Round 1, 2005

 

 

Another season is off and running, and the Big Story of the week was undoubtedly the ruthless pack of lions who magnificently emulated their real-life African namesakes, by hunting in packs and ruthlessly victimising the wounded gazelle in the herd (N. Riewoldt). Like the hapless gazelles in African wildlife documentaries, Riewoldt was isolated from the herd, systematically harassed and then clinically picked off and brought down by the bloodthirsty pride. Enough to bring a tear to anyone’s eye.

But if Riewoldt resembled a wounded gazelle, Grant Thomas resembled one of those bumbling wildebeest that have no idea at all and get stuck in the mud whilst trying to cross a river to escape the marauding lions. For the second time in a row, Thomas was comprehensively outsmarted and made to look like a stranded wildebeest in a big game at the Gabbatoir.

St Kilda Match Committee

 

However, whilst someone could consider likening the St. Kilda performance last Thursday night to a David Attenborough masterpiece, this observer can only make one appropriate analogy that truly describes the fragile and churlish mentality which, it seems, continues to haunt the culture down at Moorabbin.

 

In what really could only be described as a sick and twisted revival of 'Romper Room', Little Nicky Riewoldt had a cwy because big bad Mal and ugwy Cwis hit him in da shoulder and he wasn't able to be captain anymore and Miss Helena (that'd be Thomas) said that that there would be no more “bounce, bounce, bounce the ball” for little Nicky and that she now had to look again in da majik mirror to pick another captain, and he chose Luke (as in, Luke Ball) which means little Nicky is not his little favourite anymore... Waaaaaaaaa... 

 

On Sunday, Geelong effortlessly dispatched the Tiges by three-quarter time. Brad Ottens stepped up with a creditable performance and appears likely to take over the mantle of Geelong’s DOBM (Designated Ordinary Big Man). Geelong, or course, have been without a recognised DOBM since the retirement of David Mensch, whilst Richo has been auditioning for the role at Richmond for the past 5 years, with varying degrees of success. Whilst earmarked by many sceptics (including this one) for DOBM status, Ottens’ debut Cat performance was encouraging and perhaps, as Paul Salmon did at Hawthorn after leaving the Dons a forlorn, lost soul, he will re-emerge as one of the game's premier tall forward/ruckman types, thus fulfilling a seemingly squandered destiny, one which would never have been allowed to come to fruition at a place as scary and as soul-destroying as Tigerland.

Mr Meretricious Terry Wallace took a swipe at Ottens (who had had enough of nightly 'Toss the Boss' sessions with Richo, Campbell and his mates and was only doing the sensible thing) for allegedly colberting the Tiges at the end of ‘04. But as a great man once said, let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Terry Wallace casting stones at Ottens for prostituting himself is like the chief madam from Top of the Town casting stones at a poor, down-on-her-luck St Kilda working girl.

 

Whilst it’s too early yet to say that Tiger fans have turned, it seems that at least one has decided to launch a pre-emptive strike, according to news reports the following day:

“Richmond is believed to be investigating another spitting incident involving a fan after the Tigers yesterday fell to a humiliating 10-goal defeat to Geelong.

“As the Richmond players were leaving the MCG following their 62-point drubbing, a fan standing at the players' race is believed to have spat at the team.”

“It is believed the club is trying to ascertain whether the man, who has long grey hair in a pony tail and is known to be a Richmond member, deliberately spat at players when he was hurling abuse at them over the race enclosure or whether spittle merely flew from his mouth as he was yelling…” 

 

It is surprising that the club is not investigating a third possibility – that as a feral Richmond fan he simply has a natural propensity for drooling and salivating for no apparent reason.

 

Danny Frawley, not surprisingly, showed that he still feels the pain of last year, and lashed out at the phantom spitter, warning him that " 

they wouldn't want to do it in front of me, I'd just job 'em. I had to be careful as Richmond coach - you can't do or say that sort of thing - but now, it would just be tools down I can tell you." 

