Round 5, 2005

 

 

Like Goran “Bipolar” Ivanisevic finally winning a Grand Slam at Wimbledon in 2001, Geelong finally broke through and won a game interstate.

 

The game ended in controversy in the final seconds when Scarlett confused Warren Tredrea for a leather recliner and sat all over him. Whilst the incident provoked widespread comment and controversy, it is unfortunate that this game will be remembered for that one particular episode. The standard of umpiring was, in general, about as competent as a drug smuggling bogan in Bali, but it should not be forgotten that for three quarters, twenty-nine minutes and fifty seconds of the game, it overwhelmingly went against Geelong.

 

Attention now turns to the fate of the umpires who bore witness to that particular controversy, with the final scenes from Channel 9’s coverage showing them about to embark on the walk of death towards an umpire’s race surrounded by seething goateed and mulletted Port fans pouring forth unrestrained venom through their remaining six teeth. As Channel 9 quickly cut to the Geelong rooms at that point, it was not clear what their fate was to be, but the signs were not good. As one Port correspondent put it: “I can’t guarantee the safety of that umpire. Our people would have been waiting for him…”

 

Certainly, the umpire will be lucky to make it out of South Australia without ending up in a barrel somewhere in Adelaide’s northern suburbs.

 

Meanwhile, one concerned citizen suggested that:

“I think the time has come to call in Bruce Willis ala ‘The Siege’ and round up  every man and women with a mullet, a Power jumper, or anyone owning any article of clothing comprising the colour teal for that matter, and lock them  in Moron Park until tempers simmer down (or at least till the play either the Hawks or the Tigers) to prevent anarchy on the streets of Adelaide”

Meanwhile, the football Gods were supposedly smiling on the Crows in the lead-up to the weekend’s game. First, they were drawn to play the Dogs in Chris Grant’s 300^th – and what better way to remind him of the lowest ebbs of his career when the Crows denied him Grand Final glory in 97 and 98? Secondly, the stage was set for some more SA Lair Flair when it was announced that their one token tagger, Robert Shirley, was a late withdrawal.

 

But the Football Gods work in mysterious ways, and the Crows meekly surrendered to the Puppy Dogs. Perhaps the Gods took pity on the desperate Doggies and granted clemency to the ever-tortured Chris Grant, who had waxed lyrical during the pre-match build-up about his regrets at never having played in a grand final (junior or senior).  Perhaps the Gods had decreed that Neil Craig’s side must embrace every aspect of SA lair football a la the Cornes era 1991-94, and thus become easy beats away from Moron Park. Perhaps the Gods had decided to punish the Crows for over-lairising once Simon Goodwin had sent a 75m torpedo punt through the big sticks. Perhaps the Gods had decided to reward the Doggies for their foolhardy, yet sacrificial attitude (i.e. ZTT policy) in last week’s game against the Hugh Hefner All-Stars at The House of Pain (or should that now be ‘Playboy’ Mansion?).

 

Or, lastly, perhaps the Gods were diverting all their powers to the SCG, in order to ward off all the evil spirits emanating from the Sydney Swamp. This left Adelaide playing without their usual divine ebullience (maybe this was why Andrew McLeod, a genius surely inspired by the Football Gods whenever in form, was having a sook, as noted by Robert Walls) and left them fatally vulnerable against some Dogs hungry for some Crow. In the meantime, the Gods’ intervention at the SCG enabled the Demons to collectively grow a pair and, like Elmer Fudd at the beginning of Duck Season, shot down those Swans over the Paddington Pool of Pestilence. Applause for Brad Miller, who vindicated the assertions previously made on footballinvective.com that Barry Hall is mediocre in the one-on-one marking duel; more applause for Jared Rivers, for toweling up O’Loughlin; and for Neale Daniher, for generally continuing to impress. Meanwhile, Paul Roos described his forward line as ‘dysfunctional’ – sort of like a manic-depressive labeling his schizophrenic mate as ‘crazy’. Roos’ lack of insight into the malady which has beset Swans’ football, and the central role he plays in it, is interesting to say the least.

 

The Larry Flynt Love Machine (aka Eagle Porn Stars) took their show on the road this weekend to sunny Brisbane. Unfortunately for the Lions, the likes of Lappin, Aker, Leppitsch and Voss copped a severe seeing to, and could be forgiven for thinking that the Canterbury Bulldogs has just paid them a visit. In another breathtaking and lascivious display of midfield dominance, the Eagles won their third game on the trot at the Gabbatoir, are 5-0, and surely now have elevated themselves to clear premiership favouritism. Brisbane, on the other hand, showed they desperately need the return of Plugger Brown – and a handy supply of Rectogesic.

