusion that this must mean that the Magarey medal is a devalued award and not the ultimate individual prize in football, it should be pointed out that even the Magarey, as prestigious and as coveted as it is, can throw up a Brian Wilson type unlikely winner from time to time. The Crows, being attuned to all the nuances of South Australian culture, were obviously aware of this and delisted the boy before he even played a senior game.

 

Manuka Oval, the Roos’ home away from home, turned into something akin to a lost dogs’ home on Sunday, as the Junkyard Mutt appeared completely lost for the entire match. Having observed his tactical nous from close range behind the goals at the Kingston end on Sunday, the Mutt’s subtle 3-part game plan can now be revealed to readers:

 

Plan A: Park DOBM Sav Rocca at full forward. If that fails try:

Plan B: Park DOBM Nathan Thompson at full forward. If that fails try:

Plan C: Park DOBM David Hale at full forward. If that fails, repeat Plan A

 

The demise of Princess Park two weeks ago had many football traditionalists lamenting that old-style grounds were now extinct in the AFL. However, if they look further afield than metropolitan Melbourne, they will find solace. The facilities, cuisine and atmosphere on offer at Manuka and Launceston on the weekend are proof that traditional football grounds still exist at the elite level. For example, Manuka Oval proudly features a grassed standing room embankment covering the entire outer wing, serves beer in cans and has not a single spiv box, with any corporate types having to make do with only the crappy wooden partitions between seats in the Bob Hawke and Robert Menzies Stands.

 

Launceston also has its share of olde world charm, with tin roof stands behind the goals and plenty of uncovered seating and standing room exposed to the full force of the Tasmanian elements. With the Dogs and Blues set to venture forth to Darwin in Round 13, the Marrara ground, with its magnificent grassed outer covering three-quarters of the ground, can also be added to this list.

 

At the actual match in Launceston on the weekend, young lair Andrew McQualter showed potential for the Saints, but most importantly, the 18 year-old revived a Golden Era in football by taking to the field with a fully-fledged moustache. Footballinvective.com stands to be corrected, but understands this was the first occasion that this has occurred since David Cloke played his last game in Round 22, 1990 (Adrian McAdam’s and Michael Long’s pissweak attempts do not count).

 

McQualter’s glorious addition brought back memories of a by-gone age in football, The Age of Tash (see related story).

 

TigerWatch, Week 11: Faced with the prospect of no Phillip for the rest of the season, Plow urged Terrance to take full control of the Terrance and Phillip show’s creative licence. Plow even created a new, suitably blonde character for the show, to be employed on a semi-permanent basis, namely Kayne, so Terrance wouldn’t feel so daunted with the challenge. The Terrance and Kayne Show got off to a shaky start against the Hugh Hefner All-Stars on Saturday, but Kayne soon got the hang of it, chiming in with three goals of his own in the second half. With eight between them, Terrance and Kayne found a lot of tweasure.

 

Unfortunately, the Terrance and Kayne pilot was not a complete success – a rival Phillip upstaged them. Matera emerged with five of his own in his best game for the year, whilst the Juddernaut turned on the razzle dazzle with a casual final quarter checkside goal when the chips were down, leaving every one at the MCG in no doubt that P*rn United are still putting on the best show in town this year, and that adult entertainment beats kids cartoons any day.

 

However, now that Brownie is gone, Richmond can return to what it does best, by having all its fans and players put the responsibility for carrying the team solely back onto Richo’s shoulders. This is likely to once again prompt furious debate amongst Tiger fans as to the reasons for Richmond’s perennial history of under-achievement. I once sat in the middle of a large group of Tiger fans as their team got flogged by Collingwood in the 2003 season and bore witness to one such debate. From this vigorous exchange of views by “the most passionate brand of supporters in the league”, I was left with the conclusion that three schools of thought have arisen amongst Richmond supporters to explain their team’s demise. All three of these theories were actually aired on the night in question, and at the risk of oversimplifying such a complex matter as the psychological make-up of Tiger fans, hereby paraphrase them as follows:

 

School of Thought 1: “Richmond are sh*t because Richo doesn’t play for the team, only for himself”

School of Thought 2: “Richmond are sh*t because the rest of the team don’t kick it to Richo.”