It seems the bitterness and recrimination that goes with a severe bout of FRCS* has not abated for Frawley. Could he even match Kevin Bartlett’s record, and continue to carry the debilitating affliction for the next 14 years (and counting)?

 

Plow admitted that his match committee might as well have spent the summer in the pub. That there is probably considerable truth in Plow's attempt to laugh off a 10 goal flogging seems to have eluded him. Meanwhile, Graham Samuel and the ACCC are rumoured to be considering prosecuting the Tiges under the Trade Practices Act, on the basis of repeated anti-competitive conduct since Round 8 last year. 2005 looks like being another vintage year of carnage at Tigerland.

 

Meanwhile, over at Colon Stadium on Saturday (where people collecting pre-paid tickets still didn't get into the ground until midway through the first quarter - typical AFL farce) Carlton's reign as March champion was ended by:

a)     Sav Rocca, who booted four, took an early contender for mark of the season in the final quarter after launching that monstrosity of a body into the air and nonchalantly pulling down a hander whilst sitting on David Teague (who now knows, I'm certain, what it feels like to be stampeded by a rhino) and exacted some personal revenge on the Blues, after copping numerous Silvagni floggings during the 90s;

b)     Luke Livingston's injured ankle, leaving the Carlton back line looking like a hunk of Swiss cheese, despite Morrell's best efforts;

c)     another great Brady Rawlings tagging effort, this time on Scott 'The Pimp' Camporeale;

d)     two mercurial Daniel Wells goals in the 3rd quarter, including a running checkside that even Blighty would have been proud to call his own;

e)     Kouta directly giving away two North goals (31 touches notwithstanding);

f)       a flat Lance Whitnall performance, again leading to renewed rumours that since the glorious pre-season he has returned to the steak and chips diet;

g)     Leigh Colbert seemingly hungry for the premiership that his treachery yearns for;

h)     Nathan Thompson, who staked his claim to be North’s premier DOBM in ’05. Much in the same vein as Brad Ottens, this otherwise highly talented big man only flattered to deceive during his time at the Glenferrie Modelling Studio. With six last quarter marks and a superb goal from the boundary, maybe the Arab too has found a happy place where he can flourish and be nurtured; and

i)        Leigh Brown.

 

The evolution of Leigh Brown from tubby bit parts big man to cult hero to quality key position player has certainly been a work in progress, but this keen observer realised the potential of this former Docker soon after arriving at Arden Street for the 2003 season. If one were to liken Leigh Brown to an automobile, his biography would read as so:

 

·         The Fremantle pre-2003 Leigh Brown could be likened to a Leyland P76 - as aerodynamic as a hippopotamus, asthmatic, unreliable and something of an unloved flop. The fact that the boot of the P76 famously was able to fit a 44 gallon drum also draws unfavourable comparisons. 

·         The North Melbourne 2003 Leigh Brown, on the other hand, was a HQ Holden ute - full of character, eminently lovable with huge cult status but still huge question marks over quality and reliability, but every now and then the old girl was able to surprise.

·         The North Melbourne 2004 Leigh Brown - extensively re-tooled and facelifted, this Barra Falcon started to look the business; still sporting the beefy frame, but now matched with performance and durability, finally living up to some of the earlier hype.

·         The North Melbourne 2005 'General Leigh' Brown - not the most svelte package on the planet but more than compensated by the enormous cubic inches of grunt and much like the 'Dukes of Hazzard' car, more than capable of jumping over Boys in Blue when the occasion arises. Former question marks over pace and ability to chase now out the window. The General Leigh is a no-nonsense, swashbuckling machine that takes no prisoners and is the ULTIMATE cult classic.

 

Leigh Brown's efforts on Fevola (for whom Shannon Watt had become a complete bunny, akin to the relationship that Glenn McGrath and Mike Atherton once shared) on Saturday were legendary. Fevola's eight goals two weeks earlier were consigned to the archive as Brownie systematically destroyed his game and confidence, keeping him touchless for over one hour. More impressive was Brown's pace, reading of the game, his excellent work at the fall of the ball and second efforts, previously minuses in the General's overall game. Fevola, like Sheriff Rosco, appeared completely dumbfounded by the unholy commotion the General Leigh was creating. 

