Round 10, 2005

 

 

The more things change, the more they stay the same – Exhibit A: Geelong lost a capital D ‘Danger Game’ on the weekend. All the ingredients were there – the Cats were coasting, with write ups during the week of premiership favouritism, and up against some enigmatic under-achievers in a game everyone expected them to win. In every good season the Cats have had since 1989, they’ve never had a really great season, in which they’ve maintained their intensity and not dropped at least a couple of games they should have won. Even in their best years they lost at least 6 games during the season. Just as they could never go the whole distance to win a Grand Final, they have similarly never gone the whole distance to have a home and away season free of embarrassing blemishes.

 

When all these factors are taken into account, it was inevitable that the Cats would lose on the weekend. Anyone who calls this result an “upset” clearly has no knowledge whatsoever of the modern history of the Geelong Football Club. But if bad kicking is bad football, the Cats again pleaded no contest. Pretty Boy Kingsley, whose conversion rate in front of goal is about as high as Bazza McKenzie’s in the bedroom, squibbed an absolute gimme of a set shot 20 metres out directly in front. Later on Ottens also blew a perfectly gettable chance in the dying minutes forty metres out on a one degree angle that would have given Geelong the lead. With a typically pleasant Geelong afternoon breeze behind him (ie. a force 10 gale blowing in from the aptly named ‘pleurisy plains’ of the Western district), it was the sort of shot that Billy Brainless or The Great Man would have roosted over a 20 storey wheat silo and halfway back to Lara.

 

Brisbane lost their fifth straight match at the Gabbatoir, a venue which seemingly no longer holds any fear for southerners.

 

Season 2005 has now seen a return to the days of the late ‘80s and early ‘90s when teams looked forward with glee to the weekend trip to Queensland, which could always be relied on to provide them with a guaranteed four points on a silver platter, with a free suntan thrown in.

 

It’s always desperate times for a coach when he speaks volumes of his players’ character and gallantry, in spite of another insipid defeat. There were never such desperate times at North Melbourne circa 1993-2002. The North Melbourne edition of Pagan, complete with 54 under-19 and 2 senior premierships, was a strict disciple of the Jeans adage: “Success requires no explanation, defeat accepts no alibi”. The Carlton version of Pagan however, much like a south Sudanese farmer - lives in desperate times and surely is fighting for his very survival. Early in the game on Sunday the Home of Football (ie Moron Park) bore witness to three quarters of the awful ugly Carlton scragger football, the same king that extinguished the light of Shinboner Spirit at The Abomination. However, all Crows players, nay, all South Australians, comprehended the gravity of their divine responsibility to bringing free-flowing football and ZTT to the world, and did not disappoint after three-quarter time. The masses are eternally grateful to Neil Craig (and Scott Welsh) for what they did for the Crows in the last quarter on Sunday, a similar responsibility found too great by Dean Laidley in Round 16 last season.

 

Wayne Brittain must be sitting at home in complete bemusement at the events transpiring at Princes Park over the past three seasons. After inheriting an assortment of ailing nursing home gomers and untalented runts (and leaving David Parkin’s foresighted recruiting policies looking like teflon in the process) Brittain was dismissed after the club had won their first mahogany ladle and given Corey his first B&F and ‘Get out of jail free’ card. Pagan meanwhile has had three seasons to make the changes to playing staff he wanted (if only I got a dollar every time I heard a Carlton supporter whinge about Daniel Wells and draft picks).

 

Despite this significant cull, Carlton is still odds-on favourites to win another spoon. Perhaps the club owes Brittain an apology, and reinstatement as head coach – at least the Brittain brand of mediocrity came cheap (Brittain was on peanuts compared to Pagan’s riches), and at least the club board could point to Brittain’s efforts in taking Carlton to the second week of the 2001 finals, their last-ever finals series. Like Marty McFly and the Doc, Collo needs to go ‘Back to the Future’ and make amends with Brittain and the past. Pagan, like Biff Tannen, would be better served buffing executive Toorak tractors in the Optus Oval car park for a meagre, yet honest, living.

 

Port vice-captain Warren Tredrea issued a stern warning to the Larry Flynt Love Machine in the pre-match build up, claiming that his side was prepared to throw down the gauntlet to the premiership heir apparent. On Sunday however, the Eagle players patently misunderstood the threat, or perhaps they were simply too busy oiling themselves up and practicing their lines prior to the real action beginning at the Playboy Mansion, to really give a damn about such idle threats anyway. With Chris Studd returning to his widely acclaimed lead role, Fox Fornicatorium viewers were treated to some of the hottest, live close-in action of the season from P*rn United. Perhaps the Power, still heavily indulging in 2004 premiership tequilas, were simply oblivious or apathetic to the 20 goal hiding to which it was being mercilessly subjected. On the other hand, Port novice Ben Eckermann was brought rapidly up to speed with occupational health and safety in the adult entertainment industry after copping a full-frontal blow from ‘Iron Mike’ Tyson Stenglein. The AFL tribunal ruled that such incidents were too graphic and visually confronting for viewers; thus Stenglein will be cooling his loins next week.