School of Thought 3: “Richmond are sh*t because the umpires are always crucifying Richo.”

 

As clarified in last week’s invective, Phillip’s injury problems have necessitated a winding back of the Tigerland turning clock back to Round 1. The Eagles game of Round 11 now counts as round 1. Writers at footballinvective.com, like Nostradamus on too much LSD, conceptualised these prescient and foreboding prophecies with regards to Richmond:

 

Round 1: Creditable loss to a highly rated side. (read P*rn United) Media describes them as ‘promising’ (…in the face of Brownie’s demise)

 

Round 2: 90 point win over Hawthorn (read North Melbourne) with the enigmatic Richo kicking 9 goals on a ‘Queer Eye’ cast member (read Shannon Watt) has Tiger fans in a state of mania and setting up camp at Tickemaster outlets throughout Melbourne to ensure they don’t miss out come Grand Final day. Tiger fans embrace Wallace as a ‘real Richmond man’ on the basis of his one season at Punt Rd in 1987.

 

Like an unfortunate naïve puppy dog wandering aimlessly down a dark alley at the rear of a South Korean take-away joint, the Mutt is blissfully unaware of the impending tragedy that is about to befall him.

 

In other significant news this week:

 

1. Chocko has also turned his hand to stage productions, this time with a silver teal portrayal of ‘The Rocky Horror Show.’ All season Port have been doing the 2004 time warp AGAIN, but only put on their show when they play top sides from last year. This season they have been at their best and beaten the Lions and the Saints, with an honourable loss to the Cats attributable to the worst umpiring decision at Moron Park since Colbert’s mark was disallowed in 1997, and some flagrant Ottens overachievement.

2. It has been hotly tipped that Louis Vuitton, world famous producers of ladies fashion accessories, has expressed renewed interest in basing its Asia-Pacific operations in Geelong. Executives at the marquee fashion house were reportedly cool on instituting the plan last season, but in the last two weeks have foreseen an old market re-emerging.

3. Alan Didak, the man Eddie and Malthouse wouldn’t trade for Stevens, finally showed the football world why for the second week running. Didak and the Carringbush took advantage of more Kent Kingsley kicking for goal, which in recent weeks has been as straight as George Michael in a quiet public toilet.

4. Denis Pagan fell into a Swamp out near the Docklands somewhere – no party was gathered for even a cursory search.

5. At Subiaco on Saturday night, Angry Docker Fan pulled his head in once more, as Jonathan Brown’s quest for world domination gained momentum.

6. Grant Thomas – the hunter now becomes the hunted, after another Cascade light (read pissweak) performance from the Sainters across Bass Strait. A St. Kilda board of directors is like a vampire - without some voracious bloodletting from a helpless victim from time to time, its sense of self rapidly diminishes. And its appetite is slowly, inexorably growing.

7. The Glenferrie Sheltered Workshop clashed with the Braybrook Centrelink Queue – needless to say, it was a ‘special’ game.

 

Hero of the Week: Phillip Matera – for upstaging Phillip.

 

Cult figure of the Week: Andrew McQualter – the man who brought back the Tash.

 

Clanger of the Week: This week’s award is a retrospective clanger, as the incident took place during Round 9. However, given that it was only brought to our attention this week, and given that no acts of stupidity in the past 7 days could even hope to come close to it, the award goes to parochial SA sports commentator and former Port legend Bruce Abernathy. During his call of the Port-Essendon game, Abernathy took issue with some unfavourable umpiring decisions and made the following on-air retort (identities have been concealed to protect the innocent):

“Gosh, that umpire will be lucky to get out of here alive tonight. And by the way, Power fans, his name is *****   ***** and he drives a white Commodore, registration number *** ***, which he parks on the western side of the ground.”

Isn’t it marvelous to see that some Port fans still adhere to the club’s traditional attitudes with regard to social responsibility and lynch mobs. Abernathy is keeping the dream alive for all those Port true believers. Football just wouldn’t be the same without them.