 

The General Leigh - Loads of Grunt, guaranteed chick magnet

 

However, no-one should for one moment think that the Shinboner Spirit is reborn. Unfortunately, it died last year at Optus Oval, after the 'The Abomination’ (aka its defeat to Carlton in Round 16). Shinboner Spirit has instead been replaced by 'Shinboners Shitscared', whereby the current crop of Laidley-inspired Rooboys become overtly anxious at the prospect of victory, especially against weaker opponents. This was again evident on the weekend, where despite North being in control from about midway in the 3rd quarter, the Blues were never completely out of striking distance.

 

On Easter Monday, news broke after the Eade-inspired Doggie Flood engulfed the Magpies ('Rocket' is back and he's loving every minute of it, given the emergence of a new SA cult hero, Adam Cooney) that McGuire bumchum Nathan Buckley had a chronic back-related hamstring complaint, and that he may have indeed played his last game of AFL football. Despite the multiple Copeland trophies, the Magarey Medal (the premier individual football award in the country), the Smithie and Brownlow that he has won, it is the coveted AFL premiership medal (yes, as won by such luminaries as Aaron Shattock, Josh Mahoney, Cameron Mooney, Shannon Motlop et al) which continued to elude him. (although I don't know what he’s worried about given that he led Port to a 1992 SANFL flag, more than adequate compensation I would've thought)

 

As irony would have it, Buckley colberted the Brisbane Bears (now Lions - 3 premierships) at the end of 1993 to join the Magpies, on the grounds that he wanted to play in premierships. That he rejected the overtures of North Melbourne (2 premierships, 2 night premierships) at the same time (and exactly the same time that both he and W. Carey were on the brink of world domination) is probably not so well known. What is certainly better known is Port's (1 premiership, 2 night premierships) concerted efforts (i.e. truckloads of cold, hard Allan Scott cash) to recruit the former Alberton Oval favourite as its out of contract superstar for its inaugural year in 1997. Despite being clearly on the cusp of years of mediocrity, the Magpie Army nonetheless convinced him of the wisdom of a future at Victoria Park; after all, the likes of Tony Lockett, Alastair Lynch, Paul Roos and Gerard Healy (all high profile Pie targets at various stages) just had to be wrong. Hmmm...

 

Since arriving at Collingwood, Buckley has been forced to bear witness to:

a)     Mick McGuane dropping THAT sitter in the 1994 elimination final;

b)     the 'revival' of Richard Osborne, Adrian McAdam and Dermott Brereton, as the answer to forward line woes;

c)     the departure of Lethal ... to greener pastures;

d)     the coaching of Tony Shaw;

e)     the assistant coaching of Danny Frawley;

f)       the 10 premierships (night or otherwise, as afore-mentioned) that could have undoubtedly been his for the taking had he chosen otherwise;

g)     years of Allan McAllister ineptitude; 

h)     the continued mindless hero worship and sanctification of the worst premiership team EVER;

i)        repeated homoerotic advances from Eddie on national television;

j)       Akermanis's party trick, whilst on one hamstring, in the dying moments of the 2002 Grand Final;

k)      A. Rocca needlessly smacking Nick Stevens in the 2003 Preliminary final, getting himself rubbed out, and thus giving Buckley the option of kicking to either Jason Cloke, Ben Kinnear or Tristan Walker at CHF in the most important game of his life; and finally

l)        Nick Stevens going to Carlton, as Chocko had ordained it, thus leaving Buckley once again to shoulder the midfield burden alone.

 

Hero of the week: Leigh Brown

Clanger of the week: Little Nicky

Cult Figure of the Week: Take a bow again, Leigh Brown

 

 

*FRCS – Former Richmond Coach Syndrome