 

However, it wasn’t all good news at the ‘House of Pleasure and Pain. Michael ‘Goodfella’ Gardiner looked like he’d gone one too many rounds with Joe Pesci, kneecapping himself in the process. That the appropriately named, and equipped, Dean ‘Goliath’ Cox has supplanted Gardiner as number 1 ruck is good news for P*rn United, who, in any event, prefer to make love, not war.

 

Port fans, after 8 months of basking Premiership glory, have decided to snap out of their apathy and return to their roots this week. News from Alberton suggested that it may be time to use the T-word, and declare that They’ve Turned. If this email missive from a disgruntled fan is any indication, the football world can look forward to a return to the Port fans of old: 

 

-----Original Message-----

From: Martin F

Sent: Monday, 30 May 2005 1:13 PM

To: Port Adelaide FC

Subject: RE:

 

 

To whom it may concern:

 

In all my time as a supporter and member of the once-proud Port Adelaide FC, I have never witnessed a display as insipid, cowardly, shameful, spineless, and embarrassing as the one i had the misfortune to witness yesterday. The Subiaco fiasco is a blight on the character of each and every person involved on match day and behind the scenes - players, trainers and coaching staff and board. These are people charged with the responsibility - a large one it is, granted - of upholding the principles built up at the club over the course of one hundred and thirty five years and until now has been upheld. Integrity, honour, sacrifice, courage, effort, skill, endeavour, determination, pride and passion are not merely catchphrases, they are the rocks - the very cornerstones - this club was built on. The fact that not a single one of these traits was displayed by anyone associated with the club is a damning indictment on the current group of people representing PAFC. The players are unfit, unmotivated, lazy, easily intimidated and unwilling to back in their mates. They give away stupid free kicks, they play for the easy possession, and do not put their bodies on the line to help the team. These have traditionally been the marks of players playing against Port Adelaide, not for it. The blame is not solely the players', however. The coaching is defensive, unimaginative and inflexible. Poor performances have not been punished, bad habits have not been corrected. The game plan has been exposed and countered, and no alternatives have been generated as a result. Skill levels are down, desire is lacking. Similarly, personnel decisions in recent times have been notable only for their disastrous consequences. The team is clearly unfit - as evidenced by the barrage of time-on goals conceded in most quarters of matches this year. The buck must stop with the fitness trainer. Andrew Russell is clearly a bigger loss than anticipated. Much worse than this is the shambolic decision to appoint Tony McGuinness - a person from outside the football club - as the forward line coach. He has been given the privilege of coaching the most dangerous forward line in the AFL, a forward line full of talented players among the best in their position in the AFL who led the league in almost any measure of forward line performance. He has succeeded only in turning this group into the most impotent, one dimensional, easily defensed and ineffective groups in the competition. Further to this decision to bring in people form outside the club, the choices of Mark Mickan as ruck coach and Peter Rohde as Football Ops manager are decisions that that should never have been made. These are people who clearly do not have that crucial quality that separates Port Adelaide people from the rest - the innate knowledge of how to win. This can be seen by their records in previous positions. Granted, their CVs may read well but there is one crucial word which you will not find on any of them. That word is premiership. If you employ losers - you breed a culture of mediocrity. This is a cancer which has never before afflicted before this club and should be cut out before further damage is done. In contrast, there area host of people who are well versed in the culture of premierships, in the culture of Port Adelaide who despite their service to the SANFL club not been given the chance to influence the AFL version. Where are the Delaneys, Smiths and Fiacchis? The Phillips? These are the names of people who understand the history and character of Port Adelaide and will not tolerate failure and make no mistake, yesterday was a failure in every sense of the word. As glorious as last season was, this season has been as disgraceful. I will not stand for it and neither should anyone associated with the club. Every single person should be put on notice and made aware that this will not be allowed to pass without recrimination. In short - this must never happen again.

 

Martin F.

 

 

TigerWatch, Week 10: 

 

The curse has struck – the footballinvective.com kiss of death has claimed its first victim for season 2005. Just as soon as we started to pump up the Tiges, they suffered two horrific blows – getting rolled to the tune of 10 goals by fairies, and losing Dr Pink an a horrific mishap that left him looking more like a Cambodian land mine victim than a goal-kicking gay icon.

 

Tragically for all lovers of football razzle-dazzle and juvenile anal humour, the AFL’s equivalent of the Terrance and Philip show (Richo and Brownie) has been banished from the airwaves for the rest of the year. Kind of like that episode where Kyle’s mum went on a censorship crusade and denied the pleasure of seeing the two Canadian ass bandits to the good folk of South Park. It was as if Evil Scott had succeeded in wishing cancer upon them, or Ugly Bob had popped a paper bag over his own head to trick Celine Dion into sleeping with him – although Philip’s fate was arguably even worse (below).

 

 

The Tigers are now in dangerous territory – adrift without their major star, and in that dangerous period of the year where there always struggle, ie Rounds 10-22. Despite his ridiculous propensity for quoting the most pointless of inane statistics, Eddie at last came up with a very telling one during the telecast on Friday, pointing out that during the last 3 years the Tiges have won a grand total of 4 games after Round 9.