 

Saturday afternoon at the MCG saw the still undefeated Rooboys notch up another win, whilst at the same time notching up another question mark over whether they are really a fair dinkum outfit. Shinboners Shitscared reigned supreme, this time in the third quarter, as a six goal lead rapidly shrank to one. Highlights of the game included:

 

1)     Luke Hodge and Nathan Thompson lining up on each other at the first bounce. Given the combined metrosexual grooming prowess of these two, it looked more like a Miss America contest, with Miss Minnesota and Miss Alabama going head-to-head.

2)     Luke Hodge 50 games – what a laugh (compare to Luke 'Rhino' O'Sullivan, who despite famously taking 10 years to reach 50 games managed to develop a cult following along the way). The Hawthorn brains trust (now there's a misnomer) persists in attempting to justify to themselves that drafting Luke Hodge over the likes of Chris Judd and Luke Ball was the correct football decision. Despite these protestations, Hodge has shown himself to be the next Alex McDonald (God, what a hack - taken no.1 by Hawthorn in the 1988 VFL draft). Hawthorn, back in the days when they were still a model club, quickly rid themselves of McDonald and wrote him off as a poor football investment. This was the same Hawthorn regime that also purged The Great Man, so adept were they at biting bullets and making tough decisions. In contrast, the current Hawthorn board are marshmallow soft, and are likely to extend the same latitude to Hodge as they’ve shown to Dutchy, Lekkas, et al.

3)     Numerous Hawthorn players to be summonsed by police on a charge of LWA (Lairising Without Ability). In particular, the prosecution cites the following offences:

a)     Michael Osborne celebrating before dropping a simple chest mark on a lead 45m out from goal late in the second quarter;

b)     Michael Osborne must have been fantasising about Darren Lockyer as he decided to run 40m without bouncing the ball during the fourth quarter - umpire correctly pings him for running too far; dickhead Hawthorn players play on despite umpire's whistle; Captain 'The Dipstick Dutchman' Vandenberg shows true leadership and slams the ball through a goal, again celebrating and gesticulating wildly, even though not one single North player had bothered to chase anybody once the whistle had originally been blown;

c)     Luke Hodge trying to run through packs and evade would-be tacklers - only to be caught holding the ball on more than one occasion;

d)     Josh Thurgood in the last quarter attempting to snap left foot goal across body under little if any duress, instead of following the text book and straightening up;

e)     Simon Taylor's farcical snap from the pocket in the final term which ended up 35m up the ground in the opposite pocket;

f)       Crawford's fluoro yellow boots - an obvious throw back to the days when Dermie was hamming it up to all and sundry, the only difference being that Dermie never missed easy set shots in the final quarter when the game was in the balance;

4)     Lance Franklin, who has been anointed by Hawthorn officials as “The black Riewoldt” - yeah, just like Matt Shirvington was the white Carl Lewis.

5)     The General Leigh was gently run back into form with a solid game on John Barker. On Saturday, however, Clarkson devised a ploy to take The General out of the back 50, clearly instructing Barker to lead up the ground, far and wide. However, with the Hawthorn midfield turning over the ball more readily than the Swedish chef on the ‘Muppets’ turning over a pancake, The General was given numerous opportunities to win the ball and show off again his more flamboyant side. Assuming the quarter back role, Brownie launched numerous huge ‘hail marys’ into the forward 50 from the half-back line, all with casual aplomb. No running game for the General Leigh, it’s all about giving the fans what they want.

 

In the big ANZAC Day game, two early spoon favourites put on a game about as exciting as Pamela Anderson-Lee after dual mastectomies. Off the field, ANZAC Day once again saw various football personages argue that the Woods and Dons should not enjoy a monopoly of attention on this day. Yet few of these whingers have displayed much creativity in actually suggesting any alternatives. One alternative in particular springs to mind:

 

Given that ANZAC Day commemorates a war, what better way to celebrate it than by playing “The War” (Big V versus SA) on this day.

 

Of course, as previously stated, The War enjoys Olympian status and thus should only be played every four years. As such, appropriate fillers will be required for the three years in between. Perhaps the four year ANZAC Day schedule could look something like this:

Year 1: “The War”: Victoria v South Australia State of Origin at West Lakes;

Year 2: Port v Crows (Port home game) at West Lakes;

Year 3: Crows v Port (Adelaide home game) at West Lakes; 

Year 4: In the spirit of the ‘Slowdown’ a re-enactment game of Round 1 of 1991, Hawthorn v Crows at West Lakes, where all the players from that game (Jarman against Jarman, State against State) take the field for their old sides.

