Grand Final 2004

 

“The explosion was one of the most catastrophic in recorded history. The effects were experienced on a global scale. The explosion was heard more than 3000 miles away."

"A series of large tsunami waves generated by the main explosion, some reaching a height of nearly 40 meters (more than 120 feet) above sea level, killed more than 36,000 people. Tsunami waves were recorded or observed throughout the Indian Ocean, the Pacific Ocean, the American West Coast, South America, and even as far away as the English Channel.”

 

The above passage is taken from a description of the explosion of Krakatoa in 1883, but it could equally apply to the earth-shattering destruction of the giant edifice that was the Brisbane Lions collective ego last Saturday. Not since Hawthorn in the late 80s/early 90s have such a giant collection of swollen heads graced a football field, and the prospect of equaling the four-in-a-row record probably added a few hundred extra psi to the equation as well. All of which meant that when the bubble finally burst, around the time of Wanganeen’s fourth, it was all the more hilarious.

 

The only thing more amusing to an amateur anthropologist than observing the celebratory rituals of Port Power supporters was watching the series of almighty dummy spits from various Lions players as their delusions were shattered and their egos burned up in the lower stratosphere (after having orbited the Earth at high altitude for the last 3 years). Aker’s dummy spit when he had his free kicked reversed was priceless, whilst Alastair Lynch and Plugger Brown were the biggest pair of lame ducks to (dis)grace the hallowed turf of the G since England’s opening batsmen faced up to Lillee and Thommo in 74-75. Lynch in particular set a marvelous example of how to retire from the game with good grace and sportsmanship after his injury by bursting into tears and throwing a dozen haymakers at Wakelin on his way off the field. 

 

Mal Michael let the cat out of the bag after the game by confessing that more than one of his team-mates had been working on their Norm Smith acceptance speeches in the rooms before the game (and that a hundred tram conductors had also been brought in distribute all the tickets that the Lions players were putting on themselves). Michael stopped short of naming names, but I wonder just who those players might have been? It would make a good “Who Am I” question for Tony Barber to ask on Sale of the Century. Perhaps it could go something like this:

“Who Am I? 

I am a Brisbane Lions player who is used to success, and not afraid to boast about it either. I enjoy winning medals and the sound of my own voice. Some might say that these attributes make me the most likely to be drafting my own Norm Smith speech before the game. Some might also say that my several churlish dummy spits and petulant demeanor in the second half after it became apparent we’d lose also marks me out as the kind of guy to have had such tickets on himself. 

My first name is Jason and my surname begins with A. 

I am ….”

 

But if Melbourne is still feeling the aftershocks from the Richter-scale reverberations of the Lions egos, then the effect of an influx of Port Power fans was something else again. The shallow end of the South Australian gene pool overflowed into the streets of Melbourne last weekend, and what a sight it was. Having locked up their daughters, their sheep and their guinea pigs for the weekend, Melburnians can now breathe a sigh of relief that the Power fans are gone.

 

The ‘highlights’ of the Port fans infestation are too numerous to mention but as a stand-out it’s hard to go past the scene in the front bar of the Westin Hotel at around 1:00am on Grand Final eve. Having been booted out from the fittingly down-market Oxford Scholar Hotel at midnight, a couple of hundred Power fans descended on the much more salubrious Westin, where footballinvective.com was enjoying a quiet night cap. The moccasinisation of this pretentious up-market venue would have been amusing enough on its own, but the icing on the cake goes to “Miss Port Adelaide 2004” who was the centre of attention at the bar with plenty of bourbon and West End in her insides and nothing on her outside save for a pair of skimpy black, white and teal knickers and a Port Power scarf. The only problem was that her age was estimated to be in the range of 55 to 60. If you thought Port fans could be hideous with their clothes on, this one totally takes the cake. As Mike Williamson said after Blighty’s 80 metre goal after the siren, “Well now I’ve seen it all! I have seen it all!”

 

It’s a shame that Mark “Chokeo” Williams didn’t add another line to his victory speech after he paid out on Alan Scott. Something along the lines of: “And to the overweight, saggy Power fan in the Westin Bar last night who thought she was sexy, and the two hundred other morons present who thought it was funny: YOU WERE WRONG!”

