Round 6, 2004

 

 

So they say the Saints and the Demons are definitely the Real Deal after this week. Well who cares about Real Deals, the flops and failures are much more interesting.

 

In the clash of the Great Pretenders, Hawthorn prevailed by one point over the Tiges as the Greatest Pretender of 2004. Now, will the media and the football world kindly apply to the Hawks and their mind-altered coach Peter "we'll win the flag" Schwab the same kind of intense focus and derisive scorn that Danny Frawley has copped so far this year? The Hawks deserve it - their performances have been even worse than the Tiges, and they set themselves up for an even bigger fall with their absurd pre-season boasting. What's more, they are still in denial about the true quality of their list and their attitude as a club. After another humiliating loss, when their team is more full of lifeless passengers than the Hindenberg, this should finally, finally be the reality check they so desperately need. 

 

But noooooooooooo, Schwab is still saying his prediction was a legitimate one, and, in the ultimate act of denial, the head of their football department, D. Brereton, comes out on Sunday to have a whinge about, of all things, Brisbane's player retention allowance, and how it discriminates against the Hawks. Well boo hoo Hawks. If Dermie and co had actually put more effort into player retention when it came to a certain J. Rawlings, a man who had neither the need nor the desire to leave Glenferrie, yet still left anyway, then Dermie may, just may, be entitled to open his mouth on such subjects.

 

So if the Hawks and Tiges are pretenders, what then of the Pride of South Australia? As the Coodabeens might say, "There's Trouble Down There at West Lakes." What are we to make of Gary Ayres' public snubbing of Andrew McLeod? Dragged, benched and not even given a run in the midfield all day?  Not even the famous player-coach spat between David Beckham and Alex Ferguson got so bad that Ferguson deliberately kept his star player off the field. All we need now is for Ayres to throw a boot at McLeod in a locker-room blue and this current falling-out will be even bigger than the one that led Beckham away from Old Trafford and into the waiting arms of Real Madrid and sundry text-messaging hussies. This Saturday it's Showdown XV, and with the Crows not having won a Showdown since Showdown VII in 2000, Crow fans can be excused for reminiscing about the Robert Shaw era, such is their apparent fate this year.

 

The official attendance at Unskilled Stadium for the Cats-Crows game was reported to be 18,224 spectators, however, footballinvective.com believes the real figure was actually 18,225. There was one ageing Crows supporter in a number 2 jumper who may not have been counted in the official crowd figure, given that he spent most of the game spectating from on the ground rather than in the stands. During the last quarter a rumour began circulating that this particular gentleman was in fact Wayne Carey, although this is yet to be verified.

 

So where does this leave the Cats? Several rungs above the Pretenders, but with their only wins being against the Tiges and Crows, they are still yet to prove that they are worthy of exclusion from this category. This Sunday the Cats should notch up a hat-trick of Pretend Victories as they take on the third of the Great Pretenders, the Hawks. But remember, this is exactly the sort of 'gimme' game we can reliably expect Geelong sides to lose. A rumour has been circulating that the AFL will actually be trialling a system of four goal umpires during this game. They are also set to announce the appointment of Nick Holland as one of the extra goal umps. Holland has apparently been in training for such a role all season, with most of his match time spent standing still watching the ball sail over his head.