TigerWatch, Week 5: Whilst pre-season punditry predicted that the game against the Saints this week would result in the Tiger Army well and truly turning by now, the club is lagging behind this predicted timetable. This week’s performance, however, did much to put them back on schedule. Tiger fans have not yet reached the stage of open hostility to their side, and the coach has not yet reached the stage of utter despair and disillusionment. Instead, Plow reflected that his side was “not up there with the Big Boys.” Given Plow’s usual propensity for pumping up his own tyres, this is nonetheless an admission that he is well on the way.

 

The respective head honchoes of Richmond and St Kilda also staked their claim for an annual piece of the ANZAC Day action. Whereas the case of St Kilda may be tenuous, Richmond provides much stronger justification for annual star billing on this day. Whilst Collingwood and Essendon have earned ANZAC Day honours because of their ability to attract the most fans, Richmond have also earned the honour through its ability to do unique things with fans, namely, to whip them into a spectacular frenzy or fury and indignation. Given that ANZAC Day usually falls on or around Round 5 and Tiger fans, on average, usually turn against their team at or around Round 5, each ANZAC Day should play host to ‘Turning Day’, where Richmond is drawn to play a high-achieving side at Colon Stadium. Furthermore, the day’s entertainment should to be organized so as to incite and provoke Tiger fans in such a way that they will be guaranteed to turn. For example:

·         Early morning: Half the gates at Colon to be welded shut, to ensure slow and agitated entry into the ground for Tiger fans;

·         Pre-match: Motorcade of stars from the 1980 Grand Final, with accompanying highlights reel, to remind Tiger fans how far they have fallen. Stars of 1980 David Cloke and Kevin Bartlett to be plucked from the motorcade and invited to address the crowd. Cloke explains to the assembled masses how he advised his three sons to opt for Collingwood rather than Richmond, despite them qualifying for each club under the father-son rule. Bartlett to explain how the club is still not worthy of being graced by his presence because of the crooks and spivs who still run the place;

·         Quarter Time: Live feed on the scoreboard, Big Brother style, from the umpire’s dressing room, where umpires sit around a table and discuss a clandestine conspiracy to crucify Richo for the rest of the game (not unlike the opening scene of the Naked Gun);

·         Half Time: Live feed from the Richmond Match Committee room, where all present agree on a game plan to ‘not kick it to Richo’ for the rest of the game; Highlights reel of The Great Man’s various goal-kicking sprees against Richmond (10 in 1988; 14 in 1989; 12 in 1990; 10 in 1993, etc etc);

·         Three-quarter Time: Live feed from Melbourne General Cemetery of paid actors dressed in Carlton and Collingwood scarves dancing on the grave of Jack Dyer;

·         Final Quarter: Richo to be sent off at the 3 minute mark by umpires on a trumped-up blood rule charge, and then not be allowed back on by the interchange steward on a trumped up charge of irregular studs in his boots;

·         Post-match: Tigers to do a lap of (dis)honour to allow fans in all parts of the stadium to vent their spleens, before finally facing the gauntlet of the player’s race. Tiger fans, like Roman Emperors in ‘Gladiator’, to be given the option of thumbs up or thumbs down to determine whether the coach gets to leave the ground without a security escort;

·         And the end result…..?

         - They Turn.

 

 

Hero of week: Brad Ottens - If Geelong shrugged off a monkey from their back this week, then Ottens rid himself of an enormous lowland gorilla – both figuratively and literally (below). Good to see Bomber show him some loyalty and publicly defend him during the week, in the face of fickle commentators (such as this one) who were so quick to write him off.

 

Cult hero of week: ANZAC medallist Andrew Lovett, who despite his 3 game inexperience showed superb lair potential, combining the speed of Michael Long and the razzle dazzle of the Krakouers - going for running goals outside 50, selling dummies to non-existent opponents, and displaying general disregard for  the concept of picking up an opponent.

 

Clanger of the week: Danny Jacobs - in an awful Hawthorn side, clearly the most awful; North's 19th player on the day had in total no less than 11 goals kicked on him [Rocca 5, Thompson 2, Jones 2, Hale 2]. Another example of a previously well-regarded, yet nonetheless discarded, semi-talented Sheedy player whose football frailties have been cruelly exposed whilst away from the sanctuary provided at Windy Hill [does anyone remember Barry Young, Justin Blumfield, David Calthorpe, Ricky Olarenshaw, etc, etc...]