 

As the Tiges now enter their annual danger zone psychologically shattered, we hereby revise our pre-season prediction. This was, of course, a prediction that their fans would turn after four rounds. Given the fate that befell them on the weekend, we hereby re-set the Richmond turning clock to zero. It is now counting down and will go off in exactly another four rounds. In the next four weeks, Richmond face the Eagles, Roos, Crows and Swans, all in Melbourne (what is it about Richmond and not traveling interstate this year?) We predict that they will turn after a particularly disheartening performance against the Swans, who will drown the hapless Tiges in the swamp on a sodden MCG on a miserable July afternoon in Round 14. Coincidentally, Round 14 this year has been designated the “family round” by the AFL. We predict that the Tiger Army will strongly resemble the Manson family on this particular day.

 

 

Hero of the week: All hail John ‘Sam’ Newman, for having the guts and wherewithal to denigrate and pour scorn on the policies of the Glenferrie Sheltered Workshop on Triple M radio during the Saturday call. One of the original champions of the working class lair, Sam slammed the Dawk football department for allowing such a ridiculous, pleasure-destroying possession game to be instituted, even labeling the side as ‘Hawthorn Hamsters’ (maybe ‘gerbils’ would have been even more appropriate). Never one to take a backward step, Sam backed up these superlative comments on ‘The Footy Show’ on Thursday night, even awarding WOG (worst on ground) votes to Shane Crawford (31 possessions – 1 vote), Luke Hodge (32 possessions – 2 votes) and Sam Mitchell (39 possessions – 3 votes), for their boring, over-possessing ways. Thank God for Sam Newman, a voice of clarity and reason amongst all the Mike Sheahans, Rohan Connollys and Caros of this world. 

 

Cult hero of the week: Seven good reasons why Adelaide’s Scott Welsh is this week’s selection for cult hero-

1. He sports a blonde mullet. (albeit re-fashioned)

2. He plays out of the Crow goalsquare.

3. His last quarter CAMEO was quintessential SA lair, as the Mullet stirred from hibernation, like a Kodiak bear after an Alaskan winter, and emerge as the tantalizing, showboating match-winner, a role any true lair would revel in.

4. He consigned Carlton to their rightful position on the AFL ladder.

5. He helped the Crows avenge last season’s fadeout against the Blues at Footy Park.

6. He stuck it up Pagan for discarding him as a young, up and coming Roo intent only on fulfilling the Blight dogma of flamboyance and extravagance on the football field.

7. Football fans had the privilege of watching another serviceable F-train performance go completely to waste.

Clanger of the Week (x2): Although the US Fifth Amendment protects the right against self-incrimination, footballinvective.com pleads guilty to one of the more embarrassing tipping blunders of the year. Last week we predicted:

a) a Tiger premiership, with an unbeaten run to the Grand Final;

b) Geelong greatness; and

c) Revolution and blood in the (Arden) Streets at North Melbourne

 

Only to find that:

a)  The Tiges got done by 10 goals and lost their best player to an injury even worse than Johnny Utah in the Rose Bowl;

b)  Geelong once again embarrass themselves more than Malcolm Fraser in a Memphis Hotel against some easybeats: and

c)  The Shinboner Spirit temporarily re-emerges in the most unlikely place.

 

All in all, the worst week for any tipsters since Preliminary Final week 1999, which also happened to be the week of Jeff Kennett’s ‘unlosable’ state election, when Alice Springs bookmakers offered 100-1 for the Carlton and Labor Party double.

 

 

A clear winner for Clanger any other week would have been Tony Shaw, who has surprised punters by taking so long to reveal to the world this season his penchant for the faux pas. Saturday, however, was Captain Courageous’s day. The Fox Footy call (especially during the second and third quarters, as Hawthorn mounted a comeback) seemed to be transformed into a bizarre reality show, where fortunate contestants are given the unique opportunity to make amends for consistently poor performance in a high-profile job they were fired from, but still love and cherish. (sort of like ‘The Apprentice’ meets ‘Crossing Over’). Tony Shaw catapulted headlong into his successor, Malthouse, as the Pies blew a 5 goal second quarter lead. Shaw, a veritable wordsmith, made rather banal and predictable statements, declaring a lack of leg speed in the Collingwood midfield, making numerous veiled swipes at Mick (‘the coaching staff are responsible’) and (this is where the Shaw ex-coaching bit circa 1996-9 comes in) preaching to all and sundry that if the Magpies wanted leg speed, Rhyce Shaw needed to be moved immediately off half back and into the midfield. This last comment really does go to show that blood is thicker than water.

 

Of course, Rhyce Shaw saw no time in the midfield, and is still extracting the splinters from his buttocks after more time on the pine. The ‘slow’ Collingwood midfield, no doubt with Malthouse’s guidance, weathered the little rodent claws and overpowered the Hamsters in the final quarter. Unlike Tony Shaw, Malthouse recognised the danger of Mark Williams at full forward, replacing Prestigiacomo with acting captain Clement, who quelled the threat admirably.

 

Despite Shaw’s apparent failings on this reality show pilot, the Fox Network feels the concept is a solid one, and is rumoured to be courting Kevin Bartlett as its next high-profile contestant.