 

Meanwhile, back in Adelaide, thousands of Crows supporters will be boarding up their windows and keeping a low profile, whilst thousands more will be fleeing to the Barossa Valley to stock up their wine supplies, where they’ll all be in denial and  trying to ease the pain by telling everyone that they “don’t follow football”. A bit like all those Melbourne supporters between 1964 and 1987, and an awful lot of ex-Fitzroy supporters between 1996 and 2001.

 

Melburnians (or, to be more precise, MCC members) voted with their feet and left us in no doubt as to what they thought of an all-interstate Grand Final: 

It’s a travesty that these punters got 16,000 seats allocated to them on Grand Final day, yet left 2,000 of them empty. God help us when they have 24,000 seats in the new stand – then they’ll be able to leave 10,000 empty every Grand Final.

 

Best practical joke of the year was played by the clown who managed to dupe someone into putting up the following message on the scoreboard in the third quarter:

 

They must have brought in Moe from The Simpsons (or someone equally as gullible) as guest scoreboard operator. Rumour has it that the Administration Office in the Olympic Stand was then swamped with 10,000 Power supporters all fitting the description of F. Erral from Adelaide.

 

Other funny Grand Final moments, which prove stereotypes invariably are based on reality:

1. The two Hawthorn supporters sitting behind footballinvective.com. They spent the whole day amusing everyone with witty banter and humourous, insightful repartee, yet when the topic of conversation turned to their own club, they showed that the mind-altering effects of Hawthorn’s current state of denial can overcome even highly intelligent people as well. Looking down longingly at Leigh Matthews on the ground after the game, one turned to the other and said, “Yep, we’ll get the great man back to Hawthorn one day. He’ll win us a couple of flags, for old time’s sake”.  This man was being serious. We kid you not. Yet, sad as it is from a certain point of view (and hilarious as it is from every one else’s) this man’s seriousness (and thousands of others like him) is going to provide everyone else’s amusement for decades to come. Hawthorn 2004 is like Richmond 1984 – on the cusp of generations of mediocrity and general laughableness, yet in such a state of denial that they are completely unaware of how bad they are. And, just like Richmond, given that they were so monumentally up themselves during their glory years, they won’t be getting any sympathy from anyone else, least of all footballinvective.com
2. The expressionless, middle-aged Collingwood fan sitting two rows back, who spent the entire match looking on like an apathetic stunned mullet, showing no interest in the game whatsoever. After the final siren he confessed that he “couldn’t give a f*ck who won” and was completely indifferent about the whole thing. But his expressionless visage was instantly shattered as soon as Wayne Harmes was introduced to present the Norm Smith. The lone Pie fan’s eyes immediately bulged out of their sockets, white with rage and the steam began to pour fourth from his ears, before he turned around and stormed out in disgust. It’s great to see mindless football grudges can remain so strong after 25 years.
3. THAT bloody Port Power song, played non-stop on high rotation for half an hour after the game. Interstate sides winning grand finals is bad enough, but having to sit through two dozen renditions of their ridiculous team songs just adds insult to injury for Victorian football fans. Footballinvective.com heard a rumour last week that a sequel to “Clockwork Orange” is currently being written. As part of the brain-washing sequence, the main character has his eyelids prized open and is forced to watch hours upon hours of brutal violence, but to further destroy his soul he also has his ears prized open and is forced to listen to hours and hours of the Port Power team song.

 

Finally, something for the kiddies. We’ve all seen the famous “Where’s Wally” books where we have to find the skinny man in the Swans beanie in a crowd of people. Well here is the latest version, based on the crowd at the G last Saturday. Pictured below is a representative sample of occupants of the corporate boxes on level 3 of the Southern Stand, who were photographed halfway through the 3^rd quarter when the game was in the balance and the rest of the crowd at fever pitch. Just like “Where’s Wally” the idea is to find the one person amongst the crowd below who is actually a football fan and has even been to another game besides the Grand Final this year (we know it looks impossible at first glance, but he’s in there somewhere!). Extra points awarded for also spotting the glass of red wine in each pic as well.